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August 27, 2001
I had the strangest dream.
I was in a musical competition of sorts. There were several bands competing for this prestigeous award of "most interpretive band of the year". From what I remember, the bands were all pretty good and I was really nervous about competing.
Then...
Our band was up.
It had members like Joe Walsh and David Gilmore. I didn't know exactly what we were going to do for our "interpretive" portion of the competition so I just sort of played along.
Our 'play' was a musical of soylent green. I find this especially hilarious because I have never fully seen the movie Soylent Green, just parts. Anyway...it was a powerful intepretation of soylent green complete with a tear jerking rendition of "knocking on heaven's door".
Needless to say, we won :)
Also in the dream, I built an entire fishtank out of a clear bowling bag. Then, I built another fishtank out of a lucite garbage can and connected the two using habitrails.
I need to stop smoking crack before I sleep.
posted at 4:59 PM
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August 23, 2001
I am broke. Brokedy Broke.
But I am not writing to whine about being broke. Oh no. I'm writing about something else entirely. The problem is, I have no idea what I'm going to write about just yet. I just felt the need to come on and write something. I think its my sick obsession with typing. I love typing fast. I love the way the keyboard sounds, I love the way that I can think the words in my head and the seem to suddenly appear on screen.
I wanted to write last night about all the new and amazing movies coming out that I can't wait to see...but the book that I was going to use as reference is in my bedroom and I don't feel like getting up and walking all the way over there. Heh.
Oh okay. I guess I will bitch about being broke just for a minute. At least to get my mind off of it. You see, when I am broke, I am not like most people. Most people panic and scrimp and save every last bit of change they have. They eat unboiled noodles because water is just too expensive to use. They eat crumbs from the counter. Not I, friends.
I mean, trust me, I do panic. I panic a lot. I can't sleep. I can't eat (and can't afford to eat either). I freak out and worry all day. I get those lines in my forehead that indicate in in deep thought. A furrowed brow? anyway...I do worry and fret.
But I also suffer from a compulsion to spend all the money I get in the meantime.
Its a sick disorder.
I find a dollar, I run up to the gas station and buy beef jerky.
I find 5 dollars...I buy nailpolish.
This compulsion to spend the money I have (even when I am broke) tricks my brain into thinking things are okay. It lies to itsself saying "see, everything is going to be okay now that you have that twix, nailpolish, magazine, newspaper, eyeliner, cd..."
Its especially bad if I buy something to do...like nail polish or a crossword puzzle book.
Because then not only am I buying somethng but I'm also occupying my time while I am busy being broke.
Its horrible.
I also laugh at it.
Because I sound worse than I really am.
I swear.
But I do have really nice glittery nails right now ;)
posted at 3:44 PM
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August 21, 2001
I challenge you to listen to "more than a feelin" by boston without at least bobbing your head, snapping your fingers, or singing along.
Can you do this? You can't. You will not be able to.
I dare you to try.
posted at 1:17 AM
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August 20, 2001
Just to let you know, I wrote this last night whilst in bed trying to sleep but apparently not trying very hard. I will make no apologies for the potential confusion it may cause. It was written at approximately 3:30am. That is my excuse.
**********
I'm writing this using pen and paper -in bed- listening to Star Wars on tv. Good LORD that damn Luke Skywalker. What a whiny bitch. I've just found out, also, that the new Star Wars movie is going to be called "the attack of the clones". The Star Wars Community (is that what they are?) is apparently up in arms over this campy title. They say its too cheesy, too "pulpy" for its more serious roots. I don't care what its called as long as Mr. Lucas starts returning to the original film making style. I don't understand how he can jusitify filming a movie (episode 1) that is so much more advanced than the movies that are technically after it. IT took me a long time to figure out how to word that and I didn't do a very good job. The jist is thus: Episode 1 comes out AFTER 4, 5 and 6....However in the timeline, Episode 1 is obviously first. Now if you look at the movie, 1 is more "detail oriented" with its CGI, effects and whatnot. Basically the future is going to regress and it pisses me off. Filmmakers of today are relying far too much on CGI and artifical means to create scenery and emotion and well everything for fucks sake. I mean its good in some cases but what ever happened to making scale models of your set or using make up effects and hands on sfx to create your environment. It just doesn't happen anymore and to me its creating this whole pasticine world in movies. Its so artificial that whole fucking town, the whole fucking thing. I hate it. THat's why I need to seriously start working on some shit.
Anyway, part two. Why don't more people appreciate chuck Norris? He's so underrated. The man is a GOD, I tell you. I'd give anything to meet him.
You know what's weird? The very things that make me proud to be who I am also sort of embarass me. Like...ok, I love:
1) German Industrial Music (Einsturzende Neubauten)
2) Britpop (smiths/gene/pulp)
3) Clive Barker
4) Richard Simmons
5) Chuck Norris
6) Comic Books
7) Historical Fiction (particularly victorian mysteries)
8) Romantic Movies
9) Gore Movies
10) Indie and punk music
11) Marching Bands
None of those things go with the other. Its a strange feeling to be me. There's only one other person out there like me. I don't want to say who she is because it just might be weird all around, but she knows who she is.
But I started talking about Chuck Norris cos an ad for total gym just came on TV. Total Gym Rocks. I fully endorse this product. I want one so bad I've give both of my legs for one. Well, ,that's bad luck. Hm. I"d give my right eye tooth for one.
My birthday is coming up in nearly 2 weeks everybody.
So, something else interesting happened. I received a link from arsguide on this page : Morrissey loves us on yahoo.
I thought that was nice. I don't know who this person is, but I appreciate the link. It made me blush. It also made me a bit nervous. After getting a link from Em I thought "oh shit, how am I going to possibly be able to write something that isn't going to bore her to death or sound like junior high bullshit compared to her. She's highly cool!" Not that I'm comparing myself but you know what I mean.
Now I've got this other seemingly cool person, arsguide, giving me kudos. I've got to sort of live up to peoples expectations now.
I mean I still only get like 5 hits a day, but that's 5 people who read the mundane stuff about my lifeee. 5 or 50 or 5000 people I don't want to sound like a stupid person or an asshole.
So, I will try to write stuff that's interesting or well written or whatever but I want you to know...
this journal is for me, really. I write for me and I hope that is good enough.
This is the only place I don't have to comrmise or hold my tounge.
It has to be enough for you because it is for me.
I think...
posted at 7:30 PM
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August 19, 2001
I was up-north for a few days this week, which would explain my lapse in posting.
Sorry for no prior warning. I didn't really have any warning that I was going up there.
I'm in a particularly melancholy mood right now and its not conductive to writing here. I mean I could go on and on about the past and regrets and all that other bullshit but it doesn't make for very interesting reading. At least not when I'm all mopey about it.
So..I just wanted to write to say, no I didn't die. I was up north .
Thanks.
posted at 1:19 AM
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August 15, 2001
Courtesy inside the actors studio with james lipton (one of the greatest shows on earth)
What is your favorite word? Leg
What is your least favorite word? Armpit
What turns you on? a smile that lights up the room
What turns you off? bodily functions
What sound do you love? laughter, the rain
What sound do you hate? words that criticise
What is your favorite curse word? fuck, fucking, fucker, fuck-head ...any form of the word fuck
What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Fiction writer
What profession would you not like to participate in? Any form of outside labor
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? I'm so proud of you.
posted at 1:10 AM
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August 13, 2001
There are two things that I love about being laid off.
1. TLC afternoons.
mmm mmm mmm its my sappy feminine side coming out. Most people would like to slap me for watching these shows and that's fine. I'm deserving of the slap. I can't help it. I love these shows.
2. I can sleep when I wanna.
The two things I hate about being laid off.
See above.
Routine is boring.
I'm gonna go take a nap.
posted at 2:02 PM
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August 10, 2001
The kids in the hall theme song makes me jump for joy.
And now for something completely different:
I may have a job at Color Bars, a production house in Warren, I believe. There's only 3 guys that work there (including the owner) so it should be pretty cool. This could also work against me. Too much work and not enough people. Less politics. More scrutiny.
I am excited and scared as fuck.
We'll see what happens.
All I know is that i'll be getting my severance check from Comcast AND getting a check from Color bars every week. ROCK ON.
Ron Jeremy is coming to the magic bag.
I want to go soooooooooo bad but he's doing comedy.
A porn star, who slept with TRACI LORDS, is going to be doing stand up.
There's something wrong with this picture.
Its probably going to suck.
No pun intended.
posted at 2:41 PM
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August 07, 2001
I'm picture happy lately.
And...so you know, several days ago I had like 30 hits a day which isn't a lot compared to some people. But I was happy. Now i'm back to my usual damn 3 people a day.
Whoever those people are ...that have schlubbed me off...you will get yours damnit.
Anyway. I have been thinking about a few of my favorite things.
I like  the tt coupe. Mmm. Mmmmmmmmm. Mmm. I would be in jail for a zillion years if I owned this car.
I also find it highly hilarious that people think I'm more of a "sunfire" type girl.
good lord, people! What do you think of me!?
Side note:
Can I get sick if I drink some fruit punch that's been sitting out on the table for a couple of days?
Another thing that I really enjoy but I don't talk about nearly enough is Blixa Bargeld.
But now that I have the opportunity to talk about him...I have nothing to say other than, boy he looks messed up now that he's not on the smack.
A friend of mine and I were talking about the musicians we used to love, who were all entirely junk'd out when they were making good albums...then got WAY into the stuff, the music started to suck so they got clean and the music started to suck ten times more.
There has to be a happy medium.
Like, if musicans were put on heroin allowance. Find that happy medium where they make really good music, then top it off at that amount every day. No more...i don't care how bad you shake or sweat or scream....make your good music, get your 1 hit a day or whatever...and that's that.
I mean, poor Al Jourgensen. What happened to you? You suck now! Come on! Do you even listen to your music??
Heroin makes music makers stupid.
Look at kelly deal..she got herion fed-x'd to her house cos she was too lazy to go out and score like a regular junkie.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I'm going to go listen to tool. damnit.
posted at 12:28 AM
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August 03, 2001
You want to hear my dream with glenn danzig don't you? I know you're just dying to hear it.
I hate it when I build stuff up like this because it never ever delivers. Everyone just winds up asking "is that it...or..well, I mean, yeah that's a pretty good dream. Um..yeah cool!"
Well, its great. I hung out with Glenn Danzig for no reason whatsoever. I mean, it wasn't like I was listening to the misfits all day or I was reading X-men (the joke here is that Glenn looks like Wolverine..see..funny no?) Glenn just appeared in my dream out of the blue and he wanted me.
Begin dream sequence:
I had tickets to go see this outdoor concert. It was one of those all day events like Ozzfest or Lollapalooza...but it was unnamed in my dream. I was supposed to meet a friend there so my friend Amy and I got all gussied up to impress people while we were looking around for my friend.
 The place was a big outdoor venue type place, so there were a lot of areas to cover while we were looking for my friend. Somehow, Amy and I wound up down by the stage. It was really strange because there were thousands of people there but everyone was too afraid to go near the stage. There were these big ramps that lead down into the audience and no one was keeping me from walking on up them...so I did just that. I marched my ass right up on stage and noticed that the Misfits were playing. I'm not sure how I didn't know they were playing before that...being that I was right up front at this huge outdoor concert, but I don't question my dreams. Anyway, I smile and I walk over to glenn, who is all wirey, skinny, sweaty, screaming "COME SWEET DEATH ONE LAST CARESS!!" and I start freaking him. I'm talkin full on frontal freakin, baby back that thing up freakin! Then I walk away.
I walk away!!! Crazy.
So anyway...After I teased Glenn danzig, Amy and I went off in search of my ever elusive friend. She started to get really mad at me because she wanted to sit and listen to the music, but I kept dragging her all over hell's half acre. We wound up walking everywhere in these giant heavy boots and we were getting so tired. We took a break at the top of this balcony. Glenn, meanwhile, kept dedicating every song to me. "This one is for the girl that I dream of, the one who dared to walk on stage...Angelfuck!" "This one is for that beautiful girl who pressed her loins to mine...Hybrid Moments"
I kept laughing cos I thought he was being rediculous but in the back of my head I was flattered and a bit proud of the fact that he wanted me. That doesn't ever happen. At any rate...
As Amy and I were standing at the top of the balcony, we saw my friend wave to us from back stage...Hell yeah! Perfect Opportunity...come on down!
 We ran as fast as we could to get backstage, which proved to be more difficult than getting ON stage, for some reason. My friend eventually got us backstage and Glenn came running off stage to see me.
"HEY! I have to hang out with you! You're so cool!"
I laughed and patted his little head and said "sure, but you better get back out there cos everyone is going to get mad at me"
He said he didn't care and that he just wanted to be around me.
Eventually, the rest of the misfits came out to yell at me for monopolizing Glenn's time when he should be singing. They had these incredibly poncey english accents and I kept laughing..."The Misfits are poncey!" I shouted at Doyle. They got even MORE mad at me...and stormed off.
Glenn then called over his friend Henry Rollins to protect me.
I nearly pee'd all over cos we all know how I feel about Hank. In this dream, Henry was also back to his early skinny less tattooed self. So, Henry and I hung out while Glenn ran back out to the stage to sing.
I called after him "Sing Helena!! No sing Lost in Space!!! NO NO!!!!! SING DIE MONSTER DIE!!!!!!" and he blew me a kiss.
I think this is particuarly funny because those last three songs are by the new, more kitschy Misfits with Michale Graves as the singer...
the end.
Glenn Danzig wanted me.
Its so stupid, now, reliving the dream....but part of me can't help but say "Damn, that was cool!"
posted at 9:21 PM
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August 02, 2001
Glenn Danzig loves me.
I haven't written my dream yet.
I will tomorrow. Tonight I am tired.
But I will say, I was paid the highest compliment by someone a couple of days ago. I won't say who or why...because I really admire this person and I don't want to sound all stupid and rediculous and idiotic. The person doesn't know but I want to say thanks anyway. This person makes Michigan a cooler place. the end.
posted at 11:44 PM
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The most irritating thing in the world:
writing a really long post only to have Blogger go down.
SO, I will spend the evening re-writing said post, trying my hardest to replicate it because it was one damn good post.
And, I will include the best dream I have ever had.
It involves hanging out with Glen Danzig.
How cool is that?
But he wasn't buff, hairy, Samhain Danzig.
He was early, starting to be buff, wirey Danzig complete with Devil-lock.
Man that dream rocked. Have you ever had a dream that is just so cool that when you wake up you feel like shouting "YEAH ROCK ON!!!!" ?
Its so strange. I know it was a dream, but it still feels like I hung out with him all night.
I love those kinds of dreams.
Am and Danzig sitting in a tree....
posted at 11:56 AM
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August 01, 2001
The worst movie that could ever be made:
Howard the Duck: the Ladybug edition . Jam packed with extra scenes featuring thousands and thousands of ladybugs. With special commentary by Rodney Dangerfield.
They will show this movie to me in hell.
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and.........over.....and..............oveerrrr
posted at 11:18 AM
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Sorry its been so long.
He's out of the hospital now. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Rewind a few days.
Last week I mentioned that he got his breathing tube pulled. He was doing well physically and all of the doctors were completely amazed, considering that he was pretty much near death for a few days there. Apparently, sometime during the week that he was "out", he had gotten frustrated and chewed a hole in his breathing tube. So, one of the doctors was keen enough to recognize this and replaced his tube. That's when things started picking up. He eventually was well enough for his tube to come out, then.
His tube was out, he was progressing wonderfully...but his mind wasn't quite right. He was remembering things that didn't happen. He was saying things that didn't make sense.
The neurologist told me that I could expect that to happen, considering how long he was under and how many drugs were being pumped into him. So, I say to him, How long should I expect this to go on? He thinks it over briefly and says "it could be a couple of days, months or even years"
"years?"
"yeah, or never..its a touch and go game. We can't be sure at this moment"
"years or never"
Great. A neurologist with no tact...plants a seed of doubt in my head.
So...we waited a few more days and started to see improvement. The neurologist comes back and says how great he is doing and we can expect to see more improvements as the days go on...at the most a couple of months.
Whatever. The neurologist just comes in and sprouts off some lines about something, smile and leaves. What an idiot. At any rate, its now tuesday. One week from when they took out the breathing tube.
He's been home since saturday night.
He's doing great and everything seems to be getting back to normal, mentally. Its pretty good.
We're both changed, now.
Because he was "near death" the week of the 15th, he's experienced things that have changed what's important to him. He no longer 'sweats the small stuff' so to speak. His outlook has really changed. That's so cliche, but I guess cliches are that way for a reason. I dunno. I didn't experience it, so Im' not sure what i'd be like.
My personality has gone more to the "i'm not going to put up with shit that makes me unhappy or uncomfortable anymore" Life is too short for me to sit around and PUT UP with stuff, when I really don't have to.
This makes obvious sense to everyone reading this...I'm sorry i'm such a late bloomer.
Things are going well, the road to recovery is long blahblahblah.
Thanks for understanding my absence.
On another note, I might be getting a job with this production company called "color bars". They are the stuff that, when I worked for media one, we'd farm stuff out to. Say we were too swamped at media one..."call colorbars and get them to do it".
My friend's mom is really good friends with the owner. She's also his accountant. So, on Monday she faxed him my resume and he apparently got all excited. Hah. no that reads wrong. He apparently was happy about the prospect of speaking with me . I guess they're really really busy and he can't keep up. There is no better time than now to hire an experienced and award winning video editor. I want this job so bad I can't stand it.
Plus, because of my kick ass severance package...i'll be making two 40 hour a week checks instead of one.
In the almighty words of eric cartman "kick ass"
I'm also wearing fake nails. During the week that the boy was unconcious, I was a bit tense...though i was always referred to as "am, the strong one". Anyway...I went a bit nuts and while my mom was doing her nails I made her do mine too.
This is such an odd adjustment for me. I feel horrible just even saying "i'm wearing fake nails"
It makes me feel like i'm the worlds biggest ...poser, fake cheerleader wannabe.
I mean i should say something else...like 'I have artificial nails on". It makes it sound robotic and high tech. Doesn't it?
At least I think so.
So...I'm getting up early every day now...i'm doing things throughout the day and going to bed at a normal human time. its crazy! I've got stuff to do today, so I've gotta get a shower and head out.
Weee.
Oh and my friend I was talking to...the IM one...he fell asleep while we were talking last night.
Is this like one of those highschool things where you fall asleep on the phone and wake up with your sweat and drool all over the reciever...
hm. It makes me feel giggly.
posted at 11:15 AM
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