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December 30, 2001
OH MY ...grrr.gr.!! I don't even have words for what I'm feeling.
I'm watching the behind the music on Judas Priest. They actually have subtitles up...for what they are saying.
But what you don't understand is that these guys are speaking ENGLISH! ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!! They have a british accent but it's not hard to understand. For shit's sake.
You know that VH-1 had to put subtitles up because people have complained in the past.
GOD DAMNIT!
Its people like these that make me want to punch everyone I see.
posted at 11:40 PM
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December 29, 2001
So Christmas was excellent. Partly because I didn't get pneumonia this year, but mostly because I got spoiled rotten. This year has been the shittiest year of my life, aside from one or two big events. What with my dad having a heart attack and having to get surgery, J nearly dying, etc etc etc...I'd say I was in need of some good old materialistic lovin'..
First, to get this all out of the way...here's some of the rundown of what I got.
Curio Cabinet.
I can't tell you how excited I was to get this. I jumped up and down and did a dance all around the house. I have soooooooo many little things that I want to protect but I have nowhere to put them because of my crazy cats. I will now have a safe and sturdy place to store my breakable knickknacks and my nightmare before Christmas snow . globes . I am practically jumping right now just thinking of it.
Printer
This was also a very unexpected gift. I have been bitching about my lack of printing ability. I hate having to run up to kinkos and pay them double or triple of what I should be just to print out my resume. As a bonus gift to the printer, I also got a thing called "the stomper" which makes labels for your cds. Yay. No more blank cds laying around.
Game Cube
Actually this game was the result of the gift certificates. We pooled our gift certificates together and bought a game cube and a couple of games. I love games...
Pop Up Video Game
This game is the best game ever made. It might as well be called "Just let Am win" Game. It's a trivia game all about music and odds and ends related to music or their videos. No one will play this game with me. Everyone sucks. I play the game alone with my cats. I still win. I am the greatest.
I got other odds and ends too...and the new nightmare before Christmas snow globe ...which completes my set so far. Mostly just stuff ...and there's absolutely no where to put it in my dinky apartment. I'm not complaining, though.
So, what else. Christmas Eve was hilarious and fun. I had a great time. It really reminded me how wonderful my family really is. And it reminded me how crazy insane my family is as well. My Uncle got drunk as hell and went around grabbing people...mostly boys...to make fun of them. I don't quite understand why or what was so funny about it, so don't ask me to explain. He was really drunk. Then, my parents neighbor comes over. She's more drunk than my uncle, which is quite the accomplishment. So she and my uncle start playing off each other. You can imagine at this point how loud the house was. I think I heard more sex jokes on Christmas Eve than I have in my entire 26 years. My neighbor also gave me instructions on how to get pregnant if I didn't want J. to know. "You just have to get on him and do this(visualize a 40 year old woman ..who looks like she's 20...doing the pelvic thrust at you. Very crazy) when he's sleeping. He'll never notice!" Disgusting stuff, but hilarious because you know she doesn't remember a damn bit of it.
Of course everyone was joking with the idea of getting me pregnant because I was holding my baby cousin, Jack. "So when's it gonna be your turn." "When are you going to give us babies?!" Why don't you let me grow up a little before I can be a mom. I mean isn't that a lot of pressure? They're already giving me shit about not being this, being more like that...and now they want me to try to bring a child into the mix. Ha. People, people, people. What don't you understand about "I think I'm going to wait a little bit" ?
Anyway, going off on a tirade.
Christmas Eve, yes. It was so much fun, just hanging out, avoiding the drunks, laughing away. Being around family is the best this time of year. Actually any time of year. My mom complains about having too much work to do in order to get the house ready for the party, my brother complains about my parents getting on him to clean the garage, I complain about my mom telling me to come over and help her clean..it's a vicious cycle but I don't think I'd ever want it any other way.
For once I wasn't burdened with the fact that I can't find a job, my bills aren't getting paid, my house is messy, I've got allergies, whatever and ever amen. I just had a good time. I ate, I laughed..it was wonderful.
And woohoo I didn't get pneumonia.
But today I woke up with one hell of a nasty cold. I am pissed. Can't I just enjoy one new year without sniffling and sneezing and coughing my way through? Apparently not. I don't know what it is but for the past three years I have been incredibly sick on Christmas or new years. Two years I had really bad pneumonia, like 106 fever make the doctor go "oh my" type pneumonia. Last year I had really bad ear infections in both ears on new years. I thought I'd get through this year without a cold. Nope. I think its a conspiracy. Oh well.
It looks as though this new year will be spent out at my parents house. My mom is making me steak and the rest of the people are going to eat crab legs. Sounds like a plan. Besides, I'm still having issues with my non-smoking-ness so going to a club might not be the wisest idea, not counting the outrageous cover prices that people charge. As an aside, I don't normally make resolutions for new years or if I have I can't remember and I probably said something whilst in a drunken haze like "I promise to eat more legumes!" I think I may actually decide to make one this year, but don't hold me to it. I like Em's idea of writing down what books she reads so maybe I might do something like that. I don't know.
Anyway, it's taken me a couple of days to work through my Christmas update. I would go to write something and nothing would come out. I would type, delete, type, delete over and over again. I'm forcing myself not to go back and delete what I've already written here. I just can't bring myself to like it...
but that probably has a lot to do with being sick. Nothing 's right when I'm sick.
Well, I'm going to go lay back in bed, try not to whine and finish reading some books. Goodnight.
posted at 8:58 PM
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December 22, 2001
Someone ...sloth? yes, you...wrote me something in a comment earlier and I thought I should respond here.
"So you get a Piece of Paper that says you have a BA in film..then what???"
Well, from there I go to grad school and get my Ph.D.
"Have some corporate job in which you get a paycheck, but will you actually be remembered for it years after your passing?"
You may never know. I don't know if I'll ever make a difference regardless of what I do. Then again I may make a difference to three or four people who could go on to make a huge difference somewhere else. As long as I am happy doing what I'm doing then it doesn't matter to anyone but me. You can try all you want to have your name written in lights, to be remembered for your art...(I'm using the general "you" here, not specifically YOU)... and in the end who does it boil down to? Whether or not you think you made it. Besides, I don't have the condition to live for my art if I can't make a living. I need to know that my bills are going to be paid. I need to know that I am going to be able to eat tomorrow.
"The future is NOW and you have catching up to do and this doesn't involve school."
Why not? What if that's what makes me happy? What do I have to catch up on? There's been a ton of shit I've been doing and I don't think I've missed out on anything. The only incident that I've truely missed out on was the Peter Murphy concert back in like 94 when I had a ticket but my friends stood me up and I was too shy to go in by myself. I don't have any regrets. Wait, I take that back. I have a regret but it doesn't involve videos or bands or underground anything, it involves a person and that's nobody's business but mine.
Now, I don't have anything against that nomadic lifestyle or the rock and roll times that go with it. I respect that whole pick up and leave at any time, sleep wherever you are meet everyone know no one type of deal. I know that you couldn't live your life any other way and I really couldn't see you living any other way. Hanging out with Motorhead, interviewing Texas Terri. That's your thing and I love and respect you for it. I just wish you could at least respect mine. I'm happy being on the sidelines. I'm happy having adventures of my own...ones that may seem weak in comparison to yours.
I have a feeling you (or anyone ) are going to read this and say that I'm giving in, I'm wussing out. I'm not saying that I'm giving up. I'm not saying that I'm not going to try to be rememberd for my art or my life or my work or whatever the fuck. I'm going to do what makes me happy. I'm going to go and live and remember and write and create and be all that I can be. It just so happens that on this particular journey, I want my film degree. It won't matter a shit to you or anyone, but it'll prove to myself I could do it. Small triumphs, I guess.
I think it's cool what you're doing, out there living, fighting the good underground fight. I just can't do it. If you hate me for it, that's fine. I just can't be what you want me to be. I have to be what I want to be and nothing more.
posted at 2:47 AM
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December 19, 2001
The layout needs to change again. I'm hating it very much.
I'm currently watching "trading spaces" on TLC. This is how I spend my time at 4pm every day. Trading Spaces ...Yep. I actually get excited to see how the room is going to turn out, just in case the homeowners hate it. I yell at people when they start to complain. Yep. I suck.
This funk I'm in is starting to make me an infinitely less interesting person.
What did I do yesterday or what did I experience yesterday that I have to write about today? Absolutely nothing. Oh, yes, I did manage to leave the house to buy coke. That's it.
I now have 80 cents to my name.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to find interesting things to write about. I could write about the angry lady at Walgreens. Or the lady who bought gum and a snickers on her credit card. Not a debit card...a credit card. It was a platinum card people! GUM! ON! A! CREDIT CARD!!!
Or the lady and her annoying and snotting daughter who kept bumping into me in line.
...Maybe not.
So. There's absolutely nothing I can write about and its incredibly frustrating. I'm not writing this as a "whine bitch poor me boo hoo feel sorry for me" . I'm writing it just as it is. Take it or leave it. I've become a non entity.
I am reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman, though. I should be done with it tomorrow. It's an amazing book. It's one of those kinds of books that make me look at people differently and it makes me want to go on one hell of a road trip. I haven't been on a trip in ages. I think the last road trip I went on was to New York for thanksgiving last year. That trip was so much fun. The last time I had been to NYC was with a paranoid exboyfriend who made me put my money in my shoe and wouldn't let me take pictures because he didn't want to be labeled a tourist. *laugh* And he was from like 30 minutes out of the city. I just patted his little bald head and let him pretend he was taking care of me. Though I knew if it came right down to it, I would probably be doing the fighting for both of us. Good ol Matt. Though,granted, when I went to the city with Matt, I saw the road less traveled. I saw the bars that Bob Dylan used to play in, I saw the out of the way studios Clive Barker used to use. I'm just glad I got to see all the touristy stuff too.
I'm supposed to be going to my parents house tonight to "clean out the downstairs fridge". Can you tell I'm excited to go? I'm practically jumping up and down. I've been putting it off since tuesday and now I think I'm going to put it off one more day. I'll call my mom tonight and let her know I didn't get my check so I don't have gas money to get out there until tomorrow. She'll understand, right?
That's the thing about this funk that I'm in. You hate being in it, you're angry that you're not doing anything but it's incredibly hard to do anything because you're so down. I don't think anyone I know can understand this feeling. "Snap out of it" right? "Cheer up" right? If only it were that easy, yeah.
posted at 11:04 PM
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Thanks to The Onion for making me laugh
Area Woman Not Yelling At You, She's Just Saying
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Area resident Roberta Pearle clarified Monday that, while it may look like she is yelling at you, she is actually just saying. "I'm not yelling at you," Pearle explained. "I'm just saying. You know, so you'll know." Pearle then loudly reiterated that she is not yelling. "I'm not," she said.
Hah.
"I'm just saying!!!" that's my favorite phrase of all time.
I'm not mad, i'm just saying....
I'm not yelling...i'm just saying....
heh.
posted at 6:03 PM
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December 18, 2001
HA! Eastern Michigan University tried to block me once again from taking classes.
First they forgot to key in my reinrollment form. Okay. Got that taken care of...check.
Then, as I go to sign up...ooh, mrs.-soothing-computerized-touch-tone-voice decides to tell me that "no, you are not authorized to take ANY class you want to sign up for. Thanks, try again later"
So.
I drag out my audit, my transcripts and all the rest of the bullshit I knew would come in handy...lo and behold! HA! SCREW YOU TOUCHTONE LADY! I have the prerequisites that you claim I do not.
Call the English department and get that taken care of...check
Realize I am two weeks behind in taking my math placement test. Oops. Can not fix until this semester ...damnit. Oh well.
Anyway. I am now reigstered for the three bullshit classes that I need (minus the one math class...) in order to FINALLY get that stupid piece of paper that says I have a BA in film.
jesus christ.
I'm happy. Plus, it helps that I'm taking three classes with my favorite English Professor of all time.
Who wants to take bets that 2 weeks after school starts I'm going to be bitching up a STORM?
posted at 4:59 PM
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Normally I do not like to post these stupid test results in my journal. I think they're silly and fun to take but I really don't think anyone cares what flavor pop tart I am or what famous dead goth I resemble. But, this one made me laugh. I took it expecting something horrible like Don Henley but wound up with this:
50% Eighties Pop Act
You are The Smiths: You were a peripheral player in the eighties, people thought it was cool to be your friend, but they never really wanted to spend time with you. Go watch Twin Peaks reruns.
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How appropriate, heh.
posted at 2:02 PM
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December 15, 2001
I went up to eastern today to finalize some stuff for my classes...
It was weird being up there again, walking around with all the rest of the students. I kept looking for people I know. All the people I know are long gone from there now. I guess old habits die hard. I kept wanting to go to my dorm or back to work at the Union. It was very unsettling.
No matter how hard you want to go back and relive something, when you actually get faced with it, it doesn't seem like that good of an option any more.
Anyway. I'm sleepy.
I went to see Vanilla Sky this evening. It was one of the most ...hm. No. I won't say that. It is now one of my favorite movies of all time. Definately top 10. It's amazing, and I'm not that big of a fan of all three actors involved. I think the thing that got me the most were the words...the script. I haven't been able to stop thinking about the movie since I left at 8...
I think part of it might have to do with what hell I've been through in this year. It all goes back to, if I told you, you wouldn't believe it anyway...I can't believe the things I've experienced this year. A lesser person would have crumbled. I'm proud to have made it through.
I wish I could explain what I've seen, but it would violate so many people's privacy that I can't do that.
It's all a dream and I want to wake up.
I can wake up at any time, right?
posted at 1:28 AM
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December 14, 2001
I see him in Russell Crowe. It's absolutely disgusting. I said that I was getting rid of baggage.
I am. Really honestly and truly.
Sometimes it's really hard, though.
I like the word "pedantic"
I am the proud cousin of a newborn baby named "Jack Allen". He's what we affectionately call a dark baby. You see, people of Asian decent have a skin color that is not white.. Yes, suprizingly they do. My family uses the terms light and dark after a comment I made when I was about 2. I had a white grandpa and a dark grandpa. heh. Well, My uncle is dark. My aunt is white. Their two children are aryan children, just like I was when I was little (long story short, my dad is white my mom is dark). Now, they have the happy addition dark baby. Jack Allen. I'm so very happy. Why do I feel like I'm digging some sort of weird offensive hole?
I don't know.
I'm so incredibly sad. Why do bill companies send all the bills at once, right before christmas. Can't they just wait a couple of weeks?
I'm so incredibly sad...and broke.
I wish I could write a nice little journal entry that reads like a story, but I'm sorry I can't. I write this stuff mostly stream of conciousness and that's just the way it is. I can't take the time to sit and rewrite and think my feelings. I think I should and I think I shouldn't.
I don't know what to think.
The deformed and absorbed twin inside my head is angry and ready for bed.
posted at 12:07 AM
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December 13, 2001
To see a badger in your dream signifies your persistance and final victory over your opponents. The dream may also be a pun on badgering and aggrivating others.
A badger is a fierce little animal and to see this fellow in a dream will show that you have put up quite a fight and won out over your opponents. An injured Badger tells you to fight another day.
This furry fellow is a good omen. You will prosper through your own hard work.
In other words, I'm kicking ass. At least according to my dreams I am.
Maybe it's just cos I haven't been sleeping well. The twin inside my head is uncomfortable and is therefore making it hard for me to get comfortable.
It might have something to do with the weather too, but I won't admit that.
posted at 3:10 PM
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I've been having major headaches for the past 3 days.
Today was the be all end all of headaches. Enough that I actually went and took a bath. I hate baths. Showers are my way ...but I needed to lay there in super hot water and just keep my eyes closed and not move. Moving caused me to nearly puke my brains out, which in hindsight might have helped.
So I'm posting this warning today...If I go in for an MRI and find my twin that I absorbed living inside my head like some twisted version of the movie Basket Case...don't say I didn't warn you.
This is my biggest fear.
No matter how stupid it sounds.
posted at 1:26 AM
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December 10, 2001
It's time to let the baggage go, isn't it?
Out with the old, in with the...present
Time to forget about things that have happened in the past and times to forget about things that won't ever happen again. I'm the queen of vague. It's hard to talk about things without fully revealing what I'm talking about. This tends to get confusing for people to read. Oh well.
I'm saying this now. I'm forgetting the pain of the past. I'm forgetting things I've done to cause myself pain, I'm forgetting the things people have done to cause me pain.
I'm giving up my baggage of people that don't deserve to be baggage. I'm locking them away inside a small box and putting it in the closet. I'm letting them go. It's painful to say that. I've always wanted to have this long lost story to tell my grandchildren one day...maybe I will. I don't know. I'm just tired of carrying it around. I'm just plain tired.
I don't want this over my head anymore and I don't need it. I'm tired of keeping things so sacred and so afraid of ever letting things go. Sometimes they need to just get themselves gone.
I want to make this new transition. I don't know. I think it has something to do with grad school and moving. I never thought I would but...I might actually follow through with it. I'm so tied to people and things that I often overlook what I really want. I can't do this because I'll miss this person or that person....I can't do that because that would mean making other people uncomfortable.
Bullocks to that. I want to do what I want to do. I want to go. I want to ....stop whining.
posted at 7:31 PM
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December 07, 2001
"You have destroyed my flower-like life
Not once - twice "
...that's a subject for a different day.
Today I'm still mad about something that happened yesterday. I mean I'm burning up mad about it. I was standing there looking at this booth in the mall while J. went to lok at some video games. I saw some silver bracelets that were incredibly cool (they closed using "magnet technology"! HA! That cracks me up!!) So, I'm standing there going through them and this little girl comes up and says "Is there anything I can help you with?" Nope, thanks, just looking.
She smiles and moves away. A little. Fine whatever. It's a booth in the middle of the asile in a crowded mall. I'm sure they get a lot of people saying 'yeah just looking' while they stuff their pockets full of gold.
I continue to look. The manager, who is helping another customer pretty much right in front of me, asks me "Can I help you with somethin?" . No. Thanks. Just looking.
Okay. Whatever. Maybe he didn't see little girlie who is standing next to me ask me if I needed help. That's fine.
I'm starting to feel a bit crowded now, Manager on my right with some "hip" dad buying gold chain by the yard for his Vanilla Ice son. Shop Girl on the left pretending to straighten rings.
I move around Manager and stand on the other side of the kiosk, looking at more bracelets. I really want to get one...the consumerism bone in my body starts to ache somethin fierce. Suddenly I'm pounced upon on my right by yet another shop girl "Can I help you ?" She asks.
No. Again. I am just looking right now. If I need help, I'll walk the ten feet over to the register to get you, thanks.
I mean it's a kiosk people! *sigh* ANyway. This Shop Girl #2 starts to walk away..thinks about something, then comes back. She stands right next to me. I look at her, "yeah, I'm still looking". She smiles....and doesn't move.
Now i've got crazy shop girl #2 on my right, Manager and Vanilla Ice Dad on my left, Shop Girl #1 on his left...all sort of hovering over me. If there's one thing i can't FUCKING STAND is when people I don't know get into my personal space.
FUCK YOU GET OUT OF MY SPACE!!!!!!
this goes for when I'm standing in line, also. Don't ride my ass. I usually just wind up steping back a few feet and run into those people. Getting all the way up my ass is not going to make the line go any faster....
and standing right next to me and staring while I'm browsing through cheap jewelry is not going to make me buy it any faster.
I just stood there and stared at her.
She stared back.
"Um, you wanna get off me" I said...
"what?" She said.
"Is there a reason why you're standing on top of me?"
"What?" She said again.
"Oh good lord!" I put down the bracelet (that I still want, mind you. It was really cool..but fuck them. I'm not goign to give them the satisfaction)
And I walked away.
What the fuck was that all about.
It realllly really bothers me. GRRRR.
posted at 12:48 PM
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December 05, 2001
I'm back.
In the words of senior Glenn..."wooahhhhh ohhhhhhhhhh woahhhhh oh oh oh"
Made a new friend. She's way cool.
I'm old.
Got some stuff straightened out in my life. Don't know what to make of most things. I need to finish my writing...and need to start submitting it. Damnit.
You'd think my first post in a week, i'd be more profound. Sorry.
posted at 4:07 PM
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