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February 28, 2002
Do you ever get into one of those moods where you have everything to say but the inability to say it.
I'm reduced to "my neck hurts"
"I made another book today"
OH! I know. I have exciting and intriguing family drama for you. My brother and his apparently not-so-perfect perfect fiancee are putting the wedding plans "on hold" so she can "find herself". My brother said "At least she's finding herself now, instead of finding herself later with half of my stuff". Heh.
She's upset because she doesn't feel the giddy butterflies of romance anymore. (They've been together for 3 years now) She's upset because my brother doesn't "talk enough". (If anything he talks more ..) She's mad because she wants to go to bars and clubs and he doesn't like to dance. (So go without him!) She's upset because all of her friends are "his friends". I don't know what to say. She's a sweet girl, dim but sweet. But he's my brother. I'm going to protect him with my whole body and soul. IF she's making him sad I'm going to go out for blood. It's just the way I am.
She thinks my parents pick on her because 1) my mom told her it wouldn't be a good idea to wash her Dry Clean Only clothes in the washing machine. (she did anyway, then complained when they shrank) 2) my parents were concerned when she passed out at their house and when they took her blood pressure it was insanely low. So, of course, they got concerned and were on her to go to the doctor. She didn't think it was a problem. 3) When my brother got home from working like a 14 hour day, she was sitting on the couch ...he was hungry and so she got up and made herself something to eat...and let him sit there. Wait. Before you go crazy, lemme preface this....I don't cook. I fear the kitchen. I am terrible about cooking. Horrible. I do NOT think women should be the one to cook for their husbands just because it's what women should do. But what I don't like is if you get up to go get something to eat at least offer to get something for the other person in the room. I think it's incredibly selfish if you're only on about yourself...especially if the person in the other room is hungry too. I don't know. Am I getting my point across?
maybe I'm overprotective...I don't know.
She's like that though. She really only does for herself and then gets mad if someone ignores her.
It's not that she's a bad person. She's really really young. It's not her fault. She's just young. Yeah.
She's very high maintenance and he needs some one who is going to be pretty independent. It's a weird match. They're too cute together tho.
My parents are pissed tho. She moved out of their house and didn't even bother to say goodbye or "thanks for the hospitality". Granted, she only moved back into her mom's house right across the street....but....still. I think that if she knew my parents AT ALL she could have at least said "ok, thanks! I appreciate it".
I don't know.
I'm confused.
Mostly because I'm no longer the shitty kid in the family!! I am the good kid again!!
They like me more today!!
Yay!
posted at 11:53 PM
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February 27, 2002
I think i've fixed the archives for now.
I might be tweaking them a bit here and there...but for now they're pretty much functional.
and I did it all on my own.
Thanks to Phil for making the script generator, though.
posted at 11:37 AM
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February 26, 2002
All new !! Wee!
Everything should be running fine, except for the pictures page...I want to update what pictures I do have in there. I no longer have red hair and bangs.
Oh well.
Enjoy.
Lemme know if you have any problems.
*edit* archives are down for the time being. I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong and why they're not showing up.
You'll just have to deal ...I know you're going to be heartbroken. *sorry*
posted at 9:46 PM
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February 22, 2002
Something I'm afraid of...something highly stupid...
Crystalline images.
You know, like a microscopic picture of crystals...all highly bunched together. It goes with my stupid clusters thing.
This picture Louis Wain ...scroll to the Psychotic period, figure 5.
I nearly claw my eyes out when I see this picture. It frightens me to no end. Its disgusting. My stomach is churning. I'm actually really bothered by this picture.
Yet I can't stop staring at it.
Funny isn't it?
posted at 4:22 AM
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So . I've posted my questions. I won't say what they are. They're lame.
I know he won't answer them. I can't even stand it.
I'm feeling pensive, moody, angry...and I'm gonna write a lot tonight. If you're not into reading a lot of whining, bitching...or if you're going to throw this back in my face later on, Please leave now.
Alright. Let the randomness begin.
I want a cheese-hat. I want to wear a big orange block of foam cheese on my head.
Did you ever notice in Kevin Smith movies, there's always someone doing something wacky in the background? I'm watching Dogma for the first time. Interesting. While Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were walking and talking about something, there were a bunch of people, doing their silly little things in the background: the cheesehead seller guy, the "interesting" couple..hm. Every single movie. It's like a trademark.
Also, Alan Rickman is an angel. *drool* I think it's all the accent.
So. What else. I have been turned down, again, for a job that I'm WAY overqualified for. Like seriously overqualified. I applied for a position as an assistant editor. What this position would do is log tapes, provide graphics on disk to the editor, keeping logs, organizing tape backups. A glorified internship.
Now. Let me explain what I did before this. I was a producer. I wrote, directed, produced, shot, edited commercials. I was in charge of it all. I was the head honcho. I have won awards for my editing work. I was promoted to head editor two days after being trained on the avid. I'm good at what I do.
So. Lets compare the two: log tapes (put tapes into a vcr and write down the time codes for the things on the tape), provide graphics on disk (provide graphics on disk), keeping logs (write shit down on paper some more, do whatever the editor tells you to do)...etc etc.
I can do this fucking job in my sleep and they don't think I'm appropriate for the position?!?
Lemme just say WHAT.THE.FUCK!?
I can't do this shit anymore. I'm getting so tired of it all. It's like...I know I'm qualified for a whole lot of shit. I'm good at what I do. I'm a very fast learner, I'm smart. I'm cool.
I'm hip.
And I can't get a fucking job to save my life.
Fucking media play won't even give me a break.
Fucking video store down the street...
Fucking gas station!!!!
Jesus fucking christ. I mean, I don't have any appropriate words for the shit that I'm feeling. I hate not being able to articulate my pain into words using more than "fucking, fuck, fucker, fucky"
I just am really at a loss. I don't know what to do at this point. I've bitten the bullet. I've applied at shitty places I told myself I would never apply at.
What's wrong with me? That's what it's boiling down to. I was pretty strong before this. I was pretty happy with who I was or what my abilities were. Now, when I can't even get a job that I'm overqualified for because they don't think I'm qualified.......what am I supposed to think? What is that supposed to mean?
What it means is "Sorry, you suck. Good luck with your future endeavors. Don't ever apply here again."
I don't even get the chance to say "Would you like fries with that" (which, by the way, has anyone ever asked you that question before? All of the years I can remember, I've never been asked 'would you like fries with that'. I wonder if that's along the lines of ...'beam me up scotty' which supposedly Kirk never said)
So.
Back to Dogma. I can't get enough of Matt Damon lately. Why? Good lord, why? I don't really think he's attractive. I'm sure he's an asshole in real life. But I've seen "The Talented Mr. Ripley" more times in the past two weeks than I can even begin to tell you. It's on, I can't stop watching it. I put it in the vcr when I want something on tv, when I need noise so I can sleep. I hate him. I love him. It's sickening.
I think it goes back to the job thing. I have far too much time on my hands.
And now with all of this time I have, I don't get anything done. A rut. I am in a rut, rut, rut. I have so much time, but when it comes to having to do things...I don't want to do them. I put everything off, now. I never used to. I never used to be this bad. I think it's getting pretty dissapointing. I'm disappointed. So. What's the right choice? "Do something about it". But that's the thing, I even put that off.
It's disgusting.
At least I'm doing all of my homework on time and I'm acing my classes. My teacher thinks I've got incredible talent (suprise superise, I know. I don't exactly write wonderful prose here, do I?)
Another thorn in my side.
My future sister in law. She's living at my parents house. She sees them all the time. She knew more about my dad's sickness before I did. (he's completely better, now anyway) She goes on and on and on about all the things she buys, all the money she has...all these things and plans. How she's out of debt now, how she planning on this great house, all the clothes she has..blahblahblah.
It kills me to know she's better than me.
I'm so tired of her having everything. I'm tired of her being the one to see my parents and to be the "good one" in their eyes. She's got the best body, she's so pretty...she's got it made.
But she's pretty dim.
I got the brains. But what good are they doing me?
I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I just want a break.
posted at 2:29 AM
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February 19, 2002
The guy who runs clive barker's official site Lost Souls posted a message on our newsgroup that wondered if we had any "serious" questions for Clive. And, to Please email him if we do.
Christ. I don't know why I"m suddenly nervous. I mean seriously pretty nervous. There's nothing wrong with me, there's nothing going to happen to me, but I'm all frantic.
Like I have to come up with this amazing question by tomorrow night. THis super duper serious but hip but cool but something question that Clive is going to remember for the rest of his life.
I can't do it. I can't think of any questions that are super duper serious but hip but cool etc...I can only think of questions like "Do you like Tuna Fish sandwiches?And if so do you have to have them toasted?" "What makes you laugh harder than you've ever laughed before?" "If you're english, does that mean you automatically have to like monty python?" "Do you like Big Macs" "WHY OH GOD WHY LA?" "Who is your favorite musician?" "Please tell me you don't like 'queer as folk' and if you do, why, just because you're gay too?" "Which is better scrabble or monopoly?" "Which side of the bed do you sleep on?" "Boxers or briefs?" "What are the perks of being You?" "When did you start smoking cigars" ....you get the idea.
I can't be serious. I had this same problem when I went to see him in San Francsico in 99. I sat there while he waited for questions from the audience. I nearly started crying because I couldn't think of a serious question like the other people in the session were asking. I mean they were asking some good serious questions "How do you avoid the passive voice when you are writing?" blahblah. I just sat there and stared at him. I was afraid that if I even looked away I would start bawling and mewling like a little baby or I would start laughing hysterically at my own silly questions. I was so afraid I would betray myself and raise my hand to say "What's the one thing, weird thing, that you have to have with you when you travel?" Something stupid, completely unrelated to anything. But I'm shy. I'm too shy to just stand up and say it. I shouldn't care if people stare at me, but I'm honest to god afraid that I would burst into flames. I get so shy!
Now, this new situation isn't exactly the same thing but close. HOLY SHIT what am I going to ask him?
I have one day to come up with stuff.
One measly weasly day. actually 33 hours, give or take 2.
Maybe I should ask him something about his plays?
I don't know. It has to be something important and silly and cool and ...something that will stand out at the same time.
Jesus. See. This is what I do to myself. I'm going to have a heart attack by the time I'm 30.
posted at 2:42 PM
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February 15, 2002
On February 28th, my web page will no longer reside at this address.
It will be switched over to the stupid location of :
Http://mywebpages.comcast.com/imacolata
Please write this down so you know where to go to when I start to move things over. (probably within the next few days...depending on if I get access like they say I will)
So remember. Do it by February 28th!.
posted at 3:36 PM
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February 14, 2002
If I hear the words "a terrorist act" one more time...I'm gonna ..seriously...run around with a gun.
"the kidnapping of this child was a terrorist act"
"The criminals who blew up this train track have committed a terrorist act against our community"
"the lack of good jelly at my grocery store is obviously a terrorist act committed by a bunch of self righteous jelly distributors"
GET A NEW POPULAR PHRASE!
"Terrorist act" belongs in the same garbage can as "e-commerce" "e-anything"...
I feel like i'm bleeding from the ears.
All morning, watching cnn...i heard the phrase "terrorist act" at least 15 times in an hour.
A bit excessive don't you think?
posted at 4:48 PM
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February 13, 2002
I don't know what's wrong with me lately but ...man do I hate the telephone.
I seriously hate the phone.
When the phone rings I just want to pick it up and hang it back up. I don't have anything to say so I generally just sit there and go "oh yeah, wow...yeah...uh...no, oh really? yeah..cool.."
Except for Amy. She knows I love talking to her.
And except for when I feel like making a phone call. Which is rare, but I sometimes do.
I hate the phone.
I'm glad it's not working.
posted at 10:07 PM
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Now I'm on a Roosevelt mission. but I'll save you the details here....until later. Mwahahhaa.
Who makes the best James Bond. I'm of the Roger Moore family, thank you very much. There's something too....wife-beaterish about Sean Connery.
Though he is very good...
Today has been a day of repetition. I repeat the last thing someone says to me...without thinking about it. Usually cos people talk to me while I'm in the middle of doing something else and I'm not listening to them.
For example:
Someone: Do you want a hamburger?
Me: Hammmmmmmmmmmmmburgerrrrrrrrrrr (while I was looking up information on a game I'm addicted to called Startopia.)
You people will like me less and less the more I reveal about myself here. I swear....
posted at 9:37 PM
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February 11, 2002
Mr. Roosevelt-hater,
I've left a response to you in my comments re: your hatred for the man.
Ass.
Thanks,
Am
posted at 4:20 PM
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February 10, 2002
Ok.
The hippies upstairs are in a band. They like to play their hippie music extremely loud. If I have to hear their "Send Me On My Way" Rusted Root cover one more time I'm going to go up there with a hammer and beat them all in the faces.
Seriously.
This is my confession.
posted at 2:29 PM
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"The worst of all fears is the fear of living."
"The hardest lessons to learn are those that are the most obvious"
I love Theodore Roosevelt.
posted at 4:32 AM
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February 08, 2002
I'm better now.
I just get angry when people like to talk about shit from my past, like they know me.
If it had been real life, I would have had the opportunity to say "sit down, you don't know me" but,....sadly, the person wasn't here.
The good news is, I've gotten rave reviews from my teacher about my writing. On Monday, she pulled me aside and said that my Burroughs style story was "fantastic"
and she gushed for about 5 minutes.
Then on thursday, I get back a story and she had written "You write with excellent detail and really natural, lively sentences. I'm lookng forward to seeing your writing this semester."
It sounds really innocuous, but it's actually really great coming from her.
I'm great.
posted at 4:14 PM
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February 07, 2002
I fucking love it when people take your past and throw it into your face. It's not like you're allowed to fuck up when you're YOUNG AND STUPID!
Oh it's a big fucking joke to you
yeah. motherfuckers.
I hate you all.
posted at 3:04 AM
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From the I am special in that special olympics way dept.
My computer chair has been feeling wobbly for the past week. I should have done something about this when I first realized the problem instead of ignoring it. When you ignore problems they do not go away! Aha. So today, I was sitting on the chair, rocking back and forth in the wobbly seat. I was listening to music really loud, dancing in the chair and singing away. I didn't realize how bad the wobbly chair had gotten. Suddenly, I'm lying on the floor on my back, wondering what the hell happened.
The chair had, apparently, thrown me on my ass like a bucking bronco and then committed suicide.
It had bent completely in half at the base.
I busted my knee pretty good and broke three nails and bruised my thumb.
I can barely walk.
All from wiggling my ass a little too much in a very wobbly half dead computer chair.
Sons of bitches.
But, my 5 page story is done. It's about my life in music.
It's pretty good. I need way more than 5 pages to really write about it.
Now, I'm off to play a rousing game of Psychobabble
posted at 12:59 AM
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February 04, 2002
So after staying up until about 6am, and then getting back up at 11 and working until now....my second book is done. It's an homage to William Burroughs cut up technique. I took a story and cut it up into small paragraphs. Then, I took each paragraph and made them into a stylish looking card. Next, I took a L shaped piece of hard cardboard type material and covered it with blue and purple paper with little corner rounders on each flat surface of the L. So, your job is to take the cards, (after shuffling) and put one into each corner rounder...for a total of four cards on this L shaped piece.
Am I making any sense what so ever?
It's really hard to explain. I"ll take pictures tomorrow. I haven't yet gotten my mom's digital camera but I'm seeing her on tuesday so I'll have pictures then, I"m sure.
My aunt is moving to San Francisco. But first she's going home to the Philippines. I want to go with her so bad...I have so many family members there that I have only heard about but haven't met. It's going to be so weird with her gone. She's my great aunt and one of the last ties to the "old fillipino family" so with her leaving it's like losing history. Plus seeing her all the time reminds me of my grandpa.
I am so tired. I spent so long working on this "book" ...and I have a 5 page story due on thursday. I'm not complaining.
I"m also entering this contest that if I should win, I will recieve a plane ticket to the city of my choosing. You have to write a proposal about where you want to go, why you want to go there and what you're going to do with the information you gain from the place. Only 2 people have entered. I think I have a pretty good shot at winning.
I want to go to Prague. Maybe I'll come back a bug.
posted at 4:12 PM
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February 02, 2002
It is officially ...
GROUNDHOG DAY !!!!!!!!
I am now going to watch groundhog day the movie on repeat until midnight. It is a yearly ritual. I love this movie.
Hate me now.
Go ahead. You know you want to.
posted at 12:56 AM
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February 01, 2002
I have insurance on my car!! Woo!!
I have to turn the lease in in 24 days. I will miss my Chet. I have good memories with that car. I will surely cry when I turn it in...well, that's pushing it.."I may feel slightly sad but I won't cry". Since I don't have a job, it's going to be too hard to re-lease a car...so I might be getting a cheap car with no payments in the mean time. One of those family friend's cars who just have this car sitting around. We'll see. The good thing is two key words. "NO PAYMENTS". I have to keep telling myself that. But also, no cd player. I don't even think there's a tape player...Now, I'm not usually this whiney about my cars. I'm not big on much as long as it handles well in the snow....but music is really important to me and if I have to drive to school an hour one way, I have have have to have something to listen to. I can't stand the radio for longer than 30 minutes.
I'm willing to make all sorts of sacrifices...but please I need a real radio.
In other news, I watched the last part of Bridges of Madison County the other day and since then I've been wondering...who else loves this movie? Grandmas, my mother and rich white women who listen to books on tape. I don't fit the typical Bridges of Madison County Oprah book club type person. I wear converse all stars. I listen to german industrial music and brit pop. I wear pigtails. I love reading about serial killers and that kind of stuff...yet, I'm reduced to a weepy snotty ball of mess when I watch movies like this. I cry and I sob and say "Its sad because it's true!!" I like martha stewart. I love sap. I can't get enough of it. SO, what this means is that I am even an outcast in the outcast circles.
I'm okay with this, but it's so odd.
Here's some interesting information:
When I was little I used to write my name in my books. Only, I wouldn't sign my real name. I would sign it "Amanda Poncherello " because I used to think that I would grow up to marry Erik Estrada as Officer Poncherello. This was right after my "Amanda Duke" stage...(Bo Duke was my first husband...)
I wish I still had some of those books.
posted at 5:16 PM
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I am now the proud owner of a french manicure. So hard to type now...
Someone metioned an islamic fundamentalist M&M earlier...and since then I haven't been able to get the image of my M&M's having beards. ...screaming as they jump into my mouth "May a thousand of us rot your teeth you great western Devil."
I am disturbed but laughing all the while. I'm getting a sick satisfaction of chewing on them now...."I crush you mightily"
I think I'm going to take a ride somewhere...the roads are clear now. I need to get out...listen to music.
posted at 1:30 AM
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