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May 31, 2002
I want you to know : He's not coming back
Look into my eyes : I'm not coming back
I've renewed my love for Radiohead...Mmm-Hmm.
posted at 10:11 PM
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Today we have a day of excellent music. First it was this really cool trancey stuff to get the day started.
From there, we pop in the weezer (courtesy of yours truly)...
and now we're playing a mixed cd of rockin 80s awesome underrated songs..."Monkey's gone to heaven" by the Pixies..."Cities in Dust" Siouxsie....right now is the pogues and I can't recognize the song, but I got his voice...
and now Tones on tail.
So I have the bad music culprit narrowed down to one person. Stuck stuck in the bad 80s. The not so good mecca of horrible hair rock. The kind that sings love ballads to squealing guitars. Son of a bitching bad music...wanting to know what love is and he wants you to show him bullshit.
It's so nice working with decent music playing.
Unfortunately I don't have anything to say lately. I've been so tired.
I have to take my math placement test next week. If I don't, I expect each and every person who reads this to come and slap me in the back of the head.
posted at 12:36 PM
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May 29, 2002
It's recently come to my attention that no one will ever understand my past. There is one event in particular that I am talking about, that only a select few even know about. I feel like Bruce McCullogh from Kids in the Hall..."no one will ever know my secret...."
I really don't expect anyone to understand.I don't know if anyone could possibly begin to comprehend why or how unless they walk two steps in my shoes. I don't expect people to think it's right and I don't care if they do. All I know is that I'm going to feel the same way I did and continue to live how I live...regardless of what you or anyone thinks. No one will ever understand what really goes on inside of another person.
No one will ever understand why some people do what they do. Everyone has a reason.
I don't regret anything in my life that I have done...
I don't regret the choices I have made.
I hold onto these things deep inside me. I won't ever let them go no matter how sad you think it is, no matter how pathetic you may believe it to be (but won't say). I hold onto them because they are mine. They are unique to me.
Not one person in the world will have experienced the feelings that I have had the good fortune of experiencing. No one will have ever had that feeling rush through their body, bullet fast, quickening, extending from your fingertips and from your head like lightning. No one will ever have smiled as I have...where you hope it stays that way, like your mom always warned you..."if you keep making that face it will stay that way"
No one will have cried like I have. No one will have experienced the sorrow that I have gone through in my life.
I'm thankful for it all because it's mine. It will always be mine and no matter what you think of it or think I should do about it...it won't change. I will just hold it tighter and be thankful I was so lucky.
I won't change.
posted at 10:56 AM
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May 28, 2002
Did I ever mention I found out what was going on with my heart?
I was having serious problems a few weeks ago. My resting pulse was like 99 and my blood pressure was extremely high. It was crazy because it just happened out of the blue. My asthma was aggrivated and it was just a bad thing all around.
Come to find out, it was a result of my allergy pills. Allegra-D is apparently very bad for you to take for an extended period of time. Especially twice a day like I was taking them. It's essently like taking ephedrine. bad bad bad for the old ticker.
Now, my pulse is like 50 (or whatever "normal" is) and my blood pressure is 120/80.
My heart is happy.
I think I need to find a new allergy doctor.
posted at 2:15 PM
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May 26, 2002
After several emails and attempts to adjust my schedule, I have devised a plan that would, in fact, allow me to graduate of spring next year instead of winter this year. It sucks, but it's a much easier schedule. This will make it so that I do not get my diploma until 5 years after I was "supposed" to. That doesn't matter so much to me, really. Who cares. At least I'm committed to getting it.
This summer is math, fall is some stupid lame ass feature writing class and winter would be my writers workshop. Then, that spring would be grad. school applications and then hopefully that fall would be the begining of my masters classes.
We'll see what the school has in store for me after this big fuck-up. "Oh no, you can't graduate because we've declared you legally dead...and have erased your entire class schedule from the system"...
Don't put it past them.
Anyway, I spent all day at my parents house today.But this was no ordinary "hey mom how are you doing" visit. This was a work my ass off and wish I were dead visit. I raked, weeded, mulched, cleaned out the pond, planted flowers until I could barely stand. You would have to see my parents yard in order to really appreciate how large of a feat this is. They own ten acres. Now, mind you, not all of those ten acres is mowed or gardened. But...after you get done doing yardwork there you'd feel like it is. I took pictures so as soon as my mom develops them, I will be posting them . (her digital ran out of batteries unfortunately)
To try to give you a mental picture...the entire front of the house is gardens. Three large semi-circular flower gardens. On the other side of the lawn is a very large berm that's been terraformed with huge flat bolders...so that there's three levels built into the wall. On the left of this 'wall' is a medium sized pond. I would say the length of the entire wall is about......260 feet. Now, add a ton of plants, flowers, hostas, pickery green bush things, a dog who won't leave you alone, bugs, a thousand and one weeds, allergies, and even more leaves...and you've got the recipe for F-U-N.
At least we got it 90 percent of it done today.
I still have to plant these stupid purple and white flowers that my mom likes to have border her flower gardens.
Why do I do this, you ask? Mostly because it makes me look good. That sounds messed up, but I have an almost unhealthy obsession with being better than my brother. If you knew how easy my brother had it and how he got away with everything, you'd be a little pissy too. I was tired of working my ass off and getting "why can't you do more".....now I don't get that anymore. I'm the good kid. But partly because I love standing there after the work is done, staring at the yard and saying, "damn i did all that" ...because it just looks so beautiful. It's a nice feeling of accomplishment. And I like being outside. Especially on nice 70 degree days like today.
So it's all starting to be okay...just for today, at least...
Who knows about tomorrrow.
posted at 11:52 PM
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May 25, 2002
I have just discovered that the last class I need in order to obatain my diploma is only being offered at 3:30 in the afternoon.
This is unacceptable.
How am I expected to take this class AND keep my job? What job is going to agree to let me go early two days a week..working 8am until 2?
No job. McDonalds, maybe.
Fuck.
So I don't know what to do at this point. Should I tell my job, either fire me or let me go to class? and then worry about it later? I don't know. One last class. It's taken all of my power to get back to school and finish this. I want to get my masters...but how am I supposed to go to school and pay for it if they only offer classes during the goddamned day? Should I talk to my boss about it next week? I don't know.
I feel so disappointed. I don't want to have to put this off any longer but it's like something isn't letting me finish. Every obsticle that can get into my way, does. Oh, you want to graduate? No, we screwed up your audit. Oh, you want to graduate NOW? no, we lost your library books therefore you can not graduate until you find them. Oh, you found the books on our shelves and want to graduate now? no you owe us money for our mistake. Oh you paid it and still want to graduate? We have changed our writing minor requirements and now you have to take 3 more classes...and don't forget math...Oh, you're almost graduated? You can't take any class after 3pm.
I think I'm going to email my professor and ask what she thinks I should do. Wait until winter semester again? ...I could take a copy writing class this fall and then wait until winter to see if they are going to offer a suitable class in the winter. The copy writing (aka feature writing) class sounds horribly boring and yawn producing. I don't want to take some bullshit class...but I'd rather graduate.
It's always the thing I want most is the thing I never can have.
Is that how it is for everyone? Then why do I feel all alone in this?
posted at 10:58 PM
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Well, I'm not so melancholy anymore. Chalk it up to the phases of the moon.
I realized I have neglected to mention the two patches I bought while at the Motor City Comic Con....I have in my possession a Buckaroo Banzai Institute patch and a Tyrell Corporation patch. I have already sewn them onto my satchel and am the coolest kid in town. I don't carry it around every where I go, so this makes me ten times cooler than those damn downtown Royal Oak emo children.
I have been wanting to go see Dogtown and Z boys for ever but I can't seem to bring myself to head up to the theatre to see it. It's only playing at the Main Art and I just can't handle the pretention that surrounds that place. I've been really thinking about movies a lot lately, and even though I have sworn off film as something I'm going to do with my future, I still feel it's steady little pulse inside my body. I still have an opinion about movies, I still have a love for gore films (rekindled when I met Tom Savini ...ooh ohh Tom Savini...) I have a desire to tell a story with visuals instead of words. Maybe with visuals and words....I don't know. I have a desire for something. But not for the bullshit. the 18 hour days doing the same take. The rules, regulations and crap you have to put up with. For example. Say there's a plant on the set and it's starting to fall over. You can not reach out and adjust that plant because you could be sued for violating union rights. There's a union worker there specifically to mess with plants and foilage used in the background on a set. S/he's called a greensman. Can you believe it?
Ugh.
A friend of mine got fired from a tv show set (Unsolved Mysteries!!) because a rock was casting an unwanted shadow ...so he moved it....which violated the goddamed union and he had to get fired.
That's what makes me mad about films.
Anyway, I have totally digressed. Dogtown and Z-boys. A movie by Stacy Peralta, one of the original Z-boys or original team of guys who skated on Zephyr Skateboard Team. I'm totally into that shit too...don't I amaze you? Comics, Pretentious Films, Indie Music, German Industrial...when will I ever cease to amaze you.
you can read about it on the Dogtown website.
Oh well.
I'm heading out now. There's a big rant coming too....a woman who is bitching about American cinema being sub-par compared to foreign films. Oh fuck that shit. ...but I can't get started cos I have to go.
posted at 1:33 PM
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May 23, 2002
I don't know why I do it but when I'm already feeling down and out, or moody or whathaveyou, I tend to get very morbid.
I was just reading someone's journal. Her father had just passed away and she's still dealing with the residual effects...it got me to thinkin. ...I can't imagine a day without my dad or mom. I'm so naive that sometimes I think that I will never have to live a day without them. Then all of that naivety comes rushing back in a smooth wave...and knocks me on my ass. It's a hard slap back into reality.
My best friend in the world lost her mom when we were 19. I would give everything in the world to change that.
posted at 10:07 PM
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sometimes nostalgia grabs me by the arms and shakes me like a bad baby.
Right now I'm too tired to fight the feelings that are making my chest hurt and my ears ache. It's rising up in my throat and bubbling into my head, making me dizzy.
I honestly don't feel good. Feelings have the ability to make me physically ill.
I don't know.
There are no words....
posted at 8:57 PM
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May 22, 2002
Sometimes a song comes along that you have to listen to about a thousand times in a row...each time getting better. You bounce in your chair while everyone looks at you...trying everything in your power not to stand up and scream the lyrics...
Wolfsheim - Once In A Lifetime is that song for me.
Holy shit this song is awesome.
posted at 3:32 PM
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May 20, 2002
Updating from work..it's a beautiful thing.
Sitting right next to the door facing the wall is for the birds. I'm sick of this crap, that's for sure. I'm going to put my foot down tomorrow...but unfortunately, that's what I said on Friday.
I've been thinking today, about the songs that make me most nostalgic for my childhood. I was listening to my cds (because the music they play here is HORRID HORRID. the best we had today was Pat Benetar's greatest hits) and "movin out " by Billy Joel came on. That song throws me right back to being like 5 years old sitting at my Uncle's house, barbequing and laughing. What other songs make me feel like 5 again...
"The Game" by Queen. I used to LOVE Queen as a kid...I mean, seriously. I even had a poster of them on my wall when I was 6. I was dedicated. I loved Flash Gordon the movie even more because Queen sang the soundtrack.
"Let Em In" by Wings. I don't know why I liked this song so much. In my babybook, my mom wrote that this was the first song I ever sang. I think I was 2. I still remember listening to that song with my mom and giggling.
"House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals. My mom loved this song and she used to sing it to me when I was really young. I remember one time in particular, we were driving home and the song came on the radio. It was a dark, cloudless night and all of the stars were shining and twinkling. My mom was singing so loud and I felt so happy.
"Shake It Up" by The Cars. This song is more because it reminds me of my brother. When he was about 4 he would hear this song and laugh and laugh and laugh. He had (and still has) the most infectious laugh that you have ever heard. You can not listen to my brother laugh and not at least crack a smile. When he heard this song, he'd laugh and then jump all around, shaking his body all jittery like. It's hilarious.
What songs remind you of your youth?
posted at 4:57 PM
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May 19, 2002
Today was the day of the Motor City Comic Convention. It was awesome, although more than a few people should have taken showers before they left their basement bedrooms. It really wasn't as geeky as you would think. (But I guess that depends on your geek definition). There were a lot of gothy teens there trying their best to shock everyone else by wearing only their most gothiest outfits, their shiniest peircings and their freshly dyed green hair. It was cute. There were not as many really huge fat guys as I thought there would be. Mostly just a bunch of geeky freaks that all looked the same. It was pretty funny because the people that are "normal" anywhere else really stood out. It made me laugh.
I got to meet Tom Savini , one of the greatest makeup effects artists in the world. I was most inspired by Tom (and Rick Baker) as a kid...they are responsible for getting me into film. I was such an ass in front of him too. I stood there...grinned...was pushed towards him and j said "she's always wanted to meet you"
"I'm right here" he said
"Yep!" i said.
And proceeded to stare at my shoes.
I did wind up buying a picture of him from the Simpsons episode he was in...and he signed it. I did wind up saying that he inspired me ever since I was a little kid.
"It couldn't have been that long ago."
"Uh, yeah at least 20 years ago "
"Oh. well, yeah, okay."
That's it for my conversation with Tom Savini. Can you imagine what my conversation with Clive Barker will be like
"Blrerhg! Rahh. Yer herugh tar tar bagho!!"
I was also able to speak to Roxann Dawson who plays B'Elanna Torres in Star Trek Voyager. She's a very incredibly nice woman and more gorgeous in person.
I talked to Joe Brooks who played Vanderbilt on the tv show F Troop. What an amazing old man. I wish I could have sat and talked to him for hours. It started to bother me after a little bit because no one was talking to him and he was just sitting behind the table...I felt like I should take care of him or hug him for the rest of the day.l
Alan Ruck, aka. Cameron from Ferris Bueller, was there but I was too shy to talk to him.
Nichelle Nichols, aka. Lt. Uhura, was there also but her line was way too long.
I wound up talking to Eugene Roddenberry, son of Gene Roddenberry (the creator of star trek) and he tried to get me to buy a shirt that said "Trek Chicks Rock". I wanted it *so* bad but it was a baby t and I just don't do those.
We also got yelled at by Nikolai Volkoff...and I was too scared then to talk to the Iron Sheik since they were buddies. I found it hilarious that the Iron Sheik was wearing an entire USA outfit with usa all over it.
yeah.
Hm. What else. I was supposed to meet up with my friend R. but she and I crossed paths somehow and missed eachother. Oh well.
I wound up buying a bunch of comics 1/2 off. How exciting! I, of course, forgot to bring everything I needed....like a camera or my fucking comic list so I knew what to buy...
But I did get to see my good friend Geoff Johns again. It has been so long...like since high school so it was really really great. He also relayed a message from another good friend I grew up with (who happens to be one of his best friends...which is how I met Geoff)...anyway. It was great.
I have a yearbook picture of Geoff and Kris together and it takes up the whole page. I wanted so bad to have him sign that ...it would have been so cool...but as it is, he handed me a one of a kind preview to a comic that's not out yet....with the following note:
To Am:
Clarkston Rules
Love Geoff Johns.
How fucking awesome. He's the worlds nicest guy and I say, if you're interested in getting into comics at all take a look at some of Geoff's stuff. It's amazing. And I'm not saying that just because he's my friend.
SO that was the highlight of the con.
J. got a lightsaber. A real metal one with a big purple Mace Windu blade on it. It's so fantastic!!
I have totally revealed all of my geek roots...and I'm proud. :)
posted at 12:32 AM
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May 17, 2002
I can not get fucking Jesse's girl out of my head.
If I have to suffer you do too.....
Jesse is a friend. Yeah, you know he's been a good friend of mine. But lately something's changed and it's hard to define. Jesse's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine. And she's watching him with those eyes. And she's lovin him with that body, I just know it. And she's holdin him in his arms late late at night. You know I wish that I had Jesse's girl. Where can I find a woman like that?"
Fucking asshole Jesse and his whore of a girlfriend always causin my buddy Rick some problems.
posted at 9:40 PM
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The story of the jerk boyfriend from highschool. (lets call him Shaggy becuase frankly he looked like Shaggy...)
You see, Shaggy and I were highschool sweethearts. The whole nine yards..prom, first time, blah blah ....but unfortunately, Shaggy was smart and I was significantly less smart..in the grade point region. He wound up getting accepted to U of M while I stayed at home and went to Community College for my first year. The problem was Shaggy was getting involved in typical college life, while I stayed at home and stagnated. He changed. I stayed the same. We fought a lot..
Meanwhile...
He found a friend named Amy. Amy used to spend the night in his room and they'd go to lunch together every day and just do stupid college stuff everywhere together. He found another friend named Wendy. He used to spend the night in Wendy's room, walk her to class, pick her up after class....you know, typical college stuff. Well, being his girlfriend I just didn't get it. Especially when he started blowing me off for these girls. Fuck that shit, I said. I told him to straighten up or ship out. ...he tried to straighten up, but you know how that goes.
One day, we went to Wendy's parents house for a birthday party that she was having. We walk in and Shaggy hugs her mom, shakes hands with her dad...."Shaggy, help yourself to anything in the kitchen. You know where everything is..." she says. Dude. That's a bit much, don't you think? I mean, especially because Wendy's mom didn't know who I was. and it was the first time I met Wendy. There is obviously a huge part of his life I'm missing out on. Anyway, Wendy had a boyfriend "back home" (where they used to live)...and she was missing him. He was supposed to come up for her birthday and didn't. She got upset and cried on the porch. Guess who ran out to console her. That's right, my boyfriend. He left me sitting on the couch in her house with her parents.
Did I mention she only invited one other person besides Shaggy and myself? How strange.
Several minutes turned into 30 ...and I went out to see what was going on. Shaggy was pushing her on the swing. Yeah. Romantic type stuff. Heavy. I stood there and waited for a hello or at least a nod. Nothing.
I went over and sat on a bridge that went over a river in her backyard.
I was there for an hour.
I couldn't leave because I didn't know anyone and I was young. If it were me now, I would have taken off in his car....but I digress.
Eventually we left. On the (very long) ride home, I asked him "You love her don't you"
"I love you both"
"Well, you can't have both. You have to choose."
"I choose her."
Yeah. That was a really long ride home. Trying to drive myself home from his house with my eyes swollen and burning from tears was really hard. It was the first and last time I woke my mom up in the middle of the night to hold me like I was 5 again. I cried in her lap while she soothed me to sleep. Thank god for my mom.
He actually thought Wendy was going to leave her boyfriend for him. She didn't. Shaggy came running back to me thinking I would take him back. I didn't.
You know he actually had the audacity to say to me one time when we were fighting (about how I thought it was inappropriate for him to spend the night in her room while he was dating another woman)....he said: "You're my best friend at home and she's my best friend here."
It still stings to see that. Fucker. Last I heard he got married to some chick he mentioned a few times named Victoria. I hope he's bald and looks like Uncle Jesse.
posted at 12:04 AM
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May 15, 2002
I'd like to start off by saying hello to the folks who found my page via google looking for:
this+my+sexy+mom+personal+hot+fucking+me
"difference between spree killer and serial killer"
Olympian+Tradition
"Cult Neck Tattoo"
and mom+gets+fucked+lust+stories.
I'm sorry but I'm not going to be writing sexy stories about fucking my mom. You'll have to look elsewhere. Though I find it amusing. I'm finally starting to get those messed up hits that everyone else always talks about. I'm starting to fit in!!
Until then, you'll have to deal with boring stories about work and waking up early in the morning.
In other news, the Motor City Comic Con is this weekend and I plan on going. I still don't have enough money for what I plan on buying...so I guess that puts a kibosh on my festivities...but it will still be fun. I will get to talk to a friend of mine that I haven't seen since Highschool. (big fancy pants geoff johns...) and that should be fun.
And to continue with this geek theme...I will be seeing Star Wars Ep. 2 tomorrow. yes, I already have purchased my tickets. No, I will not be waiting in line early. I'm going after work...
The nice thing about work is that the week goes by fast. I can't believe that it's already Wednesday night.
The bad thing about work is that I get like 3 hours after I get home from work before I start getting sleepy and whiney.
I think it's all a matter of adjusting my schedule.
Sloth - do you read this anymore?
After my doctors appointment today, she confirmed that I have to continue to cut sugar out of my diet. Not completely, mind you, but highly limit it. She believes that it could help me in the long run...with issues. I believe that she was only talking about processed sugars...processed? refined? I don't know the word...like artificial occuring sugar. Cookie sugar, candy, stuff like that. I assume natural sugar like fruits and other things I can't think of. Maybe it'll make me happier in the mornings? ha.
I got notice in the mail for my ten year class reunion coming up.
Oh my.
I don't know if I should even bother.
I have a pact with my friend Nate that we're going to dress up as eachother and switch name tags. Our story will be that we've always admired one another so much that we went in for sex changes to become the other person.
It beats giving people the same old bullshit small talk.I want to go because I'm curious about all of those fuckholes who dumped me as a friend when my boyfriend dumped me for some university of michigan slut. Yet, I don't want to go because who cares what they're doing or not doing now? We're all going to lie about what we're really doing anyway...I'm goign to be an award winning avid editor (oh wait, I am ) and a published writer...friends with clive barker..(which really is sort of merely stretching the truth...he's talked to me a couple of times and answered a few of my questions. He might as well be my best friend, you know....)...and world traveled.
Plus, I'd like to see that dick of an exboyfriend to see what he's done to himself now. Yeah, nearly 8 years and I'm still bitter about it. He was mean. That story I'll save for tomorrow cos it's a doozy.
posted at 9:47 PM
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May 14, 2002
I'm having a harder and harder time getting up in the morning.
Yes, it is only my second day and I'm dying. Seven a.m. is just too early. I was doing that fall asleep with my eyes open staring at the computer monitor trick today.
Damnit. So I have a doctors appointment tomorrow in Ann Arbor at 6. I work in shelby township...so that means I have to get off of work at 4:00 to make it to my appointment on time. Which then means, I get to work at 8, don't take a lunch...blahblah. this is boring.
I can not remember what time I have to set my alarm for, though. I keep telling myself and promptly forgetting.
This is what work does to my brain. Permanent damage.
It hurts, mommy! it hurtssssssss.
posted at 9:57 PM
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Well, the first day of work went okay. I made it through unscathed.
Though I already don't see myself at this job for too long, but who knows.
It just seems like a stepping stone job. I guess the turnaround is high too...There are two writers who have one year there, one girl who got hired last week and me.
Hm. Oh well. Everyone is extremely nice and I've already got the hang of the whole job (aside from two or three small points...some facts that I'm not used to...some procedures that don't make sense). I like it there...
I have a really crappy desk that I can barely sit at. It's extraordinarly small with no leg room underneath and it's facing the wall next to the door...so that means my back is to the entire room...yeah. That completely blows. But my boss said that I am getting a new desk soon, and hopefully a new chair (Did I mention I got one of those old type "office" chairs where the back is really low and offers no support and it wobbles around...not good if I'm supposed to be sitting at my desk all day writing).
I'm not complaining, really.
I get internet access :)
But i'm not going to properly utilize that until they give me a computer that has more than 85 meg left on it. Woo. Think of all the fun I can have with that!
Oh and for music....one guy controls the music in the room because the big stereo thing is on his desk.
Holy shit the music.
First off, the Karate Kid 2 soundtrack was playing when I came in.
Then...fucking simply red. Then some other bullshit equivalent that I had to tune out or I'd go crazy.
Finally "greatest soft metal hits of the 80s and 90s"
SOFT METAL? shit. I mean thinks like Stryper, Firehouse and fucking White Lion!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! I can't work to that bullshit.
And the thing is, everyone is my age or slightly older.
Oh lord.
I'm bringing in Einsturzende Neubauten today cos I'm a troublemaker like that heh.
posted at 8:01 AM
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May 13, 2002
I'm prolonging my pain.
I just can't get myself to leave the apartment.
I should be getting my things ready but no. I'm sabotaging myself by reading stuff online.
I feel like the first goddamned day of school. Seriously. It's sick how much I can regress.
I mean I'm even nervous about what I'm supposed to do when I walk in ...do I ask for Natalie, my boss? Do I just go back to the writing department? Do I stand there and hope someone notices me? ....Ok, so the choice seems obvious, but that just shows how irrational and crazy I am being at this particular moment.
I'm so nervous that I'm considering making a mixed cd...which would take me at least 25 minutes...and I have to leave in 5-10.
Sabotage.
It'll be fine.
I'm here all business casually...my hair doing whatever the fuck it wants to do because it's growing out and I just don't have the knack for creative hair styling...(funny, though, I never had a problem when my hair was long....oh well)...Do you think it will matter my shoelace just broke on my boots and I had to tie the ends together..and now they look all freyed? I also think my pants are too short. Great.
I better go. It'll be fine
posted at 8:06 AM
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May 12, 2002
I start my job tomorrow.
I'm incredibly and crazy like nervous. I do this all the time. I get really, really nervous when I'm entering into a new situation that I'm not in control of. I don't like not knowing what I'm doing. I don't like not knowing the people I'm working with. I don't like remembering names.
Granted, the department I will be working in has only 3 people so it's not like it's going into a giant corporation of nameless faces with identical cubes...
but, it's still new. I hate new.
I hate being the new kid, standing there waiting to be accepted. Going "hey guys! HEY! Look at me!!" It makes me self concious so what I wind up doing is over compensating and becoming aloof...then that comes off like I'm a snobby jerk. Actually I'm just shy. I don't like small talk. I don't like "getting to know you" or lets find something interesting to talk about game.
I hate the fact that I work myself up so much over these things.
I hate "Business Casual". What the fuck is business casual? (I know what it is, but it's just stupid...)
I don't want to drive 45 minutes to work every day.
It sounds like I'm really unhappy to have this job. I'm not. I'm so grateful that I can't even begin to tell you. I actually am excited to start writing and stuff...I just wish I could fast forward a few months so I can just skip over the first day of school bullshit, you know what I'm sayin'?
posted at 11:06 PM
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May 11, 2002
Is anyone else bothered by the new goldfish snack commercial?
The jingle is highly disturbing....
"The wholesome snack that smiles back......until you bite their heads off"
How terrible.
posted at 8:21 PM
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May 10, 2002
I'm handing over my musical guru crown.
I have just discovered that David Johansen, the singer of the New York Dolls....is the legal name, the given name, the birth name of mr. Buster Pointdexter.
Holy shit.
This confuses and bothers me beyond belief.
I think I have to go to bed now.
(I have also discovered that I still know all the words to "It takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock. I make no apologies for my confusing musical past...)
posted at 12:38 AM
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May 08, 2002
In honor of Cinco de Mayo and my newly adopted heritiage...I'm building a model car. It's a 1964 Chevy Impala lowrider complete with Lowrider stickers . I have always been a little chola at heart and now I'm celebrating those roots.
It's the first model car I've ever built, so I'm not doing a very good job...but I'm putting a lot of love into this thing.
The car itself is going to be baby blue, with various shades of blues as accents (ie, rims, engine parts, stuff like that).
I did manage to put the engine in backwards, but I figured it out before the glue set in. And I did figure out why they tell you to sand painted areas before you glue them. (The glue melts the paint and smears it all over the damn place)
So I've discovered that it's much easier to glue everything together and then paint it. You don't get as sharp of a job, but who cares.
Here's what my car should look like when I'm done. I think mine is goign to be raised a bit more in the front and lower in the back though...I think I screwed up the shocks...
I don't know what a "Upper Arm" is when dealing with shocks so I just put it on. We'll see.
And don't ever let anyone fool you...putting a model car together, when you don't have any clue about cars, is not an easy task. I couldn't figure out where the exhaust manifolds go. But now I'm filled with a false sense of confidence that since I put this engine together, I can put any engine together. Sure...
All this work will come in handy when my brother starts working on his blazer that he's building ...he'll need someone with my expertise around. heh.
posted at 1:26 PM
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May 05, 2002
I realized I haven't updated about my job situation. After a year of bitching, I am the proud owner of a bouncing baby job! I will be writing interesting and informative brouchures in a creative manner for many different building companies. The trick to this job will be to make each builder look different even though they do the same exact job. This will be a good job, I think. The writing department has only 3 people. 4 including myself. Small departments mean for less corporate bullshit that I'd have to deal with; tighter knit groups, stronger bonds.
I still don't think that I will have the friendships with these people like I have made with my "media-one peeps". I don't know. I hate to make assumptions based on first meetings, but I don't feel any sort of anything towards these people. I met them and they seem like those voidless people - those ones who don't have any external personality at all....nothing that makes them individualistic. If I had to pick any of my coworkers out of a lineup, I wouldn't be able to do it because they all look the same.
Oh well. I suppose it doesn't matter because it's something you have to get used to.
Now, after having all of this free time to deal with, I hate to give it up. I've gotten spoiled. Anyone who has been in my shoes for even a couple of months knows how hard it is to break habits, even if they're bad ones.
I'm hoping it's not too hard to get back into the swing of things.
I was thinking last night about my issues with smoking. I went to the casino this weekend and had issues with the whole thing. (and it was not just the throwing away money factor, though we were good and didn't lose anything) At first, I was worried that I would cave into my cravings and wind up smoking. Then I was annoyed with the old smokers, waving their lit cigarettes in my face (but, always a smoker at heart, I would never ever say anything or do that stupid *coughcough* trick) I was annoyed with myself for spending so much time thinking about it. I mean, come on!
Then I came to this realization, quitting smoking is like breaking up with someone. The first few months you think that you're never going to get over it and there is a permanent hole in your heart. The next few months after that are slowly mending that hole, still down but not out. Then before you know it, a year or so has passed and you don't hurt at all anymore.
Dear Camel Lights
We have to break up. It's not that I don't love you, or didn't love you, it's just that it's time for me to move on. We were just growing apart. I know that you and I had some good times together and City Club will never ever be the same without you, but trust me, this is for the best. You'll find another and she'll treat you better than I ever could. It's not you. It's me.
Love,
Am
posted at 9:15 PM
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Can someone tell me why there is so much focus on goddamned Tasha Yar during the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation?
I hate Tasha Yar. What a wuss she is. She quit the show cos she hated Star Trek so much, then once it got "popular" she begged to come back. stupid idiot tasha yar.
My name is LANDRU
I love me some Star Trek. (except that pussy Tasha Yar. and the ferengi. and sometimes wesley crusher. and the movie that sends the original crew back to rescue some damned whales)
posted at 2:29 AM
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May 04, 2002
More tripe:
I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday
'Cause you're evil
And you lie
And if you should die
I may feel slightly sad
(But I won't cry)
From the one you left behind....
posted at 7:12 PM
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I love a new television show.
SUPER SABADO SENSACIONAL !!
Venevision International presents Sabado Sensacional, a magnificently acclaimed show introducing today's hottest stars! Presented by Venezuela's Number One Host Daniel Sarcos, this live variety show quickly captivates its audiences with a wonderful array of magical surprises throughout the entire three hours. Don't miss the exciting guest appearances, the stars and a lot of fun with Daniel himself!
This weekly funfilled show is continually winning the highest shares in Venezuela and in many other countries. This show has had many specials recorded in places like: Panama, Colombia, Aruba, Puerto Rico, Miami and New York, among many other cities. Sabado Sensacional is a colourful extravaganza introducing today's popular Spanish stars from the film and music world!
Did I mention that I don't speak spanish at all??
posted at 11:32 AM
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May 01, 2002
I've been playing phone tag with the company I'm supposedly going to work for. The pressure is getting to me.
So my brother and his girlfriend went to a bar in Detroit this weekend. No big deal, you say? Why are you posting such tripe, you ask?
It would help to know that the bar that they went to was in fact what they refer to as a "black" bar. You know the kind that hasn't seen white skin in about 5409348 years. I'm talking full out booty shakin, bass thumpin, DMX listenin', ghetto bar.
M, my brother's girlfriend, couldn't be any whiter if she tried.
I think this is hilarious.
They went with a few of their friends who go to the bar a lot, but neglected to tell them what kind of bar it was. M said she got a LOT of dirty looks and some "oh girl, no you didn't just walk up in here" ...
I also found out that while everyone else got charged a cover of 10 dollars, she was the lone person to be charged 15. I wonder if that's the white girl tax?
posted at 12:55 PM
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