December 31, 2002

New Years Eve. Time to party. Time to eat. Time to drink.....

Do I make new years resolutions? I'm not sure. I can't remember.
According to history: resolutions are a reflection of the Babylonians' belief that what a person does on the first day of the New Year will have an effect throughout the entire year. Since, also according to history, the Babylonians are the ones who started the New Years resolution tradition. Although, theirs was in March...

So I'm going to have to New Years. January 1st and March 1st...to coincide with my spring crop planting.

What am I doing tonight? I'm going to a good friends house, playing a ton of games, looking incredibly cool in my Fiend Club t-shirt.
Then, maybe off to City Club ...woot.
Hopefully many pictures will be taken.

Be careful if any of you guys go out driving tonight.
posted at 2:02 PM

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December 28, 2002

Random ness for today. I'm not feeling well and don't feel like editing much:


One of the best things I heard on Christmas day, I didn't understand until much later....

Joel, please try not to kill any more prostitutes.

At first, I thought I was mishearing things - as I'm prone to do - so I asked 'did you just say.....?' and was told the same. I sat for 5 minutes processing this information, wondering what the hell kind of Chrismas I was getting involved in, when J. (who knows me all too well) shouted from the other room It's because he's playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

What a hilarious and odd thing to hear.

Christmas eve involved a fight with my brother.

Background story: He's no longer engaged to the girl next door. She broke up with him because her modeling stuff is taking her all around the US and they were focused on two different things in life. Something else about not sharing his emotions or talking enough or some such bullshit. An entire story for a different day. Anyway, a month later he started dating (AND MOVED IN WITH!!!!) this girl Sarah. Now Sarah's a nice girl and all, but I think he's rushing it a bit much. She's also very, very quiet and shy and I'm not used to having that in my family -- at least with my brother.
At any rate, our family always and forever does Christmas eve as our big shindig. My uncles and cousins come over, and so does the neighbors and my surrogate grandma etc etc. It's a huge deal and a lot of fun.

The point: Brandon was working late, and because he's the department manager he has to do all the bullshit when employees don't show and stuff. So, he got off work at 6pm on Christmas eve. He told my mom he'd be there around 6:30 or so. 6:30, 7:00, 7:30...nearly 8 before he shows up. He got off work at 6. He went to his 'house' to pick up Sarah and then get changed and all this other stuff. Whatever. Then, as we're opening presents, he and Sarah open theirs in a rush -- don't even say thank you -- and then fucking leave! THEY FUCKING LEFT after an hour. And didn't even say thank you?!? Come on!

J. overheard Brandon say "If I lived in another state I wouldn't have to put up with this shit." I pouted like a good little girl and didn't even say goodbye to him when he left. That's the best I can do with him because he's got this way of making you instantly unmad. He just picks you up and shakes you and makes you laugh and that makes me more angry so I just had to pout to get my point across.

So at this point, I'm pissed because he's dumping family and acting rude only to go to this Sarah bitch's house (a girl he moved in with and has only been dating for 4 fucking months!!!) and doesn't know if he's coming back to spend the night at my parents. Whatever. We always spend the night at my parents house Christmas eve so we can all open presents together on Christmas morning. And he doesn't know if he's coming back because he's got shit to do with Sarah's family. What the fuck ever. Plus, he doesn't even want to be bothered with the entire thing anyway. So I did what any lousy sister would do -- I told my mom.
ha.

He wound up coming back home around 2am and you can be sure as hell I woke their asses up at 7:30 to open presents. He did the whole pick me up and shake me and make me laugh bit before I left in the morning and now I'm no longer mad. I just hate it when he makes poor decisions.

Yesterday I developed some sort of food poisoning slash stomach flu and was ready to comitt seppuku due to the intense pain of it all. I'm much better now but this sickness has traveled to my chest and I'm coughing a lot. I can't ever win. I even take all of my vitamins every day too.

My Uncle is still in the hospital and still sedated. 8 weeks sedated going on 9. They're going to trach him...actually, they did it yesterday. This way, they can start to try to rouse him and not have it affect his breathing or his heart.
He's had a lot of complications along the way and we almost lost him -- and he's still not out of the water.
Can you imagine missing Thanksgiving, your birthday and Christmas (and potentially New Years Eve) because you were in the hospital, sedated. He had no idea it was going to be like this. Jeeze.

That's enough random for me today. I wonder how crazy I'm going to be today because I woke up every hour last night, nearly exactly to the hour. I think the longest I slept in a row was 3 hours. *sigh*

posted at 12:05 PM

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December 26, 2002

WEE! I love christmas. I always get spoiled and I love to be spoiled. It's the one day in the year that I totally act on my prima donna diva-esque instincts and just wave my hand and say "kiss my ring, peasants."
No, not really...but I get all giddy and happy and clap at every present I open.

I got a lot of fun stuff from my amazon wishlist
...
gift cards, morrissey box set part the two, clothes, my so called life dvd box set...and so much other stuff I want to clap about.

I'm so fortunate that I have two sets of parents who spoil me heartily.
One day of the year I'm not afraid to be materialistic.

Now bring on the guilt!

Also, I found out the best news today that I'm not going to reveal until I get the okay...but it involves my best friend amy and I am so excited for her that I am crying with glee.
What a happy day.

My thoughts are also with those people I love that I no longer talk to ...you know who you are...sloth and duncan the shammy....i hope you got everything you want and deserve...

anyway.
Share the love, what'd you get?
posted at 1:39 PM

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December 23, 2002

Tis the season and all that....I'm so excited I could pee. I love christmas...I love being spoiled. I love watching my cousins open their presents. I love spending the night at my parents house. I love spending time with my family. I cant wait. I can't wait.

I dislike: having to share my family time with the "other" familiy. Not that I don't care for them. I just hate sharing. I'm a selfish brat that way.

I made my first gingerbread house today and meanwhile, heard horrible things come from my dad's mouth that it pains me to repeat, but for the sake of you all, I will.
My mom was trying to pinch my dad's belly...and as the running joke in my family goes...I say "Hey, leave dad alone, you can't pinch steel."
Then, my mom, with a mischevious look, says "Oh but I can grab other things ..."
My dad says "oh it's all steel...it's like a railroad spike .."
I don't know where else the conversation went because I proceeded to beat my head on the counter while simultaniously shoving forks in my eyes and my ears.
My mom was laughing so hard she was doubled over...

I was just crying.

Stupid, lousy jerks.

But it was hella fun...Until...my mom added a special little treat (part of a candycane) on one of the gingerbread men and said "Ha ha ha look it's your dad!!"

I screamed and ran out of the room. Damnit lousy jerks times two.
I kid, it was still fun.
posted at 11:39 PM

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December 20, 2002

I took one of them fancy, newfangled quizzes all the teenagers are so fond of these days.

It asked "What box do you get put in" and I thought that'd be funny to see...what am I? A goth? A freak? A prep? ...especially in light of my december 14th post about music.
Well, this is my test result.

You have no box -- you don't really fit into any of the categories that people issue. Preps call you "geeky," Freaks call you "wussy," Gangsters think you're uptight, Goths think you're a nice person but a little out of it, and Loners want to kill you but not for any particular reason, and they'd probably like you if they weren't being guided by the violent voices in their heads. Geeks generally like you. You don't really feel a desire to "fit in," but you don't really feel the need to make a big deal about it, either. You might like classical music.

How fitting.
I laughed for quite some time...I'm nothing :) Well, what do you know.
posted at 12:33 PM

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December 19, 2002

There's a bird outside of the bedroom window and he has suddenly, and inexplicably, fallen in love with his reflection. This means, starting as soon as the sun comes up, he taps his little beak on the window, jotting out a little morse code to his reflection-lover.
He has vowed to keep up this rapping until the object of his affection replies.
Which of course means that it keeps me awake.
Red eyed and bleary awake.
Crying at 6am awake.
I have nightmares about Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"
Then I begin to wonder, in my sleep deprived state, is the bird trying to tell ME something? Is he warning me of some impending doom? In two days time will there be a car crashing through the bedroom wall? Is carbon-monoxide seeping into my room, slowly, and he's trying to tell me? Am I going insane....?

Why won't this bird leave me alone??
posted at 12:08 PM

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December 17, 2002

Traci Lords is so beautiful that it makes me want to cry.

If she were a president, she'd be baberaham lincoln. In French, she'd be known as Le Renard. She's magically babe-licious. In Latin she would be called "babia majora".

And I have an addendum to my previous post. If I could dress up like Pat Benatar every day, I would...and she's not heavy metal. In fact, contrary to popular belief, I do not dress like a burnout..Though I still am waiting for my black leather motorcycle jacket with a blue jean cutoff jacket over top if it like my mom promised me I could have when I turned 16. I'm still plain.

But traci, oh no, she's not plain at all. She's wonderful.
posted at 12:52 AM

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December 14, 2002

I've experienced an epiphany about my true self. I've come to terms with what I am. It's awesome to say that I've finally embraced my true subculture and all that goes with it. I'm not embarassed. I'm not ashamed. I am an outsider who remains true to her heavy metal roots.

Throughout my life, I've always been slightly askew from my peers. My friends, all goths, punks or indie folk, have never really reflected my true nature. I likened myself to the niece Marilyn from the Munsters...a freak amongst freaks. I wanted to be Siouxsie Sioux slash Pat Benatar cum Joan Jett ala Wendy O WIlliams. I wanted to wear the clothes, I wanted to give off the airs of a emotionally fragile goth. I wanted to kick ass like the punks. I wanted to wear Independent clothes and skate a McTwist. I wanted to drop names of bands that no one has ever heard of while writing witty stories in my handmade journal. But it always seemed like so much work. Instead, I opted for Far Side t-shirts and black jeans.

Sure, I wanted to want to spend my nights at the skatepark with the rest of the punks and skaters but instead I waited for Saturday night so I could watch Headbangers Ball. The rest of my friends attended their writers groups, the Capitol in Flint. I locked myself in my room with Metallica posters, Testament on the radio. Lousy poetry about angst in my notebooks.

Back at school, I was the same old person, hanging out with groups of people who didn't associate with the other groups of people. How could I tell my goth friends that I listened to Bob Mould or whatever else was on 120 minutes that week? How could I tell my punk friends (who were really quick to judge anyway...and bastards at that) that I liked Morrissey? I didn't know what to tell my indie friends cos they all knew more than me....and damn, no one listened to Anthrax. No one listened to Queensryche or Slayer. What about Death Angel? Flotsam and Jestam (which featured unknown Jason Newstead before he took Cliff Burton's place in Metallica)? No one I knew listened to this stuff. Oh sure, everyone heard Metallica ...but no one listened. Still, a freak amongst freaks.

The "burnouts" who did listen to this stuff were way too intense for me. I'm still a goody goody deep inside and wasn't into the whole drug thing at 14..sex whatever the burnouts did at that time. I did manage to date an older guy, Bob, when I was 14. My best friend dated his best friend and we all used to sneak out together. They were 16 and had a car. One of my parents would drop us off at the movies, Bob and Kevin would meet us there and off we'd go for two hours...getting into whatever trouble was appropriate at the time. I got drunk for the first time in the back of one of their cars...on a two litre of wine cooler...while trying to learn how to play "5 card stud". Yeah! We stood outside of the local liquor store - Wine Captains - and waited for buyers. We drove around and pretended to be bad ass. Later on that night, Bob would call me on the phone and play guitar while I listened. Ozzy songs, over and over again. "wait, lemme start over" "oops, hang on"
That lasted a couple of months until Bob got sick of me not putting out and he dumped me for a sixth grader who would. She got pregnant with his kid not too much later...and then wound up having her cousin from the wrong side of the tracks beat my ass severely in the middle of school, for getting too close to Bob's locker.
Whatever. Bygones.

I didn't want to be a burnout. I didn't want to be what they were. They did bad in school. They smoked behind the school. They never went to school. They did dugs and had sex with everything. I just wanted to do good in school, do whatever and still listen to ass kicking music about satan and blood and whatever they sang about those days. But that's what I was by default for listening to 'their' music. I fought it so much that eventually in high school I just left my beloved music by the wayside and listened solely to the Doors and the Beatles (and Morrissey, I'll never abandon him). I dressed so plainly that I can't tell you what made me stand out from anyone else. I was a typical drama kid. I wore converse all stars. I had a "tail" in my hair that was braided with embroidery thread. I had horn rimmed glasses. I wasn't spectacular. I wasn't John Justus with his dreamy tight tshirts and his black jeans and black shoes and black leather coat with the Samhain skull painted on the back. I wasn't Karl Erickson with his Information Society hair cut and black long sleeved shirts with thumbholes. I wasn't Natalie Stoner with her Stevie Nicks swirly skirts and gorgeous long hair put into unique and interesting knots and twists. I wasn't Sarah Hubbach with her mohawk and ripped jeans and fishnets. I was embarassed to be anything but plain. I was jeans. T shirts. Horn Rimmed Glasses. Plain.

But those people were so afraid, I think, to stray outside of their subculture that they wound up getting stuck. The people who listened to the Cure laughed at the people who listened to Husker Du who laughed at the people who listened to the Stone Roses who laughed at the people who listened to the Descendents who laughed at the people who...you get it.
I never laughed because I listened to it all...but mostly, I remained true to metal. Deep down inside I always wanted to look like Lita Ford or the girls from Vixen. I wanted skin tight leather pants, lace gloves, a glittery bustier, ankle boots with heels and hair three feet tall all around my head. I wanted to have so much black eyeliner around my eyes that they turned into beady blue marbles staring out of a sea of black. I wanted to head bang and kick ass in the mosh pit. But I never did because that wasn't cool to any of my subculture friends.
It wasn't cool to anyone.

I'm tired of it not being cool. Damnit. I am returning to my roots. This does not mean I am going to start dressing like a cheap glammed up floozy but I'm not going to deny that one of my favorite bands is Anthrax and I've seen them in concert 4 times. I'm not going to deny that I still know all the words to Great White's songs and that I held a brithday party for the lead singer of Def Leppard when I was 13. I held a banner that wished the bass player of Cinderlla a Happy Birthday. I can tell you things you don't want to know about bands like Sepultura and Napalm Death. I can tell you the differences between S.O.D and M.O.D and what their acronyms stand for. I am tired of hiding. I'm tired of trying to convince people that I was 'down' with the goths/punks/indie/skater/whatever else there was...

I'm finally happy to be part of the heavy metal subculture. I raise my fists and proudly extend my pinkie, first finger and thumb because ...I'm just that cool.

posted at 12:35 AM

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December 10, 2002

So today was the day of my big math placement test.
I have been studying for ....a couple of months...give or take 4 years.

I was so nervous that I was sick to my stomach. I had an (I think) self-induced allergy attack on the way to school. I stalled, I stammered, I waited 10 minutes for a parking spot to open in a lot that I really didn't have to park in.

Needless to say, I passed.

Of course, everything on the test was the "easy" stuff...compared to the really hard quadradical polynomial shit I was studying.
27 questions or something and I did fine.

Thank god because now I'm going to graduate. 4 years later, but I've got it beeeyotches.And then on to grad school!!

Also, if you have sent me email in the past little while please resend it to me because my hard drive crashed and I lost everything...much appreciated. The link is up there, you see....
posted at 12:48 AM

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December 04, 2002

I swear to god if I have to suffer through another Herbal Essence shampoo commercial I'm going to start killing people.

Who the hell thinks this is good marketing?? WHAT THE FUCK!? All it makes me want to do is go to the grocery store and pour out the shampoo on the floor so no one can every buy that shitty assed product again. Ever.
posted at 11:09 PM

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