January 27, 2004

I think I have discovered my most quoted Simpsons line of all time:

Agh, my eyes! Ze Goggles...Zey do nofing!

or perhaps the second most quoted Simpsons line of all time:

Don't have a cow, man.

no, not really.

I've been pretty irritatated lately. With every little thing. I try to attribute it to stress but I think I'm really at my breaking point. I keep putting it off but I don't know if that's really possible. Can you put off a breaking point?

A nervous breakdown wasn't called "nervous breakdown" until the 60s. I think it was fashionable to come up with far-out sounding psychological names for conditions that already had perfectly fine names. Also, I find it was during this time that naming your problems was the fad...and cults were cool.

"Oh hey, man, I'm totally bummed..."
"Oh no, man, you must have manic depression!"
"dude, that's a song..."
"like far out!"
"lets get high"
"alright, then lets go hang out with my friend charlie. he's like a prophet, man. you'll totally dig it"
"right on"

That's how the 60s were. Dont' let your parents or the history books fool you. It's a god damned conspiracy.

I think I'm losing my mind.
posted at 10:18 PM

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January 25, 2004

Peter Jackson just won the golden globe for best director and I cried.

I cried because here is this man who has been a film director for years. His first feature film was in 1987. He's a writer, an editor, and an accomplished special effects creator. He's worked hard doing a job he loves and he's getting honors for it.

I'm emotional lately because I'm so overwhelmed at work. Overwhelmed. Scared to death overwhelmed.
I am so over my head in writing that it's to the point where I'm shutting down.

I just want to do a job like Peter Jackson...do a job I love that i don't wind up hating.
I'm not working in film because of the people I encountered all the time, every day on the job.
I'm starting to hate writing because of the pressure to write the same god damn thing every day but make it an entirely different entity.

I just want a job I moderately like, one I don't have to take home every night, and gives me enough money to support myself and my future.

Don't mind me, I'm just having a minor work-related breakdown.
posted at 10:14 PM

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January 23, 2004

OH holy shit I can't stop it, the laughter is killing me.
Call 911.

http://www.venisproductions.com/movies/heyyacb.html

No seriously, I think something's ruptured.
posted at 8:19 PM

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January 22, 2004

I have to stop reading/watching so many sci-fi movies.

As you may or may not have heard, NASA has lost communications with their Mars rover, Spirit . It's been more than 24 hours now, aside from one or two beeps when Spirit was attempting to communicate with Earth.

All I keep thinking of is: Poor Spirit. He's up there all alone, helpless on a dead (?) planet without the ability to communicate with anything. He was up there to do a job for the good of mankind and now we're unable to reach him. It's a very real Major Tom story, floating helpless in cold space. He's worked hard so far, snapping thousands of pictures of Mars but now he's alone. Scared. Trying to send us messages but we are unable to reach him.

We'll get you Spirit. You'll soon be joined by your brother, Opportunity, and you won't be alone any more.

(Speaking of opportunity, I'd like to take this one to mention that the proper gramatical use when describing a passage of time is "more than". In fact, it's used for many things but unfortunately, hardly ever used. Everyone uses 'over'. This is so wrong. SO wrong. Over refers to "moving OVER" something. Jack jumped OVER the candle stick.
Not 'over 40 years ago' 'renown for over 39 years in the industry' 'they haven't heard from spirit in over 24 hours.' all wrong.
please use "More than" from now on...unless you are physically moving OVER something. Think this: More than is for countable things. Over is for spatial relationships.
However, if you're referring to age, it's okay to use over. "She is over 40".)
posted at 5:06 PM

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January 20, 2004

This is what's wrong with our motherfucking country. Not the president, not the war...the god damned people.

If you're not in the know, here's a quick breakdown. Moveon.org sponsored an ad contest for people to create a 30 second spot to highlight why we should get rid of G.W. Bush. Well, there was an ad that compared Bush to Hitler and it caused much outrage. Angry name calling ensued. Flash forward to the awards ceremony where Margaret Cho (one of the judges) said a few things about how things are crazy around here and what not, things about Bush, etc.

Now she recieves hate mail from these fundamental "good honest christians" who tell her that they hope she gets breast cancer and dies. They hope she gets murdered. Good Honest Christian stuff like that.
A common theme is to attack her weight. (What the fuck is that, anyway?) I think nearly every email says something about being fat.

They talk about how great the USA is, which it is, but god damn, the thing that makes it so great is our fucking freedoms.
Don't like it, turn a blind eye. Isn't that what "good moral christians" do?

Here's a good example of their thinking:
People like yourself don't even deserve the gift of lfe because you don't know how to handle it. I think there should be an addendum on that sentance to read "...the way I want you to".

Another interesting point: They bash her for saying what she believes in, then tell her to move to China where she can't say what she wants without getting her tongue cut out. I do not see the logic in this. It makes absolutely no sense. Be happy that she can say what she wants to say...because that freedom entitles you to say what you hate about her.

Oh I swear to god, it just makes me sick.

posted at 5:40 PM

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January 19, 2004

As you may know, I have four cats in my house. Four loving, wonderful, wiley, goofy, silly cats. I love my cats. I am totally a < air quotes > cat person < /air quotes >.

Why I thought it would be a good idea to upset the delicate feline balance in my home, I don't know. But I did.

The usurper is a beautiful dingo dog henceforth named Parker. She's sweet, doesn't bark and is goofy. She apparently has trained herself to let us know when she has to go outside and to 'sit'.
She loves to bury things, even if it means covering her bone with some lint and a lamp cord.

1/4 of the cats like her.
1/4 tries to dominate her (of course it's the littlest guy.)
1/4 prefers to have nothing to do with her, hisses sometimes but overall is okay.
1/4 is pissed off as all fuck and hates her and turns into a big screaming mass of fur and fluff and nails that accidently claw me about the face, head, neck and chest.

Of course that last 1/4 is my most beloved cat of all, the main guy, the leader of the pack, Phil.

Thankfully he's not blaming us for bringing Parker into the house. He still loves us and sleeps with me all night but he will not absolutely not not not get near her more than 10 feet without turning into hissy pissy fluff nails.

I hope this ends soon. I hate to see my kitty babies mad.

But parker is just so cute
posted at 12:59 PM

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January 15, 2004

As I get older, I find that I'm less concerned with other people and more concerned with myself.

I haven't ever been one to make a scene in public. Unlike most teenagers jumping around and shouting and generally calling all sorts of attention to themselves, I was content to sit in the background and seethe.

I was always worried that everyone would be talking about me or making fun of me or something about me that I just figured if I blended quietly into the background no one could say anything about me at all.

However, now, because I'm more concerned about what I think about myself, rather than what everyone else is thinking, I just tend to do whatever the hell I want. If I'm loud, so be it. If I'm dressed poorly, oops, oh well.
Don't get this confused with independence because I've always done what I've wanted to do, it's just a little bit more for myself. I don't know quite how to explain it. I guess I just don't have a little angry voice in the back of my head telling me "they're all going to laugh at you."

Well, that's a lie. I have the voice, I just don't listen to it much any more.

And this new found freedom from fear of public scrutiny has lead me to reevaluate my dealings in my personal life as well. Love and friendships.
Sometimes I worry about being too selfish. As a result, instead of trying to be "too bossy, too selfish" as I heard so often growing up, I become the humble and seemingly altruistic person that everyone thinks is "just so sweet."
Instead of feeling wonderful and like the hills are alive with the sound of fucking music, I start feeling a little hollow.

I start to wonder why no one is ever concerned for me? Why do my wants and needs always get pushed behind the needs of everything and everyone? Is am I feeling this way because I tend to say "oh no, it's okay, you go right ahead..." but really I want to say "fuck no, this is mine!" My famous line is "no, it's okay."
Why do I do that? It's so stupid.

I've often wondered if I had the "freedom" what would I do with it? And I consistenly come back to the same things that get me into the predicament that I'm in now.

Is it possible to change who you are, fundamentally? Am I doomed to be constantly "nice" but always feeling taken advantage of? Thinking everyone is laughing at me when really I'm not even being noticed?
Why am I like this even when I know how rediculous it is?

Here's me with the michelin man. I put it up here for two reasons. I don't care if it's a bad weird picture of me. It makes me laugh so I want to share it.
2) I'm embracing my inner Michelin Man. I'm sure we've alll heard now how my "best friend" in high school used to call me the Michelin Man (cos she thought I was built like him..unlike her who was 5'10 and 130 pounds) Fuck you Chantal. I love the Michelin Man and he loves me.

posted at 2:47 PM

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January 09, 2004

It has occured to me that ever since I have been keeping this...record of stuff, that I haven't ever once gotten 'political'.
I have a lot of opinons, I just never talk about them. But that's all about to change. I have to get it out of my system. It's just me bitchin.

So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the year 2004 and let the alienation begin.


Scott Peterson. What ever happened to INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY fucking media bastards. Nothing I've read has made me believe he did it. I totally thought he did it at first. OH yeah, I was banging my heavy fist shouting. But the more I read, the more I don't know. I am not convinced. I just hope to god he gets a fair trial and whatever the outcome is proven beyond a reasonable doubt.

Motherfucking George Bush will you take a look at China you bastard? WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRUCTION POINTED AT TAIWAN. Come on. They're just waiting to do something crazy.
And while you're at it, I still don't trust those North Korean bastards. Just because you don't hear about it in the news doesn't mean all those terrible things aren't going on. They're flying under the radar on this one.

Thank god those little girls got home safe. Their father should be hurt, badly. I can not think of a punishment severe enough to inflict upon this man who could strangle his ten month old baby in cold blood.

And seriously, what is with all of these jobs going over seas. Okay. On paper it says they can pay engineers 1/4 of what they pay engineers here. YOu can hire twice the work force for hundreds of millions less. Great.
That does not help the situation here. You offer services to these people, these american workers...buy our stuff spend your money etc. but how are these people supposed to spend money to buy your goods when you KEEP GETTING RID OF THEIR JOBS! I swear to god, almost nothing pisses me off more than this. I hate this big business practice and it's getting out of hand.

And. And. And. George Bush offering free green cards to illegal immigrants who have jobs. Maybe I have that fact twisted al ittle bit, but whatever. House majority leader Tom DeLay says it best : "Those that seek the American dream must follow American laws," DeLay said. "I applaud the president for addressing this difficult and complex issue but have heartfelt reservations about allowing illegal immigrants into a U.S. guest worker program that seems to reward illegal behavior."
Ugh. ANd the "no child left behind " crap. Sure, no rich child left behind.
Did you read he took away paid lunches and stuff for children who really need the paid lunches? Did you hear that he took away funding to a lot of city schools who are already hurting for money?

I guess most of my bitching comes from Bush in general, that motherfucker.

Do not buy Iams cat or dog food as they treat their animals dispicably. Force feeding dogs through tubes in their throats. One cat was killed by a ledge and left in his cage for days to rot. Great thanks, fuck you Iams.

Michael Jackson. Come on buddy, no one believes a word out of your crazy white mouth. You were waving to cameras and your "fans" when you left the police station. Now you claim that arm was dislocated and you are now in constant pain because of it? You are a crazy man, Michael Jackson. I used to love you when you were all Thriller, chiller but now you're scary for all the wrong reasons.

Dear Media fuckheads part 2: Read the Bill of Rights. Kobe Bryant may have cheated on his wife, sure, but did he rape that girl? You don't know any better than I do. The only people who know for sure are Kobe and this girl. Let her prove that he did it in court.

I'm not saying the court system always works. Look at that killer bastard OJ. But ...I don't know. I'm right, you're wrong.

Anyway. On another note: did you know ex-governor and boa wearing wrestler Jesse Ventura was a Navy:SEAL in Vietnam? What an awesome guy.
Not as cool as Chuck Norris but damn close.
CHUCK NORRIS IS COOL SHUT UP.

I think that's enough bitching about the news today.
posted at 10:28 PM

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January 02, 2004

The book I'm writing in my head has been weighing very heavily on me as of late. Very heavily. I think about it constantly. But I'm too afraid to sit down and actually write it. Because if I don't ever start it, I won't ever fail at it.

What a stupid way to live.

So instead, I make up imaginary interviews in my head.

"Where did you get your wild and crazy ideas?"

I laugh a short ha ha ha, thinking "oh that's what they all ask, that's what they all want to know!"

I'm influenced by the strangeness of it all

"of what all?"

of everything. Did you know that people really, honest to god, race lawnmowers for trophies? Did you know that there are more cults in the US than most people think? Did you know there's a huge sexual, drunken debauchery that goes on behind the scenes at the renaissance festival? There's so much more to everything .. and it's okay.

I imagine what the photoshoot for my bookjacket photo would be like. I would want David Armstrong to shoot it.
I want to wear a historical costume.
Or maybe look like one of those women on the cover of a harlequin romance novel.

It's so funny how I don't consider myself a writer yet that's all I do.

posted at 11:24 AM

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