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February 25, 2004
Last night I was in a house. Someone injected someone else with drugs; a coctail of a bunch of things, most of which was Ketamine. It caused them to get the fast head spins like in that movie Jacob's ladder. My cat Phil was there and he was lost in the walls. He got in through a small door. They were going to kill me with an axe while their heads blurred. When they opened their mouths, it was too wide. Stretched open like clay. Impossible and long. No words came out but the mass chirping of birds and screeches. Sometimes a barely audible whisper - sspspspshrpsps. The house started to deteriorate around me, fast motion. Wallpaper ripped and yellowed. Carpet molded and went threadbare. Piles of garbage appeared before my eyes. They ate pills and chewed them like certs. It crunched so loud it rattled my glasses. I sat frozen, lounging back, looking relaxed. My eyes darted back and forth in fear. I couldn't move. They came at me with an axe and drugs. I could move! I ran out into the middle of a parade celebrating Italy and the love of Pizza. The floats were made of pizza fixings. I stopped just before I was run over. A man screamed at me in Italian and shook a large knife in my face.
I forgot Phil. They were going to kill him and inject him with drugs.
I ran back into the house and went to the door. I screamed for him to come here. He stared at me. I called again. Their heads stopped moving in a blur but now body parts were. Hand a blur. Leg a blur. Hair - blur. Phil just coughed. He coughed and coughed like a human. His paw was curled up in a little fist near his mouth. Caff-caff. I reached into the door and stretched as far as I could. I took his foot and dragged him to me. He clung to my shoulder and it hurt. I bled through my shirt.
They came at me and I took one in a police hold -- arm behind his back, wrist bent, thumb pressed.
Leave me the fuck alone.
I threw him on the ground. I chopped his arms off with the axe. Blood hit my face. It was hot and smelled of wet dog. Phil still clung to me like a baby.
The other one continued to eat pills. Staring. Eyes vacant and pupils as big as pennies.
I cut him in the stomach.
The house kept changing.
posted at 11:52 AM
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February 24, 2004
It's funny how fast depression hits me.
I was fine and now I'm not. Not anywhere close.
It physically hurts when I get depressed now. My jaw swells up, my neck tightens, my eyes feel like someone's thumbs are pushing them in, it's all I can do to just stand.
I can't exactly go to someone for it because it's a random attack of depression. I never know when it's going to hit me. I was completely fine earlier today, jovial even. Now I am not.
How do I take medication for something that doesn't happen frequently, but when it does it's bad?
I hate this feeling so much because it's so debilitating. I can look at this entire situation logically which makes the whole thing feel even worse. I know I'm being overdramatic. I know I should just "stop" but I can't just stop.I can't physically help myself.
No one knows where I've been in my life. I keep it locked up tight inside me so no one can judge, so no one can look at me differently, so no one can make assumptions.
No one knows how hard it's been. yeah so someone somewhere has it harder. THat doesn't make what I've been through any easier. It's hard. I carry it around and it eats me like a fungus, slowly painfully.
Times like this I want to die.
posted at 7:25 PM
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February 23, 2004
Some things to remind me to talk about:
What the fuck is Ralph Nader thinking? (!!!!!)
Haiti - our troops are going where?
The new Dawn of the Dead movie - Scary or even more scary, discuss.
The old victorian funeral home that's for sale in Pontiac - Should I consider buying it or would I rather die 1,000 times over again?
I mean, really, what the hell is Ralph Nader doing -- again -- besides screwing the Democratic party's chance to get Bush out of office?
Why the hell would someone paint the Joe Louis fist statue white?
Best thing overheard at the Pistons game last night : "It's Bobblehead day not Bobblehands! COME ON!"
(after Chauncy Billiups lost the ball in the last 5 seconds causing the Pistons to lose the game)
Yeah. Remind me to talk about that stuff.
posted at 12:49 PM
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My boss is away for a week on a cruise. He didn't take his cell phone which means he can't call to ask a couple of questions about projects or the status of things.
I wore jeans today in celebration. Look at me go all out.
I have to constantly remind myself that though the boss is away, this mice can NOT play. I have too much to do. I can not Fuck myself on this one.
So why is it all I can think about doing is working on my new design layout blah blah. I got a new computer complete with fancy schmancy programs so I can spend time working on graphics if I so choose.
BUT NO. I can't. I can't let myself think this way because I have entirely too much to do, really, seriously.
Seriously.
So to keep me motivated, I have the new Probot album playing. It's keeping me in the kick ass and take names mood, considering I only got 6 hours of sleep last night and this is simply not enough. I'm all sleepy and yawny and distracted and oooh look I can play in Corel Draw OR Photoshop..agh. no.
I simply musn't.
(review following)
The album itself is pretty good. I knew this was a Dave Grohl project which immediately intrigued me, but I didn't know to what extent. I assumed that he was just in a new, side-project band called Probot that played old school metal. Turns out it's Dave Grohl collaborating with a bunch of metal "stars" like Lemmy, King Diamond, Max Cavalera and more. It's not bad. I thought Dave was going to be singing so I'm a little disappointed with that, but overall I don't mind. The best song is the collaboration with Kurt Brecht from D.R.I. But I'm probably biased because I love them so much. The Max Cavalera (Sepultura/Soulfly) song is okay, which suprises me considering the range and the ability of Max and his past work in Sepultura. The Lemmy song sounds just like a Motorhead song. Couldn't be less Motorhead-esque if it tried. I like the Lee Dorrian (Napalm Death) song because it sounds all slow, heavy and a bit more death/gloom metal without the growling voice. It's nice, similar to a slow Type O song.
Overall, the cd appeals to me and my hard rocking core. I really miss old school metal type stuff. The nu-metal crap sounds like crap for crap. I can't even explain it. There's not one band that really captures the feeling of good old metal. (Oh, except for Iced earth but they've been rockin out since I think like 89)
(end review)
In other news, my car has been a source of grief in my life. The check engine light comes on after probably 30 minutes of driving. Earlier last week, after starting it, it was chugging like it was going to stall, the acceleration would not work it'd just sort of puttputt along then it'd kick in and go -- or stall. It wasn't predictable when it would, it just would. So now I'm terrified that I'm going to be driving home on 696 and then blammo there it goes and stalls and I'm not going to be able to get off the expressway cos I was stuck in traffic and not moving so I didn't have any momentum to take me off the road. What do I do then? Freak out.
I've already had so many problems with this car, I hate it so much. This was the car that two years ago used to CONSTANTLY overheat, I had to pull over like 10 times on the ride home from work just to let it cool down. It blew up on me 3 times, shooting antifreeze all over and smoking like crazy.
Oh and also, on the way home from school one day, the strut decided to just rip the shit out of the housing unit and the wheel well and work its way up into the trunk, creating a sizeable hole in the trunk area directly above the wheel -- so that the shock/strut was living up inside the trunk instead of where it supposed to be.
yeah. So we had to weld the top of the strut/shock to this metal plate then bolt and seal the metal plate to the frame of the car in the trunk.
I HATE THIS CAR.
But, you have to work with what you got, really. Maybe in a few months I'll be able to afford something else. Maybe.
I hate this car. So. Much.
Ok. I have to work.
Right.
work.
posted at 9:51 AM
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February 18, 2004
So after worrying about that whole "get a life" thing, I left a message for the person who really is the only reason I go to that board. He had nothing to do with the original post and he didn't say anything negative...but of course, the more I got thinking about things the more I started to worry that I was the one who really came off like an idiot.
Maybe my excitedness and sillyness doesn't transfer well through text.
So, I left him a message asking him if he had a problem with it and to let me know, please.
I assured him there's more to me than Star Trek and that honestly, I really am cool. i have diverse tastes that are all cool (Why do I have to justify myself? I hate that about me, really I hate it.)
anyway.
After I hit send on the message -- I look down at the CDs I just bought:
Helloween - Keeper of the 7 keys pt. 1
Iced Earth - The Glorious Burden
Tenacious D - Tenacious D
Oh my god. I am a idiot. I am not cool at all.
That's right, I'm an uncool, progressive metal idiot who ROCKS HARD INTO THE NIGHT! YEAH!
posted at 9:42 PM
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Ok, of course I can't leave Lost in Translation alone. I mentioned it and didn't talk about it like I want to. This may contain potential spoilers, but I will try to keep it as vague as possible.
The movie is slow placed and this is a point of contention for many of its critics. Too slow, doesn't say anything, ripped off story or whatever. I didn't see it as a problem. It felt real. That's what's missing from so many movies lately, the reality factor -- the fact that I can relate to what's happening in these peoples lives, whether it's lonliness, happiness or sexuality.
The pace sets the tone for the movie. Without a slow pace, the feelings of sadness, lonliness and emptiness wouldn't have made sense. So, then, when it does pick up (with the karaoke scene, running from the DJ scene) you really notice a change in the mood, the change in the way the characters are begining to feel. you feel it too. You experience it as they feel it and that's what I love about this movie.
The movie opens with the best shot I've ever seen in my life. A simple medium close up shot of Charlotte's ass, legs and lower back. She's wearing these pink, see through underware so you see her ass completely but yet it's totally covered in cloth. It's a metaphor for Charlotte herself -- her feelings are out there to be seen and explored and she wears them thinly disguised thinking she's stronger than she is or has to be.
I love the fact that she is able to find happiness and excitement in this friendship with Bill Murray, something to help ease the lonliness of her marriage. Yet, I also hate this fact. I hate the fact that she's in this "thing" with Bill. Sometimes, these relationships where you develop a strong connection of friendship, camaraderie and adoration without sex, are a lot worse than if you just fucked some random guy on the street. Sometimes it's easier to fall in love through the fun things you do and the emotional bond you build rather than the sexual bond you share.
This very fact alone makes me dislike Charlotte. She obviously is lonely and feels unhappy in her marriage, so she turns to Bill Murray for friendship cos her husband is too busy with work.
I feel bad for her husband. he loves her the best he can. He's not cheating on her. He's working. He's working so they can afford to stay in a (probably) 500 dollar a night hotel in Japan and so she can "figure out" what she wants to do with her life.
There's a scene that's so emotionally draining and I can't for the life of me figure out why.
She's on the phone with her mom (?), crying away and she says "He's using hair products now and I don't even know who I married!" Her mom says something and she quickly changes the subject to talk about the temple she went to and some flower arranging class she attended. It's so horrible. I feel terrible for her. It must be so hard to be in that position.
BUT here I come back to my anger: does that give her the right, then, to emotionally cheat on her husband when essentially he has no idea that she's so sad.
Not once during the movie did she express her hatred for the way things were working out or did she mention that she was lonely, sad, etc.
She suffers in silence and it's hard to feel bad for that.
HOWEVER
I know how it is. With this new "relationship" begining, she's starting to see what's wrong with her relationship. "Does it ever get easier?" she asks Bill Murray. He never really answers. He's having a hard time with his own marriage.
Reflected in the exchange when Bill, calling home to talk to his wife, mentions he wants to get healthier and eat better.
"How?" you hear his wife ask.
"I don't know, by eating like the Japanese eat"
"Well, if you want to eat like the Japanese, you can just stay there and eat."
Harsh words in a probably harsh relationship. It doesn't get easier, it just gets "different."
The movie begs the question "Are you happy? Right now. " you ask yourself, you look at yourself...are you doing what you want to make you happy? Does it get any easier? The answer is "I don't know."
It's a hard question to ask and impossible to answer.
Does that make the bitter pill of finding happiness in someone other than the person you married any easier to swallow? no.
Am I saying that you can't find genuine friendship in someone other than your spouse? No, again.
I am saying, if someone makes you happier than your spouse does, and forces you to question if it's all worth it, then it's sad and I feel bad for you(them.)
The movie's happy parts are so happy and the bittersweet parts are so tender and loving that you can't help but smile.
I know that I will never think of "More than This" by Roxy Music the same way. It was a good song made only better by a movie that is perfect in my book.
I loved this movie with my whole heart.
I loved the characters, I loved Japan (something very strange for me. I'm not a big fan at all), I loved the music, I loved it all.
Now, the ending leaves you questioning. I've tried to figure it out but I like the fact that you can't. I know my interpretation is different than yours and yours is different from theirs. It's an open ending that's closed.
It's perfect.
I love this movie.
posted at 3:27 PM
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Why I let people I don't even know get under my skin, I'll never know.
When someone, who does not even know me, tells me to get a life I should just laugh and say "okay whatever" and drop it. But I can't. Some dickhole told me to get a life, one who does not even know me nor could he even pick me out in a crowd. How does he know what I do? AND what makes him the almighty decisionmaker of life-having.
Man, it just irritates the shit out of me.
I suppose the world is full of idiots like this guy and I will never be able to escape them. My best defense is to just to tell them to fuck off and be done with it.
In other news, I managed to spend some time on Saturday watching Lost in Translation. Since then I haven't been able to get the movie out of my head. Thoughts of the movie, questions about the movie, music from the movie, everything is swirling around in my brain turning it into Bill Murray soup. I have every emotion about this movie. I hate it I love it. But, either way, it was a good movie because it has stayed with me this long.
I have nothing else to say. :(
posted at 11:54 AM
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February 08, 2004
I'm addicted to the song "Ben" by little Michael Jackson. I don't know why. I've been singing it for 3 days now and it's got me thinking.
I feel so confused about Michael Jackson. When I hear all the crazy things going on with this man called Michael Jackson, I feel bad because the Michael Jackson I know died a long time ago. Now there's this white guy with three kids who claims to be Michael Jackson.
I think I just want to see how many times I can say the word Michael Jackson.
When I went out west for two weeks last year, there was a dog at one of the campsites we christened Michael Jackson. You know why?
Because he was half black and half white.
Ah-ha-ha!
I'm going to be redesigning this soon. I've been thinking about it. I don't have time enough to write anymore. I have too many archives. I have to do something different. Not that I want to get rid of the writing. That's what the point of this place is. But, I don't know. It's boring to just have it like this. I'm sick of it.
I'm at a point in my life where I'm doing a considerable amount of changing and I think I need to reflect that feeling in my spaceontheweb. I refuse to call this a blog or a journal. I don't know why.
Journal journal journal.
(PS: I hate 99% of funk music. Included in the 1% that I enjoy is George Clinton and Stevie Wonder. That's it. The rest of ya'll can go to funk hell)
Anyway, back to the point, I will be redesigning this but who the hell knows when I'll have time.
I was supposed to work this weekend, too, but wound up sleeping all day Saturday cos I felt so worn out from this week. Then today, I had to rush like a madwoman to make up for the lack of doing anything at all on Sunday. Then, of course, by the time I'm done doing that it's 7:30 and I haven't eaten dinner. Nevermind the fact that I have a ton of shit to do.
I'm sick to my stomach and it's not even Monday yet.
THE GOOD NEWS IS:
I finished a book (Michael Crichton: Prey) in about 6 hours. It felt awesome.
I miss reading.
I'm thinking of re-reading the Dark Tower series. It's been a long time since I read them and I want to be up-to-date for the Wolves of the Calla. Nerd Nerd Nerd.
16 days until Voyager.
PEACE OUT.
posted at 10:28 PM
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February 04, 2004
Since I don't do anything but work, I have nothing to talk about but work.
First thing this morning, I got an irate, ten minute phone call from one of the builders I'm writing for bitching me out and wants to sue my ass. She ended the phone call with "fuck that".
In the meantime, I realized I'm 3 days behind my deadline for 2 brochures.
So I had a coke and a smile and looked stuff up on the internet about Star Trek Voyager.
20 days until the first season of Voyager comes out on DVD and I can not wait.
Everyone hates Voyager for one reason or another. I think it's because they can't handle the fact that a woman is a captain (who eventually becomes an Admiral). They say "Oh the story sucks, oh the plots are weak" but it always comes back to "Janeway sucks as a captain."
I say, aha! I have discovered your naughty secret: You hate women, you jerk.
I think Janeway is kick ass. She's strong, opinionated and won't take shit from anyone. She'll smack you right in the mouth if she doesn't like what you're saying. She's like The Rock but a girl.
Do you smell what Janeway is cooking?
I went to one of Detroit's "great' casinos this past weekend. MGM Grand isn't as grand as I expected. I mean when I think MGM Grand, I think of old Hollywood with flashy glitzy glamour and over the top parties. This looked like every other damn casino I've been in but ten times more crowded.
oh there were a bunch of old movie stars photos on the wall.
Detroit really knows how to make things dull and dingy, doesn't it?
Here we get 3 great casinos that could potentially add life to Downtown...and instead they're 1) located near Cass Corridor, of of the scariest places in Detroit, 2) boring and in cramped buildings that are ugly and 3) boring.
Vegas at least has things to do WITHIN the casino. I hate gambling but people I like and want to hang out with enjoy it. So, why not make something fun for people like me. Vegas has stores and movies and moving pictures and moving statues and crazy light shows in their casinos. I saw a really drunk homeless man and a transvestite in the MGM Detroit. Wee.
Though, the evening was not entirely a wash. I did win 108 dollars on a machine I still don't understand how it works. It was a slot machine called "Cleopatra" (I suggest that you DO NOT go to google and do a search for "Cleopatra Slots"...holy crap) There's 3 rows of images and you can play up to 12 lines with 10 coins per line.
It was crazyness and I had absolutely no idea what to do. My brother broke the machine two seats down from the Cleopatra, so while we were waiting for it to get fixed, I plunked in 10 dollars.
I hit two buttons and off it went, whirrling and spinning all on its own for like three minutes, racking up "bonus points" which equated to 108 dollars.
I cashed out and didn't play another thing all night.
Oh I played Video Poker for another 10 dollars and played for like 15 minutes. That's fine. I won a lot then lost it all. I got greedy. So overall, I came in with 20 dollars and left with 108 showing a profit of 88 dollars.
Not bad.
I still hate casinos.
I think I have calmed down enough to start working today. There's nothing like a phone call full of horrible words and ends with "fuck that" to make your day start bad.
(I found the end song for a project that I've been working on in my head for years. Our Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley plays. It ties it all together. It felt so right I got goosebumps. I love this project but no one else does. I think I'll write it anyway and fuck all ya'll naysayers. I'll post the soundtrack later)
posted at 9:59 AM
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