Food for Nukes.
Welcome to the food for nukes symposium. I am Dwayne Wayne and I'll be your host. Here we gather North Korean and South East Asian leaders for a conference. Discussed today is what we shall return if they so choose to give up some of their long range weapons.
With us today is the head of the American ASPCA, Tim Worford. Welcome Tim. And what message are you bringing across today?
"Well, I want to start by saying I am happy to be here. That being able to express the views of my department in this forum is a great honor."
Thats awfully kind of you Tim. We are but a small affiliate of a larger network, and don't have that many listeners.
"Still, that you asked me here, and are willing to let this section of America decide for themselves whats right and wrong without the media subverting the message is so refreshing."
Well, we're glad we could be here Tim. Glad we can do open forums. So, let's kick this off right away. You say Tim, that you have found a way to feed millions of people in the Mideast, China, Korea, and Asian nations. One that has been until now overlooked. Well I for one am dying to hear, and wondering if I should have my stock broker on the phone. What do you have for us Tim?
"Well. Wayne. I can call you Wayne yes?"
Sure Tim. Wayne it is.
"Well, Wayne, what we at the ASPCA have come up with is an idea. A wasted resource so to speak. Americans you know are finicky eaters."
Yes I've heard that somewhere. Peculiar taste and all.
"Yes, right. What we are proposing is eating America's leftovers. The extra animals and pets Americans just doesn't want."
Let me understand you Tim. You are saying we should eat pets?
"No Wayne that's not what I'm saying at all. What I am saying is we should freeze pets we put down."
Freeze pets? And it's Dwayne Tim.
"Yes, exactly. We should freeze them, and bulk ship them to countries that find nothing wrong with eating what we in America consider pets. That it is a surplus we have that has as yet been unexploited and soon we could see franchises pop up over seas carrying our product."
Pets Tim? Your saying we are going to ship dogs and cats over seas for Asians to eat?
"Well sure Wayne. After all remember they bought large amounts of the Louisiana Swamp rat. And still to this day buy alot. Where people in Loisiana would never eat the things. We think they will be more than glad to eat processed dog and cat."
Look, it's Dwayne. And I don't think Americans would go for something like this. People in America are attached to dogs, and cats.
"Sure they are Wayne, but they also are willingly eating cows, and chickens. They eat pigs, and turkeys. It's all a matter of cultural taste. So why deny a food source to someone who would willingly eat it because you prefer letting Fido, and Tabby die uselessly. Thousands of animals are put down daily in America that could become part of America's GNP."
Listen Tim! You call me Wayne one more time I am going to hit you. It's Dwayne. D-Wayne. With a "D". Get it?
"Well yes Dwayne. I do. Sorry for my mistake. Won't happen again."
Good. I'm sorry I got loud there. Just some things tend to bother some people. Like for instance, eating household pets. You believe Americans are going to allow household pets to become food? That sending other countries animals euthanised here will become a global market?
"Well yes. Yes I do. I have already approached several large Asian market investors with guarantees for the first million units. Thats in the first month alone. If that is sustainable it would indeed show up on the NYSE. Investors could easily expect as much as a third within the first quater alone. You see Wayne......"
That does it you pet eating freak. I told you about that crap.
THWAP!
"Wayne? Wayne stop that. Ow. Owwww."
SLAP!
You cat chewing, dog roasting, commie sympathiser.
POW!
"Owww, dammit you better stop it. I'm not kidding."
THUD
Get the hell off my set. Who the fuck booked this asshole on here anyways? Get off my stage now before I shoot you pet eater.
"You'll hear from my lawyer psychopath."
Yeah right. Just leave already. No one wants to hear what you have to say.
Fascist fuck.
Sorry for that folks. We occasionally let a live one slip through. Up next. A Martha Stewart Juror who thought she may have been innocent. Stay with us for the rest of BitchSlapped, with Dwayne Wayne.
