March 2005.
Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
I'm guessing we won the war. We don't hear about it that often anymore unless the bombing kills alot more people than normal. They had their elections so there really isn't alot of glowing highlights to push in the media. No purple fingers. No staged statue destructions in the streets. Just the same old same old of trying to rebuild what we destroyed, and protecting the streets against the insurgents. Could we start calling them revolutionaries yet? Or is it still too early to call them that? You see someone somewhere thought revolutionaries sounded too much like America's heroic efforts to throw off the chains of oppression. And insurgents sounded more like troublemakers. I myself would have gone for the more negative choice of subversives. Makes them sound even worse. But I'm guessing they had to chose a word to describe those pesky fighters carrying on still and insurgents was one of the few words Bush could pronounce. But how is that war we won going? Are we still winning? Is that oil still safe?
Easter has come and gone. It being the holiday that serves to remind us that Jesus died and arose from the grave. The whole story telling us he did it so we could all die and be forgiven in death and arise again as a spiritual form living with God. Then why exactly would you please tell me are all those people seeking to put Terri Schiavo back on a feeding tube carrying crosses? Don't they have enough faith to believe God might be ready for Terri to show up? What's with the gay monks in full monestary gear? Is this some new fetish group? They like to dress up and lead the parade? Or do they just think God really likes the hooded look? The circus is in town and all the clowns come out. It has to be hitting Terri's family pretty hard, both sides. All these clowns and the media waiting breathlessly for word of her death. Maybe now they're starting to realize this shoud have been a private matter, and stayed a private matter. Shame so many of us learn these lessons the hard way. Have mercy on their souls.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?
So I came back from lunch today. Was screwing off while I was working and as I often do I started humming or whistling, I forget which, I do both often. Awww heck, I often burst into improptu song and showtunes just to screw with peoples heads. But anyways I had just heard the musta been high song. Surrounded by all these semi straight people who have to have listened to the radio in the last twenty years or so. And well folks I'm off humming the musta been high song. Had to laugh and quickly walk away. Knowing this happened I plan to always listen to as many varied forms of music as I can so my kids can't pull that shit on me.
Work sucks. I'm betting that somewhere out there you could find alot of people who enjoy their jobs. I'm not one of them. I learned a trade to make money and am now doing it to pay bills. I hate it. I hate waking up really early in the morning. Noon seems a much better time to wake and have a leisurely breakfast. Then a quick swim and a shower and one is about ready for the coming days work. I mean who in the heck decided we had to wake up so early? Why do they have a problem against our doing drugs, drinking, having sex, and sleeping late? My guess is they can't. See they can't sleep late. They can't handle drugs or drinking without flipping out. They fail at sex because of their own shortcomings. No that's not a short joke. So since they are unable to do these things they deny it to those of us who can. The bastards.
I've really wanted to ramble on about the Oprahfication of American men and our sexual lives. Now don't get me wrong but it's not all Oprah's fault. She is just a visible model of a failing I see. We have tons and tons of shows on day time TV exploring women's sexuality and women's needs. But seldom do you see a blunt take on men's needs. If you do you usually hear derogatory terms like whores, dogs, sluts, scum, bastards, ect. Male sexuality is stigmatized as wrong, and we are expected to accept it. Not only are men expected to accept that their own sexuality is twisted or wrong, but they are expected to be sensitive to women's needs and sexuality. Enough about you, what about me? The reason I find a failing is because I believe women and men follow differing biological functions. Different cycles or timelines. Call it the moon or the sun or nature or whatever. Drag out the science about how cave people needed both parents for at leat three years then often relationships broke up. But whatever you do don't go comparing the cycles and see how a man in today's society is expected to alter his. And it's my belief. See I say my belief, I ain't pandering this shit off as fact. I suggest it as a theory. But anyways, it's my belief that altering a mans cycle is detrimental to his health, and mental well being. It's why we die first. But we could be like those little shrews in the jungle who screw everything in sight for like four days then die. The pigs we are portrayed as. Having wants and needs that are out of the ordinary and obscene.
So what's with Iraq? Iran? North Korea? Our economy? Unemployment? You know? Me I have no clue. I've allowed myself the luxory of getting my news straight from the source. TV. I could tell you moment by moment how much time is left until we know what happens with "this" appeal. But I'm not gonna. And they shouldn't either. They should be reporting about the things that need to be fixed. It's time we all looked at how bad the house has fallen apart, and clean up after the party. The media should help, or at least turn down the music. But what I can tell you is something you probably wouldn't hear on TV. Gasp! Something they won't say until we've all said it a hundred times. The suspicious "package" found today. The one found near the courthouse. Why hasn't anyone speculated on who would have been planting it had it been a bomb? The Religious Right? Religious extremist? And they're better than the terrorist how? But someone has a dream. A grand vision. It's all layed out on those little maps and computer models.
And this babble grew longer by the minute. Another reason I haven't been writting lately. been putting more in daily updates, and trying to make them more regular. Come Summer if I stay healthy I'll hopefully be canoeing and drum circling and campfiring and FISHING. I gave away and sold all my old fishing poles. Hope to buy a few like four soon. Two smaller bass rods for the boys, and two bigger reels for me and the wife. As strange as it may seem to many of you I have to save up for em. I never realized how poor I really am until I started reading about what is considered poverty level in our country. I'm below it by several thousands. But all is well and good. We'll get poles, and do all that stuff, and we'll get by. Life is like that. If you don't give up it'll usually allow you to keep on living. Unless there's a war.
Speaking of wars. How's the one going in Iraq? Anyone notice any unusual troop movements lately? I'm just guessing that besides guarding the pipelines, and patroling through the cities that a few if not many troops are being moved hither and yon with a purpose. A good nitwit knowing where and whither could possibly decipher whether it was a bluff or the real stuff. Iran in the Summer? Or was that too lofty a goal at this stage in the game, and Syria chosen as the weaker country? Only time will tell, because I'm not going to. Just because you kow everything doesn't mean you shoud tell everyone. Most won't believe you. Alot of those who do will just get depressed. Might as well keep shit to yourself. And drink.
Oh! And check out Jeb's hair. He's graying it. On purpose. Gotta look old enough to handle the job. Like I didn't say they was gonna go for the plutocracy trifecta a long time ago. Damn I should drink more. Or less. But somewhere right in the middle.
A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts. "Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?" "That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them." "No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
I haven't been doing any new writings this month other than daily entries. Spread thin around the edges things have to give here and there. I do get out and read following my blogroll and links they provide. I just wish they'd start labeling the frothing at the mouth rightist rants for what they are instead of suggesting we read the tripe and come back and read their brilliant counter. I've also continued the ongoing battle with? Myself? Thanks to the troll mimic. I invite my readers to stop in and join in. The more the merrier. And occasionally between their bouts of spewing bile trolls cough up a jewel.
I also found over at Milk and Cookies a short film. I haven't made a flash movie section to my page and maybe I will later, but for right now here's a movie. NJoy.
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time....and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year....maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, "Fuck You", and I holler back, "Fuck you too."
The Troll Lounge was infested by a troll this weekend. But that's the places purpose, so who am I to be suprised that one is there acting like a troll. Since the troll keeps using my name I took the liberty of highlighting which were the trolls and which were mine. Find it towards the Troll Lounge towards the top of the "links to the left" and give it a notice. There's a little humor there, but hey I like watching ice melt.
George Bush has decided to elect himself the leader of the World Bank and Opec. No he did not, but he is mentioning a new leader to head the World Bank. Can we say discredited neoconservative thug with extensive ties to whats worse in our political system? Well sure we can. Paul Wolfmanwitz. That's why we can also say new reports have come out saying they had already wanted to attack Iraq prior to 9-11 and just used it to further their agenda. I mean they care less what anyone thinks anymore. They've even rewritten our global strategy plan with highlights in the preemptive catagory. We no longer fight cold wars. Just quick small ones where we kill some of the people before putting a puppet in power. Heck Karen Hughes is going to be heading up an ongoing put a happy face on America campaign. Don't get me wrong but she looks like someone who'd do bad things to anyone who ever left the seat up. I'm not sure I want her representing me.
But my weekend had nothing to do with any of this crap. Instead we did the youngest sons birthday party Sunday. All had a grand old time. We relaxed a little. Less TV and computer to feed the fears and anxiety thats being piped in twenty four seven. So we find ourselves sitting out in front of the fire more and more because it's rather soothing not being force fed laugh tracks and propaganda. Spring is here soon to be followed by Summer. We'll do things and have a blast. Then in a blink of an eye another Winter shall be upon us and I will be a bit older. Such a short time we have to be spent in fear. Such a short time to slave away for things we really could do without. But the TV tells me I not only want these things but must have them. And if I already have it, I should get the bigger better improved version.
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.
After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"
"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy -"$750 Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to Church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."
No this isn't some cheap way to get out of actually writing something. I really do think you should get out and do more.
So? Didn't you hear me? I said get and and do more. Now get out and do. Off with you.
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One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back.
The guy with the box said, "I'll have another Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.
The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.
He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."
The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers."
Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?"
"By spitting," said the leprechaun.
What brought this to mind was something written by Jeff Jacoby I think. I found it over at Busy Busy Busy. He suggested that Bush was right on Iraq. Which suggest that Bush was open and honest with America and told everyone the real reason we were going there was to destabalize the Middle East and bring Democracy to the Islamic world. So in those conditions Bush could possibly be seen as right if he had indeed suggested going into Iraq for those reasons. But we were not told we were going into Iraq for those reasons. We were told Iraq was a threat. They had nukes aimed right at us. They had enough bio weapons to kill anything that breathed on the planet for the next three million years. We were told Saddam had direct ties to Bin Laden. They had pictures of them at the day spa signing the papers authorizing the plans to fly planes into the World Trade Center. And all of these things turned out to be wrong. So how exactly Mr Jacoby is Bush right about Iraq? Or should I let you rephrase the question?
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father"
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
"Beloved Father, Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
"Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Nichols. The black guy. Should I say he is a black guy? Mention it? Does it pertain to the story? Probably not but I'm mentioning it in the same way I do a general descriptive. He shot up a courtroom with a gun stolen from a court officer. That's their story and they're sticking to it. Is it news? I mean people are shot everyday in America. People are murdered every day in America. What makes it news? Because he was black? Because it was an officers gun? Because he shot government representatives of the law of these great United States of America? Because we know why it's a story. People just don't go shooting up courtrooms. It's something we just cannot allow. Unlike those every day murders and rapes that no one really hears about. Those happen to the public at large and well we do try our best to get those solved. Enough said.
I had a dream this morning. Yes I slept in. Again. So???? But this isn't about an ongoing argument I have with my sleepy conscience. This is about the dream. I was doing diplomatic work. Getting to know Muslims and Islam. Trying to let them get to know me. Everything was a great and grand eye opening experience until I was held captive. It really wasn't any worse than my incarceration at the hands of our dear beloved country, the people were rather polite for keeping me prisoner. We had alot of long talks about religion. Then my good new friends changed. I knew I was to be executed. A really nice beheading for the camera. Only instead of me hosting the images on my web site they'd be hosted on yours. My lovely head rolling on the floor as my body kicked and shuddered. But this I saw in my mind in the dream. I imagined something while dreaming. Ain't that a kicker. And I disavowed all Gods except Allah. Now again this is a dream. I was lying through my teeth. I had always heard if you declare yourself for Allah they spare you. But with them killing Muslim Iraqis I would guess thats just not true. It really was a lovely dream with me and my captors talking about why I needed to die and it be videotaped. Me totally agreeing with just about everything they said with the exception of my head rolling in the dirt. Because I see some of their political arguements as having alot of merit. I do not see my head rolling free of my body as my mouth motions out final curses to the world. I'll try and frame the issue from where I sit. If Joe has a problem with Bob, and goes off and Kills Ann to let everyone know he's pissed at Bob, well even though alot of people may agree Joe has a valid reason to be pissed at Bob, we're all gonna wonder why he killed Ann. Worse yet alot of times you find out Ann was helping Joe get things worked out with Bob. Such is the terrorist current tactics. But to tell the truth, after my dream I think I'll be a little more inclined to hold the Islamic world suspect. Seems only fair though. I already suspect my own government and leaders. I suspect Israel. Heck I suspect everybody I meet. And even though I profess Christainity I hold all religions suspect.
A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making: Dad: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.
Son: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"
S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."
S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."
A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"
And with some parting shots I present, Inside The Monkey Sphere, 1984, and Gizoogled. Take it all with a grain of salt. Because too much salt is supposedly bad for your heart and arteries.
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
I've some archiving and updating of the blogroll to do. Regular web page crap that I'll get to tommorrow or the next day. Life can't stop just because we get weird feelings in the pit of our stomach. Unless of course those weird feelings are a growing cancer that kills us. Then life stops. At least for us that is.
A birch and a beech tree grow up side by side in the forest. One day, a sapling grows between them, and each swears that it's not their son. The beech thinks it's a son-of-a-birch, and the birch thinks it's a son-of-a-beech. To settle it, they enlist the help of a woodpecker, who checks it out. "You are both wrong," he says when he comes back up. "That's the best piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in."
Gotta problem with that?
