November 2005.
Always a day late and a dollar short I suggest you click this link for the latest horscope.
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate ... and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!
Finally she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She had found a solution! The little fly realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she, painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
Alas, she dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
The moral to this sad story? Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
Happy Thanksgiving folks. May your waistbands all stretch most comfortably.
Always a day late and a dollar short I suggest you click this link for the latest horscope.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE
Why can't you take a turkey to church? Because they use such FOWL language
What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called? Turkey feathers
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes - a building can't jump at all
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving
How can you make a turkey float? You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
I called the offices of DrunkenMonkey clothes. I get an average of around thirty hits a month looking for their clothing line. From once upon a time being the sort who looked to style and fashion as an expression of myself I gotta say alot of their stuff is nice. I really like the hoodies. The shorts. Oh and a shirt or two. And since we all know I'm not begging you the reader to go out and buy me anything this must have a point somewhere. Somewhere someplace sometime I'll get around to the point. If I can remember what it was. Remember folks I drink. One of the main reasons for naming the site after a style of Kung Fu that involves drinking right? But the point was and is that I am looking to try and do some business with DrunkenMonkey. Let them know how many hits I get a month and see if they are willing to pay me anything for describing their product line and maybe sell some of it for them. Thats why I've got the link right there for you to click on. Go ahead click it. You know you wanna. I'd like their web master to see a few hits coming from this little old site. It'd be even better if a few sales came from this site. As I grow, and the site grows, and the readeship grows, and my belly grows, advertisers become more willing to part with a few dollars for serious product endorsements. So why should'nt I start endorsing products that I really like or want? Well why not? If I become a bigger site with lots of traffic the chances are that advertising things I want and like could get me those things. "Brand New Mustang" "Brand New Mustang". But my guess is you gotta be a really big site before they send you home with the "BRAND NEW CAR!!!" So I'm a small site with a small but growing readership and I think being sent home with some "BRAND NEW CLOTHES!!" is a lot better than going home with nothing at all.
I still don't want to do the Google Ads thing. I have thought about a few Amazon ads for products that once again "I endorse". A movie or two I really think many of you would enjoy. Maybe a book that has been lost to the world for awhile and just deserves a little notice. But the page seems cluttered up enough without adding a bunch of ads for books I'd never buy or read, or products I'd never use or endorse just because Amazon, Google, Yahoo, or Ebay is willing to pay me pennies a click through. So contacting DrunkenMonkey is my first bid in seeking advertisers on my own. Lets hope it pans out. If it does I'll be the most stylish of bloggers and will be doing weekly reviews of thier products. If it doesn't no great loss. A long distance phone call to a few sales associates, and one pissed off web master who wonders why some obscure lunatic is #1 for soo many Google searches. So do the Monkey a favor and click DrunkenMonkey. Then you too can be a stylish monkey.
Always a day late and a dollar short I suggest you click this link for the latest horscope.
Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"
But some of those folks do need be there. I think of the insanity of our courts. Jeffry Dauhmer got a court trial and they questioned his sanity. They questioned whether or not a man who killed and ate people was sane. And they found him sane. Which to me is insane. If sanity is a standard rule of a society at it's norms then what Jeff did is insane. Yet a court found him sane. Such is life all Hail the "Law"! Near a million people are in prison for drug crimes. Having or selling or possessing. They get to go spend time with folks who kill or rape or rob or molest or this that and the other thing. Seems wrong as they are citizens of this country who probably paid taxes on every purchase they made in the local stores. Possibly worked and paid taxes to government. Because someone wants to win a war that has openly been going on for over eight years. Eighty years of them having the right to stop others from doing what should be their inalienable right to pursue a little happiness in the here and now.
The prohibitionist. Whether right or not do we continue to allow them to decide the fate of all depends on us. Some of us have grown older after having passed through a time in our youth when we knew these guys were full of shit. We've made our mistakes and learned our lessons and know you can't tell others about these mistakes because they have to touch the hot stove themselves. Sure some people accept what they are told and do exatly what they are supposed to do. But most of us do not. I am at a loss. It all seems soo twisted. We allow a religious movement to move into the White House that is not willing to be allowed to worship freely but demands that we reshape America so it doesn't offend any of their sensabilities. We jokingly call them the American Taliban, but how far off the mark are we?
The Taliban and many groups like them demand an adherance to religious teachings. The groups in the White House and pushing our country also demand and associate every decision with a religious right or power. In many Islamic regions it is illegal for Muslims to drink booze. They can be jailed and punished for it. In America there are many laws dealing with drinking and who is allowed and who isn't and how much and where and when and how. Laws passed to placate a vocal minority following religious doctrine. Over there in many places you can be killed for drug charges. While over here you only have to worry about lengthy prison sentences and draconian fines. Over there a woman can be killed for showing too much skin. Over here we seem to love our skin and show quite a bit of it just about "everywhere". But we're trying to fix that problem as fast as we can with laws designed to limit where and when skin can be seen. So while I firmly agree we are nowhere hear as bad as those other guys over there. I have to wonder why we keep passing law after law after law to make ourselves more in their image. Why we allow the American Taliban to keep making living illegal. Why we allow them to define what living is. It isn't like this is the movie Footloose. This is life.
Always a day late and a dollar short I suggest you click this link for the latest horscope.
A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant. "Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."
"Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."
"Ma'am. You're on the skylight."
Terrorist Sympathizer. That is a mighty harsh term. One reserved for someone who agrees with the terrorist. Maybe with people who agree with the actions and methods of terrorist. I mean if someone suggested that terrorist should blow up say the Stock Exchange, or a major media outlet because they didn't like the content of said media outlet aren't they condoning the same situations and actions the terrorist use? But being them, those who see it only from their side of the street I'd think they don't see it that way. As long as they are defending and fighting for their own side it's all good. The other guys are bad guys and when they blow things up they are evil. When our side does it or suggest it or plans it it's all good because we're fighting on the side of truth, justice, and the American way. But more often than not those on our side who would condone these actions aren't doing so because of truth or justice, and the only American way they understand is their own interest. They seem to not care about a working wage which would be good for all Americans. They seem to not care when it comes down to helping our own who may be sick, or elderly, or poor. What they instead seek to do is threaten and degrade groups or organizations that don't agree with their own very narrow viewpoint of what is the American way. I have in mind two people. Anne Coulter and Bill O'reilly. Not too long ago Anne suggested it wouldn't have been a shame at all if say the terrorist had bombed certain places here in America. Because the places she wanted bombed weren't in lockstep with her idea of America. And Bill recently went off and suggested it would be fine and dandy if terrorist bombed San Francisco or some building there because they didn't agree with what he thought they should do. You see for them it is only a terrorist action if the wrong people and places get blown up. Or that some places deserve to be blown up more than others. These people in their very thinking are not that very different than the terrorist they bad mouth daily. They feel it would be okay that others die because they don't agree politically. They feel their side is right no matter what. And they think they have the right to decide for the rest of us how things should go. So even if Bill and Anne don't go sending money to the Bin Laden Terror Homeschooling Kit. Even if they don't agree with the guys on the other side. They do share the same basic thinking. In this they have the mindset of terrorist. As such they are in their own special way Terrorist Sympathizers. As are most of "the ends justify the means" people. They just tend to be more sympathetic to their own brand of terror. Gooooooooooo! Team!
Always a day late and a dollar short I suggest you click this link for the latest horscope.
A man and a woman are standing in line at a hospital donation center.
"Long line, huh?" says the man. "What are you donating?"
"Blood," the woman replies. "They pay 10 bucks a pint."
"I’m donating my sperm," says the man. "They pay $25 an ounce."
A couple of weeks later, the man and woman meet again in the same line.
"Hi there," says the man. "Donating some more blood?"
The woman shakes her head and mumbles, "Mmm-unnh!"
Speaking of underlings. How'd ya like to be a lawyer for Saddam these days? One side says the other side is killin them off. The other side reverses it so it's them not us. Even there they are fractioned. Saddam held them together, the factions who would gladly war forever, through brutality. And now someone is killing off his lawyers.And unlike alot of these things over there, no one is taking credit. To what purpose? We must explore in our half baked semi lucid minds why. To get them to move the trial? To prolong the trial? If it was aimed at getting Saddam freed one would think they'd be executing the judge, the jury, the prosecutors. Instead they are attacking the defense. One could surmise, which often leads to error but more often than not leads to correct hypothesis, that whoever is doing it is doing it to either threaten any defense lawyer, or to force the trial to be moved. Or it is soo bad in Iraq that moving around on the streets can get you shot any day of the week. A whole country like Compton in it's heyday.
Always a day late and a dollar short I suggest you click this link for the latest horscope.
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Arky said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Fox News was recently sending out the talking point of the day. Syria and Iran bad, Mmmmkay? We might have to go in and fix them like we've done fixed Iraq. Might have to do a Mission Accomplished on em. And if we do and if it happens you can damn sure expect a draft. I myself can't even believe these assholes are still pushing their hidden Straussian agenda like it's all part of the plan. But maybe it is part of the plan. They don't go and die. Their family doesn't go and die. Their rich friends don't go and die. The stockholders don't go and die. The only ones who go off to die are the working folks and their offspring. And we're riffraff anyways so who really cares. But Syria seems the likely target. Expect the yellow cake papers to materialize any day now.
Carli Brucia. Think I spelled it right. Poor girl was raped and murdered here in my town. The killer who everyone and his brother knows is guilty since he's admitted it and directed the police to her body is getting his nice show trial thanks to the fine judicial system. And they, the fine judicial system, seemed a bit put off that more people didn't show up for the trial. They've got their own little OJ thing going on and the world hasn't beat a path to their door. But what were they expecting. The killer wasn't rich or famous. The victim wasn't rich or famous. Normal people don't usually rate more than a passing mention. But I heard tell they are or were discussing selling tickets to get in the courtroom. Murder trials as entertainment. Stuck for an idea where to take your next date? Drag their sorry asses off to the courthouse for a quick show trial then off for a light lunch. Who knows maybe some dancing later. We're sick people we really really are.
Bush suggested new picks for this and that. Yay! Like I care. I'd show more interest if I saw a potential candidate run on the platform of undoing everything Bush has done to date. Undo every tax cut, every program, every idea that Bush and his gang have brought about. Heck I'd even cheer and march in the parade if someone ran on the ticket of taking them all to court for treason with the death sentence soon to follow. Impeachment? Too lame. I'm all for some public hangings in our nation's capital. Bring some accountability to the White House like you wouldn't believe. And I'm sure the honesty and integrity would be sure to follow not long after the first pair of feet swing.
Immigration. Mexicans and others from South of the border flocking to this country so they can make some money to send home so after a few years say ten average they can go back and live a nice cofmortable life in the brand new house their money buys. Must be nice in some ways to be an illegal immigrant. Most I know tell me their house will be paid off in around ten years, and no hovel it will be, and they plan on going back and living a life of ease. But they are breaking the law. But since it's a bad law the folks in Washington have decided to ignore it. But those laws against pot are good laws. That's why they decided to keep paying attention to those. That's why they think it's okay to keep locking up their own citizens. Because they get to decide which laws we honor and pay attention to and which ones we ignore. Want to put a stop to illegal immigrants in this country? Make it fiscally unsound for business to use them anymore. Get caught once fifty grand. Get caught a second time, a hundred grand. Get caught a third time, a cool million. Get caught after that and it doubles each time. Wanna bet big biddness would stop hiring illegals? But even if we did it they'd just outsource. Hell I'd outsource if there was a way to send the blocks and mortar out of the country and have them sent back already assembled. Just doesn't work like that for me though. But it must be nice to make the laws and ignore the ones you find inconvienient when you want. Kinda like Rush and the State of Florida and oxycotins.
Family and self haven't done crap in what feels like months. Alot of the on the cheap things we can do around here deal with the water. For months, months I tell you, the red tide was terrible. It's finally gone away for a bit just in time for winter. You know winter, when swimming and canoeing and hanging out at the beach isn't prime time. Soomany things I did as a kid revolved around the great open spaces that still existed in Florida. Now it seems there are wall to wall houses where a fart can be felt from next door. Neighborhoods built to maximize some developers pockets with no regared paid to how to keep them in water once the city hits critical mass. And yet our local elected leaders continue to tell us the tax base these developments will bring will far outweigh the negative aspects. Even though it hasn't worked out like that yet. So what I'm left with is a vacation wonderland that provides crap for family. Provides crap on the cheap activity for those who actually work here and didn't retire here with a few billion stocked away. And I'd suggest a strike if it weren't for all those illegal workers who will gladly take our jobs so they can send the money home and retire in ten years. But it all boils down to me and the family not doing anything worth talking about in a very very long time.
I've got plenty more babble left but feel a need to draw this to a close. For my regular readers thanks for sticking it out through thick updates and thin, I'll be back at it with a vengence soon enough. For my new readers take the time to dig through the archives so you can be up to date with your ridicule. And for that guy who keeps finding my site by Yahooing "Monkey Penis Gas", why? Why in the world would anyone be looking for monkey penis gas? Is it an unknown commodity that I'm as yet unaware of? Is it the newest in perfume manufactoring? And why not bookmark me instead of Yahooing "Monkey Penis Gas". I can't be that high on the list can I? Dammit. Number one. I know not what I have wrought. You go play, dig around in the links, play some games, check out that porn, enjoy the many pictures of monkeys I host, and enjoy yourself for a bit. You've worked hard and deserve it. And if you didn't work hard, and you don't deserve it, well then, send me some money you slacker.
Always a day late and a dollar short I suggest you click this link for the latest horscope.
Q: How do you get 1000 dead bodies into a phone booth?
A: Use a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: ...Nachos
Q: How many dead bodies does it take to paint a house?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
Always a day late and a dollar short I suggest you click this link for the latest horscope.
What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.
Gotta problem with that?
