Telemarketer Harassments

Ever since when my family added our name to the "DO NOT CALL LIST" that the government set up, weve naturally been getting like three times as many calls. So I decided to wage war, by harassing the telemarketers who call me. These are actual conversations I had with telemarketers. They really did happen!
Here is a list of them:
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AT&T's Kitchenware

Telemarketer calls. I pick up.
TELEMARKETER: Hello, I'm Mike from AT&T. I'd like to offer you a-
ME: Sorry, I already have kitchen cabinets.
TELEMARKETER: Um, I'm with AT&T...
ME: Yes, I know. I already have kitchen cabinets and don't need any more, sorry.
TELEMARKTER: I called to offer you a long-distance plan.
ME: You sell long-distance kitchen cabinets?
TELEMARKETER: No! We don't sell kitchen cabinets!
ME: Oh. I thought AT&T sells kitchenware.
TELEMARKETER: We don't. I'm trying to offer you a long-distance plan for your phone!
ME: So then why did you offer me kitchenware?
TELEMARKETER: Huh? I didn't-
I hang up.

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Fish or Cantaloupe?

Telemarketer calls. I pick up.
TELMARKETER: Hello. Is ________ home?
ME: Do you like fish?
TELEMARKETER: Excuse me?
ME: Do you like fish?
TELEMARKETER: Umm... no...
ME: Why don't you like fish? Fish are good.
TELEMARKETER: Because... I don't like fish...
ME: What about cantalope? I like cantalope.
TELEMARKETER: Look, is _____ home or not?
ME: No, she's busy eating cantalope.
TELEMARKETER: OK, I'll call back-
I hang up.

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Not My Name

Telemarketer calls. I can't think of anything to say in case it is a telemarketer (because I don't know if it is yet) but I pick up anyway.
TELEMARKETER: Is Mr. ________ home?
ME: There's nobody by the name of ______ here.
TELEMARKETER: No, I could have mispronounced the name, because-
ME: There is nobody by the name of _____ here.
TELEMARKETER: No, you don't understand, see, the name is really hard to pronounce, and-
ME: THERE IS NO ONE BY THE NAME OF _____ HERE. Our last name is Smith.
TELEMARKETER: Oh. Really?
ME: Yes.
TELEMARKETER: Oh, sorry. Bye.
I hang up.

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Silencio

Telemarketer calls. I pick up.
TELEMARKETER: Hello, is this (my number)?
ME: Um, it might be....
TELEMARKETER: Haha. Congratulations, your number was just chosen for........ to win....... *blahblahblahblahblah*
TELEMARKETER: *blahblahblahblahblah*...... are you over 21, sir?
Silence
TELMARKETER: sir?
Silence
TELEMARKEtER: Sir, are you there?
Silence
TELEMARKETER: Sir? Hello?
Silence
Prolonged silence
Telemarketer hangs up.

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Pizza

Telemarketer calls. I pick up.
ME: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: Can I speak to Mrs. ________?
ME: She's not here.
TELEMARKETER: Then can I speak to Mr. _______?
ME: Umm, maybe. What do you need?
TELEMARKETER: Can I speak to him?
ME: Is it important?
TELEMARKETER: Yes.
ME: Can I order a pizza?
TELEMARKETER: What? Is this Mr. _______?
ME: Mushroom pizza, please.
TELEMARKETER: Is this Mr. _______?
ME: What? No mushrooms? Olives, then.
Telemarketer hangs up.

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Credit Cards

Caller calls. I pick up.
ME: Hello?
CALLER:Hi, can I speak to ____?
ME: Which one? We have 6 ____s in this house.
CALLER: Uh, ___ ______.
ME: Oh, ok. Let me get him.
I "call" for ___, and then "___" comes to the phone.
ME, in hi-pitched squeaky voice: Hello?
CALLER: Is this ___?
ME: Yes.
CALLER: Hi, I'm calling about you American Express card...
Right now, I start thinking, "OHMYGODOHMYGOD I JUST HARASSED MY DAD'S CREDIT CARD COMPANY" and immidiately get my voice back to normal.
ME, speaking normally again: Umm, ___ isn't here right now... can you call back around 9?
CALLER: Sure.
ME: Bye.
I hang up, relieved and crazed that I had harassed a non-telemarketer... that was pretty stupid...

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Free Vacation

Telemarketer calls. I pick up.
ME: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: Hello. I’d like to offer you a-
Mom picks up also.
MOM: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: Huh?
ME: It’s ok, mom, I got it.
MOM: Oh, ok.
Mom hangs up.
ME: Ok. What were you saying?
TELEMARKETER: Ok. My company would like to offer you a free trip to either Las Vegas or Orlando. It comes with a plane ticket, and-
ME: Wait, why only Las Vegas and Orlando? Can I get a free trip to Canada?
TELEMARKETER: Um, no.
ME: Why not?
TELEMARKETER: This promotion is only for Las Vegas and Orlando.
ME: Oh, well, I really want to go to Canada!
TELEMARKETER: Sorry.
ME: Fine. Well, does it at least come with free complimentary oatmeal?
TELEMARKETER: Um, what, sir?
ME: Oatmeal. I like oatmeal.
TELEMARKETER: Well, I’m not sure, sir, but if you want, you can make an appointment at one of our buildings and ask all of these questions yourself.
ME: Ok. Where are your studios, buildings, uh… appointment-thingies located?
TELEMARKETER: Well we have one in Cherry Hill, Princeton, …. (I didn’t quite catch the rest)
ME: Ok. When can I come?
TELEMARKETER: You need to make an appointment, sir.
ME: All right. Let me check my calendar.
While I go to check my "calendar" to see what “dates” I have open, the telemarketer mutters under her breath,
TELEMARKETER, muttered under her breath: F***ing moron…
I find an "open date" on my "calendar"
ME: Ok. I’m not available until Umpthruary, though. Is that ok?
TELEMARKETER: Well, this promotion ends on Tuesday, so it’s not ok.
ME: Oh, all right then. Well…. Uh… umm… I hope you have a…. a…. a happy winter wonderland day.
TELEMARKETER: You too, sir.
Telemarketer hangs up.

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Discriminatory Survey

12/14/03, around 1:41 PM
Telemarketer calls. I pick up.
ME: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: Hello, this is (some name I didn’t understand) from the University of Michigan. We’re conducting a survey on (I didn’t quite catch whatever it was they were conducting a survey on… it was a very static-y phone.) Is there anyone there between the ages of 18 and 4?
ME: Excuse me? 18 and 4?!
TELEMARKETER: No, I said 18 and eighty-four.
ME: Oooooh.
TELEMARKETER: Well, is there?
ME: Wait, why only up to 84? Why not 85? Can’t you talk to my grandfather?
TELEMARKETER: Sorry, only ages 18 thorough 84 are allowed.
ME: Well, that’s not fair! That’s discrimination against old people!
TELEMARKETER: Well, I-
ME: I don’t think I like this survey.
TELEMARKETER: Look, is there someone between the ages of 18 and 84 there?
Silence
TELEMARKETER: Hello? Are you there?
Silence
ME, blowing into the phone: phwooooooosh.
Silence
TELEMARKETER: Hello?
ME: What’s your favorite band?
Telemarketer hangs up.

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Whistling

2/13/04, 6:31-6:32 PM
Telemarketer calls. I check with my dad in case we know anyone at that phone number. When he replies, "no," I pick up, eagerly awaiting the oncoming harassment.
ME: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: Hello, may I speak with Mr. __________?
ME: Who?
TELEMARKETER: May I speak with Mr. __________?
ME: *whistling* (very loudly, I might add, as it's going through a phone and gets really high-pitched and annoying)
TELEMARKETER: Hello? Mr. __________?
ME: *whistling*, now in a higher range
TELEMARKETER: Hello, I'm with Amtrak, and I'd like to offer you... didn't quite catch it
ME (whispering to my father): Amtrak? We don't know anyone at Amtrak, right?
DAD whispering back: Yeah.
ME to telemarketer again: *whistling*
TELEMARKETER: ...and you can get this special deal if-
ME: *whistling*
While the telemarketer continues her sales pitch, I whistle merrily along. Annoyingly, too. It was really high-pitched and kept interrupting her speaking. Finally,
TELEMARKETER: So, Mr. __________, do you want to try this deal?
ME: *whistling*
TELEMARKETER: Mr. ___________?
ME: *whistling*
TELEMARKETER: Thank you for taking your time, Mr. ____________, and continue using Amtrak and have a nice day.
Telemarketer hangs up.
I'm in shock, as I have been whistling the whole time yet she completes the sales pitch and thanks me and wishes me a nice day, which she is probably instructed to do.

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Stupid Survey

Tuesday, March 09, 2004, 6:24 PM (junk line)
Telemarketer calls. I'm on speakerphone, and my mom is speaking really loudly in the background. I pick up.
ME: Hello?
ME: Hello?
ME: He-
TELEMARKETER: Hello, sir, I'm with (something... didn't catch the name) and I'm doing a survey and-
ME, dripping with sarcasm and annoyance: A survey? On what?
TELEMARKETER: Conversations.
ME, “pouring” with sarcasm and annoyance: You're doing a survey on conversations?!
TELEMARKETER: Yes.
ME: What's it about?
TELEMARKETER: Well, we're finding out what people like to talk about.
ME: Talk about who?
TELEMARKETER: What people like to talk about.
ME: Oh. So you're telling me that you're doing this super-important survey about conversations so important you had to call me up in the middle of my dinner to do it? (despite the fact I'm not actually eating dinner)
TELEMARKETER: Oh, sorry, sir. Bye.
ME, disgusted: Bye.
I hang up.

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Hold On...

Monday, October 25, 2004, 7:00 PM (Normal Line)
Telemarketer calls. I'm working so I don't really have time to harass the telemarketer, but whatever... I pick up.
ME: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: Hello Mr. or Mrs. ________, this is Dr. _______'s office, (I missed the name) and we're offering free blood and skeletal exams for people in the area. I'm calling to let you know and to find out what time you would like to have your exam. What time is best for you?
ME: ...what?
TELEMARKETER: Your exam... your free exam.
ME: ....what?
TELEMARKETER: When would you like your free skeletal exam?
ME: Um, hold on.
TELEMARKETER: Okay.
I call to my brother, "Are Mom or Dad home?" He says no, but I'm not really in the mood for telemarketer-harassing. So, with my hand still over the speaker, I put the telemarketer on hold and hang up. Five minutes later I look at the phone and she had hung up. Looking back, I'm wishing that I had done something with that "your free exam"...

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Supermarket Survey

Wednesday, October 27, 2004, 6:55 PM (Normal Line)
Telemarketer calls, I pick up. (This isn't really that much of a harassment, unfortunately...)
ME: Hello?
TELEMARKETER: Hi, my name is Shoshana and I'm calling from the Loyalty Research Center.
ME: The what?
TELEMARKETER: The Loyalty Research Center.
ME: What? The Loyalty Research Center?
TELEMARKETER: Yes. We would like your opinion on grocery supermarkets-
ME: Grocery supermarkets? Why?
TELEMARKETER: It's just a survey.
ME: For any particular reason?
TELEMARKETER: It's a survey we're doing. Do you shop at Shop Rite®?
ME: When the floor isn't a crazy mess, sometimes... I mean you walk into that store and the floor is disgusting. Eugh....
I shudder, even though the telemarketer can't see it.
TELEMARKETER: Well, we're conducting a survey for them.
"Conducting"... good word...
TELEMARKETER, continued: Is anyone in your household employed for a supermarket company?
ME: No...
TELEMARKETER: Do you shop at Shop Rite® on a regular basis?
ME: Well, what's regular? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? Semi-monthly? Bi-weekly...? Bi-daily?
TELEMARKETER: Weekly, I'd think.
ME: No.
TELEMARKETER: Thank you for your time.
ME, rolling my eyes: Bye.

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