(More Than) 100 Ways to Harass Telemarketers

1. If they ask how are you today, say “quite horrible” and go on to a long list of things, and then ask “what about you?”
2. Make it clear you are a teenager, then shush the "baby" and tell your "Sweetie" to be quiet for a moment
3. Order a large mushroom pizza with extra cheese
4. Hang up immediately
5. Say, “This is a bad time, can I have your home phone number so I can call you back during dinner?”
6. Say, "Hello, I am your WORST NIGHTMARE," hissing
7. Talk in robot speak
8. When they say their name, pretend they're your friend and you haven't seen them in ages, go like "Ohmygod! JEN! I HAVENT SEEN YOU IN SO LONG!
9. Eat the phone. Make sure it's loud.
10. Turn everything they ask into a question. Example: “I would like to offer you a long distance plan.” “Would you like to offer me a long distance plan?”
11. When they ask how you are, say "heartbroken," and go into a long detailed story about how you and your girlfriend/boyfriend fought and had a huge problem, make sure if your a guy say boyfriend, and if your a girl say girlfriend
12. Order a pizza.
13. Scream into the phone: "YOU'RE AN ALIEN! I KNEW IT! FIRST CONTACT! WOHOO!" and hang up
14. Ask them to call you back in 15 minutes because you aren't quite done pulling out your nose and ear hairs
15. Say, "hold on one minute" and loudly explain to whatever inanimate object near you why you must answer the phone. Make sure you call the inanimate object by its name, like, "Chair! I told you, I HAVE to!"
16. Invite your whole family onto the phone line to join in
17. Ask the telemarketer if she has rabies
18. Bang the telephone against the wall and scream "AHHHH! NO! PLEASE DONT KILL ME!"
19. Suck on a strawberry into the speaker
20. Breathe really hard into the speaker and go "is anyone there?"
21. Go "I told you (insert telemarketer's name here), the truth is out there."
22. Invite the telemarketer to see "Free Willy 3" with you
23. Tell the telemarketer that you've been thinking about this for a very long time, but you've decided that you think it's time for you two to finally have a baby.
24. Ask the telemarketer if they were at the national pick-your-nose associations' convention, because you had just gotten home from it
25. Say "hold on, let me put the man of the house on" and put your wife on
26. Quickly give the phone to your dog to bark at
27. When the telemarketer asks for your address to send you junk mail, give them the FBI
28. Tell the telemarketer in a deep voice that you're Cindy Crawford
29. Get the company's address and send them lots of junk mail
30. In that junk mail, include the company's own junk mail
31. Call 911 and tell them that the telemarketer that just called you has a bomb
32. Ask for the manager
33. If they say would you like a free trial say "but you have to read me my rights!" and call your lawyer and sue them
34. Get caller ID
35. Quiz the telemarketer on astrophysics and some form of science that begins with quasi-
36. Try to seduce the telemarketer
37. Try to get the telemarketer to buy your product, the “left-handed nose-picker”. When asked what it does, exclaim, “It picks left-handed noses, of course!”
38. Tell the telemarketer in a rushed voice you'll be right back, and then wonder out loud loudly where on earth that darn prostitute went
39. Make a bet with the telemarketer that he or she can't not talk for a whole year
40. KILL THEM
41. Pick up the phone, SCREAM, and hang up
42. Play the mission impossible theme song into the phone, and then add, "please hold. We are sorry, but all of our customer service employees are busy. Please hold..."
43. Say, while ignoring whatever the telemarketer is saying, "Hello. Is this Joe's pizzeria? Yes, I'd like to order a-" and then get annoyed and ask the telemarketer why he or she isn't following the script, the big performance is coming up!
44. Pretend that your home is actually the UN whenever the telemarketer asks you a question, create a resolution
45. Pick up the phone and pretend that you're actually the telemarketer
46. Repeat the words fish, hat, and smock over and over until the telemarketer hangs up
47. Answer the first question no, then the next yes, then the next no, etc., even if it isn't a yes or no question
48. Answer all yes or no questions with because.... and all questions that have real answers with yes or no
49. Ask if they sell salamis. If they say no, ask the salami prices.
50. Ask to speak with the telemarketer's parents
51. Debate with your presidential Cabinet how to answer each question
52. Ask for "dumbass"
53. Wonder out loud why your liver is giving you such painful heart trouble
54. Explain to the telemarketer quietly that you don't do drugs
55. Ask if they're hiring
56. Wonder out loud if you'll get caught going over to the telemarketer's company building right now and killing the telemarketer
57. Answer every question no
58. Answer every question yes
59. Answer every question with “chimney stack”
60. Just stay silent the whole time
61. Ask the telemarketer if they realized the power of cheese and ask them to join your cheese cult
62. Tell them that they should repent, the Day of Judgment nears!
63. Send them a pamphlet on proper social etiquette
64. Ask their opinion on the Arab-Israeli conflict, and when their finished, say, yeah well who asked your opinion anyway
65. Ask them for a donation to your soup kitchen
66. If it's a bank, tell them you need a loan because you sure haven't been able to pay back all your other ones!
67. Change your accent every three seconds
68. Change your language every three seconds
69. Listen carefully to everything the telemarketer says, then say quietly, “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.”
70. Say, “my mommy told me never to talk to strangers”
71. Ask the telemarketer if they saw the latest movie and their opinion of it
72. As soon as the conversation is over, immediately call the telemarketer back
73. Ask the telemarketer how they got your phone number. Demand to see physical evidence that the telemarketer is not actually affiliated with the Russian Mafia
74. When the telemarketer asks for whoever they ask for, tell them “their not home right now, they'll be back in 30 years when they finally get out of prison”
75. Explain to the telemarketer that the person cannot come to the phone right now because telemarketers make him/her violently angry to the point of driving over there and shooting everyone in the company. Add that this has happened before, tell the telemarketer to check the public records
76. When the telemarketer asks for Mr. or Mrs. (your last name here), burst out into tears, saying how could you, you KNOW that (that person) is dead already!
77. If the telemarketer says the word “ready” at any point in time for any reason, shout out, Sponge Bob style – “I'm ready! I'm ready!”
78. Ask the telemarketer if they've been informed of the new “Telemarketer Assassination Law”
79. Try to bring the telemarketer under your complete telepathic control
80. Tell the telemarketer about this new religion you have created after your “revelation.” Try to convert the telemarketer.
81. Ask the telemarketer if they've ever been to Bangitout.com
82. Play Hanson as loud as you can into the speaker
83. If the telemarketer asks you to make a donation, say “No, but would you like to make a donation to me?”
84. Look up the telemarketer in the phone book, go over to their house, and leave a cryptic message
85. Ask the telemarketer to raid the local Wal-Mart with you. Tell him/her it'll be fun. Explain that you have connections; you can get to the front of the line easy.
86. Make animal noises into the speaker.
87. Speak in another language. If you don't know one, make one up.
88. When the telemarketer finishes their little sales speech say in perfect English, “Sorry, I don't speak English”
89. Ask the telemarketer “Don't you have other things to do?”
90. Put the telemarketer on hold while you go look up your address in the phone book so they can mail you whatever you just “ordered”.
91. Ask the telemarketer if they know Mike Myers personally. If they say this was a random question, respond, “That's what you think…”
92. Burp loudly and often.
93. Have every other sentence you say be a commercial slogan
94. Start reading Hamlet to the telemarketer. If time allows, read them the whole thing and then continue on to Romeo & Juliet.
95. Ask the telemarketer if they enjoy hunting and then skinning the rabbits and then boiling them and then cutting them and then preparing them and then eating them just as much as you do. Go into lots of detail.
96. Ask the telemarketer to just hold on a minute while you perform your daily ritual sacrifice to G-d.
97. Say that you happen to not be interested in their product, but say you know someone else who does. Give the telemarketer a random name and phone number.
98. Start the conversation with, “You have just reached 911. What is the problem?”
99. Ask the telemarketer if they like fish. If they say no, inquire as to why not and then suggest cantaloupe as an able substitute.
100. If the telemarketer states his/her company, interrupt them by saying we already have (insert item here that is completely opposite to what the company sells).” Example: “Hi, I'm Mike from AT&T, and-” “Sorry, I already have kitchen cabinets.”
101. Put the telemarketer on a conference call with your boss.
102. Demand to know where the telemarketer was on the night of Friday, July 16th, 1982
103. Levitate the phone with your mind
104. Turn the phone up-side down and talk into it that way
105. In the middle of the first thing the telemarketer says? Scream in your best Chris Farley voice "In a van down by the river!"
106. In the middle of answering one of their questions, tell the nearest inanimate object, "I told you, I don't have the money yet, but I swear it'll be here by-" then slam your hand down loudly onto the speaker and drop the phone.
107. Speak in mathematical equations.
108. Change all of the vowels in the word you say to the letter "u". Example: "hello" becomes "hullu"
109. Start monkey talking ("ooh-ooh-ah-ah")
110. Debate with the telemarketer as to which is better - cream cheese or ham
111. Burst out into the Peanut Butter Jelly Song
112. Tell the telemarketer he/she still have a special place in your heart
113. Make every word you say end in the letter "t". (yesht, helpt)
114. Speak with the accent of a Brit trying to sound Austrian
115. Make camel noises
116. Thank the telemarketer for calling the Assassins Against Telemarketers (AAT) headquarters
117. Ask the telemarketer if he/she is a telemarketer
118. Ask what time it is in Uruguay
119. Ask the telemarketer what that thing on your bookshelf is.
120. Right before you hang up, tell the telemarketer "remember- this conversation never happened."
121. Address the telemarketer as Mr. Spock.
122. Repeat every sentence you say twice. Repeat every sentence you say twice.
123. Repeat repeat every every word word you you say say twice twice.
124. Fart into the phone
125. Creatively misinterpret every word they say.
126. As an alternative to killing them, destroy them
127. Declare war on them
128. Make random farm animal noises into the speaker.
129. Give the telemarketer a play by play description of what your TV is showing right now
130. Ask the telemarketer to proofread your essay for you. Before they can respond, begin reciting it into the phone.
131. Dunk the phone repeatedly in prune juice.
132. Declare to the telemarketer that you have finally realized, after years of research, that your left elbow is actually made of dried up, processed spinach
133. Hum the Flintstones theme song over and over
134. If you can whistle, whistle it instead
135. If you can't do either, sing it
136. If you don't know the Flintstones theme song, then just smack yourself repeatedly in the head with the phone. It will do just as well
137. Ask the telemarketer how they got your phone number
138. Ask the telemarketer their sexual orientation
139. Tell the telemarketer you don't appreciate them checking up on you so often
140. Politely ask the telemarketer if they could call you back at a better time, say, in 60 years?
141. Glare at the phone
142. Douse the phone in apple juice and hope it leaks over to the other side of the line
143. Ask for a hot dog
144. Quietly tell the telemarketer, “5th Avenue – 5:00 – you know why – be there.” and hang up
145. Ask the telemarketer if he or she can tell which one is Mary-Kate and which one is Ashley
146. Quickly go find any bad joke book and begin telling jokes nonstop
147. Throw the phone into the toilet and flush
148. Continually switch phones, and each time ask the telemarketer, “Can you hear me now?”
149. Start the conversation with, “WHAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZAAAAAP?!?!?!”
150. Get the telemarketer to do something idiotic. Make sure you are taping the call
151. Be convinced that it is not a telemarketing call but in fact a prank call and demand to find out the caller's name and address so you can call his or her parents
152. When the telemarketer asks for Mr. or Mrs. ________, gasp and ask in a quiet, shocked voice, “Oh my god… How did you find me?”
153. Scream, “I WILL NEVER GIVE IN TO THE LIKES OF YOU!” and run out of the house, screaming
154. Ask the telemarketer out on a date
155. Make kissy-kissy noises into the telephone
156. Grunt
157. Find a way to misunderstand each of the telemarketer's sentences. For example, if they say, “Would you like to buy a car?” Ask, “What? Do I like fried lard?”
158. Demand proof that the telemarketer is who they say they are
159. Wonder out loud when someone will finally rise up against the telemarketers' evil regime
160. Invite the telemarketer over for a “nice toiky dinnah”
161. Ask the telemarketer his or her reasons for becoming a telemarketer. Are they too stupid to do anything else? Did they fail college? Do they have exceptional people skills?
162. Survey the telemarketer on just about anything
163. Tell the telemarketer that they have just won $1,000,000, and they can pick it up at noon on Friday at Capitol Hill
164. Develop a split personality and share both of them with the telemarketer
165. Hiss into the phone whenever the telemarketer says the word “the”
166. Ask the telemarketer, “and how much does it cost?” after every sentence, regardless of whether it makes sense to say it or not
167. Ask the telemarketer to hold for a minute; say you're getting out your list of ways to harass telemarketers and trying to find a good one
168. Shoot the phone
169. Play your bagpipes into the phone
170. Speak with a yiddishkeit/redneck accent with a lisp
171. Warn the telemarketer that you're recording the call, so he or she should be careful not to do anything stupid
172. Use your magic powers and turn the telemarketer into a frog
173. Develop electronic abilities and electrocute the telemarketer through the phone
174. Crack stupid or dirty jokes all the time, and whenever you tell a joke, have a drum and cymbals at the ready for a good “duh-duh CRASH”