I'm finally getting around to my annual health vent. The delay is caused by my "head-in-the-sand" attitude about all things unpleasant. If I just keep quiet long enough, the boogeyman and all his evil will go away. Sadly, it is time to 'fess-up. I'm sure I say the same thing every year, but this one truly is the worst yet.

I think it's safe to say that my right earlobe doesn't hurt. Likewise it is unfortunately true that every other part of my body feels like I died months ago and am creaking along one stiff joint at a time.

Last night became the catalyst. I sat in my wheelchair in the kitchen just letting the tears have their way. My hips were screaming at me to do something. Stand up! Sit down! Twist and stretch! There has to be some position or exercise that will relieve this searing pain! Alas, nothing helped. So there I sat, scolding myself for not dealing with the increasing pain and decreased mobility before now.

I apologize to everyone for not sharing this sooner, or in a better way than writing it here where I can still feel detached from the pathetic voice crying out on this page. It is important for me to "come clean" so my reclusive lifestyle might make more sense. Travel is all but a dim memory for me now. My life is so high maintenance (between bath and bed assistance tools) that overnight visits seem a thing of the past as well. My left shoulder is so damaged that I can't even hold a phone to my ear very long before the stabbings begin.

I share these things not for pity, but understanding. Not for frustration, but for patience. I've been fighting all these years to live a "normal" life. Though I've adapted much of my life for this disability, it is time to start living the reality of my situation more. I need to come to terms with this truth and accept the limited life I can have.

I'm hoping this rant will help me cope. Will help you understand. Will let me relax from the strain of trying to look "okay" so as not to worry those I love. I will find new ways to continue in a positive light. I always have. It's just that this year will prove to be the biggest test of my resilience yet. And if I can find the right balance between activity, assistance, meditation and medication; my quality of life (though restricted) can continue to bear fruit. It is time (once more) to address all these things. The pain isn't going anywhere so it is I who must change.

One thing that remains as true today as it ever has and that is to pay attention to the little joys in daily life. I know I can move through this latest hurdle with the help of those little joys (and lots of morphine!). And the Love,  support and understanding of family and friends are my strongest tools to achieving my goals. As Wet Willie reminds us, you just have to "Keep On Smiling".

Here's to keeping my head above water and out of the sand for this life, does indeed, go on.

March 2, 2007

I went out for some light shopping this morning and on my way home noticed ice on the sidewalk. Anywhere else in the country would say "so what", but it seemed so out of place here in Antioch, CA. Seems some sprinklers went on and thanks to this incredibly cold weather (again - for this part of the country), the runoff had frozen on the pavement.

Thoughts of black ice and sliding down the road came to mind as my wheelchair ran over the slick cement and a guy up ahead actually slipped on the stuff! But at least it wasn't windy (bad segue). Now back inside and enjoying a cup of hot coffee, I thought I would share some thoughts wanting to escape my mind.

MEMES. They have a real definition, but I'll just say they are surveys where you give information about yourself. Some seem fun but most remind me of the monthly survey in my sister's Cosmopolitan magazine. They are big on blogs which this isn't so they don't come up here. But  a couple weeks ago I got "tagged" by sister Chris and I feel guilty for not doing my part and sharing "6 weird things about me". So here goes...

6 Weird Things About Me

I am only able to think of one. I can tell you lots of weird things about other people, but with most things that make up David, I can't label any of them as "weird". Just the same, I did discover on odd thing during the exercise. Every time I wanted to input my answers, I had an anxiety attack. I'm so anal, I spent way too many hours trying to come up with answers. In the end, the stress got to be too much and I had to move on. I'm hoping in sharing this one thing that I can fulfill my part of this meme theeng.

January 15, 2006

Okay, so I've been rather quiet lately. One of the nice things about this not being a "blog". I don't feel the stress to get something written on a regular basis. Mostly I just don't have anything interesting or insightful to talk about very often. Quite often this area is how I chose to express those fears, feelings and facts I'm too chicken to discuss in a conversational way. This usually has to do with my health and well-being. Otherwise, I only write when the spirit moves me and the words flow from me onto this page.

Christmas happened. Family convened at Geoff's this year. It was another great gathering. Pictures from that day can be viewed HERE. Santa brought me a digital camera which didn't arrive by Christmas.

Sister Sue turned 50 this year and we celebrated her birthday on the 27th. My camera still hadn't arrived, but you can see pics from that event HERE and for the next generations take on the evening, go HERE!

Bottom line is that December OH-SIX ended on such a high, all I can say is how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family around me.

A new year has begun. And finally my camera arrived. Not in time for the Rubio holidays, but on January 1st, I spent the afternoon with friends Dee and Shawn. Their son Josh was home from Boot-Camp and heading back east a couple of days later. It was on that day I first used the new camera.

Now a moment of politics. I've always been against this invasion and occupation of Iraq. It hurts me every time I hear of more deaths of our troops for such an insane purpose. And now I have even deeper resentment for our President and his administration because I have a face attached to this mad man's lunacy. Though Josh hasn't shipped out to Iraq yet, based on Mr. Bush's whims, it is likely this young man and many like him will soon be put in harm's way.

We are eleven days into 2007 and it is as good a time as any to remind my readers again of what I said years ago. George Bush is the most dangerous man on Earth at this time.

I want to close this update on a pleasant note. Greg and his boys came to visit on Sunday and we went over to McDonald's for some grub and play. I took my camera and got the shot seen here. After all the years I've been taking photographs, it is nice to know I can still kick out an touching moment when I try. Of course, I wish the sodas weren't in the shot, but hey, who notices them with dad and son the main focus of attention?

Happy New Year everybody. Let's hope it produces many magical moments and happiness in our lives.

January 11, 2007

"We all shine on."

The year was 1980. I was in my third year of marriage, going to college and working in a donut shop when I heard the news. John Lennon was shot and killed outside his New York home.

Lennon was always my favorite Beatle. Over the years I'm sure my reasons for that have morphed to the explanation I offer today.

He was viewed as the most philosophical, the most angry, the most troubled, and the most talented of the Fab Four. I think I can speak for my male siblings and state this is how we would describe ourselves and each other. John would've made a good Rubio in our household.

But as with most things, my point really doesn't have a point. Rather, my fragmented thoughts come here for release from my mind (where they are over-crowded and more fragmented). The one that stands out this December 8th has to do with time.

We are born into this world only to begin dying. But we don't count down our clock. Instead we count how long we last on this earth. And as a society we've developed benchmarks for our lives. A child begins this process as months (he's 18 months old). This ends with a new label, the "Terrible Twos". We then quietly celebrate the years until we become a teen (although we are now inserting a new time known as the "tweenies"). Then a lot happens in our human calendars. "Sweet
Sixteen", 18 is American's point of decision for one's future. At 21 we become "legal". 25 is "a quarter of a century" and on and on.

John Lennon was 40 when he died. I was but 22. My dad was 56 to the best of my knowledge. This is the time-line I find fascinating today. These "benchmarks" we set for our selves on a personal level.

Today, I am 48 and amazed when I think of John being only 40 when he died. When I was 22, the pedestal I had placed him on was huge. Like most of my idols, they tend to stay there. But then I realize I'm older now and still adding years to my life while my idols are mostly dead and never saw the downhill side of being 40-something. Feels strange to me.

When my dad was 40, he was finally done having children with my mom (sister Chris being born just 2 years earlier when he was 38). He was still in the real estate business and quite active on the social calendar. John Kennedy was assassinated the year before. When my dad was 40, I was only 6 years old and already a terror when ADD was called being a brat.

It was 1964 and the Beatles were starring in "A Hard Day's Night" and wooing the world with their music and charm. John Lennon turned 24 that year. When I was 24, I had already failed in an attempt to be a "rock star", failed in a marriage and would soon move to Portland Oregon to reinvent myself (something I would repeat more times than David Bowie).

So what is this all supposed to mean? I don't know. I just find myself thinking of what has been, where we are, and where we will be based on personal life experiences. For today, I raise a toast to John Lennon for all he gave and all I imagine he was going to give were it not for that fateful day 26 years ago.

December 8, 2006