St. Paddy's Day.  Doesn't do much for me. But it is a day of remembrance to me (and a few of my siblings as well). Sister-In-Law Robin comes to mind first. The early 70s next. And finally, Patches. (Then again, my memories could be wrong - was "Patches" his name before we changed it?)

We grew up in a home with no pets. No dogs, cats, rabbits, gerbils, fish, or even a fly ("I don't know why she swallowed the fly...perhaps she'll die"). So when Robin somehow convinced my folks that a cat would be good for us, all us kids were shocked and excited to finally have a pet of our own.

Jethro (as we called him - don't know why) was given today as his birthday. March 17^th. Saint Patrick's Day. Again, I don't know why - heck, maybe he was really born on this day.

My memories include him being one of the laziest animals I've ever met. Whatever the situation, he was gonna get through it looking "cool" the entire time. When he wasn't sleeping, he was walking casually around the house or waiting to go outside. He also had the quietest voice of any pet I've known - (made all the more enjoyable after the loud "Homer" came to live with us as well).

My only other memory of him is when he was strutting coolly out the door and the screen snapped shut and cut off a couple inches of his tail. I don't recall, but I bet he wasn't too quiet and cool over that one. Anyway - "Here's to you, Jethro" and "Thanks - Robin" for getting  pet past our parents.

That's it for today.                                                                                            March 17th, 2004

Today is Thursday and I still haven't finished the task. It happened last Friday! Needless to say, I've been looking for any "feel good" moments I could muster this week. That came on Wednesday.

Wednesday is usually the big shopping day of the week for me. But my freezer and cupboards were full leaving little shopping to do. What to do? Go for a drive. Ron taxied me down memory lane. It started with a ride into the Black Diamond Mines regional park. 25 years ago it was nothing more than abandoned mines and private ranch land. I would go out there on weekends to hike and "commune with nature". Corny as it sounds today - it was very relaxing to me in those days. Of course, this day there was no walking on my part. :)

After a little shopping, we ended up in a part of town that made the lunch decision simple. Realizing I was reminiscing for the day, I suggested demanded "Foster's Freeze" for lunch. This of course had to be just a burger, fries, soda and dipped cone for dessert. Ron asked for and they gave us "crinkle fries" and for me they over-cooked and over salted them just like I remember from my youth. The food was so filling, I didn't want a cone after all so we'll be going back for that another day.

By now Ron was getting into the who "history" thing seeing my enjoyment of the day. We were close to my old home so of course had to drive down Biglow drive. Amazing how the house looks. So many memories. The owner was returning home when we pulled up. He bought the place from our mother and remembered Sue and Chris helping mom cleanup before moving. This was almost as much fun as when Sue and I "trespassed" onto Grandma's property.

Well, after a "once around the lake" where I shared stories of my Uncle Johnny frightening us kids in his Morgan - and getting chased off trying to feed the fish (the folks who lived around the lake were very stuck-up). "Over there" was this and "Over there" was that came rushing forth out of me and I recalled that there were plenty of good times from my past.

Eventually, it was back home and back to the damn computer. Ron is now inspired to take his sister and go down their own "memory lane" in Richmond soon. It is good medicine for a stressed mind. Now back to reality.

February 27, 2004

After speaking with a doctor about the likelihood that the apnea could be causing the edema,  voice problems and chest pains; I had decided that it was time to have the surgery to open up my throat more to relieve some of the problems. We go to see the "Ears & Throat" surgeon for a consultation. "Ears" was this guy's specialty I think. When he entered the office, he must have assumed we were both hard of hearing. He spoke so LOUD, it was difficult to not laugh at him.

Once he finished checking out my ears, nose and throat, what he said killed any laughing I may have still retained at his loud voice. In his opinion, the surgery to cut away some of my palate would do little good for me. In fact, he didn't think it would help much if they not only removed some of my palate, but also my tonsils and a bit of tongue!

He made the obligatory recommendation for the CPAP machine again  (that medieval device that blows a hurricane down my throat) before saying the he considered the only option that could guarantee relief with the apnea... (hold your breath - no pun intended)

This doctor suggested a Tracheostomy! Excuse me? Are you kidding? He wasn't. Amazingly, looking on the internet shows that many people actually go to this extreme to help with the apnea. For myself, I'll still think about it!

February 7th, 2004

I'm currently in "redecorating" mode. This actually started a couple months ago - but I'm almost finished with the latest overhaul. Decorating to some is a matter of where to move the couch and what picture to switch on the wall; but to a gimp, it takes on a whole different meaning.

My world is shrinking. No, I'm not the "Incredible Shrinking Man" (one look at my girth will tell you that). Perhaps compress is a better term to use. As my body weakens, things too low or too high become major chores to take out and use. The solution? Bring my world into the MIDDLE. This includes everything from my bookcases (which I'm working on today) as well as all the cabinets in the kitchen. I've re-designed my dresser with those cute little plastic drawer things you buy at Wal-Mart. I put them on top of the dresser and they are now a perfect height for the time being. I still use the top drawers of the dresser but the bottom ones are now where I keep my sheets and towels. 

I can still stand so top shelves are not so difficult, but my home now resembles that of a "two-year-old's" home. You know, nothing of importance is below 30 inches from the floor. J

Okay, so I thought this was interesting. I guess in a way I am the "Incredible Shrinking Man".

January 30th, 2004

In fact, in the past year PAIN stayed under my senses radar much of the time laughing at me while I struggled with the expected diabetes and organ stresses culminating in an on-going bout of edema. The doctors concerned themselves with my breathing difficulties and saturating fluids to a degree that we didn't speak much about the PAIN.

Recently, though, the demon once again wanted center stage. Feeling neglected, it gathered itself and brought its focus on my bones and joints. PAIN. My old nemesis. PAIN. My old companion. During the last few months, PAIN has screamed its intentions on me. Once again, I am reminded of how I came to be in the position I am in all those years ago.

PAIN laughs at my paltry attempts to corral it back to my control with the morphine. During my sleepless nights, I can feel PAIN giggling inside of me as I try and try to find a suitable position that allows some rest and escape.

And like the approaching storm, I can feel PAIN getting closer. Stalking me in the shadows just waiting for the right moment. I know what it wants. With all the battles and triumphs it brags of, it still feels impotent against my last defense. It wants it all. My body has been defeated under its power; but my soul is not so tangible that it can succumb to PAIN. Don't get me wrong. I must keep my guard up at all times for it can feel my moments of weakness.

So for now we are at stalemate PAIN and I. And there are days (like today) when it is all I can do to distract my self from its power. The words here are today's medicine. And perhaps the pages I wrote years ago during the infancy of this journey, will again help to strengthen my soul for the next battle when PAIN rears it's head and storms my senses.

January 19th, 2004