Something that felt so strange just had to be shared with you

Something that felt so strange just had to be shared with you, the viewing audience. Who knows, this might be an alert to a future "collector's item".

I found The Running Man on sale for ten bucks and picked it up. Two disc special. Cool.

So last night I wanted to watch something but it was too late to watch the entire movie. I decided to check out some of the extras and what I found I have to question whether Arnold -er- Governor Schwarzenegger knows of this featurette on one of his movies. "Lockdown on Main Street" is a 25 minute attack on the Bush administration regarding the "Patriot Act" that went into law after the 9/11 events. What a gem to be given to me for buying our Republican Gov's DVD.

I don't know, it was odd to me last night...... hey - my words don't always reflect deep, soulful visions!

Oh and another 904 House (see below) Update - Denise is still in the house. The deal for the new one fell through.

July 9th, 2004

Ray Charles: On My Mind

No grand essay from me on this one. I'm still trying to find the words to express how intense this is to me. Again I am reminded of how strange the thoughts rattle around inside my mind. Not since John Lennon was shot 24 years ago has an artist's death hit me so deeply. When I got the news about John I remember calling my brother Geoff up in Portland 'cause he was the only person I could think of that might have felt as sad as me. This day, I can only talk to a photograph and say "thanks" for introducing Ray to my ears and soul. Thanks Dad. My love and respect for his music and life continued long after leaving Biglow Drive.

In a week when many are grieving and debating the worth of a former president, it is sad that all that hoopla won't go to a much more deserved individual. Long after the image of Bonzo fades from our memories, the music of Ray Charles will live on so we can remember his genius.

June 10^th. 2004

Caught on Tape

Film at Eleven

May 27th, 2004

What is the meaning of this? What appears to be a cute take on the PoCam is actually an example of what I've been trying to describe for so long as my "blackout moments". At first glance, it looks rather comical. "Good one, David. You spilled your coffee for all the internet world to see!"

So here is the moment by unknown moment story of the above photos. One minute I'm happily doing my morning crossword puzzle. The next thing I'm aware of is the phone ringing next to me. You would think that based on the second picture, I would have jumped from the hot coffee spilling all over my crossword, the table and myself. NOPE! I was "out". But the photo tells us more than just the obvious.

I've never captured one of these events to see later. I learned that I don't drop my face to sleep as we occasionally do at a table. I'm still out of it when that second photo was taken. Remember, it was the phone ringing that "woke me up". Here's what the pic tells me about myself.

I don't know how long I was out. The previous archived cam pic was at 8:02am, while the above shows a time of 8:20. So somewhere in between those times this happened.
Since there is no blur in the pic, I obviously wasn't jumping to get away from the mess I caused. In fact, the amount of coffee on the newspaper suggest that the spill occurred sooner than just before the camera shot the pic.
I must be going nuts to do such things to myself unknowingly. But I'm not ready to be put away somewhere!

So that's all I wanted to discuss tonite. I needed to explain the strange cam pics before getting quizzed about them from my sisters. It also allowed me to share this incredible timing that shows proof of my odd blackouts. Time goes by that I can't account for. Most times its just innocent "fun". Other times its troubling. Last week we moved the furniture around in the bedroom to allow me more "fall down" room. The closet door can't take any more collisions with my falling body.

Life is just a constant series of adjustments. And lately, I've been experiencing more than normal.

904 - The Story

So here is the story in a nutshell. I very nearly found myself returning a Rubio to the infamous "Rubio Estates" at 904 I Street. But it appears it wasn't meant to be. I have to admit a bit of relief for that and yet, a little saddened to not return to the home that has so much history for the Rubios.

Now for a bit more information. About a year ago, I was going through some receipts for The Mission Church (I was the "volunteered bookkeeper" for the homeless organization) when I ran across a large payment for a water bill. Written on the paper was "904 I St.". I asked and was told it was an Antioch address. "Grandma's house"! We had paid a past-due water bill for the woman living there. What are the odds?

Soon after that I introduced myself to the Denise and her kids asking if I could sometime come in and take some pictures of the old homestead to share with my family. I found out that the property had changed hands a few times since my dad sold it in the early 80s and that it was currently being made available to welfare housing known here as Section 8. I use this service and realized that it could be me living once again at the address.

We kept in touch over the next year and although I gave Denise and her family special attention when various donations came in, I never took advantage of the invite to go inside. Jump ahead to about a month ago when I finally did go inside to take some pictures and tell her some of the history of the place. The few I took are included on the scrapbook page for the home. I told Denise how happy I was that she was the one living there since another tenant might not be as sociable towards me. As well, I wouldn't want the house to be back on the rental market else I would have to consider trying to move in.

A couple days after my last visit, I got a phone call telling me that Denise would be moving out and into a bigger home within the next 2 months. Uh-oh, what to do? What to do? I must admit that for every plus I could come up with, there were 5 reasons I would hate living in that home ever again. But the way things were going down, perhaps I was meant to live there. Well, I decided to give it a shot and see what might happen. I mean, from that little water bill that fell into my lap, to keeping in touch with the current tenant, the odds have already gone way beyond any "long-shot" bet I would put money on. And it wasn't gonna get any easier.

For me to get the place, many things had to happen.

The owner would have to agree to lower the rent so I would qualify for it.
Denise had to get approved to move out and into the bigger home.
Housing had to agree that I could live there safely given my physical limitations.

Big hurdles, but if all these things went my way, I would give it up that I should leave my modern apartment to move into "This VERY Old House". Because of the slim chance of my moving there, I didn't say a word to my family about this.

Well, after a couple nice conversations with the owner, I was told that she was looking for more than I could afford in rent. I told her to keep my number in case she has trouble renting it and made sure she understood the history of the house and my family. So now I could let others know of my attempts and realized I had better get back in there and take as many photos as I could of the place since I might not have another chance to do so. As well I asked the downstairs renter if I could take pictures there as well (it is rented as a separate apartment) and the images I got are in the scrapbook page of this site.

Yet another chapter in the oh so strange life of David. This is Rod Serling signing off.

May 11th, 2004

It's STILL about the music.
This is a little flashback that was intended for my brother Steven's blog, but I wanted to include a couple of pics which I couldn't do over there. What an odd day it was back in '75. Gary Wright's "Dream Weaver" had become a big hit; Fleetwood Mac and Peter Frampton were about to reach "super-stardom"; Dave Mason was struggling for identity; and Robin Trower (although a personal favorite) was the headliner for some reason. At the time it was the weakest Day on the Green lineup but what the hell, you were still expected to go. :)

My only memories of the day are that Frampton stole the show and Trower took a long time to get onstage. But then, I continued to see Trower and never saw Frampton live again.

What this really reminds me of is a summer of tie-dye, candle making, The Tubes, Trower, and Frampton on the stereo.

April 23^rd, 2004

"It's all about the music."
Last month saw the passing of my 46^th birthday. Wow. All I can think of now is that I'm nearly 50! Holy cow. It's funny how we fall into the "what if" traps. Because we only go so far as inserting a single "what if" into our current life without thinking of the full repercussion of how one item would've changed our entire lives and that we wouldn't be in the same position we find ourselves in today. A simple example of this is when I miss driving. "What if" I were still driving. That would be cool. I could go fishing whenever I wanted. Get to my doctor appointments by myself. Not need the bus to get around town. But in reality, if I were still driving, it would mean I didn't have this disease. And if that were the case, I would likely be working still. It is doubtful I would be living in Antioch. And on and on... you get the idea. Just a thought.

Nearly 50. I have to say, this birthday hit me harder than most of them. So I acted on it like most men do in my condition...I went out and bought some "manly" thing I didn't really need! A surround sound system for my small apartment living room! J

So I just deleted a bunch of boring talk about my rationalization for making the purchase and will cut to the quick on why I'm writing of the event. But of course, I must first digress to a similar circumstance. A few years back I had my speakers restored to new shape. Like when you get a new pair of glasses, I hadn't realized how much I was missing from my music due to the sorry state of my speakers. Everything sounded new again and my emotions were elevated once more even though the songs were the same. This has happened again.

Replacing the receiver fixed all the problems I've been having lately with the system. The biggest is the left channel is back and the music is again driving instead of floating. I'm hearing things as new again and the music is bringing about goose bumps to my skin. The point of all this is that I'd taken for granted how important music is to my life. I'd forgotten just how medicinal and therapeutic a melody can be.

Looking over these last paragraphs, I realize I just can't seem to put into words just how important music is for my soul. It is a shame that I can't. Because the euphoria it allows is something I wish everyone could share. I can only hope that you can understand such a passion within your self. Then these words will make sense to you.

April 13th, 2004

This time I'm determined to get some of these things outta my system. Its been months since the last time I was able to spit out some of the psyche that is David. Time and again I started to write about one subject or another but always managed an excuse to sidetrack my thoughts. Like this rambling about wanting to write instead of getting to it!

On thing jumping around inside is my attachment to my past. Not just "the" past but the selfish id of David. I joke regarding my family's personal DVD collections when it comes to television shows. There's "The Sopranos" and "Six Feet Under". I can count on borrowing another season of "Buffy" when it comes out and then there's me. This comes out today because of the gift that came in the mail. A birthday present from Steven. But I'll get to that shortly since it is what has prompted me to share this bit of myself (among other things that are sure to fascinate and/or bore you).

I, too, collect box sets of television along with my other DVDs. What differs is that I collect shows from my childhood. Dark Shadows, Gilligan's Island and such. While my siblings are enjoying current or near current series, my DVD player is spewing out B&W episodes from the early 60s. Is my obsession with my past what is of interest to me here? Nope. What I find most fascinating is that I figure it says something about the psychological makeup of myself compared to my siblings and others. Fascinating because what it says I have no clue. But somehow I dwell on it in my over-thinking life.

So what is the kicker in all this? Well, today there arrived a DVD collection of a show produced in the 90s! Finally, I can say I don't just watch television from my youth. This should be enough to relax my paranoia about Freudian things, but it only adds to it. You see, the box set I'm so excited to have is a short-lived series called "Freaks & Geeks". What is it about you ask? Those awkward teenage years we all experience. Again, my interest comes back around to my own past! da-dum-dum

Okay, topic number 2 on the "I don't want to talk about it" list. Health update.

I am now into my 8th year of "retirement". Which means I've gotten familiar with what is happening to me at this time. Which means I've been ignoring and hiding it for a few months from friends and family. Which means its time for the doctors again. Which means I first must confess it publicly so as to be pressured into acting on it. This whole cycle should be concluded by summer I think. J

While the disease is degenerative, so too are the subsequent problems it has brought on. My bones continue to shrink, my muscles to weaken, my organs to erode away within me. As this happens, I get through it with the help of medicine and prayer. In other words, as the pain increases throughout my body, I either mentally or medicinally become accustomed to the new level and life goes on. There are, of course, times when I can no longer mentally subside the pain. Times I call "a new threshold". This is when I see the doctors and we find some knew chemical way to make life bearable. I have been standing before this "ledge" for a while now and can no longer pull off looking "happy" and "content" around others. This has gone so far as to wear a long sleeve shirt to hide from my siblings a huge bruise I acquired from a fall one night.

What issues am I dealing with this time? Pain has gotten intense in my joints. From my toes to my fingers, from my knees to my shoulders, mobility has gotten very difficult at times. I see using the wheelchair even more at home. My "dizzy spells" or "faintings" as bet to be described are getting all too frequent. Is it the apnea? And the edema has grown out of my legs to include my arms now. At the rate its spreading I should make a nice fountain centerpiece in a couple of years. J

All of this simply means having to adjust my lifestyle yet again. Cut back on activities I've come to enjoy and volunteer work that gives this life purpose. In other words, it is depressing to say the least.

Which is to say that I'm confident the outcome will be just as similar as these bouts with "threshold" are. I just need time to adjust to yet another "new me". Maybe it makes sense that I have such a focus for younger years when my body wasn't my enemy (well... not the same way at least!).

Whew - glad I got that out. There is so much more, but my fingers need rest. Hopefully I can vent again soon rather then keeping it in as long as this has been inside.

April 6th, 2004