TESTIMONIAL (As spouse and caregiver):

Tomorrow is never promised!  While this is known by most of us, we fail to acknowledge or act upon this fact unless, through event, it is thrust before us in bitter reality; and often times there lies no opportunity to take corrective action, at least not for the afflicted.  But therein lies the opportunity for the rest of us.   

By nature, I am a planner, a controller, a constructor of foundations of which I then use to build upon, towards some other goal ...... usually much further into the future.  In many cases, most in fact, this process involves sacrifice of the present for gain in the future.  As you can foresee, there is an inherent problem with this line of action.  I am not about to tell you that long range planning and goal achievement is negative in any way, quite the contrary in fact.  I truly believe that one must be willing to see past the need for immediate gratification for the return of some future reward.  However, as so often is the case, we forget so many of those cliches that we have come to know over the years:  ..stop and smell the roses, it isn't the destination but the journey, and of course now, tomorrow is never promised.

Being very cerebral, painfully so in fact, I thought I had a firm grasp on what life was about, how to have fun, and how to prepare for having even more fun later.   After all, my personal goal in life was to "have as much fun as possible, and take my family with me".  Most of all, I vowed not to take things for granted.  True to my words above, I sacrificed many a thing, a trip, a gift, a display of emotion, either out of lack of time, conscious effort, cost, or some other reasoned approach.  It is only now, when threatened with the loss of that which I hold most dear, that my bitter reality has materialized.  How wrong I have been.  Perhaps misstated, better put, how misguided an approach.  Like I said earlier, planning and the concept of future value are very important fundamentals, especially in a relationship, but the things that are truly most important are in those tired cliches that we repeat, but don't take to heart. Furthermore, those same things have such little cost, either in time or money.  What hurts most is that while I have now learned these lessons, I may not get the opportunity to share them, experience them, with the one who has been sacrificed so that I might learn them.  

I have found simple, tremendous, value in a sunrise on the drive to work.  I have discovered the simple pleasure and power in the feeling of the light mist of water hitting my face from my sprinklers as they shower my lawn.  I have learned how insignificant, in reality, we really are while laying on my lawn at midnight watching for shooting stars.  I have learned about the true effects of a hug, not out of casual routine, but out of love or caring.   I now fully understand the impact and senselessness of the statement "not right now honey" or "maybe tomorrow".

Perhaps just as important as those personal realizations are the the realizations that I now understand about the teamwork present in a well-functioning marriage.  While there will always exist a certain amount of stubborn pride, ego, and individual martyrdom in every marriage, we take for granted, or ignore altogether, those traits or functions that our mate possesses or performs.  I would offer that a good marriage finds two individuals naturally filling the needed roles out of instinct, personal skill or ability, or perhaps even societal stereotypes.  But even being one to acknowledge, at least in mind, everything that Megan did/does, it is now painfully obvious to me how blind I was to so many other facets of her role.  What is truly amazing to me is just how evident they now are, whereas before they were unseen, or more aptly put, unacknowledged.  This is not to say that Megan provided more, or less, to our 'team' but instead, to highlight the fact that even though I felt I acknowledged all of her strengths and abilities, I hadn't even scraped the surface.  And while those traits that I did acknowledge are important, no more so than those I failed to see, and fewer by far.

My only real prayer is that I get the opportunity to share these realizations with Megan once again.

I am an optimist by nature as well, and while within this process I have no optimism, I am not without a healthy supply of hope.  I have personally found optimism to be too dangerous, even for myself whom I thought could handle anything, any event, any obstacle.  This has been the most tremendous learning experience of my life, many times that of the fire that Megan and I experienced while in Utah in 1994.  When Megan and I moved to Utah in 1993, I promised her a life of happiness, devotion, and fun .......... not of fires and leukemia.  I am not sure why we have been chosen to walk this path; perhaps for some level of higher understanding or education.  We have learned much, but this lesson may cost too much and its teachings may ultimately fall upon myself alone.  I do believe that life's lessons are weighted equally with the the challenge that they require and each of us must each make the choice of whether to accept the lesson or deny it.  I choose to accept, whatever the cost.

We may not be able to control the events in our lives, but we can control how we react to them.  Inability to control them is a medical condition that needs treatment.  One does not need to be a control freak to control reaction.  This isn't to say that we don't have moments or episodes of loss of control, but utlimate control must take place over a longer period of time.  As Megan and I have reaffirmed throughout her illness, "we will not allow Leukemia to define our existence".  Given the severity of the illness and the potential negative outcome, it is difficult sometimes to believe that we have not somehow been defined by it, but like that of controlling your reaction to events, ultimately, definition occurs over a longer period of time as well.  So while leukemia may define our existence for periods of time, some shorter, some longer, ultimately it is up to each of us to ensure that we do not allow it to ultimately define us.
I could not hope to offer any insight as to how to prevent this from happening to anyone else, regardless of the event, because I feel that each individual approaches situations differently, with different strategies and tactics, that utlimately determine whether the individual defines the event, or vice-versa.  

What I do offer is that objective self-analsysis is absolutely necessary if an individual is to successfully define a potentially life changing event.  So many of us defend ourselves from the truth of a situation, what we are feeling, what we are experiencing and how we are reacting.  In that defense of those actions and feelings are the justifications for "why".  Fear or denial of the truth, for whatever reason, behind what we are feeling goes a long way to allowing an event in your life to define you as opposed to the reverse ...... at least in my opinion.  We must face the fact that we are jealous, we are scared, we are angry, or any other number of feelings that have very powerful reactions bound to them.  Without true objective acknowledgement of what our true feelings are, how are we supposed to act upon them in a way that is conducive to resolution, both for ourselves and those around us.  

This week I am extremely scared, sad, guilt ridden, angry and a host of other feelings .... and this week I am defined.  But I know in the end, whatever the outcome, I will define.

I have so much that I want to share, feel the need to share, but this is not the place for it.  Tonight I felt the need because I do, we do, feel blessed for all of the friends and supporters that are by our side, both near and far, family and friends, known and unknown.  I feel I have so little to offer others right now when we have received so much from you, that I hope in some way, any way, my testimonial here will make you at least think for a second what you take for granted, what events are defining you, and what you are truly thankful for that, for whatever reason, you haven't shared with those close to you.  As homework, I want you to act upon whatever it is you take from this testimonial and share it with someone close to you.  In that action, I will at least feel like I have made some difference in your life in return for the love and support you have given us.  If you like, I would love to hear what your realizations are. Please feel free to share them via email (link is on the left).  Perhaps I will share your thoughts on this page as your testimonial as well.  If you don't want them printed just let me know in the email, and please be honest.  If you wish, please forward this on to others so that they too might be able to benefit and share their results.

I will leave you with something that happened just twenty minutes ago with my almost three-year-old daughter, a very short conversation that made my entire week for some odd reason.  When I asked her "Do you know how much Daddy loves you?" she matter of factly answered "25".

The power of children is stronger than any other to my knowledge.  And the true beauty of this power is that they do not know that they possess it.

Carpe Diem

Primary
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