THANKS FOR THE BLUE THINGS

THE LEBANON CITY COUNCIL

By

Jimmy Joe Meeker

First Published in The Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 1, No. 27 ©December 10, 1991 by Donald W. Gillette

Great. Sunday night at 11:30, no bourbon, one cigar left, and I remember that I haven't written my City Council article yet. Hell, I haven't even watched the tape of the last meeting. It's going to be a long night.

Well, at least there's plenty of beer and the cigar is one of those long, wet ones that burn forever, so on to professional reporting. Someone once told me that the Indian word for innkeeper is patel. That's real Indian, not Native American Indian. I don't know if there's any truth in this, but it would explain why every motel owner in this country is named Mr. Patel. Which brings me to my first City Council topic: Some people named Patel are planning on building a new motel near the Chum's Market and they want the Council to waive the requirement to install a sprinkler system in the place. Mr. Patel (not Mr. Patel the innkeeper, but his brother Mr. Patel, the innkeeper) explained that the motel would have no corridors and that each room would open to the outside; therefore, he reasoned, there would be no need for a sprinkler system.

And the Titanic was unsinkable, so there was no need for life jackets. The Council put Patel's request on the back burner (if you'll pardon the expression) for some ghastly, unholy reason, but if there's any decency left in any of them, and if no money passes under the table, they'll deny this guy's request at the earliest opportunity. I don't think that even Don Fox is tough enough to stomach the thought of being haunted for the rest of his life by a hundred scorched and dripping corpses burned to death because there was no sprinkler system at the inn.

Next on the agenda, there was a free-for-all about bids. Bids are a big deal in the city lately with departments getting them without permission from the Council which seems to be okay with them or with departments getting permission from the Council first and then getting bids which seems to be okay with them, too, and if I don't stop this sentence now, I'll be barred from lecturing in every English Department in this state.

The Council also talked about Lebanon's flooding problem at some length during this meeting and they decided that we have one. The City doesn't do anything to fix it, but the Council is aware of it.

They could start fixing it tomorrow and in three hundred years, Lebanon will still have a flooding problem.

Look around, folks. Lebanon is located right smack in the middle of a basin. When it rains for seven days and nights, what the hell can we expect? Cleaning out Town Creek was a start, but in order to take care of all the water, we'd have to blast Town Creek back into the Stone Age and dig a canal from here to the Atlantic. The best we can hope for is sticking our fingers in the dike.

And if I hear another word about those blue things growing mysteriously in the middle of the road, I'm going to go out some night and surreptitiously paint them all green.

Yes, there were a good idea. Yes, they help ambulances and fire trucks find houses. Yes, yes, yes. Now…can the City Council quit patting themselves on the back and quit stroking the public works department about the damned things? We don't have visible lines down the middle of streets so we can tell if you're coming or going, but we've got little blue things coming out of our ears. Enough.

And please, somebody put some lights up around the Interstate somewhere so Councilman Fred Burton can stop asking about them. Every meeting he asks and every meeting they tell him the lights will be up soon. Don't buy into it Fred. They're not going to put up any lights. They're lying to you.

Did everyone in the City know that the public works department has been under a lot of stress lately? They have. And since the $39.37 gift certificate they all get at Christmas isn't enough, every Council member is supposed to thank the employees individually. At least I think they are. That annoying buzz on TV-11 obliterated the exact words, so I can't be sure. That place is a television station like this rag is a newspaper.

So, that wraps up last week's City Council meeting. The cigar is gone but there are two bottles of Heineken left in the cooler. I'll save them for breakfast.

And this doesn't have anything to do with the City Council, but I have one more topic. The Broadway Dinner Train. I don't know who the people are who ride on that thing, but I have a message for them: Don't wave to me anymore while I'm stuck on the bypass waiting for your train to clear the road. It could get ugly.

No one here gets out alive.

XXX