By

Jimmy Joe Meeker

Attention, Lebanon Democrat: You drew first blood.

The gloves are coming off.

We reported that you printed a homo newspaper called Query.

You do. You print it every Thursday. It wasn't a lie. It was the truth. Now, I'm damned sorry you didn't like having your dirty laundry exposed, but we printed the facts.

But did you filthy, scum-sucking weasels really thing you could put The Wilson County Advocate out of business by taking a cheap shot at us in your Wednesday edition?

Or was it your Thursday edition? Hell, who can tell? Two weeks ago, your Friday edition said "Friday" on the front page and "Thursday" on the rest of the pages. Nice editing, guys. You're really on top of things.

Anyway, I talked to the District Attorney's office about your story. There is no investigation going on concerning The Wilson County Advocate. You lied. Just like always, you printed what you wanted to, and the truth be damned.

Your miserable, half-baked excuse for a staff writer contradicted himself within two column inches. He reported, "An investigation is underway into…", etc., etc. and then, four sentences later, he said, "District Attorney General Tommy Thompson…declined to confirm or deny that his department is investigating the situation."

Which is it, you cheap, twisted, little punk? Did you think your readers were too stupid to realize you printed a blatant lie right on the front page? Whatever they pay you, it's too much.

I swear, if the sight of a grown man wetting his pants didn't disgust me, I'd challenge you to a fist fight.

And your constant referral to The Wilson County Advocate as an "opinion sheet" was really brutal. Our staff cried like small children when we read that. Stop, you're killing me. Please don't dignify The Advocate by calling it a newspaper--that would really piss me off.

As everyone in Wilson County knows, a real newspaper (like yours) has one or two local stories and about seventeen national stories lifted for the wire service about bell towers in unknown places and guys in Biloxi, Mississippi who write bad checks. Real newspapers (like yours) have an editorial page filled with crap from Washington that nobody cares about because their editors don't want to take the time to research and write about local issues; someone might get angry and cancel a subscription.

Real newspapers claim, on their stationery, that they report "exclusively" on Lebanon and Wilson County news.

Moron.

Let me give you some advice. I was writing books while your mother was kicking your ass up the school bus steps and, drawing from my experience, I can safely tell you that any hopes you had for advancing to an honest-to-God newspaper have gone the way of the polyester leisure suit.

But call me if you need help. I'm not like the rest.

Immediately after the first issue of The Wilson County Advocate, Councilman Don Fox wrote a letter to the editor of The Democrat condemning our newspaper (or "opinion sheet, whichever you prefer). Next day, we got twenty-six subscriptions.

Now, you vile, foul mongrels publish this undisguised, blatant attack and we get another twenty-seven subscriptions. We also get calls from The Nashville Tennessean, The Nashville Banner, and Channel 4 News. They all want to do a story on the "alternative news source for Wilson County."

You've really crapped in the ol' cornflakes now, fellas.

Oh, yeah, we also had five private citizens call. They want to help us out with donations.

There is one important aspect of this that I need to bring to light: Henry Clay Barry, publisher of The Wilson County Advocate, and Ernie Chandler, the editor, will not take bribes.

But I will.

See, I'm not a reporter; I'm a columnist.

Facts mean nothing to me.

No one here gets out alive.

XXX