WHEREAS a marriage is contemplated in the immediate future between ___________, hereinafter designated as THE HUSBAND, and _____________hereinafter designated as THE WIFE, and they desire, in anticipation of such marriage, and for the purpose of ensuring a tranquil, harmonious, and decorous relationship, to fix and determine various rights, procedures, and penalties governing the conduct and resolution of all disputes and quarrels, whether they be expressed verbally, physically, or by innuendo, which may occur between them during the course of the marriage.
NOW, THEREFORE, it is hereby agreed:
1. All complaints pertaining to the apportionment, performance, or nonperformance of labor associated with the maintenance of a household inhabited by THE HUSBAND and THE WIFE shall be confined to specific charges and substantiated by evidence that a bona fide inequity exists in relation to household labor that has actually been performed by complainant, as construed in terms of a mathematical computation taking into account factors of difficulty, time expenditure, and time value, the latter being measured by a hypothetical application of THE HUSBAND's or THE WIFE's gross hourly wage to each hour of performed household labor.  All charges must be presented with a five minute time frame and at a loudness no greater than one and one half times normal conversational volume.  If, during the course of discussion, one party concedes to another, an apology will be forthcoming.  If the apology is not delivered in a timely or good-natured fashion, or such apology is qualified, appended, colored, or supplanted by references to an issue, or issues of contention existing outside the scope of household labor--specifically:  sex, income, personal habits, temperament, and physical appearance--the newly introduced issue shall immediately supervene and quash the previous topic of discussion subjecting the accusor to use of (a) third party comparisons to earning power, physical appearance, or (b) direct or implied coercion, duress, or threats related to denial of sexual congress shall result in forfeiture of all charges made against the accused, while granting to him or her an option to elevate his or her speaking volume to treble the previously permissible level, as well as signify implied consent on the part of the complainant to be struck at any point upon his or her person by the accused with his or her hand, being in an open position.  Should such a blow cause perceptible laceration to the complainant, he or she may equip him or her self with an object not in excess of twenty-five pounds with which to provide self defense.  At no point within this or any other portion of the dispute may either party employ the use of deadly force, specialty firearms, cleavers, hatchets, fireplace tools, vases, her mother's china, and other missiles, engines or devices of a lethal nature.
2.  All complaints emanating from, or related to, adulterous or otherwise consummate acts of infidelity, genuine or supposed, shall, in accordance with conditions enunciated in Paragraph One, be delivered in a clear manner, supported in each and every instance by documents, third-party eyewitness accounts, photographs, mathematical calculations, electronic recordings or other such direct facts as may be reasonably interpreted to justify the allegations.  Alien chemical fragrances upon the person of the accused, unexplained telephonic communication between the accused and unidentified third parties, irregularity of behavior, or other routine evidence shall not lie on its own merit.
3. A formal system for the appeal and arbitration of disputes between THE HUSBAND and THE WIFE is hereby established, wherein three independent third parties may be impaneled for the purpose of rendering binding arbitration, one member of the panel to be selected by THE HUSBAND, one member by THE WIFE, and a third member to be appointed by a council comprised of three immediate blood relatives of THE HUSBAND, three immediate blood relatives of THE WIFE, and three residents of the proximate neighborhood.
4. All provisions of this agreement shall be suspended and inapplicable when either THE HUSBAND or THE WIFE or both of them have been under the influence of spirituous liquors for a period in excess of five days; when THE WIFE has been advised by a physician that she is in need of a partial or complete hysterectomy, and for a period of not more than six months subsequent to the accomplishment of such procedure; or when THE HUSBAND or THE WIFE has fully and sufficiently proved a case of infidelity against each other, in which instance this agreement shall become null and void for the duration of the marriage.