News Briefs by Jimmy Joe Meeker

News Briefs
By
Jimmy Joe Meeker

Ideally, the News Briefs were nothing more than an actual news story with a smart-ass headline, so if people didn't read the story first and then the headline, they often missed the joke. It took some people a year to figure that out. Others will never figure it out--Wilson County Circuit Court Clerk Jimmy Carter Martin, for one. All kidding aside, when I look in that guy's eyes, I see a dump truck rolling down the street with no one behind the wheel.

WORTH EVERY PENNY Lebanon Cablevision sent a letter to its customers last week explaining that since they installed a generator at their office, cable fees would increase from between 50 cents to $1 every month. Tune in this week to catch such blockbusters as "Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry" or the Academy Award winner, "Boffo the Dog." Better yet, buy an antenna and tell them to go to hell.

SCHOOL SYSTEM BLAMELESS The Wilson County School system gave each county commissioner a letter explaining that there were not at fault for not paying the county school system's food services director her $3,900 a year supplement over the past six years. The school system claimed that the $2 million shortfall, the ouster, school board elections, and some personnel changes were so damned difficult for them to cope with that they couldn't even remember their names.

FATHER FLANAGAN SAID "THERE ARE NO BAD BOYS" BUT HE DIDN'T LIVE HERE Jim Allen, a 15-year old Lebanon High School student, fired a pistol at a witness who tried to break up an armed robbery being committed by Allen and an accomplice. The two victims of the robbery were also students at Lebanon High.

THE BUCK STOPS HERE...NO, WAIT A MINUTE, IT STOPS OVER HERE...NO... Lebanon Mayor Bobby Jewell said last week that the Lebanon pigeon poisoning incident was the fault of the old Tex Maddox administration. Lebanon attorney William Farmer, city attorney under Maddox, issued a statement that said, in kinder words, "bullshit".

THE CHIPPENDALE CALENDAR DROVE HER TO IT Angela J. Moore, 26, of Nashville, pled guilty to the statutory rape of a 16-year old boy at the Wilson County Youth Ranch.

THAT ONE SENTENCE SAYS IT ALL Lebanon dentist Stan Brady received a plaque last week for designing the new logo for the Tennessee Alcoholic Beverage Commission. In accepting his award, Dr. Brady noted, "My dad knows the director."

THAT WORKS OUT TO ABOUT $23.20 AFTER HIS NEW TAXES Chelsea Clinton turned 13 last week, which makes her the first teenager in the White House since George Stephanopolous. According to inside sources, Chelsea's birthday gift from her father, President Bill Clinton, was a $50 bill.

PRESIDENT PRAISES SKIERS The five skiers who were rescued last week after 5 days without food, water, or heat were congratulated by the president yesterday. In his remarks, Clinton said their survival proved that people can make it through his new tax plan.

THIS GUY USED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SINGLE MOTHERS - NOW HE IS ONE Marilyn Quayle took a job last week with an Indiana law firm; however, she and her husband, former Vice President Dan Quayle, will continue to reside in Washington. Mrs. Quayle will commute to work two days a week leaving Dan with cooking, cleaning, and child care.

"REAGAN BANDIT" STRIKES SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA A burglar wearing a Ronald Reagan mask held up three banks in Southern California last week. At first, bank officials failed to report the robberies claiming the money taken was so much less than they lost under the real Ronald Reagan they didn't want to complain. Police officials speculate that the burglar's partner, wearing a Nancy Reagan mask, was the mastermind behind the thefts.

RULE NUMBER ONE: IF YOU DIE, YOU LOSE A professor at the National Sports Medicine Center in Lowell, Massachusetts said last week that bungee jumping should not be classified as a sport because it has no rules.

WORLD TRADE CENTER TERRORISM After a bomb damaged one of the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City last week, terrorists around the globe were given maps to the Wilson County Courthouse.

AL GORE President Clinton's address to both houses of congress last week led many observers to ask, "What do you call those things that sit behind you in the back of the car and nod their heads constantly?"

WALK! During the first part of his address, Clinton told the nation he was taking us on a new national journey. In the second portion of the speech, he said the price of gasoline would "most likely" increase.

MARION BARRY - SALESMAN OF THE YEAR Former Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Barry sold his car last week after it had been stolen by drug dealers and returned. He said he didn't want the car anymore, so he took $14,200 for it. Local dealers said it was a fantastic buy because the car had a street value of almost a quarter million dollars.

IF YOU'RE SERVING TWENTY TO LIFE, WHAT'S THE RUSH? McDonalds announced last week that it plans to open franchises of its fast food restaurants in prisons.

ONE SHOW FEATURES MR. McFEELEY AND THE OTHER IS MR. McFEELEY Mister Rogers, PBS's children's show, celebrated its 25th anniversary last week. In related news, last week marked Sen. Robert Packwood's 25th year in the Senate.

A NEW CAREER AS AN ELVIS IMPERSONATOR Watertown Police Chief Joe Hall turned in his resignation to Mayor Mike Jennings last week.

JAMES FRANCIS WEPT Arnold Schwarzenegger announced last week that he has no plans to continue his successful move venture by starring in "Terminator III".

COACH FRANCIS SAID I DONE GOOD Geoff Mason, a Lebanon High School basketball star, is scheduled to appear in court on Feb. 22 for a preliminary hearing on assault charges.

I'M HERE TO FIX THE TOILET Charlie Donnel, 49, was shot by a homeowner last week while trying to break into the man's house.

GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT The Financial Management Committee of the Wilson County Commission appears ready to choose state auditor Ron Gilbert as the new county Finance Director.

HOW ABOUT SOME CASH FOR VOICE LESSONS? Circuit Court Clerk Jimmy Carter Martin got a writ of mandamus against the Wilson County Commission last week in order to buy office supplies for his department. The commission did not fund the expenditure this year.

A STOP SIGN WOULD LOOK GOOD OVER THE COUCH, DON'T YOU THINK SALLY JO? Wilson County Road Superintendent Val Kelley announced last week that the county has spent $10,000 since July replacing stolen traffic and street signs.

MORE CLOWNS THAN BARNUM AND BAILEY At last count, three people were interested in the Mayor job in Lebanon, seven people want to be Mt. Juliet's mayor, and Terry Ashe wants to be both.

NEXT TIME, GUYS, DO US ALL A FAVOR A jobless man carrying a pistol begged Lebanon Police and Wilson County Sheriff's Deputies to kill him last week at the Beer Barrel. The officers were able to subdue him without firing a shot.

AND THE CHECK'S IN THE MAIL A Watertown man was arraigned last week for forcing an ex-girlfriend to perform oral sex on him at knifepoint. The man alleges the girl and he had a deal that she would do it if he promised not to ejaculate in her mouth.

ALL THOSE WHO FEEL THEY'RE WASTING THEIR TIME HERE, RAISE YOUR HANDS There will be a public hearing on the proposed Cedar Grove private landfill on January 26 at the Ward Agricultural Center.

AND FOUR OF FOUR GO RIGHT BACK THE NEXT DAY The American Cancer Society claims that one in four smokers participate in their annual SmokeOut day.

WE HOPE HE DIDN'T GET THE SAME ONE WE DID President Bush said Saddam Hussein got the message after the last round of bombings in Iraq.

BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW GREAT THE DRILL TEAM WILL BE? President Bill Clinton this week affirmed his plans to allow homosexuals to serve in the military. Pentagon brass, however, still oppose the concept calling it "dangerous."

GO AHEAD, MAKE MY OLD AGE Sen. Robert Dole predicted last week that Democrats in the Senate would cave in to political pressure and refuse to trim Social Security benefits to cut the deficit.

WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM AN OLD WHITE BITCH? Major league baseball's Executive Council Wednesday voted unanimously to suspend Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott for one year and fine her $25,000. The council affirmed its conclusion that Schott imposed "substantial disrepute and embarrassment" on baseball by using racial and ethnic slurs. The council did not break its meeting until Schott agreed to comply with the terms.

THAT DAMNED MADONNA WILL KILL ME YET The New England Journal of Medicine released a study Thursday that says some of our most action packed dreams come right before we wake up. And that might be a reason heart attacks occur more often in the early morning, researchers say. Periods of intense dreaming cause the heart to speed up, the blood pressure to climb, and stress hormones to their limit.

LAST TIME, THEY STOCKED UP AFTER THE TRIAL Police in Los Angeles are urging citizens to lay in a supply of food and water in anticipation of another riot following the verdict in Rodney King's federal civil rights trial.

AT LEAST MARGE SCHOTT HAS A JOB TO FALL BACK ON Shoney's has agreed to pay thousands of employees, former employees, and job applicants $105 million to end a class-action lawsuit alleging racial discrimination. Last week, a federal judge approved the settlement. Thursday, lawyers in the case held a news conference to discuss the suit and its effects. Shoney's has also submitted to an affirmative action program. Among goals: 23 percent black managers by 1998.

"OH, BILL," SHE PURRED, "I THINK I HEARD A CLICK" "I was amazed," President Clinton said when he discovered he'd inherited a phone system so old that "anybody could pick up the button I was talking on anywhere in the White House and listen in." Clinton, who can avoid eavesdroppers by using a secure phone, has ordered the system updated.

SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER The Wilson County Commission began its meeting last week prior to sunset. Thirty-three commissioners arrived in broad daylight and claim to have seen their shadows on the way up the courthouse steps.

ANIMAL LOVER OF THE YEAR General Session Judge Haywood Barry explained that he drove his car into a ditch and took out 140 feet of fence to avoid hitting a dog.

GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT OF THE YEAR In 1992, Sheriff Terry Ashe told the media that he eats the food served in the Wilson County Jail every day.

YOU ARE. I'M NOT. YOU ARE. I'M NOT. YOU'RE NOT. I AM. Despite two years of denial, former Lebanon City Councilor Don Fox announced that he will run for mayor.

THE DOCTOR JACK KEVORKIAN AWARD FOR ASSISTED SUICIDES The City of Lebanon said it had no idea where employees got the poisoned corn that killed hundreds of pigeons on the square but that they would not buy anymore.

HASTA LA VISTA, BABY When Finance Director Chuck Howell responded to a comment by County Executive Don Simpson by saying, "I take that as a threat," Simpson said, "Take it anyway you want to."

BASEBALL SEASON OPENS President Bill Clinton threw out the first baseball last week to start the 1993 season. To the chagrin of spectators, after the president's right-handed curve ball to the infield, Defense Secretary Les Aspin closed two of the bases.

COST OF LIVING GOING UP--COST OF DYING GOING DOWN R.J. Reynolds, makers of the famous Marlboro brand, announced last week that they are lowering the cost of a pack of their cigarettes by 20 cents.

GETTING ANTSY A German scientist has proven that ants fall in love. A six-year study released yesterday revealed than ants are capable of expression affection and that they kiss and go out on dates with one another and sometimes even get lucky.

RULING AFFECTS NATIVE AMERICANS The Supreme Court has handed down a ruling ordering U.S. Indian tribes to "shut up, bug off, get lost, and quit whining." The ruling stated further that all Indian treaties are illegal and void and that native American people have no legitimate claim to any U.S. land because "before we came here all they did was eat dogs and talk with their hands." One justice remarked that he was pleased with the ruling and hoped it would end "two hundred years of Indian bellyaching." He added that if the Indians didn't like the ruling, "they could go back to Asia or wherever the hell they came from."

JAYCEES MAY BAN HUMANS The Junior Chamber of Commerce's National Board of Directors has announced that although the organization now permits the membership of women, it is considering a ban on the membership of humans. There are thought to be as many as a dozen human members of various Jaycee chapters across the country.

NO CHANGE IN THE MIDDLE EAST Iraqi citizens burned their shoes and hit each other on the head with bricks in protest of everything in the world including themselves last week.

NASA MAKES ASTOUNDING FIND Explorer VI, on a recent probe of the planet Neptune, has revealed to the shock of the world's astronomers and space experts that the planet is not 25 million miles from earth and does not have a mean radius of 3,800 miles as was previously believed. Neptune, it turns out, it just seventy miles away and is no larger than a two-car garage.

JAPAN YIELDS TO WESTERN PRESSURE The new generation of Japanese are taller and have more prominent beards and breasts. However, they are also dumb, sloppy, and refuse to work. American jeans are being blamed.

ANIMAL CONDOMS ON THE WAY An east coast firm has introduced dog condoms. The latex sheaths not only prevent the spread of canine VD, but also provide birth control. There have, however, been some complaints by dog owners that their pets experience a decline in sensation.

DEPUTIES UNSURE An armed coup has occurred in the Wilson County Sheriff's Department, according to inside sources. Fifteen lieutenants and two captains in the department are currently wondering if they are in control of Wilson County. Although they have a letter stating that they are, in fact, running the county's government, they are still uncertain and have no way to tell if they are or not.

"THE NEXT FOUR YEARS ARE FOR THE KIDS" Reports from the state capitol indicate that Governor Ned Ray McWherter will announce next week that "avocado" has been chosen as the state's official refrigerator color.

DRIVING AROUND A BUSLOAD OF SCREAMING HOODLUMS IS PUNISHMENT ENOUGH The District Attorney General's office has decided not to press charges against a Wilson County School bus driver accused of assaulting another driver in January.

ATTENTION, LOVE CANAL: HERE'S SOME MORE PEOPLE! Citizens living in the Cedar Grove community of Wilson County have been notified that if the private landfill slated for their area is approved after the next round of state investigations, they will be afforded the opportunity to relocate at County Expense.

SHOULDN'T THAT BE "LITTLE MORON"? A Lebanon teen nicknamed "Little Man" may stand trial as an adult of the killing of a store clerk, according to courthouse reports. Demond Oliver Baker, 17, will appear in court on April 2nd for the determination.

IF THEY'D ONLY HAD ONE OF THESE ON THE EXXON VALDEZ Wilson County high school seniors had the opportunity to drive drunk last week in a specially controlled Dodge that is able, through computer simulation, to duplicate the effects of drunk driving.

FDA SCHEDULED TO BAN ITSELF The United States Food and Drug Administration, in a dramatic move being hailed as extraordinary, began the process of banning itself this week. According to recently released reports, the FDA is being held responsible for causing cancer in millions of laboratory animals.

EITHER THAT OR SHE'S AN UGLY, LOUD-MOUTHED, DOPE-FIEND SKINHEAD In a recent article in Rolling Stone magazine, singer Sinead O'Connor, who was booed off the state for tearing up a photograph of the Pope and refused to appear at a concert that bean with the National Anthem, was described as "misunderstood."

PLANNING COMMISSION WAIVES EVERYTHING The Lebanon City Planning Commission met Tuesday and waived all of their requirements at least twice. As the commission left the building, reporters questioned them as to why they had rules at all. In response, the members waved to the press, waved to each other, and adjourned to the nearest beauty parlor for permanent waves.

ON THE OTHER HAND, MAYBE HE'S JUST STUPID On last Friday night's ABC television show, 20/20, Marilyn Quayle said she thought her husband, Vice President Dan Quayle, was "misunderstood."

FINALLY, THE TRUTH A recent secret poll revealed Thursday that fully 36% of the members of the Wilson County Commission are having affairs with the British Royal Family.

EX-PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER SELLS LETTERS Former President Ronald Reagan's daughter, Patty Davis, is selling letters written to her by her father, according to Newsweek magazine. The ex-president reportedly told his daughter he was shocked and appalled at her actions to which she replied, "Dad, would you mind putting that in writing?"

THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM AT THE KENNEDY COMPOUND The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, often referred to as "Fergie" in the British press, is reportedly seeking asylum after photographs of her frolicking topless with her Texas-born financial consultant were published in Englands tabloid, Sun.

DEMOCRATS SPLIT OVER NATIONAL HEALTH PLAN Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy has split with Tennessee Senator Jim Sasser over the proposed National Health Plan, according to Senate Insiders. Kennedy's plan calls for shoveling money out of the back of trucks while Sasser's proposal would call for dropping money out of airplanes while in flight.

SOVRAN BANK CHANGES HANDS AGAIN Sovran Bank (formerly Commerce Union Bank) is now Nation's Bank. Nation's Bank was welcomed to the county by Third National Bank (formerly People's Bank), First Tennessee Bank (formerly Lebanon Bank), Fidelity Federal Bank (formerly First Federal Savings and Loan), and Trixie's Bank (formerly Minnie Pearl Chicken).

LOCAL SPORTSMEN OBJECT TO PLANS FOR TOWN CREEK CLEANUP The co-founders of TCCC (Town Creek Canoe Club) today issued a joint condemnation of plans to clean out Lebanon's Town Creek. The canoeists have serious objections to the destruction of what they term the "only Class VII brown water in the county." Their news release states that "Town Creek is a real canoeist's dream. When you take a 90 degree turn in 50 mile and hour water and spot an old refrigerator in the middle of the creek just two feet away...man, that's living."

LEBANON CABLEVISION CAUGHT IN CORPORATE DILEMMA The management of Lebanon Cablevision is experiencing corporate upheaval this week, according to an informed source. "They've voted on it six times," the source claims, "and they can't decide whether to let the cable go out during the Rose Bowl, the Superbowl, or just a couple of times during playoff week." Most citizens are pulling for "a couple of times during playoff week" so they will be able to view the Superbowl in its entirety for the first time in three years. Las Vegas odds makers currently have it four-to-one against.

NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST IRATE AND CONFUSED The latest substance believed to cause Alzheimer's disease is cute girls, the National Institute for Alzheimer Studies reports.

TREASURY DEPARTMENT RECOUPS LOST CASH The United States Department of the Treasury has announced the location of $4.2 billion dollars in lost money. The cash was found between auto seats, sofa cushions, and in sports coat pockets around the country.

JULIA CHILDS' LATEST IS BEST SELLER Famous TV chef Julia Childs' new book, a biography, made it to the top of the New York Times best seller list this week. Among the amusing anecdotes, Ms. Childs recalls: "my most embarrassing moment was the time I was preparing a simple classical French dish on television and I inadvertently creped my drawers."

CEDAR CITY BASS MASTERS ANNOUNCE PREFERENCE Lebanon fishing tournament club, "The Cedar City Bassmasters" last week announced their preference for the next "Second Lady." According to reports, the anglers will be supporting Vice-President Dan Quayle's wife Marilyn because, as one member put it, "Last time we saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it."

KENNEDY AGREES Shortly after the announcement from the Bassmasters, Massachusetts Senator and bloated windbag Ted Kennedy announced that he would "Sleep with damn near any woman in the western hemisphere, but I wouldn't touch Marilyn Quayle with a ten foot Pole or an eight foot Hungarian."

BEER BOARD APPROVES NEW PERMIT The Wilson County Beer Board recently approved the sale of package beer in the cafeteria at Southside Elementary School, the Wilson County Jail, and Head Start.

FAMILY VALUES STRESSED AT REPUBLICAN CONVENTION During last week's gathering of fascists, President George Bush stressed the need for educating children on right and wrong in the home. Observers wonder where he was when son Neil Bush was making loans at the failed Silverado Savings and Loan that cost taxpayers $6 billion dollars.

ARKANSAS ILLITERACY RATE Recent figures indicate that there is a 38% illiteracy rate in Governor Bill Clinton's home state of Arkansas. Experts claim this figure compares quite favorably to the 50% illiteracy rate on the Bush-Quayle ticket.

REAGAN QUOTES LINCOLN During an especially moving portion of his speech to the Republican National Convention, former president Ronald Reagan claimed to be quoting Abraham Lincoln. A problem surfaced, however, when historians challenged the quote as non-existent. According to Dr. Hyman Rothberg of Vanderbilt University, "Lincoln needs this like he needs a hole in the head."

BUCHANAN KEYNOTE SPEAKER Former Republican presidential candidate Pat Buchanan was the first speaker at the Republican National Convention last week. Party officials opted for Buchanan when it was learned that Monday is Satan's bowling night.

FATHER OF THE YEAR Director Woody Allen, 56, admitted last week to having a love affair with Soon-Li Previn, the 21 year old adopted daughter of Mia Farrow, his former live-in lover, and her ex-husband Andre Previn. Allen was applauded for his contributions to society and his taste in women by 56 year old men throughout the county.

NEW BRITISH GOVERNMENT In the wake of its most recent governmental crisis, Great Britain has announced that it will abandon it's thirty-four year attempt to become a democratic county and return to its previous twenty-three year effort to turn itself into a socialist state.

JESSE HELMS HOSPITALIZED Senator Jesse Helms, the most vocal opponent of free speech in the United States, was hospitalized with a severe case of lunacy. Sources at the Washington, DC Human Society's Pet and Politician shelter say Helms is "...unlikely to improve. Unless he dies, of course, which would be a big improvement."

COUNTY COMMISSION TRIBUTE County Executive Don Simpson has reportedly asked that all employees observe one minute of silent government spending in honor of the Wilson County Commission.

MISSING LINK DISCOVERED Anthropologists believe they have found the so-called "missing link" between the higher primates and man. This common ancestor of both humans and apes is thought to have evolved about 30 million years ago on the African savannah and, today, is usually employed as a county politician or a Louisiana prison guard.

POLL: AMERICANS CONCERNED OVER ALAMO A recent Harris Poll reveals that 68 percent of all Americans believe that cult leader Tony Alamo is taking female hormone injections.

SPANISH LANGUAGE DECIPHERED Linguists, working in conjunction with the Library of Congress, are reportedly very close to uncovering the origin of the Spanish language. According to Dr. Gale O'Brien, "They just keep repeating six sounds (don, de, hernandez, jalisco, me, and xico) over and over very quickly so that people think they have a language all their own." Dr. O'Brien has made contact with the renowned scientist Don De Hernandez of Jalisco, Mexico who has confirmed her study.

BROOKE SHIELDS OFFERS DEFENSE Actress/model Brooke Shields, offended by many comments from film reviewers, has mounted a campaign in her own defense. Ms. Shields, appearing at a news conference in a spandex body suit, said, "I can act my way out of paper bags just fine. It's movies I have trouble with."

TERRY ASHE HAS A CARD THAT SAYS, "KING" Mayor Bobby Jewell said in a meeting last week that he had to give his business card to an attorney representing Lebanon's newest business, Nutro Products, Inc., to prove he was the mayor.

KNOW YOUR PHYSICIAN According to the Food and Drug Administration, 453 ingredients found in over the counter medications sold within the United States don't work. And for years, four out of five doctors have been recommending them.

KNOW YOUR DENTIST, TOO A survey of dentists whose patients chew gum revealed today that four out of five recommended they stop popping it in public and sticking it under the chairs in theaters.

ALL QUIET IN LPD Officers of the Lebanon Police Department announced nothing this week.

CHRYSLER SAFETY BREAKTHROUGH ANNOUNCED The Chrysler Corporation has revealed what they are calling a significant breakthrough in auto safety. Instead of using a costly device for inflating air bags when crashes occur, the company has developed a bag that the driver or passenger blows up when they think an accident is imminent.

SCHOOL BOARD ACTION The Wilson County School Board, meeting in emergency session yesterday morning, fired every employee in the school system. The employees were immediately re-instated that afternoon and fired again. The Board also approved a motion to disband; however, in a secret conference later in the day, decided they were wrong and reorganized. Then they hired everybody back and they all got drunk as monkeys.

COUNTY COMMISSION GETS HELP In their never-ending battle to try and collect $5,000 from County Executive Don Simpson, the Wilson County Commission today announced they have taken steps to contact convicted Mafia boss John Gotti for assistance. Gotti, reached at his new home in Attica, NY, said, "Dey want da guy to pay, you know? We got ways."

ADULT HIGH SCHOOL A SUCCESS The Wilson County School Board recently announced that the Adult High School program has met with great success. This comes on the heels of news that the Adolescent High School program is a dismal failure.

BUSH ON A ROLL In a recent visit to hurricane ravaged Florida, President George Bush said that Homestead Air Force Base, scheduled for deactivation in 1993, will be rebuilt after it was demolished by the storm. The base will apparently be completed in March, 1993. Demolition is scheduled to begin in April.

NEW POLICE CHIEF TO BE CHOSEN SOON The City of Lebanon will have a new police chief soon, according to city hall sources. Although names of those in the running have not yet been released, insiders predict the new chief will be whoever Sheriff Terry Ashe tells the city's spineless mayor to hire.

GEORGE HARDING ASKED TO HELP District Attorney Tommy Thompson last week told the Wilson County Commission's Insurance Committee that they should ask ex-Road Superintendent George Harding to assist them in finding out about the county employees insurance program. Harding reportedly will tell the commissioners what insurance is, how much it costs, and where they can buy it. Rumor has it that Harding will not call them morons, fools, idiots, nitwits, asses, clowns, misfits, or trolls. Even though he should.

WHY DIDN'T YOU WAIT UNTIL HE WAS 90? 77-year old Tennessee resident Jozsef Szendi, a high school janitor, was accused last week by the Justice Department of allegedly playing a role in the deportation of Jews from Hungary to Poland during World War II.

TAKE THAT! The Chairman of the Republican National Committee last week called Bill Clinton the "failed governor of a small southern state." In response, the Democratic National Committee called George Bush the "failed president of a large North American nation."

JEWELL IS MUCH TALLER Mayor Bobby Jewell said last week that he and Public Works Commissioner Gary Keith didn't always see eye to eye.

KENNEDY PROVES CRITICS WRONG Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, the only 55 year old man who goes on Spring Break, recently proved his critics wrong during the Judiciary Committee meetings on Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. "I told them I could do it," said the puffy in-bred lawmaker. "It was tough, especially in the late hours of the day, but I proved I could go 14 hours without a drink."

VANDERBILT RELEASES COST ESTIMATES Elated over their 27-25 victory over Georgia Saturday, Vanderbilt University released the cost estimates for their football program. According to Jim Ulwhistle, university sports director, "We proved we could come through in a pinch and win the big game. When you figure it costs about $250,000 a year for the football program, that comes out to around nine grand per point." Ulwhistle declined to calculate the cost per point during the Watson Brown years, saying, "Hey, my calculator only goes up so far."

EX-KLANSMAN FARES WELL IN LOUISIANA GOVERNOR RACE According to sources inside the Louisiana Election Commission, ex-Ku Klux Klansman David Duke has succeeded in gaining enough votes to enter the Louisiana Governor's primary. "He got the cracker vote," said Amanda Greenspawn in Baton Rouge today, "but if he keeps getting plastic surgery, they'll turn on him. The same thing happened to Michael Jackson." Duke was busy goose-stepping around Louisiana synagogues with a can of spray paint and could not be reached for comment.

OLIVER NORTH'S NEW BOOK "A BOMBSHELL" Lt. Col. Oliver North, famous sneak-weinie of the Reagan era, released his new book on the Iran-Contra scandal this week. The book, called Under Fire, is doing so well in stores that North is expected to be able to afford his first real haircut in twenty-six years, according to press secretary Ayatollah Salmon Rushdie.

ACTOR ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY Actor Tom Laughlin, most well-known for his roles in the "Billy Jack" movies, announced his candidacy for President yesterday. Laughlin appeared in the 1960 cult films, "Billy Jack", "The Trial of Billy Jack", "Billy Jack Goes To Washington", Billy Jack vs. Godzilla", "Billy Jack Of All Trades", and the box-office hit "Billy Jack's Son Five".

BRANSON, MISSOURI: NEW HOME OF COUNTRY MUSIC Reports in Sunday's Tennessean indicate that Nashville is losing its title as Music City, USA. The paper indicated that a large portion of Nashville's music industry stars are moving to Branson to escape the limelight. The general consensus of most Middle Tennessee residents was: "Go ahead and move. We're so damned tired of rhinestones and cowboy hats we could puke. And take that whining little dwarf Barbara Mandrell with you." Rumors persist that traffic problems will ease greatly with the exodus of country stars because people from Indiana will have no reason to come here anymore.

MAILBOX MARAUDERS CAPTURED Willie Greenbaum, III of Lebanon apprehended four juvenile delinquents who were smashing mailboxes in the Cheeca Subdivision Monday night. The youths were wearing jeans and identical leather jackets emblazoned with the words, "When I Grow Up I Want To Wear A Dress And Dance With My Roommate At The Tennessee State Prison." When questioned by authorities, the gang leader, "Pinkie" Squeals said, "We do it because we're morons. That's basically, like, totally it. Absolutely. Completely."

LEBANON CABLEVISION EXECUTIVE SET FREE An unnamed executive of Lebanon Cablevision was released unharmed today by his captor, a grinning, savage newspaper columnist with a penchant for Wild Turkey. "I had to let him go," the wily kidnapper said. "The cable hasn't been out in almost a month. Besides, he was eating me out of house and home." Rumors abound that Cablevision will resume its normal weekly power outages as soon as the weather turns "nasty", according to a high level source in the company.

LOCAL CHURCHES TO SPONSOR WRESTLING Tired of the well-known "other religion bashing" that goes on in local houses of worship, the religious leaders of Wilson County have organized a professional wrestling match to see, once and for all, which of the denominations is actually comprised of "the chose people." The so-called "cage match" will end with a "loser must shave head" stake. Hari Krishna's have been banned from participation because, according to one minister, "They've got nothing to lose."

COUNTY FLAG ADOPTED The Wilson County Commission has adopted a County Flag to be flown at the Courthouse with the United States "Stars and Stripes" and the Tennessee State Flag. "We talked about it in closed session for weeks," said one commissioner. "We fought, cried, stomped our feet, and James Francis even prayed about it. What we came up with was, I think, perfect." The flag will feature a three-toed sloth biting the head off a taxpayer and will be surrounded by dollar signs. The background will be yellow for obvious reasons.

'CHARLIE FOUR-NINER, THIS IS THE ROAD SUPERINTENDENT. I NEED AN ARTILLERY STRIKE ON WEST MAIN ASAP." According to Courthouse sources, newly elected Road Superintendent Val Kelley has decreed that all roads in Wilson County will be modified to insure they meet the same standards. Crews are expected to begin work next week although it is not certain what equipment will be used to dig potholes, make the yellow lines almost invisible, and strew gravel on all curves.

NEW CULT ON THE RISE A local youth has just returned to his parents after 6 months in a bizarre cult, according to authorities. In an exclusive interview, the youth said, "They got me up at five each morning, shaved my head, and kept me isolated in a remote place for weeks at a time." Investigators are questioning the existence of the so-called Lebanon National Guard prior to proceeding with legal action.

ARCHEOLOGICAL FIND UNCOVERED IN WILSON COUNTY Archeologists from the University of Tennessee have announced the discovery of hundreds of human bones, some more than 6,000 years old, on a local farm. Upon notification of the find, a spokesman for the County Commission was quoted as saying, "Human bones????? What were there people, anyway? Cannibals???"

JAPANESE GOVERNMENT CLAIMS RESPECT FOR U.S. Fearing an anti-Japanese backlash in the United States, the government of this tiny island nation released a statement today avowing "deep respect" for the United States. "A county that has produced novelty fake vomit and no-alcohol beer must really be smart," the communication says. "No, sincerely, we respect you an awful lot for that."

KENNEDY SECRETS SURFACE Senator Ted Kennedy, thrust back into the limelight after his nephew was accused of rape in Florida, is said to be outraged at recent reports concerning his behavior. "I don't care what they say," said the puffy bag of hot air at a news conference. "I've never done anything like that." Kennedy was referring to reports that he had been seen driving sober, helping a young woman change a tire, and wearing clothes around the house.

NORENE RELEASES STUDY OF THE CITY FOR YEAR 2000 The city of Norene today released a study concerning what their city will be like in the year 2000. Some of the topics covered in the report include: Population (there will be "many" people in Norene by 2000, some of whom are alive today), Resources (all natural resources that are used between now and 2000 in Norene will no longer be available for use by the end of this period), and Food (there will be some food.)

WORTH EVERY NICKEL Anchorman Roger Mudd will earn a million dollars this year for not appearing on the CBS evening news.

NEW SPEED BUMPS INSTALLED IN TROUSDALE COUNTY The New York Times reported that dozens of rural Americans are killed each year after they drink too much, lie down in the middle of the highway, and get run over.

READING ON THE DECLINE--TEMPERATURE UP At an Exxon gas station in Sunnyvale, California, a worker ignited the pumps while using an acetylene torch to remove the "No Smoking" signs.

POLL RESULTS IN The most recent survey released from the non-partisan committee on presidential elections indicates that if the election were held this week, most people wouldn't vote because they expect it to be held in November.

BUSH INTRODUCES HOUSING PLAN In an effort to bolster his election bid, President George Bush announced this week that he would make approximately $47 billion available for first-time home buyers. The money, constituting the largest sum ever earmarked for housing, is expected to pay for the construction of three ranch-style houses and one in-ground swimming pool.

DUMPE QUAYLE Vice-President Dan Quayle's camp released a report last week that indicated they felt Quayle's performance in the vice-presidential debate was "superiorlative."

GOOD NEWS FOR COMMISSIONERS' OFFSPRING Kids from troubled families are not doomed to repeat their parents' destructive patterns, says psychiatrist Steve Wolin.

IS MARIA GOOD IN THE SACK? Arnold Schwarzenegger kicks off his new "Ask Arnold" fitness column in this weekend's USA WEEKEND magazine. Schwarzenegger promises that more than 33 million readers will get personal, down-to-earth answers to their questions.

AND WILSON COUNTY IS NUMBER ONE IN THUG POLITICIANS Miami/Ft. Lauderdale is the dieting capital of the USA.

SOMEBODY FORGOT THEIR ZIP CODE A pair of disgruntled postal workers lashed out violently Thursday - leaving three dead. Larry Jasion shot himself dead after killing a letter carrier in Dearborn, Michigan. Mark Richard Hilbun is still being sought in San Juan Capistrano, California after killing one worker.

KEEP IT UP AND PRETTY SOON THEY'LL THINK THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS Gay-rights activists Thursday hailed a Hawaii Supreme Court ruling that could make the state the first to license same-sex marriages. A state ban on such unions is "presumed to be unconstitutional", the court said in a 3-2 ruling Wednesday. The state must now show cause not to change the law.

DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT? A 14-year-old Munhall, Pa., boy is getting psychiatric treatment Thursday after putting his crying 5-week-old cousin in a microwave over and turning it on, authorities said. The youth is charged with reckless endangerment in the incident two weeks ago. The oven was on for five seconds before the baby was rescued by another cousin, police said. Doctors found no injuries.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT MICKEY LOOKED ITALIAN U.S. Immigration authorities proposed a record $395,000 file Thursday after accusing Disneyland of hiring illegal immigrants. Disney said any violation was "technical" and it will contest the charges and fine.

COUNCILWOMAN THOMPSON - MASTER OF DISGUISE It was learned from the front page of last week's Advocate that Councilwoman Carolyn Thompson is a master of disguise able to transform herself into Councilwoman Arah Preston in the wink of an eye. Either that or somebody thought it'd be funny to screw up the photo captions in the same issue I criticized the Democrat for doing the same thing. As has been said in the past: Nice editing, guys. You're really on top of things. You feeble-minded idiots. Touché, Sam.

CABLEVISION SUCCUMBS TO CONSUMER PROTESTS Using revenues from local video rental businesses as a guideline, sources have determined that the cost of renting eighteen new movies each month is about the same as the cost of Cablevision premium services. In a daring move, a local citizen's group is planning to ask Lebanon Cablevision to pay each subscriber $5 for each 5 minutes their cable is out. Rapid calculations indicate that this would put them into bankruptcy in 1.7 weeks.

FAST FOOD REPORT RELEASED Recent laboratory tests revealed that hamburgers fried on a metal grill are carcinogenic. The beef, in direct contact with heated meal, undergoes a chemical change that could lead to the development of cancer. Related findings assert that french fries eaten with ketchup cause bubonic plague, pickle chips are connected to outbreaks of mononucleosis, and finally, the combination of ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and pickle relish for "special sauce" appears to trigger a chemical reaction that results in broken legs, mosquito bites, and chronic depression.

WORKMAN'S COMPENSATION DISCLOSES WORST OCCUPATIONS The Bureau of Workman's Compensation recently released the ten worst occupations in the county. The jobs are: Curse Remover, Concert Accordionist, Pimp, Illegal Alien, Newspaper Columnist, Double-Crosser, Smuggler, Artist, Whirling Dervish, and City Councilman

COUP FAILS IN WILSON COUNTY Six pickup trucks and a couple of cars invaded the County seat in Lebanon last Monday in an attempt to overthrow the government and go forward with plans to institute democracy. The plan was toppled when County Minister of Defense Terry Ashe found several expired tags on the vehicles and hauled the organizers off to jail. After the unsuccessful coup, Politburo Chief Don Simpson was quoted as saying, "Huh?"

LOCAL HISTORICAL FIND Historians have uncovered important documents that would indicate that in addition to his pioneering work in the field of education, County School Superintendent Kip Puryear may have invented moist cat food and two-ply toilet tissue.

NEGOTIATIONS OPEN WITH PALESTINE The United States opened formal negotiations with Palestine today. so far, the mediators have agreed on the following:

No hitting with fists
No hitting girls. (Palestinians exempt in their own homes)
No talking about anybody's mother.
No spitting
No kicking or biting
No fair ganging up two against one
No fair saying "No touchbacks"
Double dares go first.

APOLOGIES TO CABLEVISION SUBSCRIBERS Last week in this column, I reported there were no plans by Lebanon Cablevision to increase rates for their uncanny ability to predict the weather. I was wrong. Me and hundreds of the rest of you received notice this week that premium channels will cause your bill to go up by a dollar each month. This week, if there's no rain, lucky subscribers can catch perennial favorites like "Ernest Goes To Camp", "The Great Skycopter", "Rescue", "Lambada", and "Night Train To Kathmandu". Thanks for nothing, guys. Keep up the good work.

OFF AND ON WHO? On an Oprah Winfrey TV show, actress Shirley McClain, sister of actor Warren Beatty, revealed that she "was celibate, off and on, for twelve years."

LOCAL PR FIRM RECOMMENDS FOX CHANGE NAME The prestigious local public relations firm of Fine, Howard, and Fine has recommended that Lebanon city councilman Don Fox change his name to boost flagging popularity. "People don't respond too well to someone named after an animal," agency president Simon Bortly said. "His name suggests he'd be a good grocery store manager, but not a good mayor." The name Ronald Colin Schwarzkopf was suggested as a replacement. Reportedly, the firm has had tremendous success with a number of other city clients including Bobby Jewell, whose real name is Wally Smurf, Bobby Wynne, whose real name is Ira Glaspermyer, and Fred Burton, who changed his name from Gertrude Stein.

TONY ALAMO IN PARTIAL SUCCESS Attempts by cult leader Tony Alamo to resurrect his last wife, Susan, have resulted in the bizarre return of Josef Stalin from the dead. Stalin, who died decades ago, said he was "glad to be back" but was a "little stiff and sore" and "very thirsty." Alamo says he'll keep trying.

THE TEN LEAST BOTHERSOME WILSON COUNTY FEARS Researchers asked more than 14 thousand Wilson County inhabitants: "What aren't you afraid of?" Their answers were:

Melting
Germs from money
Men named Robin
Mail from foreign lands
Death rays from Mars
Breaking a treaty
Lint in trouser cuffs
Midgets
People who drive Yugos
Milli Vanilli reunion

CITIZEN FINDS REVOLUTIONARY USE FOR LEBANON CABLEVISION A Lebanon citizen, who prefers to remain nameless, has stumbled upon a new use for Lebanon Cablevision. "I was watching TV at breakfast and the cable went out," said this intuitive gentleman. "We rolled up the windows on both cars and sure enough, six days later, there was a thunderstorm." Currently, there are no plans by Cablevision to increase rates for these uncannily accurate weather predictions.

OLD HICKORY JUDGED ONE OF THE TEN BEST According to reports in the American Journal for Waste Disposal, Old Hickory Lake has been named one of the ten best cesspools in the county. Speaking for the journal, Mr. Geoffrey Jappy cited the lake's "quick adaptation to all kinds of crap" as one of the reasons it ranked so high. "But take care," Jappy continued, "if you cut yourself shaving and then swim in that thing, you could lose your sense of smell and the majority of your facial features."

COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEES STILL NOT IN Judging from a telephone call made to the County Health Department on Monday morning, "all the men are" still "gone right now." Thanks for nothing, babe.

LOCAL ATTORNEY SUES SELF OVER GENETICS Lebanon attorney William Farmer reportedly filed suit against himself today in Chancery Court. "I'm a young man," Farmer is reported as saying, "but my hair is grey and it's all my fault. This should teach me a lesson. I hope I have to pay through the nose. I could use the money."

OR SOME PART THEREOF Former Wilson County School Superintendent Brent Foster reportedly will seek to recapture his old job at the next election. Foster is reported to have said, "I'm a dark horse."

LOCAL BANKS TAKE SERIOUS NOSEDIVE Forget it. This was a bad idea. At the rate things have been going, in another two years there won't be any such thing as a local bank.

COLUMBIA IN FILM DEAL WITH IRAQ Columbia Pictures has announced the signing of Saddam Hussein to star in a move about the Persian Gulf War. Hussein's staff, his wife, and the Iraqi Army will be played by the Muppets.

FDA APPROVES NEW CHEMICAL A chemical compound has been discovered that does not cause cancer or heart disease, the Food and Drug Administration disclosed today. It is odorless, tasteless, and transparent. The chemical results from the bonding of two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen and is reported to be the major constituent of most drinking water.

NEW CITY ATTORNEY TO BE NAMED Lebanon city officials will soon name a new City Attorney, according to inside sources. "The new guy spent six weeks asleep inside Mayor Jewell's office," said an anonymous source. "He wasn't drugged, though. He was being groomed for his new assignment."

LAGUARDO AWARDED FUNNY NAME PRIZE The community of LaGuardo has been awarded the 1991 Funny Name Prize by the State of Tennessee Funny Name Society. The award was presented by the society's founder/president, Chelsey Wilbur Gorganzola. "Not only has this little community managed to keep the bums and girls with home-made tattoos out of the LaGuardo Recreation Area," Gorgonzaola said, "but they have managed to maintain a demilitarized zone between Lebanon and Gallatin." LaGuardo edged out the community of Toad Suck in Arkansas by two votes.

TWO EX-BEATLES MIFFED Reports this week indicate that since the papal election of John Paul, ex-Beatles George and Ringo have been extremely upset.

LIQUOR CHEAPER IN LEBANON A fifth of Wild Turkey 101 goes for around $15 in Lebanon. In Gallatin and Hartsville, it costs $19. Champagne is about a dollar cheaper here that there. Wise up. Lebanon liquor store owners have stated they will accept cash from church-going customers wearing false beards and/or moustaches.

"THREE STATES OF TENNESSEE" DIVIDED The so-called "three states of Tennessee"; west, east, and middle, are strictly divided concerning the protocol to be used in discussing Governor McWherter. While East Tennessee prefers to refer to the governor as "Ned", West Tennessee holds fast to the old standby, "Ned Ray". Middle Tennessee residents continue to maintain that "melon-headed half-wit" is more appropriate and should be used in both formal and informal conversation.

SCHOOL BOARD HEROES Sources relate that after the most recent Wilson County School Board meeting, while members were driving home, they came upon a small child evidently drowning in Spring Creek. Quick thinking prevailed and the school board was able to build themselves a small cabin on the bank of the creek so they'd have some place dry to sit while the kid died.

DEFINE "LARGE AMOUNT" The Tennessee Department of Agriculture said last week that poison corn scattered around the Lebanon square to kill pigeons is only lethal if a large amount is ingested.

DRINK AND SMOKE--YOU'LL LIVE LONGER Two medical reports issued Monday claimed that white wine can help prevent a heart attack and that coughing during a heart attack may lessen the chances of permanent damage.

CLINTON TO FOLLOW IN REAGAN'S FOOTSTEPS Political insiders for the Clinton administration said last week that Gov. Clinton intends to follow the model established by Ronald Reagan in his transition to the White House. Sources claim that Clinton and former President Reagan have a lot in common: neither can remember the 1960's, neither is the real power in the family, and both of them ignored George Bush after the election.

INAUGURATION FIGURES RELEASED Government planners announced this week that the cost of changing from one administration to another is close to the $5 million mark. This price tag was deemed cheap, however, when considering that the cost of not changing administrations would be another $3 trillion.

STILL WAITING BY THE PHONE Last week, a Wells Fargo truck door flew open on the streets of New York and $500,000 fell out. Company officials said they were "depending on the great honesty of the citizens of New York City" to get the money back.

ELSIE THE COW BACK AFTER TWO DECADES The Borden Corporation announced last week that they were bringing trademark "Elsie the Cow" out of retirement for future products. Spokespersons would not confirm the rumor that Elsie has actually been hanging in the meat locker at Food Lion for the past twenty years.

SOMEBODY'S EVIDENTLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT CHARLES BRONSON The movie "Bram Stoker's Dracula" grossed $3 million on its opening day last week, according to a spokesman for the Motion Picture Council. Commenting on the picture's success, Director Francis Ford Coppola said he was amazed that Dracula is still such a big draw since its main character is over 100 years old.

WE CAN ALL STOP PRAYING NOW In a letter to the American Council of Bishops, Pope John Paul II declared that "there is no sex in heaven."

SURE, BUT THERE WAS NO GERALDO IN 1982
A recent survey concluded that the number of 13 year olds who watch between 3 and 5 hours of television a day is up from 39% in 1982 to 53% in 1992.

FDA TO BAN FDA The Food and Drug Administration moved to ban itself this week. Recently released documents indicated that the FDA is responsible for causing cancer in millions of laboratory animals.

REPUBLICANS TO CHANGE MASCOTS The elephant, long a symbol of the Republican party in the United States may be on the way out, according to reports received today from the National Republican party headquarters. The elephant symbol will be replaced by an artistic rendering of a snowball in hell.

COUNTY COMMISSIONERS RELIEVED The United States has placed a ban on the import of Panamanian pineapples, claiming that the fruit harbors a fly that feeds on vegetables.

THEY CALL THEM THE "SMART" MACHINES Wilson County Registrar-at-Large, Lynn Harris, reported that some of the county's voting machines refused to accept votes cast for Republican candidates.

"POLITICIAN" DEFINED Wilson County election results indicate that a politician is someone who lies to the press and then believes what he reads.

STRIKING FOR WHAT? LIMOUSINE SERVICE? Forty-seven thousand applicants showed up at the Caterpillar Company last week to fill 12,600 jobs paying from $16 to $18 an hour. Caterpillar workers are on strike and have been told their jobs would be filled unless they came back to work.

AND OPEN THE JESSE JACKSON FILE Genetic testing on bones found in 1985 has proven that the infamous Nazi war criminal Josef Mengele died in Brazil more than a decade ago. In Vienna, Austria, Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal said Wednesday: "We now close the Mengele file."

THEY COULDN'T SELL KAREN CARPENTER'S HOUSE BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAVE A KITCHEN Bulimia and anorexia may be linked to vasopression, a hormone that regulates blood pressure and fluid retention, reports the April issue of the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism.

STUPID PEOPLE TO MEET AT 4,000 LOCATIONS Pepsico and Polaroid are offering consumers a chance to rub shoulders with facsimiles of celebrities. As part of the soft drink maker's "Uh-Hu" promotion, people can have their photo taken with cardboard cutouts of Ray Charles and the "Uh-Hu" girls at over 4,000 U.S. locations.

CLINTON AIDE ASKED TO CHANGE NAME George Stephanopoulos, aide to President-elect Bill Clinton, has reportedly been asked to change his name to "something a human being can easily say without physically hurting himself."

WHO LOOKS LIKE A MONKEY NOW, ACE? DA Tommy Thompson said last week that the Court of Appeals refusal to block the reinstatement of two ousted Wilson Count School Board members "would have been different if Nashville schools were on the verge of closing." No one asked him what he meant.

IRA BLAMED FOR BOMBING The outlawed Irish Republican Army has claimed responsibility for a bomb that exploded in Manchester, England last week. Spokepersons for the IRA indicated that the explosion took place after a young member of the group accidentally threw a potato into a crowded building and then bit into a lump of dynamite.

PEE IN TOILET - SWIM IN POOL Former Olympic gold medalist swimmer Mark Spitz spoke in Nashville last week. After his presentation, Spitz told the media that "planning a speech would definitely be too plastic. I try and remember six key words and take it from there."

COYOTES OR PREACHERS? Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency officer Jim Hooper said last week, "If you see them around your house, they're there for a reason--a free meal."

GO SEE BILLY'S LEG In a surprise move, the State Department has announced the lifting of the ban for American citizens to travel to Vietnam.

NO MORE MINI SKIRTS FOR HILLARY Washington insiders claim President Bill Clinton has put a stop to wife Hillary's wearing of minis to official functions. While it is true that the first lady has good legs, the cabinet is concerned that short skirts may expose her testicles.

WANTED: TWO THUGS WITH SMALL BRAINS FOR EASY WORK. NO LIFTING REQUIRED. MINIMAL EDUCATION REQUIREMENTS. OPPORTUNITY TO BEAT UP ON A SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT WEARING A CHEAP SUIT County Executive Don Simpson is expected to appoint new Education Commission members soon.

OH, DEAR GOD, YOU MAKE ME QUIVER; NOW GET ME OFF THIS FREAKING RIVER The search ended yesterday for bodies of people aboard a floating shrine that capsized killing 315. Officials weren't sure how many people were aboard the shrine, made of three barges during the nine-day "Crucifix at the River" festival in Bocaue, Philippines.

NO WONDER SHE DUMPED THAT WEIRD-LOOKING KEIFER SUTHERLAND Actress Julia Roberts married singer Lyle Lovett last Wednesday.

CATHOLIC-BASHING IS SCHEDULED FOR 10:00 AM The Churches of Christ Jubilee '93 is scheduled for June 30-July 3 at the Nashville Convention Center.