A GUIDE TO INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM

Who They Are, What They Believe, How to Recognize Them

By

Jimmy Joe Meeker

First Published in The Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 5, No. 29, ©August 10, 1993 by Donald W. Gillette

NAME: Branch Davidians

LOCATION: Waco, Texas

VALUES: Think some lunatic named David Koresh is God.

COMMENT: Can quote chapter and verse, but can’t seem to put their finger on the passage, "you will know me from my passion for twelve year old girls and automatic weapons". Defend their use of machine guns by claiming that Jesus would have used them if they’d been around in biblical times. Forget that if Jesus had wanted an Uzi, he should have been able to miracle one for himself.

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NAME: South Moluccans

LOCATION: The Netherlands

VALUES: Want independence for South Molluca and also demand to know where, exactly, South Molucca is and how to get there.

COMMENT: Specialize in unusual forms of armed political action such as robbing garbage dumps, attempting to hijack farm land to Libya, and holding their own ears for ransom. Easily shot, even by plump, chocolate-gorged Dutch people.

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NAME: Al Fatah

LOCATION: Middle East

VALUES: They really, really, really hate Jews. They hate Jews the way most people only dislike them and think they’re annoying and obnoxious. They would rather blow up a Jewish hospital than anything in the world except a Jewish orphanage.

COMMENT: Despite their vow to obliterate Israel and the Jewish people, they are themselves just like Jews except they don’t know making money from wiping their asses, which they do with their hands. Their leader wears a dishrag on his head and shaves with a fork. They operate internationally, but are easily detected and identified by black-rimmed glasses, urine-stained suits, and noontime yodeling. Even the PLO thinks they’re crazy.

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NAME: Black September

LOCATION: As far from any armed Israelis as possible.

VALUES: Hate Jews even more than the guys in Al Fatah.

COMMENT: Arabs who say they’re Communists but act like Nazis but still look like Jews and so would have been exterminated by the real Nazis, which is one small thing in favor of fascist Germany.

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NAME: Iranians

LOCATION: Iran and various American universities

VALUES: Dirty people with size nine noses who look like Arabs but think and smell like goats.

COMMENT: Somehow these people have come to associate their own furniture, plumbing fixtures, and public transportation with oppression and have been burning, smashing, and overturning same in an attempt to persuade oppressors to leave their country, which the oppressors have already done since the only people willing to live in a country with no chairs, toilets, or buses are Iranians.

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NAME: National Organization for Women

LOCATION: US shopping malls, restaurants, health, and tennis clubs.

VALUES: Seek to embarrass their husbands and neglect their housework as they fight for equal rights for women, except when it comes to paying for dinner, moving furniture across town to a new apartment, going shopping for hours and hours on company time, and putting up with menstrual cramps on lovely spring days.

COMMENT: Well organized core of screeching, dried-up, fat-assed, old bitches who married bald, wimpy sociology professors. Think they deserve the same shake as men just because they have chin whiskers and moustaches.

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NAME: Falangists

LOCATION: Spain

VALUES: Can’t remember who won World War II.

COMMENT: Want Spain to adhere to the principles set forth by the Franco regime. They include: taking a long time to die and wearing funny hats.

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NAME: Moro Nationalists

LOCATION: Philippine Islands

VALUES: Think Teddy Roosevelt is still president and are mad at him.

COMMENT: Occupy an area of the Philippines so remote that they have been largely reduced to killing themselves.

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NAME: Irish Republican Army (Officials)

LOCATION: Ireland, South Boston, various police stations

VALUES: Pro-pope nationalists

COMMENT: Outlawed group whose courageous members were all killed fighting the British during the Irish Rebellion and whose intelligent members were killed by the group itself shortly after the rebellion. They all wear big, wooly sweaters and are about 90 years old.

DANGER: If you can hear them above the sound of their sucking pipes, they may bore you to death.

APOLOGY: Sorry, Grandpa.

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NAME: Irish Republican Army (Provisionals)

LOCATION: Northern Ireland, South Boston

VALUES: Pro-pope, pro-liquor, anti-British

COMMENT: Drunken fanatics engaged in a violent dispute with their bigoted Orange (protestant) paramilitary neighbors in Northern Ireland. They take turns murdering each other’s civilians to prove points too confusing for any of them to understand. Often mistakenly wire a potato to a car battery while miles across town, some innocent child gnaws on a stick of dynamite.

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NAME: FALN

LOCATION: Puerto Rico and New York City

VALUES: Want Puerto Rico to be an independent state.

COMMENT: Interesting group in that they plant bombs in New York buildings filled with sensible people and yet there is nothing sensible people would like more than for Puerto Rico to be an independent state. Especially if all the Puerto Ricans had to go back there. Especially Geraldo Rivera.

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NAME: Weathermen

LOCATION: USA

VALUES: Radical television meteorologists who dynamited a power line back in 1971 to protest the Celsius scale and weather girls.

COMMENT: A safe thing to turn the FBI loose on.

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NAME: Ras Tafarians

LOCATION: Jamaica

VALUES: Believe that God used to be an old newspaper clipping and will come get them next weekend in a Ford convertible if he doesn’t have to mow the lawn. They worship the first three chords in the second cut on the A side of Linda Ronstadt’s album before last and wash their hair with dirt.

COMMENT: Their extranational activity focuses on selling marijuana to your children.

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NAME: Militant Gays

LOCATION: Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City

VALUES: Collection of hopeless queers who want to fight and fight and fight until society recognizes their right to have sex with each other.

COMMENT: Stay in the closet, Shirley. Some of us are trying to eat lunch.

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