DOCTOR TALK

Doom and Madness in the Operating Room

By

Jimmy Joe Meeker

First Published in The Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 3, No. 27, ©July 6, 1993 by Donald W. Gillette

A group of properly licensed practicing physicians have contributed the following terms, actually used in hospitals to describe conditions of the human body and various medical procedures performed thereon.

Horrendoplasty:

A difficult, time-consuming operation.

Bobbing for Apples:

Unclogging a severely constipated patient with the finger.

F.L.K.

Funny-looking kid.

F.L.P.

Parents of a F.L.K.

Boxed, Cooled, X'ed

Dead.

Crump, Gork

A patient requiring intensive care, incapable of movement, and apparently unaware of his surroundings.

Crock

Hypochondriac.

Haircut

Syphilis.

Marriageable Monster

A young, female patient who has successfully undergone plastic surgery.

Gomer

A senile, messy, decrepit patient.

Fascinoma

A "fascinating" tumor; any interesting or amusing malignancy.

Drooler

A catatonic patient.

Cut and Paste

To open a patient, discover there is no hope, and immediately sew him back up again.

Nine-"F"-er

Facetious description of a typical gall bladder patient: "Fat, fortyish, fecund, flatulent, female with frothy, foul, floating feces."

Pinky Cheater

Latex finger covering used in proctological examinations.

Road Map

A form of injury generally incurred by going through a windshield face first.

A Hole-in-One

Gunshot wound thought the mouth.

The "O" Sign

The letter o as formed by a moribund patients gaping mouth.

The "Q" Sign

The letter q as formed by an extremely moribund patient's tongue hanging to one side of his gaping mouth.

Sidewalk Soufflé

A patient who has fallen off or out of a building.

The Betty Crocker Syndrome

Third degree burns on the buttocks.

Hot to Trot

A condition peculiar to female patients whose copper IUD birth control coil has been melted by accidental bombardment of microwaves.

Loose Change

A dangling limb in need of amputation.

Bull in the Ring

A blocked large intestine.

Gone Camping

Reference to a person who has been placed in an oxygen tent.

Moon Pie High

Euphoric state obtained by obese people who have substituted food for sex.

Eating In

Intravenous feeding.

Bordeaux

Urine with blood in it.

Angle Lust

A male cadaver with an erection.

Hit and Run

The act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement.

Captain Kangaroo

Chairman of a pediatrics department.

Loop the Loop

Unusually flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.

Short Order Cooks

Morgue workers.

Bugs in the Rug

Pubic lice.

Hey, Doc's!

Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big city medical wards complaining of distress. At the sign of a white cot, they bleat

out in chorus, "Hey, Doc!"

Bag Lady

Nurse assigned to take surgical specimens from the operating room to pathology.

Blown Mind

Term used to describe a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

Icing on the Cake

A term used to describe the condition of a heart attached victim whose X-rays have revealed that he or she is also suffering from a brain tumor or similar lethal health problem.

The Garden

The Neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the great number of "vegetables" found there.

Boogie, Goober

A tumor after intensive cobalt treatment

Healthy Goober

A dead patient.

Deep Fry

Cobalt therapy.

Bury the Hatchet

To forget a surgical instrument inside a patient.

Twinkle Toes

A gouty first metatarsal.

Butcher

A successful surgeon with the tendency to operate at the slightest provocation.

Rooters

A collection of indigents and hangers-on who gather in big city emergency rooms to be amused by the suffering of legitimate patients.