LETTERS TO THE DOCTOR

Editor’s Note: Neither I nor any member of the staff of The Wilson County Advocate will vouch for the authenticity of these letters. Frankly, we think he made them up. The man is certifiable and reality doesn’t interest him.

Originally published in the Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 2, No. 3 (misprinted as Vol. 1, No. 3) ©January 21, 1991 Donald W. Gillette

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Could you get us a job at The Wilson County Advocate? We can’t read and write very well and arithmetic isn’t really our strong point, but in our prime we could sell a blind man a pair of glasses.

The Wilson County Commission

In Hiding Somewhere

Dear Dr. Meeker:

I just found out she has to wax off the hair over her lip.

A Friend

20/20 ABC News, NY, NY

Dear Dr. Meeker:

As vice-president of a local bank, I am often asked why, even though we have a dozen teller windows, we keep only three babes on duty. Well, by hiring fewer tellers, we increase our profits which helps keep me and the rest of the vice-presidents in the chips.

H. Gordon Gotrocks

Out-of-Town Local Banker

Dear Dr. Meeker:

How many city councilors does it take to run a city the size of Lebanon, Tennessee? Give up? Apparently more than six.

William F. Buckley

Watching Lebanon Like A Hawk

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Don’t let anyone bullshit you. I still put away at least a fifth a day.

Ray Blanton

Home for Convicted Governors

Dear Dr. Meeker:

I may be the only kid in American born with a silver spoon in my mouth and up my nose.

William Kennedy Smith

On The Prowl Again

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Thanks for your support.

Austin Nichols Distillery

Dear Dr. Meeker:

I just read The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevski, and I’m pretty sure it’s about me. I’m contacting my lawyers, so this is a warning to the author.

Kip Puryear

Superintendent of Nothing

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Is Mt. Juliet really going to fall into the sea? I heard about it on Geraldo and I’m worried about my dog.

Mayor Ed Binkley

Close to Metro

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Why is it that everyone loves a clown, but nobody likes a smart ass?

Jerry Hunt

Lebanon City Council

Dear Dr. Meeker:

What do you get when you cross a good politician with a bunch of clowns?

A five million dollar jail!

Sheriff Terry Ashe

Palace On The Hill

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Do you make up your letters, or are they for real? I’d like to know because I’m at my wit’s end.

Bob Guccione

Penthouse Forum Magazine

Dear Dr. Meeker:

I don’t get it.

A Wilson County Commissioner

Not Too Bright & Very Puzzled

Dear Dr. Meeker:

A while back, you left something in me and I’m writing this letter to let you know that it’s read and it needs a check for the Day Care Center and a new bike.

Mitzi

Orlando, Florida

Dear Dr. Meeker:

You can’t hear the city council meetings because we hate you. And we don’t know anything about running a television station. We just do it for the tax break.

WJFB

Channel 11 or 66 or 20 or Something

Dear Dr. Meeker:

We hate you, too, but we’re in it for the money.

Lebanon Cablevision

Brining You Old, Bad Movies Daily

Dear Dr. Meeker:

This is a letter bomb. You’re dead now.

Commissioner Gilbert Graves

Way Out West

Dear Dr. Meeker:

We’re not on the City Council anymore, so don’t worry about us. Yet.

Jeannie Smith and Bobby Wynne

Waiting in the Wings

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Every time I start to write you a letter, the Sheriff’s men come and take me awa