LETTERS TO JIMMY JOE
Originally
published in The Wilson County Advocate, No. 1, Vol. 16, ©September 24, 1991 by
Donald W. Gillette
Editor's
Note: Jimmy Joe Meeker appeared at the editorial offices of the Wilson County
Advocate on Monday evening, fifteen minutes before we were scheduled to go to
press, frantically waving the letters printed below. He claimed they were sent
to him at an unregistered Post Office Box in Gladeville; however, due to time
constraints, we were unable to validate his claims as to their authenticity.
Often, he cannot be trusted.)
Dear Jimmy Joe:
My colleagues and I have been studying the question, "If County Commissioner Gilbert Graves and a full-grown sewer rat leaped off the top of the Wilson County Courthouse at the same time, who would strike the pavement first?" After many hours of thought, and with the aid of a series of complex computer programs, we have determined that the answer would be: "Who cares?"
Sincerely,
Carl Sagan
Am I On PBS Or Not?
Dear Dr. Meeker:
Clap! Clap! Bark! Bark!
Check with me next week and I'll play "The Tennessee Waltz" on a set of bicycle horns.
Thank you,
The Great Seal of the State of Tennessee
Dear Jimmy Joe:
Could you lend us a couple of bucks until payday? We've made a real mess out of our finances and we're a little short on the rent this month. Twenty-five ought to cover it.
Thanks,
The Wilson County Commission
Dear Meeker:
Don't write about us, we're dead.
Yours truly,
Harry Truman
Susan Alamo
Bobby Capers (pending)
-On the down slide to Hell
Dear Professor Meeker:
Do you make up your letters or are they for real?
Bob Guccione
-Penthouse Magazine
Dear Mister Meeker:
There are several options open to people who use Old Hickory Lake for recreational purposes. First, try to wear a wet suit and a tight-fitting mask at all times. Second, cover your body with a thick coating of petroleum jelly. Finally, as to the fish you catch in the lake: Microwave on high for six and one-half hours, cover the fish with a generous coating of 10W-50 motor oil (Castrol is the preferred brand), boil the fish in seven quarts of heavily salted water for fifteen minutes, don a surgical mask and gloves, put the fish in an environmentally safe container, bury it in the back yard, drive to Captain D's and eat dinner.
Sincerely,
The Army Corps of Engineers