LAWYERS: WE HATE 'EM

By

Jimmy Joe Meeker

Originally published in The Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 1, No. 19, ©October 22, 1991 Donald W. Gillette

Lawyers.

You stop anybody on the street and ask them what occupational group is the most sleazy, the most perverse, the most hated, or the most stick in your guts until you puke sickening and they'll tell you: lawyers.

If you happen to be so unlucky as to stop a lawyer, he'll tell you that doctors are the most notorious, but we all know the truth. It's lawyers.

What's the standard occupation of a United States congressman? Lawyer.

What does a judge have to be before he becomes a judge? Lawyer.

What stinks like a mackerel glistening in the moonlight? Lawyer.

And all of these lawyers, even the ones you used to go school with, were ordinary people until some mysterious chemical in their brains mixed with the common human fault of greed and they were transformed into hideous, hydra-headed leeches.

With one of two possible exceptions, I've never met a lawyer who had more intelligence than the average Joe. Americans used to look up to lawyers as high-bred intellectuals, but now any Tom, Dick, or Harry who wants to spend a couple of years in Law School can hang out a shingle and move on to hang people. They all have one thing in common: an unquenchable thirst for money; my money and your money. And they don't care how they get it.

It's a proven fact that if there's one lawyer in a small town, he'll consistently be flat broke. If another lawyer moves into that small town, then they'll both get rich. They form symbiotic relationships. They live off each other. Then they feed on the rest of us like vampires after a long sleep.

America is on the down slide to Hell and lawyers are busy greasing the skids.

Their only purpose in life is to win. At any cost. It's all about winning. They don't care if something is right or wrong; they don't care if a person is innocent or guilty. all they want to do is win.

In their rat-bastard little minds, the law means absolutely nothing. They defend criminals they know are guilty. They prosecute citizens they know are innocent. They know it. But they've just got to win. They're all charged with providing the best possible defense for their clients.

And who put that moronic requirement in their credo? They did it themselves. Why? Because it keeps them in good liquor.

"I'd rather have a sister in a whorehouse than a brother in a law firm."

-J.J. Meeker, MPh.D.

Contrary to what we've all experienced, there are laws to help us. There are laws that are supposed to protect us, to give us some recourse when things look bleak and politicians try to squeeze the last drop of bile from our livers; laws that say you can do this and you can't do that and if you try and do it anyway, we'll eat your lunch for you.

But it doesn't happen that way in Wilson County or in most of the rest of the country. In this godforsaken land, laws are not laws. Oh, they start out that way, but after a couple of years they become "guidelines" to be bent, broken, and trampled on. Law takes a back seat to almost everything.

What counts in this country is who you know and how much cash you can get your hands on; which judge will close his eyes and which one won't (there are exceptions to every rule.)

And so, the difference between a lawyer and a catfish remains the same: One is a slimy, stinking scavenger with sharp teeth and tentacles who lies on the bottom of the lake and feeds off garbage. The other is just fish.

No one here gets out alive.

XXX