LETTERS TO THE DOCTOR

Originally published in The Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 2, No. 36 ©September 8, 1992 by Donald W. Gillette

 

As always, the management of The Wilson County Advocate refuses to vouch for the authenticity of these letters. Dr. Meeker, as most of you are aware, is subject to severe departures from reality and cannot be trusted. Those of us who have loaned him money in the past can attest to that fact. Nevertheless, we will once again indulge him if, for nothing else, just to fill up this page. - Ed.

 

Dear Dr. Meeker:

           

You might want to warn your readers to watch out. Next month, it could be their daughter.

 

Woody Allen

Still Sophisticated But Not That Funny, NY

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker,

 

            Thanks so much for the lovely dresses. They all fit well except in the bust area, but I took them in a bit and now they're fine. And the heels were great, too. My roommate loves them. His name is Jerome and he's almost as cute as Tammy Faye without all that makeup.

 

Jim Bakker

Minimum Security, NC

 

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Dear Jimmy Joe:

 

            No way, man. I wouldn't sell that picture of me with James Brown for a thousand dollars. Now don't ask me anymore or I'll give a speech.

 

Councilman Fred Burton

Still Jammin' But With A New Gang

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker:

 

Dan and I loved your suggestion about condiments at the White House dinner table. We tried it one night with George and Barbara and it was a big hit with everyone, but Dan just doesn't like the way the pre-lubricated ones taste. Thanks, anyway.

 

Marilyn Quayle

Packing for Indiana

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker:

 

            Have you ever read Milton's Paradise Lost or Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury? I mean the whole thing, not just the Cliff's Notes. No? Well, neither have we.

 

Ten Million Past And Present College Students

All Over The World

 

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Dear Mr. Meeker,

 

            Many people have written me lately wanting to know how Bill Clinton and I are alike. Well, years ago, we both blew a little dope.

 

Barbara Bush

Washington and Texas, D.C.

 

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Dear Doc,

 

            I would like someone to explain to me why, when a magic elf appeared to me and offered me one wish for anything in the world, I said I wanted a spice rack.

 

Tom Henry

Wheel of Appeal, CA

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker,

 

            A lot of folks have said I'm nothing more than a puffy, confused, spineless, down-on-his-luck, part-time politician who can't keep a real job. Well, that's simply not true. I've never considered myself puffy.

 

Gary Keith

Now Appearing in a Hard Hat, TN

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker:

 

            Since Lebanon High School now has two principals, how about having two School Superintendents? We could have one that knew what he was doing and another one who talked about himself constantly, lied to everybody, imitated Al Gore, and won reelection by around 100 votes. I don't know who the first one would be, but I think we've already got the second one.

 

A Poor Kid Who Made Something Out Of Himself And Is So Proud He Could Bust And Whose Name Is Not Kip Puryear

Wilson County, TN

(P.S. I can't believe people are saying those mean things about me…  I mean him…)

 

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Dear Jimmy Joe:

 

            Please to extend thanks of self and all family for exchange student you send to live with us here in Thailand. But sorry, we no have 18 year old daughter to send you in return.

 

Bok Choy

Bangkok, Thailand

 

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Hey, Meeker:

 

            Who says I'm not the slickest thing since bear grease? You know any other sheriffs who can get a police chief fired just because he's better looking than they are?

 

Terry Ashe

Sheriff of Nottingham's Idol

Wilson County, TN

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker,

 

            Fired nothing. I quit. Find somebody else to deal with that prick.

 

Ex-chief George Farmer

Fed Up To Here, TN

 

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Mr. Meeker:

 

            We, the Citizens for Media Decency, would like to take a moment to address your use of foul language in The Wilson County Advocate. We resent it and wish you would clean up your act. The accepted method of using profanity in a weekly newspaper would be to substitute dashes for certain letters in the offending word. For example, "sh-t" or "da-n" are preferable to using the actual word. We sincerely hope you will adhere to our advice in the future. If not, then you can stick this paper up your a--.

 

Citizens for Media Decency

Church People, TN

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker,

 

            We come in peace.

 

All The Campers Set To Invade The Ward Agriculture Center

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker:

            We're having a ball up here. Last Wednesday, Ike walked up behind Abe and shouted, "Bang!" You should have seen his face. And I thought JFK was going to bust a gut.

 

Lyndon B. Johnson

Dead President's Heaven

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker:

 

            Lebanon City Councilman Joe Hayes paid us a couple of grand not to televise the Lebanon City Council meetings. We think it's called hush money but with Joe you can never tell.

 

WJFB TV-11

Lebanon, TN

 

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Sir:

 

            Do you know what we do in the morning? Tipper goes into the kitchen, makes biscuits, and puts them in the oven. And I've never once considered pushing her head in there and turning on the gas. Well, maybe once, but not seriously.

 

Al Gore

Carthage, TN

 

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Dear Dr. Meeker,

 

            Just doing a little spot-check. How many people do you know out there who have parkways named after them? Let's see those hands!

 

Don Simpson

Maddox-Simpson City, TN

 

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Dear Jim,

 

            I've read all those articles on how to get a woman to go to bed with you, but I've still got to say that a .45 to the temple is better than dinner, flowers, or a trip to Las Vegas.

 

Dave

Out of Town