THE LEBANON CITY COUNCIL

STOP IT, YOU'RE KILLING ME

By

Jimmy Joe Meeker

Originally published in The Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 1, No. 19, ©October 22, 1991 Donald W. Gillette

                First of all, I watched the whole thing on television. I can't go to the meetings in person anymore. My liver won't take it.

            But things are getting bleak. The first person to speak at the Lebanon City Council meeting was the General Manager of Lebanon Cablevision. Ted something or other. While I did realize I was watching the council on TV, I must confess that, for an instant, I considered jamming my fist into the screen in what would have been a futile attempt to rip out this guy's liver. That passed. He wanted to let the council know that Cablevision would broadcast, on Pay Per View, the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight on November 8th. It'll cost $39.95 plus tax and franchise fee (whatever that is) and if you want to see it, you have to come by and pick up some kind of device from Cablevision.

            So there it is. He got a free ad at the City Council meeting and I've given him a free ad here.

            All I've ever wanted out of Lebanon Cablevision is uninterrupted cable. I haven't been able to watch a complete Superbowl for two years without the cable going out, and now they want me to pay $39.95 for a fight that'll probably last about six minutes. I guess they figure they can stay on the air at least that long.

            Anyway, this council meeting, just like the last four, was a real snooze. Nothing of much import going on the city.

            One thing I'd like to know is how Jerry Hunt can find the strength to raise his right hand. Have you seen the size of the rock this guy wears? Liz Taylor would be one jealous bitch if she ever got her eyes on that piece and it's easy to see that we don't have muggers in Lebanon because if we did, we'd have a nine-fingered councilman. A bit ostentatious, but still in all, impressive.

            And on to professional reporting.

            We're going to pave some streets and buy some trucks.

            Don Fox has proven himself the King of Analogy. He said something about a thirsty man drinking too much water and something about a car radio turning into FM and some other stuff I was laughing too loud to hear.

            Gary Keith tried to thank someone, but he wasn't sure who. He likes the TVA insulation program. Does somebody send out pamphlets? Can people get them? Is he really Don Knotts' clone? Should Barney Fife be on the City Council?

            Bobby Wynne wants a traffic light or something on the I-40/Hwy 231 exit. In a city that already lights up like a Christmas tree, another traffic light or stop sign would drive most of us into a wall-punching fit. How about an overpass or an underpass or even a break in the space-time continuum? Mount Juliet did away with their Interstate exit problem by getting a new exit…why can't Lebanon?

            And back to Jerry Hunt. One of his constituents got perturbed because their family dog was picked up and they didn't have 50 bucks to make bail. All they have to do is get the dog his shots and he won't be picked up. Hunt made a valid point, though: what if the family doesn't have 50 bucks? Easy. If they don't have 50 bucks, they don't need a dog. The council got a big kick out of this one. They laughed like hyenas. They'd be laughing all the way to the morgue if one of them got rabies.

            After the meeting, Channel 11 had a brief interview with City Council candidate Jack Roberts. I hope this isn't copyright infringement, but I really don't give a damn. Jack said he wants to debate his challenger, Arah Preston, a member of the county commission, but apparently she's not having any. he said he wants young people to stick around Lebanon instead of migrating to better cities. He admitted he doesn't know much about city government, but that he's willing to learn. I think he's in favor of liquor-by-the-drink (and why do we always hyphenate that?) but it was real hard to tell.

            And he also implied that his mother, who has absolutely no qualifications whatsoever for being on the City Planning Commission or any other commission, would insist that shrubs be planted around all bars.

            There's a signpost up ahead…you've just crossed over into……

            I give up.

XXX