EVERYTHING ABOUT MUSIC
By
Jimmy Joe Meeker
First published in The
Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 3, No. Ó13 April 6, 1993 by Donald
W. Gillette
Likes music at church, funerals, and between innings at ball games. Does not own, and has never thought of buying, stereo equipment or radios except for the ones that wake you up in the morning and have clocks built in that blink 12:00 every time the power goes off. Has only one AM radio and that’s in the car. All the buttons are set to either news stations or talk programs. Despite desperate attempts otherwise, often becomes the father or mother of a music freak.
Owns 8,000 records and 14,000 compact discs. Suffers from 35 percent hearing loss in both ears. Recently purchased speakers nine feet tall. Always gets fifth row center seats for all concerts. Official Dead Head. Saw Pink Floyd movie 200 times. Would sell sister into slavery for a shot at remixing Pyromania.
“Appreciates” music. Played piano well at birth. Can whistle most great classical works. Never heard of Def Leppard or Aerosmith, although admits a fondness for Beatles’ Rubber Soul because of simple but interesting rhythm patters and novel harmonic contrasts. Can maneuver in crowds with cello. Uses the college CD collection and soundproof listening booths; does not own stereo or CDs.
Never listens to any form of music. Has massive collection of records, tapes, and CDs, all wrapped in plastic. Knows the catalog numbers of every Bessie Smith seventy-eight RPM record ever recorded. Likes to chat about the “old Black Tar Moon” label, and so forth. Went on honeymoon to Nashville to hunt for copy of Kentucky Harvest Blues by Myron Glurkovitz.
Cannot tell the difference between Beethoven and U2. Thinks of music as either beautiful or not beautiful. Has large stereo console in living room. Enjoys listening to General Motors demonstration cassette tape that came with the Buick Electra. Likes Barry Manilow because he writes to his parents. Incurable hummer.
Provided
as a service to those of you who have been busy getting jobs, buying homes, and
raising families, and whose last album purchase was Sly and the Family Stone,
here is a brief update on what’s been going on since you’ve been gone.
Starting with the Rolling Stones, they put out a raft of albums, got real old, and Keith Richards got fed up with the same old crap and went out on his own with the X-Pensive Winos. Heavy metal got so heavy it sank. Elton John got a hair transplant, but he’s still a fairy. Joe Cocker declined considerably, surfaced briefly on movie soundtracks, and then puked on himself at a concert. Nine more Jimi Hendrix albums came out, but he’s still dead. Eric Clapton stole George Harrison’s wife, licked his drug problem, and quit drinking which proves that heroin and tequila really do make you play better. Rod Stewart turned into a huge homo. Ozzie Ozbourne scared himself really bad with some devil songs. Bob Dylan’s still around but instead of being the angry young rebel poet, he’s now the wealthy old fart with throat polyps. Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young broke up but recently reunited at a Topanga Canyon Weight Watchers meeting. And that’s about it. All in all, you haven’t missed too much. In fact, all the albums you would have picked up at full list price now go for $1.99 in the bargain bin.
Mrs. Anthony Golden
143 Washburn Place
Gary, Indiana
Milton Harrison
P.O. Box 243
Normoyle, Delaware
If opera is entertainment, then so is watching the cars go up and down at Midas Muffler. Technically, opera is a play that is sung in a foreign language in voices designed to gnaw and grate on the ear and make the ass fall dead asleep.
It was originally begun as a yard sport for lunatics in sixteenth-century Italy and survives today with no changes.
Opera is to be avoided at all costs, and if you should happen to stumble onto some free tickets keep in mind that all the female stars are real fat. And while you’re not expected to be able to judge an opera by its name, keep in mind that The Battered Wife, La Serva Padrona, and Lulu are not nearly as exciting or interesting as you might think.
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