By

Jimmy Joe Meeker

1. Always volunteer to keep score.

2. Always go first and then confuse everybody so that you also go last.

3. If you should happen to lose, never pay off any debts. If you pay off on one bet, you'll have to pay off on another.

4. Treat people equally. It doesn't pay to be selective in who you cheat on. If you cheat your little boy or girl, cheat your wife and grandmother, too. Cheat everyone or cheat no one.

5. No one likes to think of anyone as a cheat. Even if you're a sloppy pig of a cheat, they'll think you're forgetful or stupid before they think you're a cheater.

6. Always make new rules. If you alter the rules at the beginning, you make it easier to alter the rules in the middle and at the end.

7. If you're accused of cheating, counter with an accusation of your own. At worst, you'll deadlock; at best, they'll agree to a rematch and you'll get a chance to cheat again, except this time you'll be more careful.

8. Cheat an old person before a young person, a woman before a man, a poor guy before a rich guy. Never cheat an Italian or a cop.

9. You can't cheat a dog.

10. You can't cheat a Jew.

Let her win the first hand. That way you won't go to hell. Then, since her eyesight is going and she's got the reflexes of a snail, she's a cooking waiting for the bite. Deal her the worst cards in the deck, deal yourself a dozen cards. If she wants you to hit her twice, hit her once. By the time she gets the cards up to her face, she'll have forgotten how many cards she asked for in the first place. If all you want is her pocket money, get yourself one good hand, hold it, and play it over and over. If you're a real son-of-a-snake, let her win a few hands--then raise the stakes and lower the boom.

In this driveway basketball classic, each player receives a letter for each basket he misses until he's missed enough shots to spell out the worse "horse". The dodge here is changing the name of the game to "Pig" if your opponent misses three baskets before you miss five. If that doesn't happen, and you spell out five letters first, claim you were playing "Elephant" and continue playing. If you're playing really badly and extra turns won't help, kick the ball up on the roof and declare the game a tie.

Pardon me, but if you play this game fair and square, you're a moron. The game is simple enough: you play the serial numbers on your paycheck like a poker hand. If you lose, you lose your check. It's risky and the stakes are high, especially if you have a wife, some kids, and a mortgage payment to make. Start watching your paycheck numbers and wait until you get a good hand; then and only then, enter the game. If you buy the payroll office secretary a photocube for her desk, she'll gladly give you a supply of fresh paycheck envelopes. All you do is slip the ringer check in the envelope every week until it wears out. Caution: Since you'll literally be taking the food out of the mouths of children, you have to be discreet. Don't rack up fifteen straight victories. Take some of your winnings and lose once in a while. However, if you're in a management position and play with your subordinates, you don't have to cover yourself too well. Unless they have outside income, they'll never have the balls to challenge you.

People are so eager to win they will very often leap into a bet without even considering it. Try this the next time your lawn needs cutting: Bet your teenage son that he's not strong enough to mow the whole lawn in a half hour. Make sure and slip out just before he finishes so that you won't be there to verify that he did it. He'll claim that he finished, but you tell him that since you didn't see it you have assume that he didn't do it. Be a sport and offer him another bet: Can he clean out the gutters and sweep up the garage in an hour? If the kid takes after your wife's side of the family, you can run this thing all weekend.

The easiest bet in the universe is any bet with a foreigner.

You: I'll bet you that you don't have a nickel in your pocket.

Man from Korea: Oh, how much you will bet for?

You: Fifty bucks, US.

Man from Korea: Here is fifty dollar and here nickel is. I win bet. Pay me please fifty dollar.

You: Fuck you. See you at the noodle factory.

Man from Korea: This is my money! Give it to me! Come back at once!

Without going to a lower order of animal like a county commissioner, you can't find a dumber thing than a teenage girl working part-time in a grocery store. If you walk up to one and tell her that you want to buy wheelchairs for deaf kids and the only way to get the cash is to win the weekly supermarket bingo or whatever kind of game they're playing, she'll roll over like a refugee boat. She'll load you up with so many free cards you'll have to rent a U-Haul.

Buy a shack right across the Kentucky line. Call the state lottery office and claim that your shack is a drugstore, and tell them you want to sell lottery tickets. When your tickets arrive, head down to the dentist's office. Insert an instant winner lottery ticket in either side of your mouth and ask for an X-ray. Continue until you're X-rayed the entire supply of cards. Read the X-rays for the winning numbers. Turn those cards in and sell the ones that won't win. Be aware, however, that the chances of your contracting lottery cancer double.

Dispute everything. Claim that everything hit, kicked, swatted, booted, thrown, or slid is foul, short, long, or anything but what it is. Complain about your opponent's equipment, his tactics, his looks, or the amount of noise he makes when he plays. Bitch about your shoes being too tight, how the sun's in your eyes, or how your clubs, racket, bat, oar, or cap has been tampered with. This should distract him enough to throw his game out of whack.

Chess: If you get into trouble, upset the board and relocate your pieces.

Checkers: Put a small amount of rubber cement on your palm. When you move a piece of your own, press your palm down on one of your opponent's pieces and return it to your "captured" pile.

Monopoly: Miscount moves, refuse to pay rent, set yourself up with credit, make deals so complicated everyone will lose track, play the wrong piece, or make yourself banker and embezzle.

Risk: Throw a drink in your opponent's face. Rearrange the pieces.

1. Make at least one third of the squares impossible bets (Denver over NY Giants by 100, Yankees in nine games over Atlanta, etc.) Sell those to the chicks in the office.

2. Sell your squares for one dollar. A buck never hurts. Even the slope in the mailroom has a buck to throw away.

3. Whenever possible, pay the winner in chances on squares for the following weeks. The odds of him winning a second pool are about as good as finding an honest lawyer.

4. Never sell the squares that have a chance of winning. Claim that these are already sold. It'll cut into your gross earnings, but it'll also keep you from making a big payout.

5. Tell any winner that you accidentally sold the same square you sold him to "that poor gal in accounting whose husband and sister died a couple of weeks ago." If he doesn't offer to donate his winnings to her, he's a real prick.

"At any given time during the course of a game, sporting match, bet, or contest, a father may terminate that event and declare himself winner and champion of the house. He is not required to make a disclosure of his reasons for that action. He may claim as his, an and all stakes or purses. The rule may be invoked at the discretion of the father without limitation. The father may alter the rules of any game, sport, or contest as he sees fit, and may apply special conditions that will affect the performance of his opponents to his benefit. No father shall be required to handicap his efforts to equalize contests with younger children. No mother shall interfere with the invoking of the father rule under threat of penalty of not less than no car for a week, and not to exceed wearing last year's winter coat this winter."