LETTERS TO THE DOCTOR

Editor’s note: As always, The Wilson County Advocate doubts the validity of any of these letters. We do not, for one minute, believe Dr. Meeker actually received them from valid sources despite his claims to the contrary. Of course, we could be wrong…it’s happened before.

First Published in The Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 3, No. 9 ÓMarch 9, 1993 by Donald W. Gillette

Dear Dr. Meeker:

I don’t know if I have what it takes to be in the Army, but I was hoping you could help me out. I can run ten miles and not even break a sweat. I do fifty push-ups every morning at 5:00 AM right before breakfast and top that off with a fifty-mile hike every weekend. Also, I think girls are yucky.

Sincerely,

One of Bill Clinton’s Recruits

Queer Nation, USA

Dear Dr. Meeker:

I guess the reason why God put soft spots on babies’ heads was so we could carry them five at a time.

Sincerely,

Nurse Rachett

Having Babies Floor

Humana Hospital

Dear Doc:

It’s not so bad up here. I play cards with Red Foxx and Eleanor Roosevelt on Wednesdays and I have lunch with Lyndon Johnson Saturday. I do miss my cigarettes, though. Somehow I got stuck in the nonsmoking section. The computer must be on the fritz.

Sincerely,

Sammy Davis, Jr.

Paradise

Dear Jimmy Joe:

Don’t talk to me. I didn’t vote anybody into office who hired a bunch of out-of-town people for the good jobs, killed a bunch of pigeons on the square, and then gave himself an Appreciation Barbecue. I voted for the other guy.

Sincerely,

Mayor Bobby Jewell

Lebanon, Tennessee

Dear Dr. Jimmy Joe Meeker:

You want to know what’s wrong with us? We’re nuts. Just crazy, crazy, crazy. There’s no reason why we run through the streets breaking things and shooting machine guns. We just do it.

Thank you,

The Warlords of Somolia

Banana Republic

Dear Mr. Meeker:

This is a chain letter. Copy this letter and add your name to the bottom of the list. Then take a gold tablespoon and gouge out one of your eyeballs. Send it to the name ahead of you on the list and mail the copy to another person like you. In two days you should receive a replacement eyeball.

Yours truly,

Sandy Duncan and Peter Falk

Dear Dr. Meeker,

Are you doing a piece on racism at Lebanon High School? That sounds good. I think we’re doing a piece on racism at Lebanon High School, too. Only about a year after you.

Regards,

The Lebanon Democrat

Lebanon, Tennessee

Dear Mr. Meeker:

I’ve spent my entire term on the City Council without saying a word! Sometimes I nod my head, but I never say anything! Rats…I thought you were the Guinness Book of World Records. Forget it.

Yours,

Joe Hayes

Lebanon Silent Council

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Please pass this on to all Chevy Truck owners out there: Sorry about the gas tanks. I’d like to make it up to you someday. Let me buy you a drink. Meanwhile, if any of you live in the Detroit area and you need a ride anywhere, give me a call.

Thanks,

Chairman of General Motors

Grosse Point, Michigan

Dear Dr. Meeker,

In light of the recent postal reorganization, I thought it might be helpful to explain the various worker classifications. First there are the mean, cranky ones who take forever to wait on you at the post office. Then there are the ones who see to it that mail bound for Nashville ends up in Memphis and vice versa. Finally, there are the letter carriers who throw your mail in the shrubs and park in the middle of the streets. And don’t forget that ZIP code!

Sincerely,

“Carvin’” Marvin Runyon

Postmaster Lieutenant

Washington, DC

Dear Jimmy Joe:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Please ask County Attorney Mike Jennings to stop giving his lame opinions on my veto power to anybody who’ll listen to him…or I will be forced to veto his monkey ass.

Regards,

Don Simpson

Hanging Tough at the Courthouse

Dear Dr. Meeker:

I’m stupid, my nose is crooked, and I’m about as articulate as a koala bear. Yet every night the sexiest woman in the world sleeps with me. Go figure it out.

Thanks,

Richard Gere

Bad Actor City, California

Dear Dr. Meeker:

Okay. I’m a faggot. Are you happy now?

Regards,

Michael Jackson

Almost Never Land

Dear Jimmy Joe,

Just a note to remind you that Lebanon city health ordinances require you to pick up after any personal or professional comments about City Attorney Calvin Turner.

Thanks,

Commissioner of Public Sleep

Lebanon, Tennessee

Dear Doctor Meeker:

About that contraceptive foam. It tastes awful good, but it sure doesn’t work very well. Maria’s the size of Lou Ferrigno and she’s just ordered her third pizza.

Bye,

Arnold Schwarznegger

Marie Shriver Kennedy City

Dear Dr. Meeker,

I just don’t get it. We used to have a vice president who spelled potato “potatoe” and now we have one who spells it “tater.” What gives?

Sincerely,

Julia Child

Boston, Massachusetts