LETTERS TO SANTA

First Published in The Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 2, No. 50 ©December 15, 1992 by Donald W. Gillette

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is peace on earth and good will toward men. And a .44 Magnum.

Yours truly,

Jeff Grinderly

Dear Santa,

Please tell your son Jesus to come kill my big sister. She eats all the Fruit Loops and she puts boogars under her desk at school. Nobody likes her and she calls me "asshole" when my parents aren't around.

Your friend,

Billy Klondike

Dear Santa,

Where do you live when you are not coming down chimneys on Christmas Eve? My daddy says you live in a big castle up on a hill, but I know that you are not really the Sheriff.

See you soon,

Danielle Bedwetter

Dear Santa,

I do not want you to come to my house this year because every winter I get a cold and I think you bring it. Besides, I have to clean up the mess your reindeer leave on the roof because daddy says that is what kids are for.

Your buddy,

Terry Yilliam

Dear Santa,

You are not real. Every Christmas I wake up and go downstairs and you haven't left me any presents. We don't even have a tree. I don't believe in you.

Sincerely,

Solomon Epstein

Dear Santa and Rudolph,

Please bring me a bazooka for Christmas. There are some people around here I need to take care of.

Best Wishes,

Jerry Yoman

Dear Santa,

If you're so fat, how do you get seven deers to pull you around? Is it because you're magic or because you hit them with a whip? I whip my dog but he won't even pull me down the street even when I hit him real hard and draw blood and he starts to bark and scream like a little girl. Please help me.

Your friend,

Charles Manson

Dear Santa,

I saw mommy kissing you underneath the mistletoe. You look like our neighbor, Mr. Hilton. Bring me a puppy and I'll keep my mouth shut.

Your buddy,

Jeremy Nospeak

Dear Santa,

Please be careful when you come to my house this year. Daddy sleeps on the couch with a butcher knife because he gets too drunk to walk upstairs and he thinks mommy's going to sneak up on him at night and slit his throat.

Good luck,

Mikey Grinchley

Dear Santa Claus,

I am sorry I got scared when I sat on your lap at the mall but you smelled like old shoes and your eyes were glazed over. I am also sorry about wetting your lap. Please bring me a horse and some American cheese which I like.

Your friend,

Wanda Hillary

Dear Santa,

My brother said that all those Santas who collect money in buckets for poor people are really your helpers and they use the money to buy drugs for their sex slaves. I think that's neat.

Yours truly,

Nicolas Beet

Dear Santa,

No matter what you heard, I didn't do it.

Really.

Georgie Wow

Dear Santa,

My mother says that this year we're going to hang a big star from the top of our Christmas tree. Please bring Whitney Houston to my house because she is the biggest star I can think of. After we take her down, my brother says he can use for her lots of things that I'm too young to understand. He also says I can watch if I promise not to tell.

Sincerely,

Jimmy Dingleberry

Dear Santa,

You can bring me all the presents you have made for the Muslim kids because they don't believe in you. My friend Sarah Beth wants the ones you made for Jewish kids.

Your best buddy,

Maria Jilliam

Dear Santa,

Our preacher says if we mix up the letters in your name we get "Satan" and that it's bad to ask for things because they come from the Devil. I say, "Screw him."

Sincerely,

Jerry Nesbitt

Dear Santa,

Nothing for me this year, thanks.

Ta-ta,

Michael Jackson