THE QUEERS AND CRACKER BARREL

HOW LONG, OH LORD, HOW LONG?

By

Jimmy Joe Meeker

 

"...in most bitter connections with demons you did commit the unspeakable crime of buggery..."

Compendium Maleficarium

Francesco Maria Guazzo - 1595 AD

 

First Published in The Wilson County Advocate, Vol. 1, No. 26 (c)December 3, 1991 by Donald W. Gillette

 

I love Barbara Walters.

But if I ever heard an editorializing bitch shoot her mouth off on network TV, I heard one Friday night during the "20/20" story on Cracker Barrel. Babs said she would never eat at Cracker Barrel. And I hope the plate of beans intended for her doesn't send them into bankruptcy, but this New York magpie was way out of line.

I used to think that The Wilson County Advocate editorialized too much. Hah! We don't hold a candle to "20/20".

Have you noticed that we've been laying off the faggots lately? We haven't said much about the Cracker Barrel protests. It's because we ran two stories a week apart about these protests when they were hot and heavy and people wrote in to tell us they were tired of it. "Queer-bashing" is how one person put it.

So we said okay. We laid off for a while. Sometimes the people who protest the loudest about things like this get labeled. They get accused of being phobic--you know, scared.

Well, I'm not scared.

Especially of men who wear pantyhose.

And frankly, I've had enough of these perverted bastards to last me the rest of my miserable life.

I'm really sick of this homo stuff in the news and I'm sure the rest of you are, too. The homos don't like Cracker Barrel because Cracker Barrel doesn't like the homos. So instead of simply not eating at Cracker Barrel and telling all their homo friends not to eat at Cracker Barrel, the homos dress up in their best homo clothes, grab their homo partners, and drive up from Nashville and even way the hell up from Atlanta in their pink homo cars to picket in Lebanon where we don't have many homos of our own.

Hey, homos: Get the hell out of here.

They've got organizations. Like one called Queer Nation and another called National Alliance for Gays and Lesbians, and even one called There's Something Wrong With Me And I Talk Like A Girl Unless I Am One And Then I Talk Like A Guy Because I'm So Damned Confused I Don't Know What To Do And My Mother Hated Me And My Father Was A Brute And You Look Lovely In Those Leather Pants And I Could Just Cry If You'll Tie Me Up First.

Give me a break. Let's get real in this country. This is America.

Rock Hudson was a homo. We didn't know it and he didn't want us to know it. He kept it to himself and we didn't have to listen to any bullshit from him about his rights to cook country ham.

Liberace was a fag. We knew it from looking at him but he never told us. We suspected, but since he didn't come right out and tell the world, we didn't mind. Because he kept it to himself.

So why can't homos today keep it to themselves? They can do whatever they want, just don't tell us about it. We don't care and we don't want to know.

As much as they'd like us to, we can't treat homos like any other minority group because they're really not a minority group. A real minority group in this country is not perverse. Blacks are a minority group because there are fewer blacks than other races. Hispanics are a minority group because there are fewer of them. Catholics are a minority group in the South, Baptists are a minority group in the North, and midgets are a minority group anyplace. But each of these groups is normal. There are subcultures within their groups, but excluding these few exceptions, they're normal. They know which sex to take out on a date.

And by the way, women have been putting us on for years. They're not a minority group. There are more of them than there are men, although you couldn't have proven it by me last Saturday night.

Sexual deviants are not a true minority group. There are a lot of sexual deviants in America and I'd put some money on a bet that there are a lot of deviants right here in Wilson County. You might know some. There are people who like to dress up in their wife's clothes, people who make obscene phone calls, people who like to watch but don't like to do, and people who go to church every Wednesday and every Sunday and have a library of porno films that would embarrass any slut on Murfreesboro Road. But none of these people belong to organizations and they don't picket companies who won't hire them. And to my way of thinking, these people are a lot less offensive than a pack of perverts holding hands and chanting about "bigots in their biscuits." A guy who wears woman's clothes or collects bullwhips doesn't parade around in front of Shoney's and try to make me puke while I'm trying to get some lunch.

I'd rather run into a pack of Hari Krishna's at the Nashville International Airport than see two faggots holding hands and eating lunch at Arby's. It just makes me sick.

The television show "20/20" plays liberal. They slant their stories that way. In the same show about homos, they featured a so-called man who caved in to a bull-dyke psychotherapist. Come on, now. What the hell is going down here?

They called Danny Evins an ultra-conservative. A lot of us in this county know Danny Evins. He's an ultra-conservative like Ronald Reagan was a communist.

We're getting real good at playing liberal in this country, but we've been playing liberal for too long. Now, the faggots have got some of us believing that what they do is normal, that they're a true minority group, that they should be pitied and given special treatment because they can't help being faggots.

Bullshit.

They're crazy.

There is nothing uglier on the face of the earth to a man than another man, but they don't see it that way. Real women like the way men look. They don't like the way other women look. When these sick sons-of-bitches were young, somebody dropped them on their collective heads.

God, I hate word processors more and more each day. I just spelled "somebody" as "someboy". I guess the faggots would love that, but the machine will correct it. The machine can correct spelling, but it can't correct demented thinking. It can't make "someboy" change into "somegirl".

How long, oh Lord?

How did it get to this? How did we allow a tribe of degenerate psychopaths to be recognized as a legitimate minority group? If I were Black or Hispanic or Asian, I'd be mad as hell. Even madder than I am right now. I'm Irish.

Real minority groups should be furious. Faggots have somehow managed to throw in with real minorities to gain legitimacy.

Wuch you talkin' 'bout? íCaramba! Begorrah!

There is nothing legitimate about faggots. Nothing. If it weren't for them, Magic Johnson would still be playing for the Lakers; and while he came by the HIV virus honestly, I'll guarantee you that there was a homo somewhere in the chain.

Thanks a lot, you bastards. You gave us the black death of the twentieth century and now, we're supposed to feel pity for you? Like hell.

I'm almost radically liberal, but I part company with the rest of the liberals on this issue.

To hell with homos. They don't deserve rights. They deserve a good psychiatrist or a firing squad. They are not normal, no matter what Barbara Walters says. They are sick. They deviate from the norm.

One of the worst epithets you can toss at an enemy is to call him either a homo, a fag, a queer, or a gay. But they're proud of it. They advertise.

We can't even use the English language in the manner it was intended anymore because the fags have managed to mangle it along with their minds.

"Queer" is supposed to mean odd, strange, deviating from the norm. But not anymore. Now it means homosexual. "Gay" is supposed to mean happy. But not anymore. Now it means homosexual. "Butch" is supposed to be a hairstyle. But not anymore. Now it means homosexual. We can't even talk about the Three Stooges in public because if you mention Moe, somebody gets gun shy.

I want the English language back.

And let's look at another aspect of this phenomenon: the media. They play us like an old guitar. The media's crying and moaning about these poor down-trodden sickos hasn't helped at all. Madonna's dancers are all faggots and they're all great dancers and when we see Madonna we have to think that if a babe like that can surround herself with faggots, maybe they're not all bad. Truman Capote was a faggot and when we read something by Truman Capote, we have to think that maybe faggots are okay. The artist Robert Maplethorpe was a faggot and when we see his work, we have to think that maybe he was a real visionary.

But this is where the media sucks us in, if you'll pardon the pun. These people are the exception to the rule.

For every Truman Capote, there's a John Updike, a Kurt Vonnegut, an Isaac Bashevis Singer, and a hundred Stephen King's. For every Robert Maplethorpe, there's a Jackson Pollack, a Francis Bacon, a Vincent Van Gogh and twenty David Hackney's, and for every Madonna there's nobody. But she's straight. She just hires queers to dance around her and make fools of themselves by wearing bras.

You don't have to be a faggot to dance and you don't have to be a faggot to take photos. And speaking from experience, you damn sure don't have to be a faggot to write. Especially if what you write is thinly disguised ranting and raving. Like this stuff.

So please, Queer Nation and all of your sister groups of sick, shameless perverts, stay the hell out of Lebanon. We don't like you, we don't care about your miserable screwed-up childhoods, we don't care what you think about Cracker Barrel, and we damn sure don't care what you think about us. Just leave this place alone. We've got enough trouble.

Don't try to hit us with your purses and don't expose us to your particular brand of lunacy. Keep it to yourselves. Stay in Nashville and Atlanta. If we need you, we know which rocks to look under.

And please, Cracker Barrel, don't hire these assholes to work in your restaurants. You stand to make a killing over this no-fag policy, anyway. Me and a bunch of other people kind of like the idea that we can eat food prepared by a guy named Jim whose wife's name is not Jack or George. We also like the waitresses, some of whom, by the way, are particularly fond of a certain working journalist who will remain nameless but tips extremely well.

I don't have any sympathy for homos. They are sexual deviants. Just like child molesters, necrophiliacs, and voyeurs, they need to be put away for a long, long time. But put the fags in a women's prison and the dykes in a men's prison. Disregarding all the psychological hoopla printed over the past few years, I'm betting in a situation like that, they'd all be cured in about a year.

So, that's it. Nothing more about homos from me, ever, I promise.

Unless one of them tries to put the make on me. Then you can hear it all again at the trial.

No one here gets out alive. Especially the faggots.

 

XXX