[Note for non Washingtonians: Mike Lowry was the governor of my home state of Washington concurrent with Bill Clinton’s first presidential term, only a lot less subtle about his leftism and a whoooole lot uglier. ‘Tis a pity that the Arkansas horndog didn’t follow the chinless Foster Brookes-lookalike’s lead.]

"President Bill Clinton, a politician known for his unpredictability, lived up to his reputation today. Citing family concerns, Clinton bowed out of a re-election campaign that few thought he could win but few thought he'd walk away from.

"`I will not be running for re-election for president this year,' he told a packed White House press conference. Clinton appeared with wife Hillary and daughter Chelsea and was surrounded by his weeping staff and Cabinet secretaries, who carried on as though he'd been diagnosed HIV-positive (Come to think of it, you never know; maybe the female staff was weeping with relief...). They had only been informed of his decision minutes before.

"`We talked about it, and our privacy is very important to us,' the fifty-year-old Clinton said. `But also to be able to devote 100% of my time to the job of being president and saving America from Generalissimo Francisco Buchanan, and getting a leg up on memoirs and book deals to try and pay off all our legal debts was the overriding factor in my decision. I do not want to be distracted from that by campaigning. These are easy decisions. I have a year to go, and then there are other things in life.'

"Clinton's announcement surprised, relieved, and brought out striking candor in his supporters. `He has stood for our issues and fought for the little guy in this country,' gushed Democratic National Committee Chairman and Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT). `But the controversy he's been embroiled in has been a problem he's just been unable to shake.'

"That controvery is multi-faceted. From the ethical turpitudes and incompetence of several members of his Cabinet to the Travel Office and Paula Jones affairs to the encroaching criminal indictments of himself and his wife over numerous Whitewater-related matters, Mr. Clinton's presidency has been the most scandal-ridden since Warren G. Harding.

"Still, evasive to the end, the president denied that any of this had any effect on his decision. `That had nothing to do with it,' Clinton insisted. `I think the campaign would have worked out fine. But who knows?'

"The polls, actually. Despite media-inflated numbers, the president's political standing has never been high and hasn't improved. Even Stan Greenberg, his personal pollster, could produce little good news for Clinton. `He could retain enough of a base to be competitive, but he'd have a hell of a time winning re-election. It would have been hard for him to have put together 50% plus one,' Greenberg sighed.

"If Clinton's staff appeared distraught, liberal special interests appeared apoplectic -- at least publically. `He's been great on war and peace issues, he's been great on women's issues, he's been great on labor issues,' sobbed National Organization of Women head Patricia Ireland. `I think it's a big loss for us,' said a spokesman for ACT-UP. `Bill Clinton has been the best president on gay/lesbian issues in the nation's history. He never backed...uh, well, he's been great...just great.' Environmental leaders were ready to canonize Clinton as a pagan saint. `This man deserves to be venerated, not dragged through disheartening battles,' huffed Ahaz Baal of Environmentalists for a Socialist Majority. `We've never had such good access to a president...well, we've never had ANY access to a president before Mr. Clinton,' lamented National Family Redefinition Coalition president Luke Sissyfag. All agreed that they couldn't see any Democratic alternative whose tactical compass will have so little difficulty pointing in any direction needed, instead of sticking irritatingly on political north.

"Clinton's retirement brings Vice President Al Gore to the forefront as heir apparent, and he wasted no time in assuming the role. `The GOP had used the president as their poster boy in every election since 1992,' Gore thundered at a hastily-called press conference of his own. `Now they've destroyed him, and in so doing, blown off their own feet.' With a guffaw, Gore added, `What would Franco have done if he'd arrived in Madrid only to find the loyalist government had escaped and was now attacking him from behind? Looks like ol' Pat [Buchanan] will have to rip out his political transmission shifting gears.'

"While analysts acknowledge that Mr. Gore lacks Clinton's political baggage, he still has that nagging rigor mortis problem. While making his comments, the Veep had to continually fend off loggers trying to draw a big "X" on his torso. Mr. Buchanan, when asked for his reaction, shrugged and quipped, `I'll just have to go borrow an axe and some of Lamar Alexander's shirts.' Senator Bob Dole was taking a nap and was unavailable for comment."

This story is real, with one exception: the chief executive in question is not President Clinton, but Washington Governor Mike Lowry. However, the two men have a great deal in common. Both are career socialists. Both have served in Congress and been state governors. Both have been sued for sexual harassment. Both ran and won in 1992 by posing as "New Democrats." Both raised taxes after promising tax cuts, and Lowry even succeeded in enacting Clintoncare at the state level (though he had to use political thuggery against four Democratic state senators to force them to change their votes, and it was largely repealed last summer). And both are manifestly unpopular.

What differences there are between Lowry and Clinton derive from personal style and external circumstances. Lowry has the politically debiltating (for a liberal) trait of being chronically honest about what he believes. In a state as liberal as Washington he still was blown out in two state-wide races before finally capturing the governor's mansion four years ago. He has never enjoyed the benefits of sitting atop a state political machine, as Clinton has.

However, aside from the sexual harassment suit against him (which he, unlike Mr. Bill, wisely settled out of court for $97,000), Lowry has been untainted by the slightest hint of scandal, going so far as to cut his own pay by over $20,000 annually by simply refusing to accept it. The Seattle press backs him as fervently as the national media does Clinton. Lowry doesn't drag anywhere near the baggage with him that the president does. And yet the governor has thrown in the towel.

There is a striking lesson for the White House in Mike Lowry's decision not to seek a second term. In doing so, he has put his family ahead of his own political ambitions. He has eschewed the chutzpah that would have had him see himself as synonymous with the state he has nearly ruined. He has cleansed himself of any dictatorial impulse to cling to power regardless of cost or consequences.

And even then, there are swirling rumors abounding that Lowry's announcement was something less than purely voluntary. He is said to have had a shouting match with state Democratic Party chairman Paul Berendt, and that no less than Bill Clinton himself was called in during his visit to western Washington a couple of weeks ago to demand that Lowry step down for fear of costing him the state's electoral votes in the fall.

The president is missing the point. With his 1993 tax hike collapsing the economy toward recession, with the spring campaign season approaching in Bosnia, and with Al D'Amato and Kenneth Starr busily braiding his & hers nooses, Mike Lowry is the least of Mr. Clinton's problems. He instead ought to be following the governor's example, and step down, allowing his party to nominate a viable candidate for the fall.

That he is not is the most telling difference of all.