Top Ten Reasons Joe Missed the Marathon Team By Brian Boyer

10. Underdressed...tried to excite the crowd by stripping off T-shirt, gloves, and hat...only ended up cold and crowd wanted to hurl.

9. Did not puke...puking is required as test of manhood in the marathon after Bob K.'s surge and hurl tactics.

8. Playboy running team did not show up to cheer Joe on after pledging support in fall.

7. No high jumpers...Joe enjoys running the 10k on the track cause female high jumpers are on the infield...marathon did not have that.

6. Craig Masback did not give him enough respect on TV. Joe deserved to be acknowledged as more than "the tall one from Princeton."

5. Lack of dates. Joe's monastic existence precluded any social activity. Or was lack of social activity cause of monastic life????

4. Genetics. Joe should have had better parents.

3. Web surfing. Too much searching for hot "Women of the World" on the web wore him out.

2. Jet assist. Joe did not eat enough gas producing food to provide withering jet assist over last 7 miles. Would propel him and disgust the others.

1. Joe was afraid being an Olympian would bring him too many female admirers. Did not want to be a "piece of meat". Subconsiously ran slow to avoid this fate worse than death.

And that's the truth...BDB

Top 10 reasons Joe's nickname is Lemoo By Dan Ng '89

10) That new nasal-septum ring

9) Extra nipples (that's not actually true, just a joke - ed)

8) Produces lots of methane

7) Eats plenty of greens

6) Sleeps standing up

5) Ruminates

4) Has four stomaches (have you seen him eat?)

3) He causes high cholesterol

2)Vegetarians stay away from him

And the number 1 reason Joe's nickname is Lemoo:

1) Hung like a bull!!!

Top Ten Ways Joe can get more chicks By Brian Boyer

10) Wear real clothes more - less ragged sweat gear

9) Maintain "buff" physique - less fat and more pecs

8) Shave and clip nose hairs - hygiene heats honeys

7) Continue working out at health club - sooner or later you'll find a chick with a fetish for muscled but skeletal guys

6) Discard high tech fart box - or date really skanky chicks

5) Run through all-girl college campus - good odds

4) Try www dating page - I'll send you the address

3) Buy a cute puppy = chick magnet

2) Don't hang out around geeks - guilt by association

1) Be suave and sophisticated - ride MEtro-North in search of violinists and other sensitive artist babes - they dig quiet guys.

Top 10 reasons why Joe will make the Olympic Team By Charles Adams

10. Methane gas will propel him to victory in the trials

09. Joe cheats like crazy

08. Joe is good friends with the officials

07. Wheaties wants it to happen so Joe can grace their cereal box

06. Olympic Team needs a good role model like Joe

05. Anything less would be unacceptable

04. He wears American Flag Boxer Shorts under running gear for good luck

03. Joe has numerous medals and awards and figures an Olympic medal would be a neat one to throw in the closet with the others

02. The Psychic Friends Network said he will

And the number one reason why Joe will make the Olympic Team is --- JUST

BECAUSE !!!