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Here are few good mechanic's and old truck jokes. Let me know if you know a good one. More to come!
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Old Truck Jokes |
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Here are few good mechanic's and old truck jokes. Let me know if you know a good one. More to come!
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One day an old Dodge mechanic was working late under his truck and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad," he thought.
The next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything.
The following day the mechanic told his friend about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.
A few days later the mechanic was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend, "This brake fluid is really great stuff." His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem, man" the mechanic replied. "I can quit any time."
A young blonde stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every bitch in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, "Perhaps an old truck" she mused to herself.
That week she grabbed a copy of the local Auto Trader and fell in love with a beautiful old Dodge truck. It was restored perfectly and every speck of chrome shined like a star.
The salesman told her that these old trucks required some quirky maintenance - a little squirt of oil here once a week, a few pumps of grease here twice a week, and so on. The blonde didn't mind, and with a quick flash of the Visa card, she was off driving down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new truck. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could go wrong? With that there was a few coughs from the engine and the pretty truck coasted to a stop.
She got out and lifted the hood. After a few minutes she realized that she didn't have a clue as to what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone. A quick phone call to AAA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow tow-truck pull up behind her.
The bowlegged old tow-truck driver ambled up to her and said, "That
sure is a beauty of a truck. What seems to be the matter?"
"Well it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look," he said, "There ain't much to these old flatheads"
He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a kitten again.
"Oh goody!" she said, "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just sh** in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, great!. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.
"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the
engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job,
really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust
pipe."
When my wife and I arrived at the Dodge dealership to pick up
our truck, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
OLD DODGE MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the chaos principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire.
METRIC SOCKETS: Once used for working on Japanese cars, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch!"
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering the car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs as fast as you can screw them into the socket. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the precious metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent screw.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, come over here a minute. I got a question for you."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, take a look at what I do here. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, they purr like a kitten. So how come you make a million dollars a year, and I get about 12 bucks an hour? It seems that you and I are doing just about the same thing."
Dr. DeBakey though for a moment, and then leaned over and whispered to Morris,
"Try doing it with the engine running."
A Dodge truck driver would amuse himself by running over Ford drivers that were working on their trucks by the side of the road. Whenever he saw a Ford on the side of the road, he would swerve to hit whoever was standing around the opened hood. He would enjoy the satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the Dodge man was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over."How did you get the new truck, Bubba?" says Earl
"Well this ol' gal picks me up in this big ole truck the other day, drives way out in the country, stops, gets out, and takes off all her clothes. Then she says, "You can have any thing you want."
"So I took the truck."
"Damn, that was smart" says Earl. "None of them clothes would
have fit you."
The Five "Must Haves" for Old Dodge Truck Work!
If you work on old Dodge trucks, especially those with a flathead six, there are a few certain products that must be in every tool box. Lets take a look.
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in silvery
plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery,
insulation, tow rope, and more, in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's
a prejudice surrounding duct tape in certain snooty circles, but in the real
world everyone from rocket scientists to NASCAR drivers use it by
the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter
and a phone booth.
2. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig snot and has 1001 uses.
Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red
tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed. The nozzle is
definitely one of the ten worst tools of all time.
3. Plastic Zip Ties: After years of lashing down stray hoses and
wires with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version
to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of
amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest
into something remotely resembling an actual wiring harness. Of course, it works
both ways. When buying a used truck, subtract $100 for each zip tie visible
under the hood.
4. Baling Wire: Commonly known as Dodge truck muffler brackets, baling
wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not
recommended for visible jobs since it works so well you'll never
replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite
in some circles, particularly those from the south.
5. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's
admit it, there's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking,
splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly
when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice
for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver -- and
you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said -- who cares? It's
guaranteed.
