Sixteen months into this ordeal, I realized that I was in a deep funk. Jogger was doing great and I found myself completely in emotional shutdown. I knew the signs. I knew how to care for myself. How did I let myself get to this stage?
It became obvious as family, friends, and co-workers all started to express concern. I was described as non-functional. I was humbled by their love. If it can be just a matter of mind over matter I would start feeling better. However, although I was starting to feel again, I was feeling bad. I knew I needed professional help. I reached out to Gail Bishop from the ARGUS Foundation at CSU. I am fortunate that CSU has grief counselors. We connected immediately. I got to say that she helped me tremendously and if you ever find yourself in a deep emotional funk, there are resources out there. You do not have to go through this alone.
I struggled. I was so consumed with the fear of Jogger’s cancer spreading to her lungs that I never realized that it already spread into my life. I needed my life back. I needed the cancer out of my life. I wanted this whole situation to be over with. Oh my, the guilt and feelings with saying such words. How selfish of me. The fear is real. The indecisions and uncertainty is constant. As I came out of my emotional funk, I realized that my journey had just begun.
I think that we must all deal with our demons or they will show up and repeat themselves. I also believe that we live in this physical world and sometimes we just have to suck it up and function, even if it is on the basic of levels.
Long-term survival usually equates to long-term stress. This disease can be all consuming in time and energy. I did what I could in hope of extended quality life. Although I can never go back to the innocent days of normalcy, I can achieve balance. I must allow myself to enjoy the moments that I am given.
I know our path will have its share of ups and downs. I am questioning Jogger's treatment and where we go from here. When do we say enough is enough? I am becoming more conservative in her treatment options as I am not as willing to take the risks that I once did. Every day is precious and I will take the known good day versus the unknown multiple days.
I feel fortunate as if I have been given a second chance. It is more than just the hope of continued extended survival. It is truly appreciating and becoming aware that it is not about death, but about life. It is the moment. I describe my relationship with Jogger as one that is profoundly connected. I close my eyes and embrace the depth of her essence, as this is the energy that will transcend all worlds and be ours forever.
My friend, if you are reading this, I can empathize with your journey. I wish I could pass on some fail-proof solution. It is not the outcome, the length of survival, choices that we make that measure the degree of success. I don’t know if there is a master plan and answers to any of the questions. I do know that I make my own choices with my heart and soul and do the best I can. No regret comes when my mind aligns with these decisions. In my deepest and most inner thoughts, my mind races, I often wonder if this is all there is. In the heart of my emotions, I must still, and I am at peace for I have all that I need.
Jogger is doing great. She reminds me that I promised her at the very beginning that I would fight as long as she was willing to fight. I faltered, but now I am back. I will never leave her, and I will stand by her side as she does mine.
May you find healthy and helpful methods to light and guide you on your path. Please be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to embrace all emotions; to laugh, to love, to forgive, and to grieve. Peace and strength to you.
Feb. 19, 2004; 18 months post dx.
Acknowledgements:
Special warm love to Adam Bratten. God Bless you. Our conversations are heart-felt and I am so glad that the quantum leaps of the universe have led me to you. Adam is my Performance Enhancement Coach.
No words are adequate for the support that I have received from Gail Bishop. I once heard the greatest gift you can give someone is a better understanding of themselves. Thank you Gail for sharing in my struggles and joining me in our journey.