BALM
by perletwo
The basement's layout had changed again, Buffy noted.
The ambiance hadn't, though. It was still dark, dank and unnaturally cold for sunny Cali, and every noise still rang through the clammy air like a bell.
Even so, it didn't take her long to find what - *who* - she was looking for.
"Hey."
Spike barely glanced up at her greeting. "Back again. So soon? People will talk, you know...."
Buffy did a quick double-take. "Um, actually I haven't been down here for a couple days. Sorry 'bout that. Been preoccupied with, um - Slayer stuff. Yeah."
Sighing, she plopped down on the floor beside him, pulling her knees up under her arms and resting her head on her wrists to mimic his pose. "Oh, who'm I kidding? You always could see through me anyway...I've been preoccupied all right...with a guy."
Spike's head hung even lower at that.
"No, not like *that* - well, yeah, sorta like that, but - it was a spell, see." One hand twisted at the stretchy string of beads around her opposite wrist. "Picture it - me, Dawn, Willow and Anya, all fighting over this one lame-ass high school kid..."
This brought no response from the vampire, not even a twitch, and she wondered if he'd even heard. "Hey! On a good day, you'd'a considered that mental image prime wanking material, Buster! Now you can't even crack a smile for it?"
Spike's head didn't turn. But his eyes slipped closed, and a faint hint of a grin ghosted across his lips.
"So anyway. Dawn's sulking, Willow's got a grief-and-guilt two-fer goin' on that's a real downer to live with, and Anya's really regretting giving up the vengeance demon gig when she did." Buffy sighed heavily, snuck a sideways glance at Spike. The elastic in the bead bracelet bit into her wrist as she gave it a vicious twist.
"And me, I'm thinking this wallowing-in-the-basement thing you've got goin' on is lookin' pretty darn good right about now. So I thought I'd come give it a shot for awhile." The elastic snapped, and Buffy's fingers closed tight around the ends before the beads could fly off. Spike flinched at the sound, high and sharp in the damp air like the crack of a whip.
"You know what's really dumb? I was happy, for a minute there." She pulled the bracelet off and studied it, then plucked a bead from the string and pitched it angrily away. "The spell took away all my judgement and ethics and my free will, and I just watched 'em go with a smile on my face and a song in my heart."
The bead hit something further into the gloom with a sharp ::ping::, and he flinched again.
"So what I'm starting to think is, you were right about me the first time. Can't keep 'em once I let 'em outta bed." She yanked angrily at another bead. "I'm thinkin', maybe I'm just no good at this life and love thing." Another ::ping:: in the darkness. "I'm a lousy sister..." ::ping:: "...a lousy friend..." ::ping:: "...and a pathetic excuse for a lover..." ::ping::ping::ping:: "...if I can only give myself to a guy 'cause of a spell!"
She stopped, breathed deeply in an attempt to calm herself.
"See, the only thing I'm any good at at all is Slaying. I don't know how to get Dawn to stop being mad at me." ::ping:: "I don't know how to ease Willow's pain over losing Tara." ::ping:: "And you..."
A dry sob racked her. "I tried to tell you this before - I can't love you - not 'cause I don't want to - I'm just not any good at it is all." He stole a quick glance, then looked away and let his head drop again.
"It's just, you were so *good* at this, y'know? When Willow brought me back, I mean." ::ping:: "And you didn't even have the soul then." ::ping:: "But all I know how to do is make things worse for you - "
Spike caught both her hands in one of his before she could launch another bead, and while she was still registering that contact, his mouth covered hers, pressing gently and stealing the breath from her body.
A low sound rattled deep in her throat, sealed in by his kiss. Electricity thrummed through her bones and brain, paralyzing every other impulse but to kiss him back. A dizzy sensation of falling washed over her, and her sense of time collapsed in upon itself.
He broke away and looked at her, eyes blazing bright.
"You don't make things worse for me," he said, voice clear and lucid. "You're the reason I haven't walked out into the sun."
Her eyes widened, and a tiny squeak escaped her mouth. Then she jumped up and ran.
The slam of the basement door echoed through the room like a gunshot.
Spike's fingers brushed against his lips.
She tasted like mint.