GIRL TALK
by perletwo
"Wow," Buffy said, climbing the bright green hill. "I don't often get up here in the daytime." She and Tara set the cooler they were carrying between them down at the top of the hillock and spread out a stadium blanket. Each brushed the dirt off the flat stone grave markers.
"Yeah, I thought since it's such a beautiful day, it might be nice for you to get a little different perspective on someplace you spend so much of your time," Tara said as she sat down, tucking her long skirt under her legs. "And we can have Slayer shoptalk here without having to worry about being overheard, like we would at the park."
They began unpacking the cooler and set to serving lunch. "I'm really glad you called me, Tara. This is nice."
"Yeah, well, when I found I was lonely, at first I thought I was just missing Willow. But then I realized, all my friends were really Willow's friends and I was just along for the ride, and I didn't see why it had to be that way, y'know?" She popped the lids on a couple of sodas for them. "And you, well, even when you're with your friends you kinda seem lonely to me sometimes."
Buffy nodded, eyes down. "It's been, ah, really confusing, this whole coming back to life stuff. And it seems like lately it's not just me, it's like all of our lives've just gone kablooey. And we're all too busy trying to put things together for ourselves to help each other. Did you really fry chicken from scratch? Isn't that messy in a little apartment kitchen like that?"
"Yes, and yes. But my mother taught me her recipe, and trust me, it's worth it. Even cold."
"I wish my mom'd taught me to cook. We always thought there'd be time later. She wasn't a great cook, but hey, she did better than Dawn and her weird quesadilla fillings..." Buffy smiled wistfully.
"My mother taught me to cook 'cause she expected my life to be all about keeping house. Possibly for my father, who's, ah, particular about some things. Like chicken," Tara said, gesturing with a chicken leg. "Not that there's anything wrong with staying home - I know lots of people who wish they had the money to stay home - but Joyce saw more potential in you and Dawn."
"You've been really great for Dawn, y'know. I don't think I've told you that nearly enough. She had so many killer shocks last year, one right after another, Glory, Mom, me..."
Buffy looked away, brushing her hair back against a sudden gust of wind. "I know she's young and resilient, but any one of those kind of losses could put a lotta people out of commission for a long time...You've been one of the few people she's really felt like she could count on to be there for her."
"I've enjoyed being there for her. She's a great kid. And it's not like I was the only one she counted on." Tara set her drink down on the napkins to weight them down against the wind.
Buffy waved a finger, gesturing to indicate her mouth was full but she had something to say. Once she swallowed her mouthful of chicken, she said, "Why do I have the feeling you've just gotten to the real reason you asked me to picnic with you today?" Tara blushed. "Please, please tell me you're not going to tackle me about Spike."
"Tackle - oh. No. I - I'm okay with Spike most of the time. You've got enough people to tackle you about him, I just - I don't think they take time out from tackling to *listen* to you about him, y'know? And, the way you guys look from here, well - i-if it was me, I'd want somebody to talk to about a relationship that complicated..."
"Relatio- Nonono. No. No relationship, Tara. There is Spike, and there is Me, and there's no Relationship with a capital R there. At. All." Buffy's spine had straightened, and she had her best sincere, wide-eyed, dog-ate-my-homework face on.
"Okay. No Relationship. Got it." They ate in silence for a few minutes. "Buffy? I-I'm gonna go out on a limb here. Have things - changed, between you and Spike? Recently?"
Buffy looked startled, and Tara rushed on. " 'Cause the last few days now you've been acting like you're kinda, um, going through some stuff? And I know it's not anything to do with Willow or the other Scoobies 'cause I've asked, an-and the only thing you don't really like to talk to anybody about is him, so..."
"It's nothing. Nothing I can't handle." Buffy busied herself tidying up.
"Oh-oh, of course, I'm sure you can handle...Look, Buffy, I just - I thought it might help you to talk about - about whatever it is, and I wanted to let you know it's OK to talk to me," Tara said, looking down at her hands.
"It's...ummm....really complicated...." Buffy said in a tiny voice, and Tara looked up. "Do we have dessert?"
Smiling, Tara reached into the cooler and began pulling out foil-wrapped packages. "Brownies. Devil's Food Cake. Double-fudge cookies. I went heavy on the chocolate."
Buffy sighed with relief and reached for the brownies.
Tara nibbled pensively at a cookie as she listened to the story spill out of Buffy. "Okay. It seems to me there's two ways we could go about talking about this. Would you rather talk about the sex...or would you rather talk about Spike saying you came back wrong?" Buffy looked away, and she added, "I can do both, y'know. Whichever."
"I don't - I'd rather not think about what Spike said. He's wrong. That's all." Tara nodded, making a mental note to research their resurrection spell further when she got home. "Sooo...I guess that leaves the, the sex." Buffy blushed.
" 'Kay, any girlfriend-type discussion of sex has to start with one question," Tara said. "Was it good?"
Squirming, Buffy replied, "It depends on how you define good."
Tara passed the brownie packet her way again. "I guess I mean, did it feel good to you? Was he, did he walk away happy?"
"Well, he walked away bruised and bloody, actually. It - it was *not* normal sex, Tara. It was really - primal." She looked away, then met Tara's eyes. "And - yeah. It felt good to me. How sick is that?"
"Well, y'know, Slayer, Vampire - 'normal' is not something you guys generally do real well. And - when I realized I loved Willow? That I wanted her? There was a tiny part of me that kept asking, How sick is that?" Buffy looked surprised.
"It wasn't a big deal because I figured, well, love is love, it's all good. But when my family showed up on my birthday I kept thinking, how are they gonna react to this if I tell them? - and that little voice kept getting louder, and I got more ashamed of it. The voice, I mean, not Willow. So, I mean, it's not like you're the only one that ever worries about this stuff, is all I'm saying." Blushing, Tara took a sip of drink. "Was he okay with how it happened? The, the roughness? I'd think, y'know, vampire and all -"
"Loved it. He *loved* it. And the worst part is, he - he loved that I loved it even more than just that it was happening. That is *scary.* I mean, I'm Joyce Summers' daughter, I can do some mental gymnastics around some strange things -" Buffy laughed, a little wildly. "But how can I in a million years work it out to where the guy I just had sex with enjoying seeing me give in to my darkest impulses, constitutes a supportive boyfriend?"
Tara tapped her glass against her teeth, pondering. "Something Willow and I talked about between ourselves, when you first came back to life. You were - really numb. Not all there. It was like, we'd be talking along and then we'd just - lose you, you'd be off in the clouds someplace." She took a pensive sip.
"And when bad stuff started happening, you shut down even more. And Spike, he didn't say anything - catch him ever saying anything! - but I could see him watching you. I know he worried about it too. So, maybe he's just happy he got through to you on some real, deep emotional level, even if it's a dark place? Even if it was just that one night? 'Cause, at least now he knows how much you can still feel. And that he can make you feel."
"But I can't ever let him make me feel like that again. It's wrong and it's - too scary." Buffy smiled wanly. "More chocolate, please?" Tara dug in the cooler and came up with a Ziploc bag of Hershey's Kisses.
"But it also felt good." Buffy nodded. "Are you angry with him? For showing you that part of yourself?"
"No," she said softly. " 'Cause, I was the one, Tara. I started it...I, I kinda set the terms...and I really think he'd have backed off if he thought he was really hurting me, or if he thought I really couldn't handle it. He - challenged me, sort of. And I took him on. So much as I'd like to, I can't really blame him." She grinned. "Damn, I hate when that happens. He's so easy to blame, y'know?"
Tara was silent for a few minutes, trying to frame her next thought.
"I can see where it's confusing for you. But what I don't get is, why does what happened then, what might happen between you in bed later, mean you can't deal with each other or be friends when you're not in bed?"
Buffy sipped at her drink. "Because he won't make it easy for me. He's made that clear. Anytime he sees I've put those walls back up he's going to try to push them down. And I *need* those walls, Tara - I can't deal with an aggravating teenager or be supportive of Willow or get a job and not kill my eightieth annoying customer of the day without those buffers. You see why he's bad for me?"
"Do you remember what you told me about the First Slayer? That, when you dreamed about her after we Called her, I was one of your spirit guides?" Buffy nodded. "I kind of feel - responsible. Or, like I should be speaking up for her in this. Silly, I know. But, out in the desert? You said she told you you were full of love, and that was where your humanity was, if I understood it right. How did she put it?"
"Love, give, forgive. Love will lead you to your Gift." A haunted look came into Buffy's eyes.
"Exactly. We know about the Gift already, that was your life for Dawn's. But the rest, you still haven't really worked out how that fits into your life."
Tara shrugged lightly. "Love, that comes pretty easily to you, I've noticed. And, okay, right now I'm the first to admit, forgiveness is damned hard. But, where Spike is concerned? I don't see you doing a lot of giving there. Yeah, I see that it's complicated, but Buffy, when I think about what the First Slayer said, it worries me a little."
Buffy's mouth twisted up in a half-grin. "Got any ideas how I can fix that without feeling like I'm jumping off a cliff?"
Tara made the same face back at her. "Nope. Got any ideas how I can start trusting Willow again without feeling like I'm jumping off a cliff?"
"Fresh out." The girls laughed together. "It does feel a little better to get this out, Tara. Thanks."
"I know I didn't help you solve much, but - there's stuff there you could think about, maybe." Buffy nodded.
A strong wind sprang up, and the two women began packing up to head for home.
Spike barely even looked up from the television when the steel door of his crypt banged against the stone wall. " 'Allo, Slayer. Shut that, would you? You're lettin' in flies. Nasty buggers."
Buffy closed the door and stalked over to him, standing awkwardly in front of the TV. "A-hem. Could you move, please? FX is runnin' a Twin Peaks marathon. Love that li'l Laura Palmer."
"Isn't that the dead girl?" He nodded happily, and she sighed, sitting down in the armchair to watch. "The blonde. Of course." He shot her an evil grin. "Have you had dinner yet?"
One scarred eyebrow shot up. "You askin' me out, Slayer?"
"Maybe." She shrugged. "Ever had Thai?"
"Well, there was that one greengrocer in L.A. -" He put up his hands defensively when he saw her fist draw back. "Kidding! Kidding, I swear it. Never fed on anyone like that. And no, I've never had Thai cooking."
"There's a little hole-in-the-wall Asian restaurant out by the highway I like. I can't get the Scoobies to go there with me 'cause none of them go for Thai. But they've got a dish there that I'd - I'd really like to give you."
Spike stared at her as if she'd suddenly begun speaking in Thai, then snapped off the TV, rose and reached for his coat. "DeSoto's about two cemetery paths over, Ducks."
"You lookin' for a place as out-of-the-way as possible to take me, Slayer? So we don't run into anyone you know?" She gave him a hard look, but stalled answering until the hostess showed them to a booth and set menus in front of them.
"Actually, I think Xander comes in here with his construction buddies when they're working out here. But like I said, he doesn't like the menu much. None of 'em do but me, so I don't get to come out here all that often unless I want to eat alone. And like I said, I brought you here to give you some food."
The waitress came up and in clear English asked for their orders. Buffy asked Spike, "Do you trust me?" After a moment's uncertainty flashed through his eyes, he nodded, and she began ordering. "I'm sorry, I can't pronounce this, but I do know what I'm ordering. This noodle dish, I think, and the green curry with pork, you have that, right?" The waitress nodded and pointed it out on the menu. "Hot-and-sour mushroom soup to start, and beer to drink. *Lots* of beer."
"Didn't know you liked this kinda stuff, Slayer."
"Buffy. I'm off-duty tonight. And yeah. Last time I went out to visit with my dad over the summer, Thai was the big restaurant craze, and Dad loved it, so I ate it a lot. He knew how to order the mild stuff for me - look for lots of coconut milk and lime in the description is the rule of thumb he told me - and he'd give me bites of his, which I hated then. But I've noticed my tolerance for spices has gone way up since I was Called, something to do with that instant-healing I guess." Their beers and soup arrived, and they tucked in.
"I don't keep up with these things, but wasn't it a long time ago that Thai was the big thing in L.A.?" She shrugged, and he let it drop.
"Aha. Here we go." The noodles and curry arrived. "Try this first."
Spike took a cautious bite of the curry from the fork she offered, and his physical reaction was instantaneous. A look of mingled pain/pleasure crossed his face, tears welled in the corners of his eyes and he began to breathe. Normal breathing, but given what he'd been doing before, the change was dramatic.
"Good? Bad?"
"My God!" He tried another bite, followed quickly by another and another, and she beamed.
"Okay, try dipping it in this -" she poured a few drops of sauce from one of the bottles on the edge of the table onto the rim of his plate. The bite with the sauce made him suck in a deep, deep breath, and she giggled, eating some of her own.
"Now the noodles? A little at a time. And you might want a swallow of beer first, to get the curry out of your mouth." He did so.
"This is really good. It's hot too, but - subtler? There's other stuff in the sauce besides chilies, right? Soy, an' - something like oyster broth, maybe?"
"Right!" Buffy giggled, and for an instant pure happiness beamed out from his face. Then his sardonic mask slipped back over his features, and he set to work seriously on the food, stopping to talk only seldom. Buffy joined him, and for awhile only little groans of pleasure could be heard from their booth.
When the plates were finally clean, Spike sipped at his beer and considered her. "What's all this in aid of, Slayer?"
She contemplated the bottom of her beer mug. "I had a long talk with Tara yesterday. About - us. The other night. You know."
"The night we made love," he prodded.
"The night we - had sex," she corrected. "Tara - she's kinda distanced herself from the Scooby Gang since she and Willow split, so I think she'll keep my confidences. And it did kinda clear my head to talk it through with her."
He shrugged. "I got no problem with the little witch knowin'. 'Course, I'd shout it from the rooftops if you'd let me, but Tara's a start." She nodded. "So what did she have to say?"
"Lots of things, mostly really understanding things. She didn't look at me like I'm some kind of freak, which helped a lot."
"You're not. Nothing we did that night was wrong, Buffy. Not by any standard." His eyes narrowed, a note of challenge in his voice. Buffy gave him a long look, but chose to ignore it.
"One of the things she said was, basically, that she saw me doing all the taking with you and none of the giving. I've been thinking a lot about that ever since." She looked down into her beer again, and he let the silence stretch out, unsure how to answer.
"I can't - give you what you want - very easily, Spike." She stumbled over the words. "I'm afraid if I let you in and let you smash down all the walls I've built, I - won't be able to make it through the everyday stuff without them, y'know?" She stopped for a breath, and he nodded.
"But I can give you - this," she gestured at the restaurant around them. "I can give you things that make your life a little better, when I find them. I can even share them with you, like this, some of the time. And - maybe - I can get to where giving to you is easier. Like a habit, instead of some big overwhelming scary thing. Can you live with that?"
His face was completely neutral. "A year ago, maybe less, you'd've said that was more than I deserve. If after everything that's happened since you still believe that, then maybe I can't live with that."
"A year ago, everything was very simple. Vampires were evil and I staked them, except Angel who doesn't count. I couldn't've even imagined a vampire doing some of the things you've done for me and Dawn since then. I don't know, now, what I think you deserve. Is that progress? Maybe?" He broke his hard stare off and gave her a single nod.
"You said once that you could be patient, that all you needed was a crumb. Is that still true? If I'm willing to give you - a little along - as best I can, given my, my circumstances with the spell and all - can you let me open up to you in my own time?"
He considered, turning his beer mug around in his hands. "Me, I think I deserve better. An' I think you deserve the bloody sun, moon an' stars if you'd only take 'em from me. But - I can work with this, Buffy." The check arrived, and he reached for it, only to have his hand batted away.
"I invited, I'll pay." When he started to object, she said sweetly, "You can get it next time, okay?" He relaxed, and made a mental note to order Tara some flowers.