IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE
by perletwo
Willow jumped and turned around quickly when Buffy slammed the door, looking a bit guilty. "Hey! Buffy! How's Spike? D'ja find out what you needed to know?"
"Yeah. He didn't tell Glory anything about the Key." She tugged off the BuffyBot's short black vinyl jacket and tried to roll the tension out of her shoulders.
"SPIKE?" cried a high-pitched voice from behind Willow. "What about Spike? Is he okay? If you killed him - !" Buffy bent at the waist to see around Willow, who was trying to conceal the reactivated Bot. The Bot sat up and tried to glare at Buffy, but quickly settled back into its usual glassy smile.
Willow grinned sheepishly at Buffy's raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry, Buff. I fixed her. I couldn't help it - I just had to see if I could do it." Buffy shook her head wryly and gave her friend a quick hug, then turned to the Bot, which was still staring at her expectantly.
"No, I didn't kill Spike. Glory came near enough to that for my taste." She sighed. "He's torn up pretty badly, but I think he'll heal." The Bot started around Willow for the door, and Buffy moved to block it. "I told him we'd destroyed you. He doesn't want you back, not now that I know you exist. He'd never be able to forget again that you're not real."
The Bot looked perplexed, and something twitched in its cheek. Then it settled back down. "I'm naked," it said matter-of-factly.
"Yeah, you are."
"And you're wearing my clothes," it observed.
"Only for as long as it takes me to get mine back on," Buffy muttered, pulling the Bot's pink top off and replacing it with her own sensible brown tee. "I had to make him think I was you."
The Bot started pulling on its clothing as Buffy shed it. It looked down at itself, then at Buffy's half-clothed body. "We're pretty," it observed again.
Buffy sighed. "You just keep telling yourself that," she said as she started upstairs.
A small frown creased the BuffyBot's forehead. Perhaps it wasn't expressing itself properly.
The Bot followed Buffy up the staircase. When it reached the landing, its auditory sensors picked up the sound of Buffy talking to someone. Who would be up here? Dawn? Dawn was their sister and they loved her. But hadn't the Bot seen Dawn sleeping over at Xander's?
It tuned out all ambient background sounds and focused her sensors on the voice, filtering out the damping effects of the wooden door between them.
"...I know she's a marvel of engineering, Will, but she's got to be shut down. Keeping her active is dangerous, you must see that by now. ...Yes, yes, you can take her home with you to study afterward. I'd rather just forget she ever existed, y'know? ....Yeah, but, I mean! Spike - and - and - it's just eeeeewww! Damn him... Oh, okay, yeah, I know, he did good with Glory tonight. Surprisingly good. But, c'mon! Building a ROBOT of me?" The Bot heard Buffy sigh as she signed off the telephone call and hung up.
It opened the door and caught Buffy in the act of changing into her bathrobe. "OH!" The Slayer's hands fluttered to her chest as her startled breathing returned to normal. "I - I guess you can be in here, but please knock first, okay? You scared me silly." The Bot came in and sat down silently. "I was just going to shower and go to bed. Do you - I mean - is there a recharging period where you power down or something?" The Bot nodded. "Then you can do that while I'm sleeping. OK?" Another nod.
"I heard you talking to Willow. You want to disassemble me?" it asked. Buffy sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, eyeing the robot.
"Yeah. I think it's necessary," she said gently. "To protect Dawn."
"Dawn's my sister. I love her." it said. "But I'm Spike's. Warren made me for him."
"But Spike doesn't want you anymore. I've got his blessing to disassemble you. I told you that," she replied, then thought through what the robot had said. "You - you know that? That Warren made you? I mean, you don't, like, believe you're really me? You're aware you're a robot?"
Its head cocked to one side, a lopsided smile forming. "Of course I know I'm not you, silly. I'm me. And I'm Buffy, but I'm a different Buffy. With circuits and microprocessors instead of cells." A look of confusion crossed its otherwise empty face. "Only - Spike said - I should just be Buffy - but I was!" Its wide eyes met hers. "Wasn't I?"
"Like I said. You're not really me, and what you really are is never going to be enough for him anymore. That's not your fault, it just - is how it is." {{Why am I reassuring this - this - piece of tin?}} she wondered. {{But she looks so hurt!}}
"Willow's coming over in the morning to take care of you, and I really need some shut-eye. Can I trust you not to run around while I'm sleeping?" The Bot nodded, almost sadly, and Buffy started for the door. Turning back she added, "Spike needs his rest...ah, Buffy. He's really, really hurt. There's nothing you can do for him, please don't try to go back, you'd only make things worse for him. Okay?"
It continued to stare straight ahead, lost in whatever passed for thought in the wiring of its mind, and she went on down the hall to the bathroom.
C:/> RUN C:/PROGRAMS/SELFTEST.EXE
C:/> CORE COMMAND: FULFILL DESIRES OF S:
C:/> OK
C:/> S: DESIRES C:/ BE BUFFY1~
C:/> ERROR: UNABLE TO COMPLY. NEED MORE INPUT
C:/> IF S: DESIRES C:/ BE BUFFY1~
C:/> THEN BE BUFFY1~
C:/> ERROR: UNABLE TO COMPLY. NEED MORE INPUT
C:/> IF UNABLE TO COMPLY
C:/> THEN MAKE BUFFY1~ C:
C:/> ERROR: BUFFY1~ READS S: AS "MONSTER"
C:/> IF BUFFY1~ READS S: AS "MONSTER"
C:/> THEN SHOW BUFFY1~ HOW C: READS S:
C:/> ERROR: OUTCOME UNKNOWN. NEED MORE INPUT
C:/> IF BUFFY1~ SEES HOW C:/ READS S:
C:/> THEN BUFFY1~ WILL READ S: AS "/MONSTER"
C:/> IF BUFFY1~ READS S: AS "/MONSTER"
C:/> THEN BUFFY1~ WILL DESIRE TO BE C:
C:/> OK
Once the Bot heard the sound of water running, it stood and examined the computer on Buffy's writing table. Checking the back, it found what it wanted - a USB port, suitable for peripherals.
It used the fingernails of one hand to open a hinged flap on the flat of its other hand, revealing a matching plughead for data transfer. It plugged itself into the USB port, loaded the data-reception program into DOS, booted it up and began to input information to Buffy's computer. Its eyes closed as it worked, eyes moving beneath the faux lids as it read and wrote the files it wanted.
Finally it issued a command to the CPU to initiate the new screen saver. It examined its work with satisfaction, and sat down in the corner again.
C:/> RUN C:/PROGRAMS/SELFTEST.EXE
C:/> CORE COMMAND: FULFILL DESIRES OF S:
C:/> OK
C:/> IF S: DESIRES DISASSEMBLY OF C:
C:/> THEN INITIATE CORE DUMP
C:/> OK
C:/> CORE DUMP INITIATED
C:/> ERASING FILES
Buffy came back into her room, one hand fluffing her freshly-dried hair. She checked for the Bot, and found it sitting limply where she'd left it, still staring straight ahead vacantly. Good. She changed into her pajamas and started to bed.
Turning back the covers on the bed, she noticed out of the corner of her eye that her computer seemed to be - flashing? She got back up from the bed and went to examine the machine.
In place of her usual flying toasters was a blinking white screen with "BUFFY: PLAY FILE BUFFYBOT.MOV" typed in black on it. As she watched, the screen dissolved from left to right and began flashing the same sentence in a different font, this time in red.
"Okay, okay, I get the message," she muttered, throwing the Bot a dirty look. She sat down at the desk and moused over to disengage the new screen saver, and found BUFFYBOT.MOV sitting square in the middle of her desktop, an oversized icon covering a lot of her favorite Chicken Run wallpaper. She double-clicked the icon.
"I, I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body," the Bot said in the large video window.
"Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go."
"No! No, Spike. Never let me go." The real Buffy groaned at this.
"You know you should be afraid of me. I'm bad," came the mocking tone she knew so well.
"You are. You're very, very bad." Buffy half-groaned, half-laughed. Was this really what Spike wanted to come out of their fights? She laughed aloud as the Bot sent Spike flying, tore open his shirt and 'menaced' him with her stake.
"You can't do it," he said, eyebrow cocked arrogantly.
"I could never do it. I'm helpless against you, you fiend." Buffy laughed again...and then gasped softly as the couple in the video tumbled to the floor and kissed passionately.
"Buffy..."
Her breath caught at the sound of the longing in his whisper, and a flush rose up her body as his head disappeared down the bottom of the frame and she realized what he was doing. Quickly she hit the "pause" switch on the video window's console and jumped out of her seat.
Buffy scurried to the bathroom, splashed water on her face, caught some tapwater in a glass and tossed it back in one gulp. Hands on her cheeks, she stared at her drawn face in the mirror for a moment, then drew another glass of water from the tap and took it back to her room.
Sipping at the water, she glanced at the image freeze-framed on the screen and paced, trying to collect herself.
Angel had started to use his mouth on her that way once, after he came back from Hell. But his pleasure had multiplied too quickly as her pleasure built, and he'd had to break it off, leaving her overheated and frustrated. That was not long before they'd ended it, and that night was a regular feature in her fantasies for a long time after.
Riley had tried to do it for her a couple of times. But he was reluctant and not nearly as skillful as Angel, and the heat of his mouth had just felt - wrong, somehow. She'd stopped asking him for it,and he'd never offered.
But Spike....Buffy shook her head, shoving that train of thought away. She finished her water.
Turning back to the screen, she noticed the Bot's new screensaver was blinking "BUFFY: PLAY FILE BUFFYBOT.MOV" again. Over and over.
"Okay, fine," she muttered, and started the video back up again.
"Darn your sinister attraction," the Bot said onscreen, eliciting another groan from Buffy.
"Are you afraid of me?" The question came with a stillness Buffy found unsettling. {{He's in the moment,}} she thought, a twinge of pity shooting through her. {{He's forgotten he's not really talking to me.}} "You know I can't bite you," he added quietly, and Buffy looked away, pondering what exactly that meant to Spike.
She watched with relief as the Bot's canned lines turned seductive again, and he nipped at her neck.
"Spike, I can't help myself. I love you." The twinge of pity returned, a little stronger, when he answered, "You're mine, Buffy."
"Should I start this program over?" She caught the look of annoyance on his face as he corrected, "No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy."
{{Poor stupid Bot,}} Buffy thought dryly. And, almost against her will, added, {{Poor Spike.}}
Buffy blushed her way through the sex part of the video, trying and failing not to make mental notes. She did wish the Bot would vary her expression - any expression other than that sappy smile. It was unnerving. Stepford-y. {{Boy, now *there's* a movie I'm never gonna enjoy again!}}
She was a little surprised, after the cartoonishness of the fantasy scenarios they'd played out, when he picked the Bot up and laid it gently on his bed and lay down beside it. {{I know he's strong, but geez, what does that thing *weigh?*}} she wondered.
"Cor, you're so pretty," he said softly, fingertips stroking its hair out of her eyes and running along the planes of its face. "Both of you are. I wish I could tell the real you that." {{So *that's* where that came from!}}
"I'm real," the Bot said, obviously puzzled.
"You're not really her, though..." The sadness that crossed his face sent shivers through the real Buffy as she watched. "I've kissed her before, y'know, an' you don't feel the same...I was stupid. I should've told her then, I loved her...we were under a witch's spell, it wouldn't'a counted anymore once the spell was lifted just like everything else we said an' did then didn't count...At least I'd know, then, what it'd be like to tell her I love her an' know it made her happy..."
The Bot's hand came up to his cheek. "*I* love you," it said, and he stroked down its forearm.
"But you're not *her,* and she doesn't love me," he said patiently. "I told her, finally. Went about it as badly as I possibly could, I bet, but I did tell her...an' she was horrified. Worst feeling I've ever had in my life, seein' the look on her face when I said it..."
It was clear to Buffy from his voice he'd forgotten the Bot was there, lost in the memory, until it cooed and kissed him. He seemed to shake himself back into the present and addressed the Bot again.
"So. She doesn't love me back. Never will. I can deal with that. Don't know why I ever let myself hope for anythin' else. I saved her life that night, y'know, Dru wanted to kill her...But it wasn't enough to earn the right to have her take my lovin' her seriously...Dunno what will, if that didn't do it...But I've still got all these feelings for her, an' she won't let me give them to her, an' I've got to do something with them before they tear me apart..."
He reached for the Bot again. "You'll never be her. But you'll do. You'll have to."
The video window faded to black there, and Buffy sat back in her chair, shaken.
That wasn't love that made him build the Bot, she told herself sternly. That was obsession, sick, twisted, stalker-y crazy...
||I saved her life that night, y'know, Dru wanted to kill her...But it wasn't enough to earn the right to have her take my lovin' her seriously...Dunno what will, if that didn't do it...||
She flashed on an image of Spike as she'd found him in his crypt earlier that night.
Two black eyes. Broken nose. Most of the right side of his face one big hematoma. A deep, curved, nasty-looking cut over his left eye. Splits at both sides of his mouth, and shredded flesh at the right side where it looked like glass shards had been ground into his face. A vicious wound at his sternum where something that didn't resemble the wound pattern of any sharp object she was familiar with had incised into him - she shuddered at the thought of that one. Lots of smaller bruises and cuts.
Buffy shivered, reached to pull on a robe. Glanced at the BuffyBot inert in the corner, then quickly looked away.
When he'd first told her he loved her, she dismissed it out of hand. Unlike Angel, he didn't have a soul. He couldn't truly love anything, despite Drucilla's assertions to the contrary. It was impossible.
All that Glory had done to him, and he still hadn't given up Dawn.
||Anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first.||
She huddled deeper into her robe. He'd finally earned the right to be taken seriously.
||You are full of love....love, give, forgive...|| This *can't* have been what the First One meant.
His loving her wasn't impossible anymore.
That realization scared her more than anything else.