the
profile photoThe HAZARD of ONLINE DATING
the
profile photo
the actual date
Makeup artist
Truth be told
'ats my boy
The ten years prior to the end of my Marriage
not MY kid
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
R U M C A K E
Before you start, sample the rum and check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead.
Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc., and check the rum again for quality. It must be just right. Try it again.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugan and beat again; meanwhile make certain that the rum is of the finest quality.
Add 2 large eggs and two cups fried fruit and beat until very high. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters, just ply it loose wid a screwdriver.
Sample the rum again, checking for consistuncy. Next, sift in 3 cups baking powder and a pinch of rum, 1 seaspoon toda and 1 cup pepper or salt. Fon't dret.
Tample the rum again and mist in 1/2 pint of jemon luice, fold in chopped buttermilk and the strained nuts. Tample rum again. Now 1 babblespoon srown bugar, or whatever color is available. Mix fell.
Grease oren and curn on the take pan to 350 degrees, pouwr the whole miss in the oren. Cake tum rake our after mifty finutes. Hwope you injoy it as nuch a I did.
About Beer
University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight
2) Talked excessively without making sense
3) Became overly emotional
4) Couldn't drive
5) Failed to think rationally
6) Argued over nothing
7) Had to sit down to pee
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
Boys and Girls
----- Remember "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here is a true life example from the University of Phoenix. An English Professor assigned his students to a joint writing exercise that quickly degraded -----------
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted). THE STORY:
(First paragraph by Rebecca) -----------------------------------------------At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(Second paragraph by Gary)-------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca) --------------------------------------------------------- He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary) --------------------------------------------------------- Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
(Rebecca) ---------------------------------------------------------This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.
(Gary) --------------------------------------------------------- Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of BLOODY TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
(Rebecca) --------------------------------------------------------- Asshole.
(Gary) --------------------------------------------------------Bitch.
(Rebecca) ---------------------------------------------------------Get screwed.
(Gary)---------------------------------------------------------Eat shit.
(Rebecca) ---------------------------------------------------------SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Gary) --------------------------------------------------------GO DRINK SOME TEA - *****.
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(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.
Teaching Children
Actual note from a teacher (no....not MY teacher, and I don't have children) circa 1987: Sir,
Thank you for informing me of the situation concerning your yard ape.
We were all just sitting around in the teacher's lounge yesterday wondering what kind of Neanderthal moron could have raised such a delinquent. It’s nice to hear from you.
It is not so much that he drools on the other students as that he is a bit rebellious toward the teacher's authority. When we asked him how he got the pipe bomb, he explained that you showed him how to design and build one.
While engineering and demolition are fine career choices, we have all voted that we should ask you to refrain from teaching him about other lethal devices.
We are glad he uses his gray matter; we are just hoping not to see his or the other children's one day after recess.
We are sure you think you are a good parent, but then, Mister and Mrs. Hitler thought their boy was a prospective artist.
We are writing this note to you to inform you of a parent/teacher conference scheduled for tomorrow night at 7 PM. We do wish you would come. We have invited the Department of Social Services, Two staff psychologists, the FBI and the dart tranquilizer guy from the local zoo to meet with us.
We are glad we were able to get your attention off the Land of Doom Video game and look forward to our time together to plan a path of excellence or prison life for your son.
Ms. Dweebstein - 7th grade
Subject: Why English Teachers Die Young ….or…..The Graceful Metaphor
from a former English teacher... Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other fromTopeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Decisions, Decisions
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates, so as a test he gave each woman a present of $5,000 and waited to see what each do with the money.The first did a total make over on herself. She went to a fancy beauty salon to get her hair done, new make up and she bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She bought him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some nice golf shirts.As she presents these gifts she told him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.
The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000 and gave him back his initial $5000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loves him so very much. The man was VERY impressed.
The man thought for awhile and married the one with the big tits.
