JEFF WISNIA'S Favorite Limericks...Collected from various books and Internet Sites

(And a few I wrote too.)

Spellling


What is a Limerick?

To be a Limerick, a verse MUST have:
Five lines
Lines one, two, and five MUST each have exactly three metric feet
Lines three and four MUST each have exactly two metric feet

The metric feet MUST be anapests ( da da DUM ) although the leading foot of each line may be an iamb ( da DUM) and the last foot of each line may have a trailing unaccented syllable ( da da DUM da).  The classic Limerick is consistent in the use of iambs and trailing unaccented syllables, but this is not manditory in recreational Limericks.

One dubious tip is to see if you can fit the limerick  to the tune of "Popeye the sailor man".

Lines one, two, and five MUST rhyme.
Lines three and four MUST rhyme.
A good Limerick will have a clever, unanticipated punch line as line five.
A good Limerick will not be insipid or pointless.
A good Limerick often has puns, word play, eccentric spelling, or some other witty feature.
Any nonsense poem that lacks five lines, thirteen metric feet, or the aabba rhyme pattern is simply not a Limerick.  It might be a sing-song or a la-de-da, but it's not a Limerick.

This is a Limerick, sound it out:

There ONCE was an OLD man from WHEEL-ing
Who HAD a pe-CUL-i-ar FEEL-ing
Said the SIGN on the DOOR
Please don't PISS on the FLOOR
So he JUMPED up and PISSED on the CEIL-ing.
(If you can't sound out the da-da-DUMs, trash it.)                    Notepad

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A limerick packs anatomical,
Laughs in a space economical.
        But the good ones I've seen,
        So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd.
        It's not worth the reading,
        By persons of breeding,
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.

The limerick form is complex.
It's contents run chiefly to sex.
        It burgeons with virgeons,
        And masculine urgeions,
And swarms with erotic effex

The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
        Or she sneaks to the slums,
        And promptly becomes,
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

My compulsions are running amuck.
I'm a picky, fastidious schmuck,
        It's easy to gauge,
        My development stage,
It's the anal at which I am stuck.

There once was a man from Japan
Who limericks never would scan,
        But try though he might,
        It was always a fright,
Because he always tried to fit as many syllables into the last line that a person possibly can.

When atoms meet atoms and fuse,
There's part of their mass that they lose.
       The emitted article,
        Is not only a particle,
But a wave - and you don't get to choose.

A flea and a fly in a flu,
Were imprisoned so what could they do?
        Said the flea let us fly,
        Said the fly let us flee.
So they flew through a flaw in the flu.

There once was a young man from Perth,
Who was born on the day of his birth.
        He was married they say,
        On his wife's wedding day,
And he died when he quitted the earth!

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By breezes that left her quite nude.
        Saw a man come along,
        And, unless I am quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
        "Your mother's behavior,
        Gave pain to Our Savior,
And that's why He made you a cripple."

He thought that his bike had expired.
When it fell down again he inquired,
         "Why won't it stay standing?
         Oh why? I'm demanding!"
I answered, "Because it's two-tired."

There was a young fellow named Bliss,
 Whose sex life was strangely amiss.
         For even with Venus,
         His recalcitrant penis,
 Would never do better than t
                                                       h
                                                         i
                                                          s
                                                            . "

There once was an freshman from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
        It at last grew so small,
        He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

A wanton young lady from Wimley,
When reproached for not acting quite primly,
        Said, "Heavens above!
        I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

We've been told to "forgive and forget,"
But I think that advice is all wet.
       'Cause he did unto me,
        Like a dog to a tree.
And I'm going to get back at him yet!

Said Charlotte, "It's easy to please,
The English, the French and Chinese.
        But doin' it Greek,
        Makes my poor sphincter weak,
And Texans?  Well look at my knees."

The in thing today is diversity,
So women are mostly now very free,
        To rape churlish men,
        As they once did rape them --
(And I wish it would happen to me...)

Lewinski and Clinton have shown,                 (Kacysinski = The Unibomber)
What Kacysinski must surely have known.
        That an intern is better,
        Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"Don't leave lots of clues like Kaczynski.
       Since you made such a mess,
       Use the hem of your dress,
To wipe all that stuff off your chinsky."

There once was a gal named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.
        'Twas "Hail to the Chief,"
        On this flute made of beef,
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Let's hear it for President Gerry,
Whose nose was as red as a berry.
         He made everyone sick,
         When he pardoned Prez Dick,
They thought even Carter less scary.

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
        Divided by seven,
        Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.

In April my hormones start stirring,
By May, can't control its occurring,
        It happens each Spring,
        I lust for a fling,
And a new beau each year keeps me purring.

There was a young lady from Kew,
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
       "Oh, the Vicar is quicker,
         And thicker and slicker,
And four inches longer than you."
 
A pretty young virgin from Aberystwyth,
Took some corn to the mill to make grist with.
        The miller's son, Jack,
        Laid her flat on her back,
And joined up the parts that they pissed with.

As lubricant, for my last screw,
In error I used instant glue,
        I told her, quite rueful,
        But thoroughly truthful,
I'm stuck in the middle of you.

I wonder if it could be true,
But known by not more that a few,
      That pigs leave their sty,
      On the day they can fly,
And that's why they call it swine flew.

There once was a lady from Maine,
Who endeavored to build her own plane.
        It had no way to steer,
        And no landing gear,
And that's why she's living in Spain

At a circus I witnessed just once,
A cunning display of nice stunts.
        What I liked even more,
        Was a strip club next door,
With a stunning display of nice cunts.

While sipping a beer at the Old Inn,
A lassy quite near me did chime in,
       "My virginity was lost dear,
        Last time I got sauced here,
But I've still got the box that it came in."

This sweet little babe's in the queue
That's lined up to satisfy you.
        She's sure to be mad,
        'Cause she's really been had,
She thinks it's the line for the loo.

Distraught that he couldn't rhyme "orange",
The poet went out on one more binge.
        Then abandoning hope,
        He took to the rope,
Where he swung to and fro like a door hinge.

The yoga instructor, Joan Hend,
Taught students to earn a stipend,
        She trained a flamboyant,
        Professional clairvoyant,
And now she can see her own end.

There once was a woman from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died.
        While her lover lamented,
        The apple fermented,
And made cider inside her inside.

A noted tree surgeon named Fogg,
Developed a tree that could jog.
        But the tree, fully grown,
        Had a mind of its own,
So it ran out and pissed on a dog.

"Oh god, I want babies, dear Hugh,"
Said Joan as they started to screw.
        "Oh fuck your fixation,
         for fertilization!"
Said Hugh as he quickly withdrew.

An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
        He remarked, with a smile,
        "Hoorah! A sundial!
And now it's a quarter past one."

She demanded I gave her affection,
Then opened her thighs for inspection.
        Her quim looked quite nice,
        'Til I noticed the lice,
And immediately lost my erection.

On hearing, "Your group's reassigned",
The Greek squadron leader resigned.
        His gal was a lass,
        Who liked sex up the ass,
And damned if he'd leave her behind.

Said Joan on the pyre, "I confess,
To be burned at the stake is a mess.
        Though I frankly avow,
         I'm smoking more now,
But clearly enjoying it less."

There was a young lady named Grace,
Who would not take a cock in her "place".
        But though she'd not fuck it,
        She'd stroke it and suck it,
And let it come off in her face.

An Italian whose name was Rossini,
Spilled Beefeater gin on his weenie.
        He thought this uncouth,
        So he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl friend a martini.

Said Seigfreid to Roy at the zoo,
Be careful in all that you do.
       Keep those tigers at bay,
       Or it will, I must say,
Be the first time a pussy eats you!

A woman who once lived in Nizes,
Had tits that were two different sizes.
        One was so small,
        It was nothing at all,
But the other was huge, and won prizes.

A gentleman dining in Crewe,
Found a very dead mouse in his stew.
        Said the waiter: "Don't shout,
        And wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!"

There was a young girl from Samoa,
Who pledged that no young man would know her.
        One bold fellow tried,
        But she wriggled aside,
So he spilled all his spermatozoa.

A buxom young farm girl named Claire,
At eighteen has golden blond hair.
        She grows apples and peaches,
        And you'll see when she reaches,
That she's also has grown a nice pear!

"Electrons all jumbled like rice?"
Quoth Einstein, "That's too high a price."
        In reply answered God,
        "Well I don't find it odd,
So shut up and let me play dice."

There was a young woman named Dee,
Who bee jayed each man she did see.
        When it came to the test,
        She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.

There was a young lad from Bahrain,
Who prayed to the heavens for rain.
        For he'd squirted his goo,
        All over his shoe,
And wished to get rid of the stain.

There once was a physicist, Howard,
Whose penis was nuclear powered.
        When getting some ass,
        He'd reach critical mass,
Let's pray for the girls he deflowered!

Mary Anne taught her dog a new trick,
He could do, 'stead of licking his prick,
        But after its knot,
        Got locked in her twat,
She went back to his fetching a stick.

The binary system is fun,
And with it odd things can be done.
        For two as you know,
        Is a one and an oh,
And five is a hundred and one.

A husband who lived in Iraq,
Had holes all the way down his cock.
        When he got an erection,
        Wifey played a selection,
 From Johann Sebastian Bach.

An old maid whose surname was Grissing,
Discovered all that she'd been missing.
        When deflowered by Sam's rod,
        She cried out, "Oh my God!
All these years I've just used it for pissing."

A mathematician confided,
That a Möbius strip is one-sided.
        You'll get quite a laugh,
        If you cut it in half,
For it stays in one piece when divided.

There was a young girl from Hong Kong,
Who snarled, "You are utterly wrong,
        To say my vagina,
        Is the largest in China,
Just because of your undersized dong."

There once was a cube which was found,
Whose two digits when switched right around,
        Was the product (quite fair),
        Of a cube and a square,
And its name is your job now to sound.

There was a young woman from Croft,
Who played with herself in a loft.
        Having reasoned that candles,
        Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they never go soft.

A mathematician named Klein,
Thought the Möbius strip was divine.
        Said he, "If you glue,
        The edges of two,
You get a weird bottle like mine."

There was a young lady named Alice
Who purchased a hard-rubber phallis,
        Since she learned its perfections
        She shuns docs' inspections
Cause it's such an odd place for a callus.

The nipples of Sarah Sarong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
        This embarrassed her lover,
        Who was pained to discover,
She expected no less of his dong.

A binary mathematician,
Had a curious sordid ambition.
        To learn what to do,
        With the powers of two,
Once the two get in proper position.

A traveling girl named Lorraine,
Liked doing it best on the train.
        The track joints they pass,
        Would jiggle her ass.
From Manassas way up into Maine.

There was an old dear from Mullany,
Who did something rather uncanny.
        She sat in the chair,
        When her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right on the fanny.

A clumsy young Jew from Peru,
With his wife was attempting to screw.
        When she grumbled, "Oi vai!                                 (Oi vai! = Dear me!)
        If you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"

An eight day old Jew from Far Rockaway,
shrieked cries that were heard for a block away.
       Said the mohyle in terror,                                    (Mohyle = ritual circumsizer)
       On perceiving his error,
"Oi vai iz mir! I've cut his whole cock away"            (Oy VASEmir! = Woe is me!)

She said, "It's been many a day,
Since we've had a good roll in the hay;
        What I now want from you,
        Is one more great screw.
But this time, please add in some foreplay."

Of math tests I've always been scared.
Most answers I guessed if I dared.
        I did pretty fine,
        Right up to the time,
I couldn't see how pie are squared?

There once was a lady from Ealing,
Who pissed in a pot of darjeeling,
       Said the vicar, "I say,
       A cup of Earl Grey,
Would certainly be more appealing."

A young lighthouse keeper named Dighton,
Got hitched to a sweet girl from Brighton.
        But ships ran aground,
        And sailors got drowned,
'Cause she wouldn't have sex with the light on.

There was a young lady named Riddle,
Who had an untouchable middle
        She had many friends
        Because of her ends,
Since it isn't the middle you diddle.

There once was a racer named Fisk,
Who took a considerable risk.
        When his dragster got traction,
        The Fitzgerald contraction,
Reduced his wazoo to a disc.

To moralists, sex is a sin,
Yet Nature suggests we begin.
         She arranged it, no doubt,
         That a fellow juts out,
In the place where a damsel juts in.

A dentist named Dr Malone,
Got a pretty girl patient alone,
        And in his depravity.
        He filled the wrong cavity,
But my how his practice has grown!

A young man who once lived in Spain,
Was screwing his girl in the rain.
        They did it again,
        And again and again,
And again and again and again.

A gentle old lady I knew.
Was dozing one day in her pew.
        When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
        She said, "Count me in!
Just as soon as the service is through!"

There once was a husband named Walter,
Who found his wife's virtue did falter.
        So, her lover he shot,
        In a most vital spot,
With intent, not to kill, but to alter.

There once was a man named McBride,
Who fell down the outhouse and died.
        His next elder brother,
        Fell into another,
So now they're in turd side-by-side.

A passionate priest in Peru,
Tried to screw a young nun in a pew.
         But the virginal lass,
         Passed such ungodly gas,
That the priest he passed out with a "phew."

"My dear", said the Duchess of Chichester,
To the blushing young bride as she kissed her.
        "You've got marvellous luck
        He's a wonderful fuck!
You can take it from me and my sister."

Two dykes from the far Adriatic,
Decided to be more pragmatic.
        Having switched from mere handling
        To mutual candling,
The result is they're waxing ecstatic.

There was a young monk from La Trappe
Who found something wrong with his tap.
        "Oh PAX! Oh vobiscum!
        Oh why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid that I've gotten the clap."

A newlywed couple from Goshen,
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
        In twenty-eight days.
        They screwed eighty-one ways,
Imagine such fucking devotion!

There once was a girl named McGoffin,
Who was diddled amazingly often.
        At sex, never bested,
        She never was rested,
Until she was screwed in her coffin.

Said the horny but lazy chief abbot,
"When I see a monk's ass, I just grab it.
        Though it's vastly more fun,
        To ravish a nun,
It takes days to get into the habit."

There once was a young man named Fred,
Whose balls were both heavy as lead.
        His girlfriend complained,
        That she nearly got brained,
Each time she tried giving him head.

In London and Paris, so pretty,
'Twas the best of all times, in each city.
        Every girl he did boff,
       'Til his penis fell off,
Overwhelmed by the tail of two cities.

"Just what in the world could be grander
Than screwing the lovely Amanda?"
       "But jeezus; she's dead!",
       "Yes I know." panted Ted,
As he humped her beneath the veranda.

A girl named Alice in Dallas,
Had never felt of a phallas.
        She remained virgo intacto,
        Because, ipso facto,
No phallas in Dallas fit Alice.

There was a young lady from Natchez,  
Who chanced to be born with two snatches.
       She often said, "Shit!
       Why, I'd give my left tit,
For a man with equipment that matches."

There was a young girl from Sofia,           (So-FY-ah)
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
        She said, "It's a sin,
        But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

A skinny old maid from Verdun,
Wed a short-peckered son-of-a-gun.
        She said, "I don't care,
        If there isn't much there,.
God knows that its better than none."

There once was a girl from Madras,
With a really magnificient ass!
        Not rounded and pink,
        As all you might think...
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

Said the Lord, "Why I don't often get,
Down to Earth, 'cause once on a bet,
        I had an affair,
        With a Jewish girl there,
And they're talking about it still yet."

Prince Albert and Queen You-know-who,
Were doing what married folk do.
        Cried the Queen, her heart drumming,
        "We're coming! We're coming!"
"Ah, splendid," said Albert, "Us, too!"

A young airline stewardess, Faye,
Has achieved liberation today.
        She screwed without quittin'
        From New York to Britain -
It's clear she has come a long way.

A favorite fantasy project of mine,
Is a new value of pi to assign.
        I would let it be three,
        For it's simpler, you see,
Than three point one four one five nine.

I've forgotten my dull college classes,
But not all the girls and their asses.
        Like that lassie named Flo,
        Whose sweet movements were slow,
Like her love hole was filled with molasses.

Lavinia Jane from Four Marks,
Loved playing with dogs in the parks.
        Don't know what she did,
        But she now has a kid,
Who's covered with hair and oft barks.

In the back seat Marlene was a terror,
But taking the pill seemed to scare her.
        Said she, "Goodness' sakes,
        I don't make mistakes."
In nine months, she gave birth to an error.

The great god of olden Norse myth,
Picked a girl with a lisp to be with.
        When he roared "I AM THOR!"
        She replied from the floor,
"Me too, I'm so thor I can't pith!"

Said a lassie on one of her larks,
"It's better indoors than in parks.
        You feel more at ease,
        And your ass doesn't freeze,
And no joggers will make snide remarks!"

A spinster physician named Spock
Carved some wood in the shape of a cock.
       That's why, it is said,
       That at night, in her bed,
She's a hickory dickery doc!

The wife of sea captain John Gray,
Deprived of her absent mate's lay,
        Found a dildo of wood,
        Could be almost as good,
Now she's happily pining away.

From the back of of a tent in a field,
Where a cobbler evangelist peeled,
        At the soles of lost shoes,
        You could hear the good news,
"In the name of Sweet Jesus be heeled!"

There once was a fellow named Sweeny,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
        Since he was so couth,
        He added Vermouth,
Then slipped to his girl a martini.

When her headache is starting to peak,
And you haven't had sex for a week.
        Turn your backs to each other,
        And think of her mother,
And you'll soon fall asleep, cheek to cheek.

A Scotsman who came from Loch Ness,
Said "Come, see my monster, young Bess."
        But once in his bed,
        she looked up and said,
"It's more like a goldfish, I guess."

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
        She said, "pon my soul,
        You're in the wrong hole.
But there's plenty of room in the right one."

His lordship is frenziedly plumbing,
A barmaid whose pussy is humming!
        Since he pleasured her twat,
        With the first load he shot,
She'll rejoice in the lord's second coming!

There was a young man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born.
        And he wouldn't have been,
        If his father had seen,
That the end of the condom was torn.

There once was a lady named Alice,
Who pee'd in a Catholic chalice.
        She said, "I do this,
        From a great need to piss,
And not from sectarian malice."

There was a young plumber named Lee,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
        When she said, "Stop your plumbing,
        There's somebody coming."
He replied, while still plumbing, "It's me!!"

There once was a girl from Hoboken,
Who said that her hymen was broken,
        From riding a bike,
        On a cobblestone pike,
But it was really broken from pokin'.

Now Senator Teddy from Mass,
Desired a cute piece of ass.
        He lucked out and found her,
        Then screwed up and drowned her,
We hope his career's nearly passed.

Ethnologists out with the Sioux,
Wired home, "Send two punts, one canoe".
        The reply came next day,
        "Girls are on the way,
But what in the world's a panoe"?

There was a young lass from Kanach,
Who pleasured herself with a match.
        She got so excited,
        the damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch

There was a young lady of Wantage.
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.
        Said the Borough Surveyor,
       "You really should pay her,
For you've certainly altered her frontage."

There once was a man from Loch Leven,
Who went for a walk around seven.
        He fell in a pit,
        That was brimfull of shit,
And now the poor buggers in heaven.

She said on our honeymoon night,
as we lay holding each other tight,
        "I'm not sure I see
        what you see in me,
but I love how you use your flashlight."

          (and.....)

And on with the flashlight he plowed,
As though he was cheered by a crowd.
        He found watches and rings,
        And other odd things.
Good grief, she was amply endowed.

There was a young lady at sea,
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
        Said the brawny old mate,
        "That accounts for the state,
Of the cook and the captain and me."

There was a young maid of Porthcrawl,
Who in newspaper went to a Ball.
        The paper caught fire,
        And burned her entire,
Front page, the sports section and all.

There was a young woman named Melanie
Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"
        She replied, "No siree,
        I give it for free;
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony."

There once was a fellow named Yorick,
Who in moments sublimely euphoric.
        Could produce, for inspection,
        Three styles of erection:
Ionian, Corinthian, and Doric!

There was a young lady named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
        They found her vagina,
        In North Carolina,
And a passle of asshole in Dallas.

There was a young lady from Dallas,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
        They found her vagina,
        In North Carolina,
And her asshole at Buckingham Palace.

There once was a nympho named Lil,
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill.
        They found her vagina,
        In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

There once was a young man from Gruel,
With a rosy red ring 'round his tool.
        He went to the clinic
        Said the doctor, a cynic,
"That's only some lipstick you fool!"

A mortician who practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
          "I couldn't know, Judge!
          She is cold and won't budge,
Just the same as she acted in life."

The once was a man from Morocco,
Known to all by his first name of Rocco.
        He said, "to be blunt
        God decreed we eat cunt,
Why else would it look like a taco?"

There once was an old guy from Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
        "It used to be grand,
        But just look at my hand!
You ain't wipin' as clean as you useter."

THere once was a man from Devizes,
whose balls were of two different sizes.
        The one was so small
        it was no ball at all,
but the other had won several prizes!

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Who was happily stroking his Madam.
        And loud was his mirth,
        For on all of the earth,
There were only two balls, and he had 'em!

There once was a girl who begat
three children named Nick, Nat and Tat.
        Now the breeding went well,
        But the feeding was hell,
'Cause she found she had no tit for Tat.

There once was a hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
        He said, "I'll admit,
        She smells quite a bit,
But look at the money I save!"

There once was a bottle from Klein,
That had a most clever design.
        It would turn inside out,
        Which created much doubt,
When it came to decanting the wine.
 
There once was a floozie named Annie,
Whose prices were cozy -- but canny:
        A buck for a fuck,
        Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.

A notorious whore named Miss Hearst,
In the weakness of men is well versed.
        Reads a sign o'er the head,
        Of her well-rumpled bed:
"The customer always comes first."

There once was a man from Bombay,
Who ate gallons of beans every day.
        He farted so loud,
        He attracted a crowd,
But the smell made them all run away.

There once was a man from Belair
Who was fucking his wife on the stair,
        When the bannister broke,
        He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

There once was a young man from Yuma,
Who attempted wild sex with a puma.
        He gave up real quick,
        Minus nose, toes, and prick,
In obvious pain and ill huma.

Said a girl with a look of much pain,
"I've biked over quite rough terrain."
        "I enjoyed every ounce,
        Of each jiggle and bounce,
But I'll never come this way again!"

When the clients are more than a few,
There's a savvy old madam named Drew.
        Who'll establish a line,
        By displaying a sign,
That informs all arrivals: FUCK QUEUE.

There was a young girl of Wohunt,
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
        It had many odd uses,
        Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.

There once was a girl from Balmoral
Who's habits were highly immoral.
        For a price of one dime
        She'd take three at a time
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.

There once was a young man from Boston
Who foolishly purchased an Austin.
        It had room for his ass,
        and two gallons of gas
But his balls hung right out and he lost 'em

Said Sally, "You boys can't be wronger,
Than peeing to see who is stronger!"
        Then she laughed with a lilt,
        Gave her pelvis a tilt,
And pissed a yard higher and longer!
 
There once was a pirate named Yates
Who liked to rumba on skates.
        But he fell on his cutlass,
        And now he is nutless,
And practically useless on dates!

While Titian was mixing rose madder,
His model was posed on a ladder.
        Her position, to Titian,
        Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.

A Young man with passions quite gingery,
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
        He slapped her behind,
        And made up his mind,
To add incest to insult and injury.

There was a young maid from Boston, Mass.
Who stood in the ocean right up to her knees.
        I know it don't rhyme,
        But give it some time,
It will when the tide comes in...at last

There was a young lady from Dallas,
With an unsatiable penchent for phalus.
        In her lovers endevor,
        To sate her however,
His manhood developed a callus.

A girl shock of wheat went to sleep,
Where a boy shock of wheat had been heaped.
        When she woke she was bread,
        And she immediately said,
"What the hell, Oh my God, I've been reaped."

There once was a man named McKoo
Whose limericks all end on line two.
      -------------------------
        And though we want more,
        Perhaps a line four,
There's nothing we're able to do!

There was an old girl of Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny.
        For the half of that sum,
        You could finger her bum,
A source of amusement to many.

I once had a girl in the clover,
Who flatly refused to turn over.
        So I went for her ass,
        At which said the lass,
"Watch out, you'll get stuck just like Rover!"

Last evening I gave her a smile,
She noticed it stuck out a mile.
        Pretty soon, in the dark,
        We both started to bark,
Don't y'all love that ole Doggy style?

"Far dearer to me than my treasure,"
The heiress declared, "is my leisure.
        For then I can screw,
        The whole Harvard crew...
They're slow, but that lengthens the pleasure."

There was a young girl from Peru
Who had nothing whatever to do,
        So she sat on the stairs,
        And counted cunt hairs,
Four thousand, three hundred and two.

There once was a man from Toronto,
Whose girlfriend yelled, "Honey, come pronto!"
        "I've left my behind
        Exposed for mankind,
Now do what you will, if you want to."

There was a young farmer of Nant,
Whose conduct was gay and gallant,
        For he fucked all his dozens
        Of nieces and cousins,
In addition of course, to his aunt.

There once was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought that all kids came from God.
        But it wern't the Almighty
        Who lifted her nighty,
It was Roger, the lodger, the sod.

To his bride, her new groom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is a big as a dish!"
        She replied, "Oh you fool,
        With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"

A mortician's daughter named Maddie,
Told an eager but virginal laddie,
        "Just do what I say,
        And we'll have a great lay,
Cause I've buried more stiffs than my daddy"

Null vectors have zero projection,
So you ask, "What can be their direction?"
        They point any which way.
        "That's BS!" you say?
Not really; it's just misdirection.

I heard that Confucius did say,
To a fellow whose pockets gave way.
        He counseled " Don't knock it,
        A hole in your pocket,
Will make you feel cocky all day."

As Samuel was screwing his bride,
She said,"Oops, you are not circumcised".
        "Oh that's something new,
        For the more modern Jew,
They cut it off way deep inside".

There once was a nervy young Jew,
Who said to his rabbi, "Screw you!
        I eat meat on Yom Kippur,
        Mixed with milk by the dipper,
And as for the shikshes--Woo, Woo!"           (shikshe = non Jewish female.)

Samuel told Sarah they'd wed bye & bye,
He said. "You can trust me, an honorable guy."
        Said she, "Might be true,
        But before our first screw,
Let's discuss it at length with the Rabbi."

In young years my favorite fixation,
Was hours of great fornication.
        At age eighty-four,
        What excites me much more,
Is an easy and good defecation.

On one of the Space Shuttle missions,
A virgin lost all inhibitions.
        With reckless abandon,
        She shagged every gland in,
That spaceship, in most all positions.

There was a young man of Verdun,
Who wanted to try anal fun.
        He wanted a looker,
        Who wasn't a hooker,
Alas, in the end he got none.

"Klein's bottle," said one who is knowing,
"Is a bottle with just one side showing,
        "So that what you pour in,
        Just pours out again,
So maybe it's coming and going."

There once was a lady from Norway,
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
        She called her friend Dick,
        "Come here real quick,
I think I've discovered one more way."

There once was a dude named McGruder,
Who spied a girl nude so he woo'ed her.
        She thought it was rude,
        To be woo'ed in the nude,
But McGruder was shrewder and screwed her.

In a men's room somewhere in this land,
A sign ore a urinal does stand.
        "Right here in this place,
         The next of our race,
You're holding right now in your hand".

There was a young girl from Madrid,
Who thought she'd be having a kid.
        So by holding her water,
        Three months and a quarter,
She drowned the poor bastard, she did.

Old mother Hubbard went to her cupboard,
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
        But when she bent over,
        Rover took over,
for he had a bone of his own.

Let's say you get drunk at a bar,
And your pecker won't rise very far.
        Don't get yourself flustered,
        If you can't cut the mustard,
You always can lick out the whole jar.

There once was a singer named Springer,
Whose balls got caught in the Wringer.
        As they rolled down the drain,
        He cried out in pain,
(falsetto) "There goes my career as a singer!"

Let us all tip our hats to the Persians,
whom we note for their sexual diversions.
        They make love all day,
        In the usual way,
And save up the nights for perversions.

A gal in our town (here she's nameless),
The gossips all say was quite shameless.
        When her boyfriend was shot,
        By the husband she's got,
They agreed that the husband was blameless.

A faggot who lived in Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room.
        They spent the whole night,
        In a terrible fight,
Over who would do what, and to whom.

An awkward young girl named Delores,
Who danced in a Las Vegas chorus,
        Once mused as she flounced,
       "Just how *is* it pronounced?
as CLIT-uh-russ or maybe clit-ORR-us?"

In fact, though some call it a "clit",
Just a few in the know have the wit.
        To pronounce the thing right:
        The first syllable's KLYTE,
(Although frankly I don't give a shite.)

When dating young WACs please behave,          (WAC = Women's Army Corps - WWII)
And don't squeeze the breasts of a WAVE.          (WAVE = US Navy Women's Reserve)
        Just lie in the sand,
        And do it by hand,
Buy BONDS with the money you save.

"Playing topless," says softball coach Beam,
"Wins a girl's club both fans and esteem.
        They're the Baltimore Quails,
        But some pun-loving males,
Like to call them "The aureoles team."

There was a young lady named Wylde,
Who kept herself quite undefiled.
        By thinking of Jesus,
        Contagious diseases,
And the bother of raising a child.

Thanksgiving is here, Lass and Lad,
Raise your glass in a toast and be glad.
   For the health and good cheer,
   You've had all through the year,
And for all the fine fucking you've had!

"Sixty Nine was a bit of a flop,"
Said the girl as she moved back on top,
        "If sex must be kinky,
        Let's try some less stinky,
So you won't have a reason to stop"

A singles-bar hitter named Ford,
Leads off with a girl who is bored.
        By advancing his claim,
        That the name of the game,
Comes to this: to have singled and scored.

A gigantic young crewman named Tate,
Has a penis whose weight is quite great.
        Since his dates fear to screw,
        What's a stroke oar to do?
He's reduced to just pulling his weight.

A notorious roundheels named Shore.
Would allow horny sailors to score.
        But employed every means,
        Of avoiding Marines,
She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps.

There was a young lady of Rheims,
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
        A friend poked around,
        And a coat button found,
Wedged tightly in one of her seams.

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves,
Likes to jack off young men whom she loves.
        She will use her bare fist,
        If the fellows insist,
But she really prefers to wear gloves.

There was a young lady from Louth,
Who returned from a trip in the south.
        Her father said, "Nelly,
        There's more in your belly
"Than ever went in through your mouth."

A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups,
        "The height of my folly,
        Was screwing a collie,
But I got a nice price for the pups"

There was a young fellow from Brighton,
Who thought he'd at last found a tight one.
        He said, "Oh, my love,
        It fits like a glove!"
She replied, "Cause you're not in the right one."

Said a lovely young lady named Lake,
Pervertedly fond of a snake,
        "If my good friend, the boa,
        Shoots spermatazoa,
What offspring we'll leave in our wake!"

The mathematician Von Blecks,
Devised an equation for sex,
        Having proved a good fuck,
        Isn't patience or luck,
But a function of y over x.

There once was a man from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
        In a month the silly ass,
        was covered with grass,
and he couldn't sit down for the weeds.

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
Said, "There is one thing I do know,
        A woman is fine,
        A sheep is sublime,
But a llama est numero uno!"

The breasts of a barmaid in Vail,
Were tatooed with the price of brown ale.
        And on her behind,
        For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.

There was a young man in from Kent,
Whose dick was so long that it bent.
        To save himself trouble,
        He shoved it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

There once was a man from Woonsocket,
Who stuck his big dick in a socket.
        His wife was a bitch,
        And flipped on the switch,
Which made him take off like a rocket.

When Daddy and Mum got quite plastered,
And their shame had been thoroughly mastered.
        They told their boy, Harry,
       "Son, we never did marry.
But don't tell the neighbours, you bastard."

Inviting the prince to her lair,
Rapunzel let down her muff hair.
        He climed up her minge,
        Then said with a cringe,
"That twat would look much better bare."

The Duchess, while sitting at tea,
Enquired, "Do you fart when you pee?"
        I replied with some wit,
        "Do you belch when you shit?"
And I thought, that's it ... one up for me!

In a Greek mathematical Forum,
Young Euclid was present to bore 'em.
        He spent most of his time,
        Drawing circles sublime,
And in crossing the pons asinorum.
 
"The Queen," so an editor said,
"Was pleased when a page gave her head.
        But was more pleased when two,
        Did a synchronized do,
While the Queen did a double-page spread."

There once was a young girl from France,
Who thought she might just take a chance.
         So she let herself go,
         For an hour or so,
Now all of her sisters are aunts.

A Jewish composer named Bloch,
Wrote "Drum Riffs for Circumcised Cock,"
        Which never brought joy,
        When played by a goy,
Cause the foreskin absorbed all the shock.

A scandal involving an oyster,
Sent the Duchess of Clewes to a cloister.
        She preferred it in bed,
        To the Duke, for she said,
"It's stonger, and longer and moister!"

He told her, "I cannot construe,
If it's in where your pee or you poo."
        She said, "You dumb bastard!
        You've gotten so plastered,
You've stuck your dick into my shoe!"
 
Mixing joy and suspicion, one Russou,
Told his bride, "My beloved, your trousseau.
        Is virginal white,
        But it hardly seems right,
That a virgin should know how to screw so!"

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee,
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree.
        Jeered she, "Shift your whopper,
        You careless limb lopper!
That's a moss covered knothole - not me!"

In a strip-poker parlor called Dante's,
Where a maiden had just lost her panties.
        She blushed, glanced around,
        And guess what she found?
All the men players raising their antes!

"I'll tell you," smiled prom chairman Mose,
"Why Peggy's the prom queen I chose.
        She's as cheerfully free,
        As the wind on the sea,
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!"

A certain young lady of Babylon,
Decided to lure all the rabble on.
        By raising her shirt,
        And dropping her skirt,
Exposing a market to dabble on.

A shapely young lady named Fern,
Puts out and is paid in return.
        "And my earnings," she said,
        "I conceal in my bed,
Since the ads say to save where you earn."

There was a young lady from Maine,
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
        But you knew from the view,
        As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that they'd lain.

A thrifty old man named McEwen,
Inquired, "Why bother with screwing?
        It's safer and cleaner,
        To just rub your wiener,
And besides you can see what you're doing."

She'd never gone farther than kissing,
And still used her thing just for pissing.
        The first time was painful,
        And terribly stainful,
But she found out just what she'd been missing.

There was an old lady who lay,
With her legs wide apart in the hay.
        Then calling the ploughman,
        She said, "Do it now man,
Don't wait till your hair has turned grey."

A wanton young mermaid named Jones,
Elicited undersea moans.
        From guys aqualunging,
        By saltily tonguing,
Their divers erogenous zones.

A gay prison chaplain named Locke,
Had a passion for hard convict cock.
        For his ass-holey ways
        In his Alcatraz days,
He was nicknamed the piece of the rock.

His kookie French mistress, George Sand,
Kept "Fingers" Chopin well in hand
        By suggesting to Fred:
        "If you knock off for bed,
You can bang me instead of your grand!"

A seismology coed named Schlichter,
Had a boy friend named Victor, who licked her.
        With an ardor unslaked,
        Till with pleasure she quaked,
On a scale that surpassed that of Richter.
 
She made not a whimper nor sigh,
As I felt up her very cold thigh.
        Though she don't disaprove,
        She also won't move,
Some women get weird when they die.
 
In rest rooms, a guy named Elias,
Wreaks havoc; the wherefore and why is,
        Inaccurate aim,
        And he places the blame,
On a rabbi who cut on the bias.

A poor spelling golfer named Lear,
Was sent to the clink for a year.
        For an action obscene,
        Near the seventeenth green,
Where a club sign said ENTER COURSE HERE.

Time was when most carnal enjoyment.
Was rooted in girl-under-boyment.
        But today's ways of sex,
        Use techniques so complex,
That they've lessened girls' underemployment.

In Flanders, a porn queen of note,
Announced to the press (and we quote),
        "Going down is my bag,
        So - excuse me the gag -
I'll soon have some Flems in my throat."

A craftsman who weaves in Khartoum,
Lures innocent boys to his room.
        Consumed by that fever,
        This Sudanese weaver,
Has been nicknamed the fruit of the loom.

Though excited, her brother protested,
"If we're caught, we can both be arrested!"
        But she yanked down his shorts,
        Say judicial reports,
And exclaimed, "I insist!" - and incested.

Sighed the queen to a sheep-tending vassal,
Ere she snuck him back into the castle,
        "Both my mouth and my quim,
        Will perform at your whim,
And besides, handsome vassal, my ass'll."

Don Juan muttered, "Luscious Marie,
Was ripe for seduction by me.
        I employed Spanish fly,
        But her virtuous cry,
Made me switch to abrupt Spanish flee!"

Dr. Spooner said, "Screwing's sublime,
When a man takes the trouble to prime.
        Extended-type foreplay,
        Prolonged until scoreplay,
Is a practice whose come, sir, has time!"

A charming young lady from Brussels,
Takes pride in her vaginal muscles.
        For every erection,
        Her timing's perfection,
And she never hurries - she hustles.

While in Athens, a tourist named Joan,
Told her guide, with a trace of a groan,
        "Though a fuck is just fine,
        When I'm lying supine,
It's a pain in the ass when I'm prone."

An eager young French girl named Claire,
Endowed with beaucoup pubic hair,
        Begged her date, "Darling, please
        Put it in me - don't tease!"
He replied, "Oh, I want to! - but where?"

A girlie named Shirley, from Burley,
Was lovely, with hair long and curly,
        We lay in the flax,
        But I reached my climax
Too early and Shirley grew surly.

There was a young lady called Bright,
Whose speed was much faster that light.
        She set out one day,
        In a relative way,
And returned home the previous night.

In the bar of the Hotel du Lac,
Sits a girl in a dress, low-cut, black,
        For 95 francs,
        She'll give you some yanks,
In a small secret room out in back.

An old lady swallowed a spider,
She felt the thing wriggle inside her,
        She stopped the sensation,
        With intoxication,
And drowned the arachnid with cider.

The first time I made love to Cass,
Was there, 'neath that tree; but alas
        Her mom came that way,
        And what did she say?
She just bleated and nibbled some grass.

Though once they were thought raunchy papists,
Forgiven by pious escapists,
        Today we're disgusted
        By the clergy we'd trusted,
Since we found out they're just paunchy rapists.

I wondered how Sue was in bed,
So one day I put it to Ned,
        He said she was cocky,
        But behaved like a jockey,
She just mounted and gave him his head

A curious bird is the pelican,
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
        Enough for a week,
        He can hold in his beak,
And I've no clue at all how the hell he can.

When Sue from her clothing is freed,
She loves using me as a steed.
        She jiggles and wriggles,
        And bounces and giggles
Like a kangaroo dosed up on speed.

Eve swore that the Garden of Eden,
Was the finest of places to breed in.
        Cause, when Adam got hot,
        There was only one twat,
For him to deposit his seed in.

He leered as he slowly descended,
His member engorged and distended.
        But Sue said, "Surprise!",
        As she opened her eyes,
"My coma was only pretended!"

Oh, a wondrous bird is the pelican!
His bill holds more than his belican.
        He can take in his beak,
        Enough food for a week,
But I'm damned if I know how the helican.

This young girl was no good at tennis
But at swimming was really a menace,
        She took pains to explain,
        "It depends how you train;
And I'm a streetwalker from Venice."

A timid young maiden from Thrace,
Said, "Darling that's not the right place!"
        So he gave her a smack,
        Rolled her onto her back,
And finished the job face to face.

There was a young man from Racine,
Who invented a fucking machine.
        Concave or convex,
        It could suit either sex,
With accessories for those in between.

There was a young man from Rangoon,
Whose farts could be heard on the moon.
        When you wouldn't expect 'em,
        They'd roar from his rectum,
With a sound like a double bassoon.

There once was a young girl from Siam,
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
        "If you take me, of course,
        You must do it by force,
But thank God you're stronger than I am."

"My back's giving out, and my penis is sore,
And I simply can't screw any more.
        I'm dripping with sweat,
        But you haven't come yet,
And, my God, it's a quarter past four."

A well built young laundress named Spangle,
Had tits tilting up at an angle.
        She said, with a grin,
        "They may tickle my chin,"
"But at least they stay clear of the mangle."

A student of music from Sparta,
Was a truly magnificent farter.
        On the gas of one bean,
        He'd fart God save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

A woman who lived in St. Paul,
Had breasts undeniably small.
        Her husband said, "Dear,
        Why not burn your brassiere?
It's serving no purpose at all."

There was a young girl from Penzance,
Who decided to take just one chance.
        So she let herself go,
        In the bed of her beau;
And now all of her sisters are aunts.

A luscious young student from Vassar,
Was hailed as a top-of-the-classer.
        But not for her studies,
        You old fuddy duddies,
She excelled as a great piece-of-asser.

There was a young lady from Norway,
Who hung by her heels from a doorway.
        She said to her beau,
        "Come look at this, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way.

Whilst trying to out-smut each other,
You've gone and disturbed our dear mother.
        She came for a read,
        And left at full speed,
Include, please, "Hard-Core " on the cover!

A fellow from Chicopee, Mass,
Rejected another man's pass.
        He felt some attraction,
        But recalled that the action,
Might well prove a pain in the ass.

A distorted young fellow named Fred
Had a tool with a corkscrew-shaped head.
        He found, having hunted,
        A girl similarly-cunted,
But - alas! - with a left-handed thread.

The cock of a fellow named Fred
Was adorned with a spiralized head.
        When at last he laid eyes,
        On a cunt the right size,
He was foiled by a left-handed thread!

His cock like a corkscrew expanded,
A spiral vagina demanded.
        His search lasted years,
        And ended in tears,
'Cause the thread of her cunt was left-handed.

There was a young fellow named Dick,
Who was cursed with a spiralling prick,
        So he set out to hunt,
        For a screw-twisted cunt,
That would match with his corkscrewy dick.

        And.....

He found one, and took it to bed,
And then in chagrin, he dropped dead.
        For that spiralling snatch,
        It never would match,
The damn thing had a left-handed thread!

In Juarez I've dropped a few dimes,
On tequila with salt and some limes.
        To the sounds of "Hey meester,
        wanna play weeth my seester?
She's now been a virgin 12 times."

A sycophant butler named Sig,
Spilled soup on his boss' best wig.
        The servant got busted,
        And was so disgusted,
When leaving he showed him the fig.

"I'm sorry," said Mary McBride,
"But frankly I'm sick of this ride;
        Your humping incessant
        Is no longer pleasant."
"That doesn't quite rhyme." he replied.

There was a young lady called Kate,
Whose math sure was right up-to date.
        She said, "It is fun,
        When three threes are one-one,
Which they are when it's modulo eight!"

The wearing of nun-like apparel,
While screwing your ass off, oh Carol,
        Won't fool Mister Satan,
        Who'll have none of your mate'n.
Line up for your turn in the barrel.

There was a young lady named Ransom,
Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
        When she cried out for more,
        A voice from the floor,
Said, "Remember, I'm Simpson, not Samson."

There once was a welder named Jack,
Who bragged he could fill any crack.
        But he sure changed his tune,
        When he found out that June,
Was really a gay guy named Mac.

I used to think math was no fun,
'Cause I couldn't see how it was done.
        Now Euler's my hero,
        For I now see why zero,
equals e to the i pi plus one.

There was a young girl from Mobile,
Whose hymen was harder than steel.
        To score her first thrill,
        Took a right angle drill,
And a three eights inch wide diamond wheel.

My father loved radio (ham),
But I told him that shortwave's a sham.
        I got him online,
        And now hear him whine,
That he's traded his static for spam.

There was a young sailor named Fred,
Who once took a mermaid to bed.
        He said, "To be blunt,
        I can't find your cunt.
So why don't you blow me, instead?"
 
There was a young man from St. Kitt,
Who was screwing a spinster, but quit.
        Said she, "Don't be scary,
        It's only my cherry,"
Said he, "Feels more like the pit."

The new cinematic emporium
Is not just a super-sensorium,.
        But a highly effectual.
        Heterosexual.
Mutual masturbatorium.

The integral of zee-squared dee zee,
From one to the cube root of three,
        Times the cosine,
        Of three pi over nine,
Equals log of the cube root of 'e'.     (The natural log, of course.)


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