At 2:00 am on Friday October 28th I awoke with an aching upper back and a general feeling of discomfort. It had been a long week as we had just moved back into our house five days prior, following a year-long house renovation. I was exactly 35 weeks along with our first child and although I did very little physically to help with the move, it was exhausting just the same. So that morning at 2 am I decided to draw myself a warm bath in the (finally clean of dust) jacuzzi. It helped me relax and I began to feel sleepy but my back still didn't feel right so I crept into the nursery we had started putting together and pulled a blanket over my legs in the recliner. As I lay there thinking that we would have a son in just over a month, I felt an internal shift and distinct slide as our son dropped. I was already half asleep and smiled to myself, thinking that in the morning it would be fun to see if I could tell the difference in my belly now that he wasn't riding so high. Then I fell asleep.
At 7:30 am I awoke to the sound of Dave calling my name. He woke up for work and, seeing all the pillows piled on my side of the bed, assumed I was snuggled under the covers. When he came to kiss me goodbye he saw that I was MIA. I called out that I was in the nursery and told him of my night taking the bath and that I felt the baby drop. I told him that I would go back to bed and let myself sleep in. After he left I headed to our bedroom and snuggled up on his side of the bed. It was so wonderful to finally have our house (our first since getting married almost two years before) and bedroom done. As I lay there I thought about the day and was looking forward to unpacking some more, making it a home. Suddenly I felt warmth and some wetness and thought that I had wet my pants. I stood up suddenly and felt a trickle. As I ran to the bathroom I felt it pick up and by the time my feet hit the tile I was gushing clear liquid. My pajamas were soaked. I ripped them off and sniffed - kind of a sweet smell, certainly not urine! My water was broken!
I wiped up as best I could and ran for the phone to call my husband's mobile. No answer. Called his office. It was 8:15 am and he should be just arriving. Instead, his coworker answered.
"Hussein! I need to talk with Dave!" "Dave's not here yet, Jen..." (I was getting panicked now) "Have him call me at home as soon as he walks in!"
Then I called my friend Katie while I sat down on the toilet to catch the residual dribble. We were both getting hysterical on the phone when call waiting beeped through. Dave was calling from the World Trade Center PATH station on his cell phone, which now had service. Hussein and Marlene had tracked him down. I told him that my water broke and we were going to have the baby. He said he would turn right around and that I should call the doctor. Guess so - it seriously hadn't occurred to me to call her. I left a message with her answering service and the phone rang right back. It was my doula Britt who said Dave had called her and asked her to come right over - is that what I wanted? I laughed and told her that no, he was jumping the gun a little as contractions hadn't even started yet. She offered to e-mail me a castor oil recipe to see if that might help get things moving. We decided to keep in touch througout the day. As soon as I hung up, the phone rang again, this time it was my wonderful OB, Dr. P. Assuring her that the fluid was clear, I told her that I would like to stay home and try to get labor started here instead of going to the hospital. She said that would be fine and said to keep walking, take a shower if it got painful, try nipple stimulation, and that castor oil would be fine, too. She would check in around 1 pm and that I could expect to go to the hospital at that point.
Dave walked in the door not too long after and our excitement was palpable in the air. Yes, it was early to be delivering but my friend had both her sons at 35 weeks and they were perfectly healthy. I had gone for an ultrasound the day before and the baby's weight was estimated at 5 lbs - small, but not tiny. We checked e-mail and got our labor cocktail: 2 ounces castor oil, 2 ounces orange juice, 2 ounces vodka. Dave went out to walk to the corner grocery, the liquor store, and the pharmacy. I popped online to let people know that my water broke and that we would be having a baby! Dave came home a bit later, having a bit of an adventure in looking for vodka as it was too early in the morning for the liquor store to be open. But luckily he saw a neighbor in the park walking their dog, and describing the strange dilemma ("I need vodka for my wife who is in labor!"), and our neighbor offered up his liquor cabinet. I decided to hold off for a bit on the castor oil to see if things would start on its own with walking. We realized that we were in desperate need of some essentials that had gone missing during our move earlier that week (like a watch to time contractions!) so we headed to Target to get our first bit of walking around in. I started to feel a little weak and my back began to hurt more, so it felt like *something* was starting to happen. We decided to take one last belly picture:
Over the next several hours we went on walks, tried and failed to install the carseat, ate snacks, posted on the web, and at 11 am made and drank a labor cocktail with a full two ounces of castor oil. At 1 pm my OB called to see how we were doing and I let her know that contractions had begun but I would like to labor at home for a bit more. She agreed and said she would call back in a few hours to check on me. We went out for another walk to the pharmacy to pick up another bottle of castor oil and on the way back chatted with my friend Cara who stopped by to wish us good luck. The first round of castor oil at 11 am resulted in (its intended use) of a lot of diarrhea. Contractions soon followed, although they were weak and around 15 minutes apart. When they petered out around 3 pm we re-upped with another dose of 2 oz of castor oil and then the contractions really started hitting. It was very similar to the miscarriage labor I had experienced almost a year before with our first pregnancy.
At 6:30 pm my OB called again and said that she wanted us to head to the hospital. We were a little wary of heading out in Friday night Manhattan commute traffic (especially with the massive diarrhea I was having), but realized that she had already been reasonable with having me stay home for the day as I had wanted. We took the dog for one last walk in the park, ate a last meal of Amy's Organics Frozen Cheese Enchiladas, and called family to let them know that we were going in. My contractions were closer together at this point - about 5-6 minutes apart. The car ride caused them to speed up and when we hit the Holland Tunnel just a couple minutes later they were only 2-3 minutes apart. I was excited and sure that my cervix was making progress. Dave was terrified that we were going to have a tunnel baby. It was about 7:40 pm.
We got to the hospital around 8 pm and went up to L&D. As the elevator doors opened a huge crowd of people stood in the hallway and we realized that it was the Friday night L&D tour that we were supposed to be on that evening! Too late - we'd be getting our own private tour in just a few minutes. The castor oil effects were still being felt, so I was back and forth to the bathroom while the nurses prepped a room for me. I was in constant motion, and was liking the fact that I could really feel the contractions now. They were starting to get painful at this point, but I was still having fun. Here are some pictures of me laboring in the triage room, doing squats and focusing on getting the baby to move down.
In the delivery room the birth became very medicalized, much to my dismay. An IV was inserted, which took four needle sticks and two nurses, monitors were strapped on, a gown was handed to me to put on. I followed all the directions and lay down in bed only to have the contractions slow and nearly stop. A resident came by to check and see what progress I had made and I thought to myself that at least they would see what good progress I could make if they just let me keep moving around. Pronouncement? *Maybe* 1 cm dilated and -3 station. Damn. Dr. Paka was called and she suggested that we start Cervadil to help my cervix open up. I agreed but was even more upset when they told me this meant I would have to lie in bed on my back for a full two hours. The cervadil triggered stronger contractions and I was having a hard time lying still so that the monitors didn't get jostled. Right about this time I was getting very angry about the birth and medical turn it had taken - evidenced in the picture Dave took:
I suddenly NEEDED to listen to some classical music, so Dave left me in search of a CD player/radio and found one at the Duane Reade pharmacy across the street from the hospital. The music was put on and it helped me to relax some. Before the two hours of Cervadil were up I was thrashing in bed needing to move around. Finally, I told the nurse it needed to come out even though there were still 15 minutes left. Too bad, I said, I was getting up. The doctor rechecked me and I was dilated up to a 3. Sigh. I asked the nurse to unhook the IV, get rid of the monitors, and I changed out of the hospital gown. Dave went in search of a birthing ball and found one in a closet down the hall. I decided to sit, bounce, focus on the baby moving down, and start knitting an orange preemie-sized hat for this little guy. Finally this birth was getting back to how I wanted it to go:
Midnight hit and the contractions were getting very strong and I was starting to have a hard time with them. I was also regularly vomiting and still having diarrhea, so much of my labor was happening in the bathroom, or on a bedpan when I was in bed with the monitoring. Dave was rotating bedpans for me - the diarrhea was bad and the vomiting was continual. He spoke with the doulas at some point and said that maybe 1 am would be a good time for them to come over to help. I asked the nurse about getting in the jacuzzi and she said that would be okay - I could do intermittent fetal monitoring, but I would have to spend 15 minutes every hour in bed for that, otherwise I could do what I wanted. The doulas arrived and drew a hot bath for me in the tub. Labor was getting tough and the water felt heavenly. I had to get out for the monitoring and laboring on my back in bed was by far more painful. Here's a picture of a contraction during the monitoring:
At this point in labor I started withdrawing inside myself to deal with the pain. I was getting exhausted and would fall fast asleep in between contractions. I could hear people in the room and could respond when spoken to, but otherwise I kept my eyes closed. I also began vocalizing with the mantra "down, doooown, doooown" and visualized the baby moving farther down and my cervix opening up. The contractions were very erratic and remained that way until the birth. At times the contractions were one on top of another, with only seconds in between to rest. Then I would have a 20 minute break and resume with a contraction every 2 or 7 minutes. I had lost all sense of time, though, and was completely inside myself up until delivery. Here I am, contracting (or sleeping?) in the jacuzzi:
Our doulas Britt and Christine (my physical therapist) were wonderful. As Dave put it, they brought a whole new bag of tricks to help me manage the contractions. I remember a lot of massage, a vibrating thing on my scalp, the hand-shower being sprayed on my back, and lots of assistance with positioning. At around 4:30 am the fetal monitors started picking up an erratic heartbeat and my OB (who had since arrived to attend the birth) wanted me to stay on the monitors. I hated the monitors and this was so disheartening. I decided to meditate and concentrate on getting his heartbeat steady, but then the nurse said it was too "flat". In exasperation, I remember telling them all exactly what I thought of their monitors, and it wasn't very positive.
The contractions were severe by this point. I kept feeling pressure and it was all I could do not to push, and it felt like a knife were stabbing me across the front of my pelvic region. Instead of welcome each contraction I began to be a little afraid and when one would start I would try to stave it off. I knew this was working against me, but it hurt more than I ever imagined. I couldn't open my eyes, I couldn't talk. I felt like I was drowning in the pain. My position at this time was kneeling on the bed, leaning over the raised back and moaning. I had no clothes on from the waist down and was wearing just a tank top. But there was no shame and I had fully lost my sense of my "social self". Suddenly the pain was so strong and the urge to push so great I shifted into a squat. With the next contraction I stood up on the bed and began yelling. The doulas and Dave moved to stand around the bed and spot me. I remember someone saying "be careful" and someone else (the nurse? Dr. P?) offering me something for the pain. I said no and then quietly begged Dave for pain relief, knowing that I didn't really want it.
The pushing feeling was too strong and with the next contraction I bore down and said that I *had* to push. Dilation had just been checked a few minutes prior and Dr. P said that she could try to stretch me, but I was only at 8 cm. Everyone told me not to push. I tried to say that I couldn't help it, but all that came out was a low grown and grunt as I involuntarily pushed. I saw Dr. P look at me and we made eye contact. She simply said "let's have a baby, then."
With that I flipped over on my back to push, although I had been told I could push in any position I wanted. Dave came close to me and stroked my hair. We looked at each other and he gave me a kiss - our last kiss as a family of 2. He put his hand on my chest and told me that I could do it. I could birth our baby.
As I prepared to push it was noticed that my IV had come dislodged and was no longer attached. The nurse set out to reinsert the IV while I pushed. It was frustrating to have several things going on at once, but I didn't think to tell her no. Finally it was back in and I began pushing with complete abandon. Dr. P told me to wait for contractions but at this point I couldn't tell when I was having a contraction and when I wasn't - it just hurt so bad like the front of my abdomen was being split open. Dr. P started putting a lot of gel on me and I asked what she was doing. She said it was to lube me up and help the baby come out. I told her that was a good idea and then we laughed because as Dave noted, it probably wasn't something she *just* thought of. She provided a lot of perineum support and I could feel her hand on me, so that there was pressure from inside and out.
At this point I began pushing with all my might, even though I still couldn't tell if I was having a contraction or not. I just needed the baby OUT and it needed to happen immediately. Later, my doula Christine said that she was trying to tell me to breathe out and not hold my breath in, but I didn't hear her. I wish I had, as I blew out all the blood vessels behind my eyes from pushing so hard and my vision was disturbed for the next few days and my eyes bloody for a couple weeks. After 10 minutes or so someone told me that the head was coming out and to reach down and touch him as he crowned. I did but didn't like the feeling - his head felt like a soft boiled egg and it scared me. Everyone encouraged me and kept saying "here he comes, here he comes!" I felt a lot of pressure on the right side of my vagina and then an incredible burn as my inner labia split, and with that push our son was born. It was 5:53 am and he was 4 lb 9 oz and 16 1/2 inches long.
There was a brief moment of silence followed by a cry. Dr. P asked Dave if he wanted to cut the cord. He hadn't planned on it, but said okay and was handed the scissors. I could barely open my eyes and kept asking "Is he okay?, Is he okay?" The baby (who was named Xavier 3 days later, but at this point had no name) was whisked over to an exam table for examination. Dave stayed with him and kept reporting back to me that he was fine, he was okay, just really small.
He was handed to me while my labia got stitched up and I tried to put him to the breast, but he just nuzzled instead and began making little chirping noises. I asked that they delay the eye ointment as I wanted some time to bond with him, something that hadn't happened when he was in utero. We had some time snuggling and where I tried to nurse but his chirping noises increased and my OB said that he needed to go to the NICU to get checked out. We managed to get some pictures before he was taken away:
Dave came back from the NICU saying that they needed to keep him for observation. I was really upset and asked him to go back and Get. Our. Baby. At this point I was thinking that the decision to keep him in the NICU was just an administrative decision of hospital policy because he was born early. Our son didn't seem to have any problems that I could tell. The pediatrician resident who attended his birth actually agreed with me and said she would go speak to the neonatologist in the NICU and bring him back. About this point, Dave overheard Dr. P in the hallway tell the ped resident that the baby needed to stay in the NICU, but he didn't tell me that at the time since he wasn't sure exactly what was going on either. I was so upset when both the ped and Dave told me that the neonatologist would be keepiing him in the NICU. I still didn't understand why, but apparently the chirping noises he was making were characteristic of respiratory distress syndrome, which is common with preterm births and lung immaturity and Xavier was going to need some assistance breathing. The next time I saw him was about six hours later and it wasn't until that evening about 12 hours later that I could hold him:
After 10 days in the NICU Xavier Joseph came home. Here he is, taking his carseat for a test spin the day before his release:
And he and I on our second day at home, nursing in the recliner where it all started a week and a half earlier...
Today, three and a half months later our minibaby is growing big. He's 11 1/2 lbs now and the absolute light of our life.
