Limericks and Poems 2

NOTE: All poems, songs, limericks, jokes, puzzles and stories contained in these archives are COPYRIGHTED to the original author. In most cases, the original author is the person who wrote the post.

Some of these posts were edited down from longer posts made to RCTN.


From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Is there a 12-step program for stitchers?
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Sun, 16 Jul 1995 04:35:30 GMT

In article <3u9jql$3r@ixnews5.ix.netcom.com>, marbeth@ix.netcom.com says...
> gotta be a limerick in this thread somewhere....

I went to a meeting for AA
To stand up and ask 'em "Say hey,
Is there any hope
for my kind of dope
who just wants to stitch night and da-ay?"

--poetic license is a wonderful idea! Phoebe Carroll

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Introducing...NA (Needleworker's Anonymous)
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 22:15:20 GMT

I don't think we can call ourselves NA
that name is taken by ex-druggies they say
To form a real 12-step program
You must be more willing than I am
to give all those great projects away.

I think I'll stay addicted
tho my family's afflicted
and stitch when I can
like a real needlework fan
at least this vice they always predicted. ---Phoebe Carroll


One RCTN regular discovered a major storm was not only damaging her house, it was after her needlework, too. --KMD

From: stevegeo@ix.netcom.com (Stephan A. George )
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: I Was Attacked by Flying Floss!!
Date: 17 Jul 1995 21:05:03 GMT
Organization: Netcom

In <Pine.SUN.3.91.950716195818.24869G-100000@exp1.wam.umd.edu> Tara
<tara@wam.umd.edu> writes:
>
>On 16 Jul 1995, JanieCoh wrote:
>
>> It's true!! Early Saturday morning I was awaken by a tremendous noise and
>> ventured from my bedroom out to the kitchen/dining area in the front of
>> our house. I was attacked by flying floss!
>
><ROTFL!>
>(wiping the tears from my eyes)
>
>There's *got* to be a limerick for this! Phoebe? Kathy? Someone?
>pleeeaaassseee?

Well, here's my first attempt at a limerick, Tara:

Some flying floss flew from her hand
She couldn't do a thing, understand?
So she begged and she pleaded
For all that she needed
And she's now stitching to beat the band!

How's that?

Cheryl (using her husband's account)

From: "Daphne O. Klemme" <dklemme@ucs.indiana.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Flying Floss Limerick
Date: 17 Jul 1995 21:24:36 GMT
Organization: Indiana University - Physics Department

The wind mightily blew and blew,
Oh my! said the stitcher as away her floss flew!
She chased and she chased,
For she didn't dare waste it!
Without it, she thought, what would I do?

It's not perfect, but it sure was fun!

Happy XSing!
Daphne

Mrs. Daphne O. Klemme | Physics Department | Any opinions expressed
Email: dklemme@indiana.edu | Indiana University | here are my own and do
------------------------------------------------| not reflect those of
------------------------------------------------| Indiana University

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: I Was Attacked by Flying Floss!!
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 22:48:33 GMT

A limerick? in a major floss attack?

The sky went dark the wind did spin
around the house outside and in
and caught a project in in its grasp
tightly enough to make Jane gasp,
"Okay, next time I will work on linen."

The floss monster threw thread to the wind
and against the onslaught Jane must defend
not only protecting house, hearth, and home
but encouraging floss bobbins never to roam
and the terrible mess there to mend.

From: djs@efn.org (D. Shaidell)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: I Was Attacked by Flying Floss!!
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 20:41:02 -0800
Organization: Oregon Public Networking

OK Tara. I'm someone. For Jane Cohen:

There once was a stitcher named Janie
Who left all her floss in the rainy
so her bobbins took flight.
Said Jane "What a sight,
But cleaning this mess is a painy!"

Sorry, Tara but you did ask for it.

Nancy S.
Oregon

From: joxley@ih4gp340.att.com (Jody Oxley)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Another Flying Floss Limerick
Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 1995 17:20:35 GMT

I know this is getting to be an old thread, but please forgive me since I've been away--it's relatively new to me!

Janie C. was awakened one day
By the sound of a terrible fray
Hit by floss flying round
Janie quick hit the ground
Lest she get tangled in the foray

And here's another unrelated limerick--

A stitcher was working her floss
When she suddenly got very cross
She picked out and ripped
Then she totally flipped
Her time stitching was nothing but loss!

(I hate when that happens)


From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: HELP! MY HUSBAND IS MISSING! Limerick
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 21:51:54 GMT

My husband is missing and I'm in a dither
He's missing clean socks and a country cooked dinner
He's missed a game and a homerun momento
when I dragged him off to SoX Sacramento
He's missong and likes it, I think he's a winner. Phoebe Carroll

From: r.i.powell@rl.ac.uk (Rosemary Powell)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: HELP!! I'VE *FOUND* MY HUSBAND! Was: Re: HELP! MY HUSBAND IS MISSING! Limerick
Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 08:53:22
Organization: DRAL

Well now he's found - I searched and searched and searched, because he had the cheque book you realise! He was hiding in the garage under a great mound of wood shavings, probably to avoid being hit by flying floss... Maybe if I could just sneak the cheque book out of his pocket?

My husband Harry had a great yearning
To become an expert at ornamental wood turning!
And so the house
Is as quiet as a mouse -
He's in the garage with his lathe, busily learning.

Seriously though, he took up his woodturning hobby when he retired and has had the 'spend' of a lifetime on his lathes and tools. Yes! He has two lathes, one to do his wood work on, the other a metal lathe to make tools for the woodwork lathe to enable him,to do the ornamental turning he's learning about. Its fascinating, I love wood and if I go shopping with him to any place that sells wood pieces, its amost as bad as being in a needlwork shop!!

I hope he will turn me some of the round wooden trinket boxes so I can cross stitch the lids.


From: anjp@orion.alaska.edu
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: More Limericks
Date: 11 Jul 95 13:21:37 AST
Organization: University of Alaska

Okay, I too have caught the limerick bug, so here goes one about me.

There is a stitcher named Pearce,
Disrupt her stitching and she's fierce.
To keep her calm and content,
Make sure her needles aren't bent,
And no knotted threads, she might curse !!!

Janice Pearce -- Anchorage, Alaska


From: anjp@orion.alaska.edu
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Limerics
Date: 11 Jul 95 15:36:23 AST
Organization: University of Alaska

Here I am diligently working, and another Limeric pops into my head, (is this a disease or something).....Since it seems a little risque, I ran it through some co-workers, and they laughed and said "Oh, yes, post it." so here goes...

There is a stitcher from Alaska,
Who wants to stitch a little fasta',
She has so many projects in waiting,
It leaves her no time for mating,
And believe me that can be a disasta'.

Janice -- from Alaska (obviously)....


From: Lucinda Rasmussen (lrasmuss@pica.army.mil)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Another limeric?
Organization: US Army
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 14:15:29 GMT

Here's my try at rhyming. Note: Pronounce "pictures" like "pitchers" and it all does rhyme. :-)

Lucinda the ambitious stitcher
would certainly be alot richer
If she spent much less cash
on building her stash
Of patterns for cross-stitching pictures


From: werpetin@risky.ecs.umass.edu (Katrina Werpetinski)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Limerick
Date: 12 Jul 1995 19:37:34 GMT
Organization: I'm *not* organized...that's the problem

There once was a gal from New Mexico,
Who crossstitched designs so complex, you know,
She'd tweed and she'd blend,
Add the beads at the end,
Then toss it aside with, "What's next to go?"


From: werpetin@risky.ecs.umass.edu (Katrina Werpetinski)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Limerick
Date: 13 Jul 1995 13:21:05 GMT
Organization: I'm *not* organized...that's the problem

I tried to fight it off this time around, I really did, but it's just contagious....

[NB: Yes, "stewardess" is unPC, but "flight attendant" just doesn't have the right meter]
While stitching away on the plane,
I caused my poor stewardess some pain,
Needle and leg they did meet,
As she walked by my seat,
Now who's to say I'm really to blame?

Here's a tale that might make you smile,
'Bout a stitcher I'll refer to as Kyle,
He was working away,
On his friend's wedding day,
And poked the bride as she came down the aisle!

[NB: pronounce 107 as one-oh-seven]
There was an old man name of Kevin,
Still stitching at age 107,
'Til one day life ended,
His heart couldn't be mended,
So now he's up stitching in Heaven.

[NB: Reading really does rhyme with wedding]
There was a young lady from Reading,
Who was stitching a gift for a wedding,
The x'es are done,
As is all the fun,
Cuz now it's all backstitch she's dreading.


From: jennieb@inthis.badgers.demon.co.uk (Jennie Brock)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Limerick Fever
Date: 13 Jul 1995 18:37:07 GMT
Organization: The Badgers' Apollo Retirement Home

There was a young stitcher from B'rum (it's Rugby really, but it doesn't rhyme!)
Who was always happy, not glum,
Until came the day,
She was stitching away
And her needle went right through her thumb!!

Jennie.

--
e-mail: jennieb@badgers.demon.co.uk


From: jennieb@inthis.badgers.demon.co.uk (Jennie Brock)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Limerick
Date: 14 Jul 1995 07:40:57 GMT
Organization: The Badgers' Apollo Retirement Home

Oh dear, here comes another one!

There was a poor hubby named Joe
Who's wife liked to just sit and sew.
One day he got tough
And said, "That's enough!"
So then the poor chap had to go!!

Jennie.

PS It's almost as addictive as x-stitching!

--
e-mail: jennieb@badgers.demon.co.uk


From: werpetin@risky.ecs.umass.edu (Katrina Werpetinski)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Limerick
Date: 14 Jul 1995 22:01:07 GMT
Organization: I'm *not* organized...that's the problem

It's time to be getting to bed,
But these limericks won't leave my head,
It happens each night,
When I turn out the light,
So now I jot them all down on the spread.


From: werpetin@risky.ecs.umass.edu (Katrina Werpetinski)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Limerick
Date: 14 Jul 1995 23:58:42 GMT
Organization: I'm *not* organized...that's the problem

I've done all I can to nudge it,
But I'm simply not able to budge it,
The cat on my chart,
Just won't depart,
Oh well, I guess I'll just fudge it.

I got the ultimate compliment this afternoon; My limericking got compared to Kathy Dyer. :-)

Katrina
werpetin@kira.ecs.umass.edu


From: werpetin@risky.ecs.umass.edu (Katrina Werpetinski)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Limerick
Date: 17 Jul 1995 14:26:46 GMT
Organization: I'm *not* organized...that's the problem

This one's a little morbid, but oh well... :-)

Jill said, "Someday, you know, everyone dies."
"When I go I'll keep my stitching supplies."
She said to her kin,
"Just toss things right in,"
"You'll need a coffin of incredible size."


From: ksl750@aol.com (KSL750)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: A Bad limmerick and a question
Date: 17 Jul 1995 20:37:24 -0400
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)

There is a lurker named Gail
Who's DH insists she E-mail,
She can't post at will
He's shocked by the bill,
Think she'll kill him and just stitch in jail.

You are a GREAT group to read "off-line"! I'm on AOL, using Way To Go to download all the posts. Any suggestion how to post and add my 2 cents worth for all to see?

I'm sneaking this in while he's out of town <g>. Like I don't pay the phone bill anyway - hah!

Oh, method of killing? Strangulation by floss, of course.

Gail Ettinger


From: di@stat.tamu.edu (Di Michelson)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Limerick Fever
Date: 18 Jul 1995 17:01:57 GMT
Organization: Dept. of Statistics, Texas A&M University (KNOT!)

In article <3udg0q$p9k@board.badgers.demon.co.uk>, Jennie Brock <jennieb@badgers.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>In article <597433251wnr@dozyrosy.demon.co.uk>, "Rosemary I.H. Powell" <Rosemary@dozyrosy.demon.co.uk> writes:
>|> OUCH!! I hope that this really didn't happen! It did to my granmother once
>|> though, she put the sewing machine needle right through her finger as a
>|> young woman; she used to show me the scar to warn me to be careful!!
>
> Funny that, my grandmother did the very same thing!!

Aha! I sense a conspiracy!

Our grandmothers tried to trick us
with scars they said were from stitches
if we only knew
their scars were not true
and were applied with paints and brushes.

(now, I don't really believe my limerick, but my parents have tricked me enough that I don't feel too bad for writing it)

--Di
di@picard.tamu.edu


From: salleykat@aol.com (Salley Kat)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Limerick
Date: 18 Jul 1995 23:01:28 -0400
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)

This is my first Limerick but it looked like such fun that I had to give it a try:

There once was a loving DH named Bill
Who loved his wife until
She discovered the computer age
And a group where stitchin' the rage
From there it was all downhill !!

All through the night she read
As he wandered off to bed
Such ideas she did find
If only there was enough time
To do all the things in her head

He threw up his hands with a sigh
Over all the floss & charts she did buy
All the checks were gone
For his money, he did long
But all he could do was cry!

Hope it wasn't too awful! : - )

Salley

************************************************************
"We better split up"
"Good idea, we can do more damage that way."
Dan Akroyd to Bill Murray in Ghostbusters

************************************************************


From: werpetin@risky.ecs.umass.edu (Katrina Werpetinski)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Limerick
Date: 20 Jul 1995 14:12:06 GMT
Organization: I'm *not* organized...that's the problem

[Choose your favorite pronunciation for the last line]

There's a fabric spelled A-I-D-A,
That none of us knew how to say,
So we asked our sales clerk,
'Bout this verbal quirk,
She said, "Buy linen, throw that aida away."

Katrina

Disclaimer: The view expressed in the last line of this limerick is not mine. Names have been withheld to protect the guilty. :-)


From: we771@freenet.Victoria.BC.CA (Thea Dueck)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: first limerick
Organization: Victoria Freenet Association
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 03:54:25 GMT

There was a pale woman from Bangor
Who loved wearing robes of Hardanger
She stitched white on white
Till she faded from sight...
All that was left was a hanger.

I have never ever ever made up a limerick before, and envied all who could, especially Kathy and Jennie. Please forgive this feeble attempt at making you groan...

Thea
;)


From: marbeth@ix.netcom.com (Martha Beth Lewis)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Scroll Bars Question--technical terms
Date: 21 Jul 1995 06:26:33 GMT
Organization: Netcom

In <3ulvkh$ahp@crl9.crl.com> kdyer@crl.com (Kathleen Dyer) writes:
>MLynd (mlynd@aol.com) wrote:
>> My question is what do you do when the snappie-on-ies start to loosen up?
>
>I haven't tried this, but awhile back someone mentioned that if one
>put the Q-snaps, complete with snappie-on-ies, into warm water for
>awhile they would tighten back up.
>
>Kathy

Thanks for the help here, KD.
Your memory's much better, I see.
I'm nearly fifty.
She's still quite nifty.
She also knows lots more than me.

Woops! Sorry! This just popped out! Martha Beth

(Sorry about that personal pronoun's being wrong, Mama.)


From: hajer@aol.com (Hajer)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Limerick bug bites Husband.
Date: 21 Jul 1995 03:12:01 -0400
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)

I went looking for my wife just the other night,
when I found both her AND the stitching, out of sight.
She had discovered I.R. Chat
and that's where she sat,
typing and then stitching till morning's light.

The next morn at work she was tired.
Just last night she SURE seemed wired,
typing as fast as she could
when sleeping she should.
It's no wonder she doesn't get fired.

On IRC she heard of a GREAT book.
She bought it and my money she took.
If I EVER get on line,
I think I'll have to find,
this leader they all call skyhook.

Haji's Husband.


From: mickifox@aldhfn.aldhfn.org (M. Fox)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: IRC limerick from husband.
Organization: Auldhaefen Associates - Internet access - 216-745-9380 (voice)
Date: Fri, 21 Jul 1995 01:38:19 GMT

Not to be outdone, here's something from another husband:

A stitcher from Copley, Ohio,
Who read the WHOLE FAQ, me-oh, my-oh,
Bought all she could get,
Everywhere on the net,
And charged all her cards to the sky-oh.

Her dashing young husband named Bill,
Found there was no cash in the till.
He felt quite ballistic,
but stayed realistic,
"I'll get to the bottom, I will!"

His temperature started to mount,
'Till he learned the whole trouble's real fount.
Although he was sad,
He couldn't be mad,
For 'twas he who got her the account.

Bill Fox (using my wife's account)
(as if I really need her account)
(and now I wish I had never gotten her hooked up with you guys!)
(but this is better than many other possible vices)


From: jennieb@badgers.demon.co.uk (Jennie Brock)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Limerick - again!
Date: 21 Jul 1995 10:56:54 GMT
Organization: The Badgers' Apollo Retirement Home

Please excuse the VERY indirect reference to needlework!

Did you ever ask yourself how
When a bird sits asleep on a bough
It keeps itself up
Without any rope?
Well perhaps you should enquire of the cow!!

Jennie.
--
e-mail: jennieb@badgers.demon.co.uk


From: jennieb@inthis.badgers.demon.co.uk (Jennie Brock)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Poem and limerick
Date: 22 Jul 1995 13:51:06 GMT
Organization: The Badgers' Apollo Retirement Home

Pets for pleasure are lots of fun,
Always there when the day's work's done.
Waiting their turn for a little fuss,
Never too much to ask of us.
Always loving - usually gentle,
They don't care if we're a bit mental!

When trying to sleep in my bed,
These limericks come into my head,
They won't go away
Until the next day
When I send them to you on the net!

Jennie (see next post!)
--
e-mail: jennieb@badgers.demon.co.uk


From: "Rosemary I.H. Powell" >Rosemary@dozyrosy.demon.co.uk>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Needlepoint conversion chart (revision):PLEASE RE_POST!!!
Date: Sat, 22 Jul 1995 00:00:10 GMT
Organization: None

Oh! OH!!! *O*H*!!! I missed the original post? I am a sucker for conversion charts - I collect them like stitching charts - please would Mark or somebody re-post?? Or will it be in the FAQ, I guess if it is Mark it is wool not floss conversions? (Even better). I am in the (permanent) process of making a universal conversion database, but every time I think that's it, I've finished - I find more! - But one day I will have it finished and will post it to the group or to Kathy for the FAQ. I promise.

Rosemary is a sucker for conversion charts
She collects them by the load in carts (well cart loads doesn't rhyme)
Her husband says if she puts any more
All over the floor
Either they must GO - or else HE departs!

(Probably back to the garage under his pile of wood shavings)

=================================================================
Rosemary E-Mail to:
Home: Rosemary@dozyrosy.demon.co.uk
Work: R.I.Powell@rl.ac.uk
=================================================================


From: "Rosemary I.H. Powell" <Rosemary@dozyrosy.demon.co.uk>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Oh NO!! Not more limericks....
Date: Sat, 22 Jul 1995 19:07:17 GMT
Organization: None

More for the limerick-aholics:
Did these this morning instead of the washing!!

There once was a lass who thought she would burst
If composing her limericks couldn't come first...
Her verses she'd write
All day and all night,
While her poor husband and children all cursed!

Oh these limericks all come into my head
While I'm at work and when I'm in bed!
I'll pout and I'll frown
Till they're all writ down.
I don't think I can stop till I'm dead!!!

This one is for Donna:
There once was a smart cockateil
To whom gold thread did appeal
He'd cajole and wheedle
Till he got his own needle
So he could start stitching for real!!

This one is for ME:
Theer once wsa a woman hwo aimed ot master
Tpying at hre keybroad faster
But hre flingers would fy
To teh lettres nearby
Adn her effrots would all end in isdaster!

=================================================================
Rosemary who sometimes signs herself (and has been known at work as)
RoseAmry
E-Mail to:
Home: Rosemary@dozyrosy.demon.co.uk
Work: R.I.Powell@rl.ac.uk
=================================================================


From: ad231@freenet.unbc.edu (Doug Fry)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Limericks...more
Date: 23 Jul 1995 17:57:39 -0700
Organization: P.G. Free-Net Association

There once was a sticher from Redd
Who stiched everything in her head
She would ladder and rail
Just so! with out fail
Every place but _her_ water bed.

Poetic licence= ladder and rail.

There once was a sticher from Ott
Who always was deeply in thought
His needles and thread
Were all in his head
He did it all perfectly -Not.

Doug Fry Prince George, BC, Canada
ad231@freenet.unbc.edu


From: kdyer@crl.com (Kathleen Dyer)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching peeves
Date: 26 Jul 1995 09:54:20 -0700
Organization: CRL

Anne OMalley (bt176@FreeNet.Carleton.CA) wrote:
> Hey Kathy, when you twitch while doing the whip stitch, does it become the
> witch stitch? Or do you have to invoke stitch witchery at that point?
> Anne in Canada, hiding in the basement to avoid heat, whose mind has
> clearly gone!

A woman, while trying to stitch,
Found her fingers insisting to twitch,
So she took a small break,
And ate Black Forest cake,
And now she can stitch with no hitch.

Kathy


From: balbes@osiris.rti.org (Lisa M. Balbes)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: How many patterns do YOU have?
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 95 11:48:56 GMT
Organization: Osiris Consultants

I have one file cabinet full (2 drawers, each about 2 feet deep). Top drawer is patterns, loosely arranged by subject. Bottom drawer is needlework catalogs and magazines. I have almost a drawer full of magazines, but have never had a subscription. Of course, those are the "to be done someday" and "already did that" patterns. The 8 in progress projects and the "gotta do this next" pile (another 6" stack) are in my sewing bag and on top of the filing cabinet.

There once was a stitcher so sad,
Because patterns she had just a tad.
So she went to the store,
and bought hundreds more,
And the store clerk responded "E-gad!".

So home with her projects she went,
Now that all of her money was spent,
She stitched happ'ly away,
for the rest of the day,
'Til the landlord came for the rent.

Now the landlord wants to evict
Which is really getting her ticked
She said "I am sewing,
And so I'm not going."
But no judge would agree and she's licked.

At the door she met them with mace,
To protect all her ribbons and lace.
They did not agree
She would not go free
She went to a not-so-fine place.

While in jail then the poor lady had
An idea that did then make her glad
She atoned for her sins
With needles and pins
Making gifts for the men who'd done bad.

Her needlework was so exquisite
The men all did say "Oh, what is it?"
They were so impressed,
They forgot all the rest,
She's home now with netters to visit.

Lisa (with help from Mark)

*** We don't care, we have each other, on the Internet. (Dave Barry) ***

Lisa M. Balbes, Ph.D. Osiris Consultants balbes@osiris.rti.org
Support Services for Scientific Software Developers
9961 Darrow Park Drive Suite 118D Twinsburg OH 44087 (216) 425-7398


From: Tanista <sfsle@teleport.com>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Limericks
Date: 29 Jul 1995 06:34:20 GMT
Organization: Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016

Alright, here's my contribution to the cause:

A very good friend from Newport
Once found herself stranded at the airport.
But instead of bitchin'
She got out her stitchin'
And said, "I'm not gonna be a poor sport."

So what do you think? Not bad for a beginner, eh?

-Tanista, a mostly-lurker


From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: beards
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Mon, 31 Jul 1995 05:46:28 GMT

For quick recognition nothing can compare
with well grown, well groomed facial hair
SO if he should shave
I would think him a knave
and to his furrier brethren repair. Phoebe Carroll (Lane last shaved Thanksgiving 1968)


From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Beyond bag balm: fingernails!
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 1995 15:03:56 GMT

In article <409ce6$nh5@news1.delphi.com>, KELLIECASS@delphi.com says...
> > N Now that we know about bag balm and lemon juice, I need help
> Er what do we know about bag balm and lemon juice?
> I'm dying to know!
> Thankyou.
> Kellie

Now Kelly don't get in a stew
We'll tell you just what to do
Scrub your hands with the lemon
then wash 'em and rinse 'em
The bag balm then softens 'em too.

In the days before alpha hydrozy
our grandmas used fruit juice by proxy
It helped slough off the dead skin
without doing the till in.
Now tell me those gals had no moxie!


From: panzar@clpgh.org (Robin Panza)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Handeze Craft Gloves & home-made coldpack
Date: 11 Aug 95 17:55:29 -5
Organization: Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh

Martha Beth Lewis (marbeth@ix.netcom.com) wrote:
> You can buy a coldpack thingus (not to be confused with snappie-onie
> thingies), but you can also use a 20-oz plastic bag of frozen peas just
> as easily (or peas and carrots for those who do not care for
> monochromatic color schemes or for the non-Irish). Give it a
> whack--the frozen veggies, not the Irish--on the floor---oh drat!!
> WHACK the darn veggies ON the floor!---so they're all separated (the
> veggies--I am -not- advocating large-scale Irish divorces). Still with
> me? (I'm not sure -I'm- still with me....) Anyway, wrap the
> now-separated peas--IN the bag, yes--around your arm.
>
> Oh &(*)#$^#$*()#_~@! I guess it's late....
> Martha Beth, who has been known to read the NG at 3 am

An email post of Martha B's
on giving wrist tendons some ease
she explained with great force
about Irish divorce,
and she does it by pounding on peas.

Will that do? Robin P.


From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Original verse
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 23:39:37 GMT

I wrote this verse and want to work it into something --maybe a sampler?

THought I would share it with you all:

Uncommon Threads

My grandma learned stitches at her mothers knee.
She taught my mother, who taught them to me.
I taught my daughter and some of her friends.
They'll teach their children and so never ends
The thread binding beauty, skill, and ambition
Pulled by a needle through even weave linen.

----Hope it makes you smile. The connection our art has to history is one of its major attractions for me. --Phoebe Carroll


From: "Rosemary I.H. Powell" <Rosemary@dozyrosy.demon.co.uk>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Verse or Worse!
Date: Sat, 22 Jul 1995 00:49:15 GMT
Organization: None

I thought that, as there is a current thread on cross stitch programs, this might be appropriate: I wrote it recently for my cross stitch program user group magazine; I have crossed (pardon the pun) out their name to to protect: the innocent/ the wicked/ their competitors/ myself from being accused of advertising/or whatever. :-)

An Ode to an XX-XX X-Stitch Designer

Here's health to our XX-XX Xstitch Designer:
By her computer you'll always find her!
Designing with graph paper was such a pain
She vowed she'd never do it that way again!

But:-'Computing's so hard' she says as she grapples
With volatile RAMs and bytes and Apples,
And firm floppy disks and ware that is hard,
And graphics that for some reason come on a card!
And working in Windows, and dragging poor mice -
(Surely this practice is really not nice?) -
Then there's desktops with icons, and programs in C,
'Oh this drat computer jargon is all Greek to me!'
And, finally she knows that she'll get
All tangled up in that vast Internet!

But, now never more will she stand alone,
As she works away merrily on her new PC clone....
For this clever stitcher so brave and so bold
Has bought XX-XX's package Xstitch Designer Gold!
And now she finds once she has begun
Computing can really be so much fun!

So she cuts and she pastes, she rotates and she flips,
As around the cross stitch grid she scrolls and she skips
Charting her designs in bright colours by Anchor.
But just for a micro second, she'll pause to thank her
Many XX-XX friends in Weavers Court
For this great package that she's bought,
And Ian and Martin, those two who've designed
The craftiest software you'll ever find!

=================================================================
Rosemary E-Mail to:
Home: Rosemary@dozyrosy.demon.co.uk
Work: R.I.Powell@rl.ac.uk
=================================================================


From: Kaye-Alan Barley <kaye.barley@aerospace.gatech.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: My first poem (kinda long and not very good)
Date: 18 Aug 1995 20:03:19 GMT
Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology

Well finally did it. Here's my first poem. I know it stinks, but I had so much fun doing it - please don't be too hard on me!

Hooray, hooray - it's Friday and the boss is away!
Oh my, however shall I spend my day?

To really work would be such a sin -
I know - I'll check in with r.c.t.n.!

This will be fun, I'm willing to bet,
'Cause they're the nicest group on the net.

Yep, I was right - just look what I've found,
New topics and interesting stories abound.

We have a new Michael's thread - but wait!
It's not what you think! It's a Michael's you just can't hate!

Her name is Barbara and she writes just swell,
But we think she knows lots about textiles as well.

Let's see, what else have we here?
What!? A new shop? And it's very , very near?

Oh dear!

Will I find Marilyn's angels? Or P. Buckley Moss? How about Thea?
Or sweet Paula Vaughn?

Will they have samples hanging which will show
the threads drawn?

Will there be fabric to fondle and fibers to fascinate?

Will their hours be flexible? Will they stay open late?

Enough about this - let's move right along,
There's lots more here - I'm sure I'm not wrong.

Kathy is keeping us up to date on the quilt,
'Cause she knows if she doesn't, we'll toss on the guilt!

Someone's DH, sweetheart that he surely is, bought her a new gazelle,
How does she tell him "you misunderstood - not another animal! Oh hell!"

Well, it seems I've killed my morning here catching up on everyone's news
-
Everyone's going to a Festival 'cept me, which gives me the boo hoos.

Oh oh! Lunch time! Better get off my tush -
Gotta go work on my new Shepherd's Bush!

Have a great weekend! Happy Stitchin'!
Kaye-Alan


RCTN plans (in rhyme) a virtual stitching vacation --KMD

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: a stitching vacation!
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 03:50:58 GMT

Martha Beth wants a stitching vacation
but she won't leave her own stitching station
but a gremlin and elf
will be helping herself
stave off the pangs of starvation.

She'll stitch and she'll live as she pleases
not minding her families needses
she'll keep the temperature cool;
Martha Beth ain't no fool
She chill it until linen freezes.

Oh you all are a bad influence on me. Phoebe Carroll

From: marbeth@ix.netcom.com (Martha Beth Lewis)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise/limerick
Date: 26 Jul 1995 06:43:03 GMT
Organization: Netcom

Have you heard the incredible news?
We cross-stitchers are taking a cruise!
We'll put up our feet.
We'll stitch and we'll eat.
And we'll never take time for a snooze.

Martha Beth

From: mcoss@cix.compulink.co.uk ("Melinda Coss")
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Organization: Compulink Information eXchange
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 1995 06:50:45 GMT

> Oh! Oh! Me! Me! I'll co-teach that one! (Katrina! Melinda! Want
> to co-teach a class with me?)
>
> Kathy

Kathy, I think we should think carefully about this... I mean, seriously, how are we going to keep control over this lot:

Three Limerick teachers unite
To help stitchers in serious plight,
We teach them to rhyme
They get it first time
Then we're thrown overboard in the night.

Stitchers with chocolate and floss
Learnt limericks from Dyer and Coss (sorry Katrina you wouldn't fit in with the meter).
When the ocean got rough,
They'd all had enough
And we both ended up at a loss.

From: bt176@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Anne OMalley)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise/limerick
Organization: The National Capital FreeNet
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 1995 11:00:30 GMT

I can't wait to go
Although my SO
Is horrified just at the thought
He's collapsed in his chair
Turned pale to his hair
At the thought at what all I'll have bought!

I can't believe I've written this...my first limerick in many years...but my name is O'Malley, so I guess it was inevitable!

Anne in Canada

From: cbl01@aol.com (CBL01)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Packrat Support Division
Date: 26 Jul 1995 12:14:39 -0400
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)

A group of Packrats on a trip
Sewing as the boat began to dip
They grabbed all their stuff
And ran off in a huff
The Packrats deserted the ship!

A limmerick from your PSD co-leader....

Candace

****************************************************************
"Of course that just *my* opinion . . . I could be wrong" --Dennis Miller
*****************************************************************

From: cbl01@aol.com (CBL01)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Packrat Support Division--another bad limerick
Date: 26 Jul 1995 13:00:19 -0400
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)

Packrats on a cruise went shopping
As Tara and Candace kept them hopping
Each filled up her tote
From stores on the boat
And then carried the goods without dropping.

HELP! I started and I can't stop!!!!

Candace

****************************************************************
"Of course that just *my* opinion . . . I could be wrong" --Dennis Miller
*****************************************************************

From: stevegeo@ix.netcom.com (Stephan A. George )
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise/limerick
Date: 26 Jul 1995 20:08:54 GMT
Organization: Netcom

Yes, Martha Beth! Can I join you? Your limerick has inspired me...

With floss and fabric galore
We'll only take time to say "MORE!"
In our projects we're wrapped in
So we'll plead for the captain
To never head for the shore.

Cheryl (using her husband's account)

From: cawaldo@aol.com (CAWaldo)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Stitching Disorder Cruise Limerick--Oh no!
Date: 27 Jul 1995 10:13:38 -0400
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)

One day I signed on to the Net
A few laughs and giggles to get
Instead saw the news
About this great cruise
One more suitcase, and I'll be all set.

We stitchers are all a great lot
Never lying 'bout how much we've got
But some projects we hide
Until we decide
To toss them, or else they'll just rot!

The cruise sure inspired this group
We're all grabbing needle and hoop
We've all got great plans
To work on our tans
Til our eyelids and fingers just droop!

Now Kathy is teaching a class
A poetry-type is this lass
But she sure knows her way
Round the Info Highway
Lim'ricks soon could reach critical mass!

Seems we're all always trying to diet
Martha Beth knows we all plan to try it
So while on this cruise
We all hope to lose
But that chocolate-oh heck, don't deny it!

I promised my DH I'd save
And while on this cruise I'd behave
I've said I won't shop
So don't worry, I'll stop
Or he'll banish me off to some cave!

Now that's the best thought that I've had!
If I let myself be very bad
To this cave I will go
With projects in tow
And keep stitching, 'til I go quite mad!

Never happen, you probably say
I'm sure it won't happen that way
Her hubby would miss
Just a hug and a kiss
It's the stitching that must stay away!

Now you know that I must be more fair
To my guy with blue eyes and dark hair
For now he stitches too
Just like me and like you
So this cruise trip we'll probably share!

Chris

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 1995 05:57:10 GMT

The cyber canvas is a gossamer web
woven from Robert's dear head
and will each take a place
to stitch up cyberspace
In nondemensional cyberspace thread. --Phoebe Carroll

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Tue, 1 Aug 1995 21:24:44 GMT

In article <DCMDxp.ICu@cix.compulink.co.uk>, mcoss@cix.compulink.co.uk
says...
>
>> The cyber canvas is a gossamer web
>> woven from Robert's dear head
>> and will each take a place
>> to stitch up cyberspace
>> In nondemensional cyberspace thread. --Phoebe Carroll
>>
>
>You sure about that Phoebe? I always thought Robert was an airhead..
>(Sorry Robert just being my usual inoffensive self).
>Melinda

No, Melinda, his head is not air.
I think it may even support a few hairs
His head is a tangle of internet web
from whence came our canvas, just as I said.
Then, he leaves it to us to stitch as we will
before and during our cruise, or maybe until.

When we tire of limericks shall we try sonnets?

Hey guys, I started cruisin' already. I've been cruising Michael's and all our local stitching shops. I even cruised a few catalogs this weekend. --Phoebe Carroll

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 00:18:47 GMT

In article <DCI2so.HLy@cix.compulink.co.uk>, rtusler@cix.compulink.co.uk
says...
>
>I think I'd better come too, to see fair play. Just imagine being
>surounded by limerick obsessed women! I used to be a navigator, so
>could keep an eye on the crew to make certain that we never actually get
>anywhere before the UFOs are all completed.
>
>Robert

Hey, I heard wonderful news!
Robert can come on our cruise.
HE'll stitch all day
and keep us away
from ports we could actually use. tee hee --Phoebe Carroll

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 00:22:34 GMT

In article <3vlnm4$93i@helios.vanderbilt.edu>,
GRINERLA@ctrvax.Vanderbilt.Edu says...
>
>In <3v8v3q$cp4@crl9.crl.com> kdyer@crl.com writes:
>
>> Melinda Coss (mcoss@cix.compulink.co.uk) wrote:
>> > "Internet?" errr is that some kind of new canvaswork stitch?
>> > Melinda
>>
>> Oh, I like it. What would an Internet stitch look like? It would have
>> to be big and random looking with lots of sticky-outy parts.
>> Kathy
>
>"sticky-outy parts" ??? Is this yet another technical term I have to
>master? Related to "snappie-onnie thingies?" Can you use snappie-onnies
>to control sticky-outies? (Or should that be snappies-on and stickies-out?)
>--Laura, confused in Music City

Laura has a literal bent
can't quite get what jargon has meant.
Her technical terms
have her quite infirm.
She can't imagine where the onnie-outies all went.

From: nadyacat@swcp.com (Nadya)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Disorder Cruise Limerick--Oh no!
Date: Tue, 01 Aug 1995 21:29:23 -0600
Organization: Not enough, really

Now on that fine cruise I can't go
For I'm planning on spending my dough
With Jeannine in Sacto
Next month ipso facto:
We're planning on doing the show!

Nadya, whose SOCS registration went in the fed ex with Jeannine's today!

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 19:13:17 GMT

In article <DCnLwz.28q@cix.compulink.co.uk>, rtusler@cix.compulink.co.uk
says...
>
>> > The cyber canvas is a gossamer web
>> > woven from Robert's dear head
>> > and will each take a place
>> > to stitch up cyberspace
>> > In nondemensional cyberspace thread. --Phoebe Carroll
>> >
>>
>> You sure about that Phoebe? I always thought Robert was an
>> airhead..
>> (Sorry Robert just being my usual inoffensive self).
>> Melinda
>
>Who is Melinda, what is she, that all her swains commend, her?
>
>What's an airhead, anyway. Phoebe, will you have dinner with me?
>
>Robert

Thank you Robert, but no
The UK is just too far to go
I can get in enough dutch
at home not doing much
and my big guy would miss me so.

I really do value the thought
but dinner, I'd better not.
My sweet husband turns to a demon
when I don't feed him
and that sure could thicken the plot. --Phoebe Carroll

From: SEH America Inc <seh_a@delphi.com>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 95 18:24:44 -0500
Organization: Delphi (info@delphi.com email, 800-695-4005 voice)

Phoebe Carroll <pcarroll@theborg.cts.com> writes:

>Thank you Robert, but no
>The UK is just too far to go
>I can get in enough dutch
>at home not doing much
>and my big guy would miss me so.

Ok, you guys are having *way* too much fun.

>I really do value the thought
>but dinner, I'd better not.
>My sweet husband turns to a demon
>when I don't feed him
>and that sure could thicken the plot. --Phoebe Carroll

So, PMFJI, but I just have to give this limerick business a try.

Dear Robert asked Phoebe to dine,
but he never did specify time,
Since he wasn't too clear
She has nothing to fear,
'cept her husband who maybe *does* mind!

Well, it is just a first time effort . . .

Debi

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 04:25:13 GMT

In article <DCp4tK.Bx3@cix.compulink.co.uk>, rtusler@cix.compulink.co.uk
says...
>
>> A I R H E A D: Someone who asks Phoebe to dinner only
>> AFTER she calls him 'a dear'.
>>
>> S W A I N: Mild mannered country gentleman who
>> enjoys good needlework books.
>
>Whee, the claws begin to come out. I'm glad that this cruise is to be a
>virtual one. Otherwise it would be too dangerous for a simple sailor
>like me.
>
>I should explain that I did not ask Melinda to dinner, but only offered
>ber a cup of tea. And this was before she called me a bodger.
>
>R

Does a virtual cruise mean virtual dinner?
I can eat up and still end up thinner?
After careful parusal
I may rethink my refusal
How can I not come up the winner? PC

From: mcoss@cix.compulink.co.uk ("Melinda Coss")
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Organization: Compulink Information eXchange
Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 13:34:32 GMT

I suspect it will be a Big Mac
Which isn't the slimmiest snack
A virtual meal
Has much more appeal
But I fear you are on the wrong track.

M.

From: pcarroll@theborg.cts.com (Phoebe Carroll)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stitching Addiction Disorder/cruise
Organization: CTS Network Services (CTSNET), San Diego, CA
Date: Mon, 7 Aug 1995 00:58:40 GMT

I was thinking of virtual Filet,
which I would accept any day
IF I have your word,
I know it's absurd,
that the the calories would all go away.
P


Copyright © 1994-2005 Kathleen Dyer
All Rights Reserved.
Last modified: Sun, Mar 20, 2005