Stories, Commentaries, and Jokes

NOTE: All poems, songs, limericks, jokes, puzzles and stories contained in these archives are COPYRIGHTED to the original author. In most cases, the original author is the person who wrote the post.

Some of these posts were edited down from longer posts made to RCTN.


From: monique@bio.tamu.edu (Monique Reed)
Subject: Re: Where does floss come from?
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework

Floss is spun from the silk of very special spiders. Only the Floss Fairies know how to find the spiders, gather the silk, and twist it up into the lovely floss we buy and wonder so little about. Employees of the various floss companies have to go out very early in the morning to gather the skeins from the countryside. ("Mercerized" means that the floss was wet with dew and had to be dried--this results in a smoother floss.) The spiders spin colored floss silk because they live on beautifully colored flowers and bark and rocks and such (don't *ask* me where that screaming electric blue comes from!)

If you have heard that DMC has slightly changed some of their colors in response to environmental concerns, that's true. Some species of floss silk spiders were becoming endangered, so the international Floss Fairy community decided it was best not to disturb them and began to use the silk from other species. In case you are wondering how the spiders survive if the Floss Fairies keep taking their silk, well, I believe that the Fairies hand-carry little flies and gnats to them. All of this has only been discovered in recent years, which is why fairy designs have suddenly become so popular, though Cicely Barker has always known what the fairies look like. (Spider designs are not so popular, because those eight skinny legs mean so much backstitching).

Oddly enough, this also answers the question of "grain" or direction in floss. Use the floss in the same direction that it came out of the spider.

So, daughters, if you want to ensure a good supply of lovely floss to work with, remember to always offer a silent thanks to the Floss Fairies, don't pick too many wildflowers (and maybe plant some yourself, to keep the spiders and fairies happy...), and and be kind to spiders.

P.S. Colored wool comes from very special sheep....

Monique Reed


Cow magnets are large magnets fed into cows' stomachs so that any metal they eat is caught by the magnet. Some needleworkers like to keep a cow magnet around to help find needles that have disappeared into sofas and carpeting. --KMD

From: Kathy Dyer <kdyer@shell.wco.com>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: COW MAGNETS/ORVUS
Date: 27 Nov 1997 02:01:01 GMT
Organization: WCO

Elaine Baeza <bbaeza@ibm.net> wrote:
> Please tell me what a cow magnet is used for -- other than picking up
> needles? I mean what do cows do with it? :)

Cattle have been domesticated for so long that they have lost the natural herding instinct. The farmers and ranchers have found that by feeding each cow a cow magnet, the strong magnetic fields force the cattle to clump together in herds.

There can be some unfortunate side effects with the procedure, however. The magnet must be inserted with the correct side up, otherwise the negative pole interacts to actually push the cow *away* from the rest of the herd.

The magnets also cause the cattle to be attracted to the sides of the fields where the metal fences are. This may result in overgrazing of the edges of the fields, and neglect of the center areas. To combat this tendency, some farmers place a series of metal poles in the centers of their fields, thus evening out the grazing distribution.

The farmers and ranchers must also be careful not to place magnets in cows until they are nearly full grown. The cattle industry is rife with tales of young calves, whose immature body weight is unable to counteract the strong magnetic force, being found plastered against the metal farm buildings, unable to free themselves. It's truly a pitiful sight--the little calf suspended a yard above the ground, his side against the building and his little feet waving in the air, bawling piteously while his mother looks on in confusion.

It is believed by experts in the field of cattle literature that the children's rhyme involving a cow jumping over the moon is actually a fictionalization of the true case of a cow named "Bossy". (It must be noted that a small group of experts assert that the cow in question was named "Daisy", but the evidence for this claim is somewhat weak.) Bossy's owners, a husband and wife, each, without realizing the other had already done so, inserted a cow magnet into Bossy. The resulting double strength magnetic field was undiscovered until one day when couple's dog (believed by most scholars to be named "Fido") startled the magnetically enhanced bovine, causing her to jump in the air. The two magnets and the farm's metal buildings actually allowed her to completely jump over the outhouse (which was a good thing, as a guest was using the outhouse at the time, and the farmer would have had difficulty explaining a cow crashing through the wall). Being of the traditional kind, the outhouse in question bore a crescent moon on its door--hence the story of the cow that jumped over the moon.

;-) ;-) ;-)
Kathy
--
============================================
Kathleen Dyer <mailto:kdyer@wco.com>
Counted Cross Stitch, Needlework and Stitchery Page
<http://www.wco.com/~kdyer/xstitch.html>
"Time has little to do with infinity and jelly doughnuts."


From: Monique Reed <monique@mail.bio.tamu.edu>
Subject: Re: Opinions on stitching at holiday events?---the "rules" (humor)
Date: 17 Dec 1999 00:00:00 GMT
Organization: Texas A&M University, College Station, Texas
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework

It is all right to stitch at informal holiday events providing you follow a few simple rules. ;-)

1. Your project, tote bag, chart, fibers, and stand cannot take up more room on the sofa than you do, nor should anyone be forced to sit on the floor because of your stitching.

2. You are not allowed to demand that the hostess keep dinner waiting while you finish one more row or needleful, no matter how close to finishing you are.

3. You may not insist that someone hold your chart, sort floss for you, thread needles, or retrieve your dropped scissors or highlighter if they are engaged in watching a bowl game, "It's a Wonderful Life," or a small child's first steps.

4. You may not drape orts over anyone else's pets or family members without permission.

5. Keep control over your sharp objects at all times. It is considered rude to ask everyone to vacate the sofa while you fish for scissors or grope around for wayward needles.

6. If you suspect a finished project may bleed, do not request one of your hostess' white towels to blot it in after you wash it. Also, do not ask to set up an ironing board in the middle of the living room while entertainment of any sort is going on.

7. If you are stitching at the dining table, you must vacate graciously if you find that someone is trying to set the table around you. Remember : Linen, cotton, polyester, and rayon do not mix with punch, chocolate, pumpkin, eggnog, or roast goose.

Happy Stitching!
Monique

And an addition edited from an email message...

From: Monique Reed <monique@mail.bio.tamu.edu>
Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2000 10:48:37 -0600
To: kdyer@dnai.com

"If someone's pet swallows your scissors or thimble, you must graciously pay half of the vet bill to have it surgically retrieved; you may not demand that someone just 'split that critter open and get it right out.'"

Monique


From: Kathy Dyer <kdyer@verio.com>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: RCTN Agenda; was Re: JCS Christmas Orns Issue
Date: 1 Oct 1998 19:36:49 GMT
Organization: Verio

Nan <wolfies@pacbell.net> wrote:
> Yes, what is it that RCTN does to us? And how does it happen? I firmly
> believe there is a Secret Fifteenth FAQ crammed with tips and tricks on
> Stitchery Seduction. C'mon, somebody, 'fess up! LOL

You're on to me. I post it every day in the cracks between the other daily posts, using a special, subliminal code. The code is generated by taking the square root of the highest DMC color number, multiplying it by this week's lowest posted floss price, and dividing the result by the factorial of the number of colors in the latest TW design.

I mean, it should be obvious. *We* all know what the X-Files is *really* about-- "X-Files" => x files => files about x's => files about cross stitch => cross stitch charts. And UFO's...

Kathy


From: "Kristin" <barek@inet.att.co.kr>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Stash has a mind of it's own
Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 22:43:38 +0900

I have reached yet another landmark in the life of my stash. It has, once again, completely outgrown all of its containers, boxes, drawers, bags, baskets, cubbyholes, shelves, closets, nooks, and crannies. It is, as we speak, gallavanting about the room as if it hadn't a care in the world. Lolling off the bookshelves, peeking out of the drawers, rolling under chairs, and just generally making a huge mess of things. Peri, I would be happy to send you a photo, but I think it ate my camera.

Part of this obvious delinquency is due to my own encouragement, I'm sure. What stitcher worth her salt doesn't want to encourage creativity and sponteneity by allowing various factions of the stash to mingle? Who hasn't let all their stash out just once in a while to revel in the sheer volume? And who doesn't thrill at the sight of all those specialty fibers laid out in a nice, neat row. And I'm sure I am still more to blame for having started not one, but two UFO's today. And despite the fact that they are only missing the little hanging part at the top and the little dangly bits at the bottom, they are still technically UFO's, and the new Watercolors I let loose today absolutely refuse to go back into any sort of containable shape until the ornaments are completely done.

I am hoping that while I am at work this evening my stash with go ahead and finish up those two UFO's, or at least show them around the room, since they are new to the group. By the time I get back who knows how many more UFO's will have appeared unannounced? Perhaps the DMC Floss, having been around the block a few times, will have managed to get the Perle Cottons to adopt a more obedient and orderly nature. Maybe the metallics will have found a way to lure that ball of No. 12 ecru out from under the bed. And maybe all the pins and needles in the carpet will decide to be shiny before I step on them, instead of after.

Then again, maybe they'll just lay around all night telling S.E.X. jokes.

Kristin
------------------------------------------------------------------
Stemming the Tide of International Communism...or something.

From: cycatryx2@aol.com (Julia Hedberg)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stash has a mind of it's own
Date: Wed, 04 Mar 1998 16:38:17 -0500
Organization: Belle Nightshade

In article <19980304173601.MAA17846@ladder03.news.aol.com>, djpnet@aol.com (DJPNET) wrote:
> Perhaps your floss could come over and tell the two lost bobbins of my floss
> that enough is enough and it's time to show themselves again. I swear they were
> just there. Are there floss fairies that borrow certain colors and don't return
> them?
>
> I shared some of my fabric stash (I could probably open a linen store) with
> friends. My DH remarked, "Oh, you're now engaging in stash rotation." He *was*
> listening when I talked about r.c.t.n. :)

i think part of my stash ate another part of my stash. all the precut threads finally got their own little home, in plastic bags on a ring, and now they are GONE. i think there was a civil war, between the precut and the wound on bobbins. oh dear. julia

From: ali866@aol.com (Ali866)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stash has a mind of it's own
Date: 4 Mar 1998 22:16:52 GMT
Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com

Yup...in the war of the floss, the bobbins will eat the precut floss every time. The only way to prevent this tragic floss loss is completely separate containers (sturdy ones) or separate rooms. This is why I only keep floss on bobbins (survival of the fittest, y'know...)

Ali ;-)

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

From: maysrg@mindNOSPAMspring.com (Mays)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Stash has a mind of it's own
Date: Thu, 05 Mar 1998 00:26:16 GMT
Organization: Several Organizations

If you braid the cut stuff, it can't run as fast.....
Ruth Mays
Cinnaminson NJ
maysrg at mosquito dot com
If you want to reply, you know what to do with this.


From: "R. Daniel Paddock" <dpaddock@pil.net>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Wentzler tweeding disease: epidemic alert!
Date: Mon, 29 Jun 1998 01:04:20 -0400
Organization: newsread.com ISP News Reading Service

The CSRDC (Center for Stitching-Related Disease Control) hereby posts a warning.

The stitching populace at large needs to be aware that an unforeseen outbreak of Wentzler tweeding disease may be quickly reaching epidemic proportions! Symptoms include a tendency on the part of the afflicted to stare at common household objects, saying in a wondering tone, "Wow, there really are lots of colors in there!" Affected persons may also suddenly display a profusion of little tiny plastic bags marked with cryptic runes and containing multiple colors of cotton floss. Advanced (and possibly incurable) cases may progress to the point that the victim can only write if supplied with two pens of contrasting ink tones, and can only eat if two kinds of food are placed on the fork at once.

If you recognize yourself or someone you love in these descriptions, you must act quickly! Large infusions of chocolate and/or gifts of silk thread and Belfast linen are the only known treatments. While cases have been documented in which stitchers have lived long, fruitful (fruit bellpull?) lives while being chronic carriers of this condition, there is no reason to take unnecessary chances. The infectious agent may mutate and become airborne, in which case no one will be safe. Please monitor your stitching activity. Risky behavior (such as the Wedding Sampler), if it cannot be avoided completely, should at least be tempered with periods of safer stitching of simpler patterns with large blocks of a single color. Do not use the same needle on both projects, or you may find yourself thinking, "Now, wouldn't Barney look better stitched with one strand of 208 and one strand of 3345?" This is a sure sign of affliction and should be treated at once.

Consider yourself warned....
**************************************
OK, now the story behind this:

I'm taking a break from TW's Wedding Sampler to stitch a Hillcroft House name crest for my brother Garth. Very basic and simple: a bordered heraldic crest with a garden and two rabbits, very straightforward and coloring-book representational, not even backstitched. However, they have you choose your own colors based on the person it's for. So, I fooled around with some crayons and my floss box for a while, picked out the border and garden colors, and thought the rabbits would look good one gray, one brown. Then that thought came creeping: why not tweed them for that nice healthy country bunny look? I shut that mental door firmly and took my floss selections over to DH for his opinion (he's an artist and very good with color.) He looks at it for a minute and says, "For the rabbits, couldn't you do that 'blended needle' thing you're doing with that wedding piece?"

And he's never crossed a stitch in his life! Once I got my jaw back where it's supposed to go, I couldn't help but think that we'd both been afflicted by a highly infectious strain of the tweeding disease. And so it goes.

Sarah
P.S. I tweeded the rabbits and they look gorgeous.


From: smaiibear@aol.com
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Hoax Humor. :)
Date: 6 Jan 1997 01:12:19 GMT

::you need humor when you've gotten the sixth hoax warning in as many days from people you really would think knew better...::

OK, Sis had a wee bit too much free time on her hands last week (vacation will do that to you!) and she loved the Good Times takeoff posted here earlier by someone neither of us can remember (with profuse apologies!!). She decided that what this newsgroup needed was a variant of "Good Times" which would strike us where we live. So without further ado (except the admonition to all that THIS is a HOAX as well, just our modified version of the one out on the net and inspired by the previous post), here ya go!

Carolyn the (my newest project makes me feel like a XS hoax...what am I doing??) Small Bear

ps...don't ask me why she isn't posting this herself. The truth is, vacation is over and she's at work too much to play now. :(

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your Attention, Please:

Good Times will destroy your hard drive.

Not only that, but it will unravel every bit of floss you own. It will combine chartreuse, magenta and bronze metallic in ways that can never be separated. It will stitch huge, badly done French knots into your work...then pull each one through the cloth, leaving punctures the size of manhole covers.

It will scatter your needles all over the living room. It will cause your cat (dog, parakeet, goldfish) to seize your latest completed project and bury it in the backyard. It will reframe your work, with the front side toward the wall and the back side where everyone can see it. It will redo all your best work, leaving frog stitches in its place.

Goodtimes will force you to stitch one over one until your eyes fall from your head into your lap. It will give you nightmares about endlessly stitching the same Elvis over and over on black Aida, with nothing but a candle for light. It will mysteriously restitch that wedding sampler you did for your sister, replacing, "Mark and Cindy, Together Forever" with "Cindy, I Told You Mark Was a Loser."

It will mystically transport your most embarrassing project to the wall in your Mother-in-Law's formal dining room. It does not matter if you've burned, buried or given said project to charity -- such is the power of Good Times, it reaches out from the Great Beyond to visit shame and horror upon us all.

It moves your favorite set of Q-Snaps from room to room, so you can never find them. It will tie your most expensive floss (yarn, ribbon, thread) to the dog's tail as it goes outside in the rain. It will change all of your charts to random designs that cannot ever be completed, and require colors Anchor and DMC have never even dreamed of. It will embroider the names of all your old lovers on your sheets, pillowcases and tablecloths. It shows no mercy.

Good Times will give you stitcher's thumb (finger, elbow, wrist, shoulder). It will leave you with two-inch pieces of floss when you need desperately to stitch. It will turn your smallest pair of scissors into a weapon as you walk through any security check-point, making everyone think you're a hijacker.

Now that I have your attention, listen to me. Good Times does not exist. It's a hoax. Trust me. I'd say more, but I need to go check my floss. I don't recall buying anything chartreuse, but...


From: Margaret Whittleton <mwhittle@gbrownc.on.ca>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: New Needlework Disease Discovered
Date: Mon, 6 Jan 1997 12:31:44 -0500
Organization: George Brown College

Happy New Years, everybody! Hope you enjoy the following.

Atlanta(AP)... The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, today announced the identification and isolation of a new disease.

Tentatively named Acquired Needlework Syndrome (ANS), the disease is highly infectious. Scientists at CDC say the disease is caused by a newly discovered bacillus called staphloaiguille because of its needlelike shape.

"Under the microscope," said a centre spokeswoman, "the bacillus is long and slender with a long narrow opening at one end, from which trail thread-like cilia."

Symptoms of the disease include feverish babbling of letters such as DMC, TW, MLI, LOL, ROTFL and talking about invisible friends such as Christina, Tina, Robert, Karen, Sharon G. etc.

In the early stages, sufferers appear to be taking an unusual interest in Verdi operas, while more advanced cases develop wunderlust, especially wishing to travel to Edinborough, Dublin, and Belfast. Other symptoms include feverish buying and storing of woven goods and printed pamphlets, and a 'smoking' credit card.

The disease is especially dangerous because it can not only be passed along directly from one infected individual to another, but documented cases have been found where the sufferer caught the disease from reading a magazine, or attending a craft show.

CDC says that while the disease is especially prevalent in North America, cases have been found in every country on the globe. Two additional variants of the disease have been found, staphloaiguille.tusleri in England, and staphloaiguille.marina which seems to be restricted to Dusselfdorf, Germany.

Family members should be aware that while the disease may occasionally enter remission, it is at present incurable. The patient should be given a quiet corner with a comfortable chair and good lighting. Interruptions should be minimized. A supply of good quality chocolate should be kept on hand at all times.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Marg W.

Cats, Cross stitch, gardening, science fiction, genealogy, motorcycle touring, antiques - and I still have to find time for work!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


From: tinne@eskimo.com (Susan Profit)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Vector Viruses (was Re: Virus Warning (Sort of))
Organization: Eskimo North (206) For-Ever
Date: Thu, 6 Feb 1997 22:02:35 GMT

In article <5d8s9s$q3v@mongol.sasknet.sk.ca>, whsmith <whsmith@eagle.wbm.ca> wrote:
>Beware the following computer viruses:

Computer Vector* Viruses:
Designer Alert Virus:
You set your address book fuction to chime whenever you download e-mail that includes the names of your favorite designers, their patterns or printing houses.

Huge Stash Virus:
You feel the need to amass megabytes of cross referenced databases from your pattern stash. (Not me...) One is not enough, you soon have five or six databases.

FSO Virus Chronic form:
You use your computer's alarm capability to give you a daily reminder of what your fantasy of the best pattern in the world would be. Set it to go off at a time when other stitchers will be over reading RCTN with you.

FSO Virus Acute form:
You use your computer lap-book to enter all the pamphlet/patterns/designs you see in any stitching store, including the types you want to find but haven't seen yet. This is your Wish List. Share the hard copy print out with all the shop owners along with your phone numbers so they can reach you day or night.

UFO Virus:
You feel the need to do up a wallpaper reminder of all your UFOs. Include spaces for updates on floss/bead/needle shortages and progress reports. Use red borders raound the ones that have been in the pile the longest.

USO Virus:
You scan in the picture from the front of all your USO projects and use it as your screen saver so you don't forget about them. Use flashing red borders for those that have been in the pile the longest.

*the computer passes these from one stitcher to another.

@}->- ;) Tinne :D Laughter Heals :) -<-{@
We are beginners at more than we are experts of.


From: kdyer@crl.com (Kathleen Dyer)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: There once was a stitcher...
Date: 13 Mar 1995 17:32:08 -0800
Organization: CRL

And another format change...

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes her several hours because she keeps wanting to do "just one more."

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to get a 250-watt replacement bulb because the area could use more light, and one to replace the existing fixture with a directional one.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, so they can discuss which color bulb would look better against the ceiling.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to change the light bulb, and four to form a round-robin because the cover is too plain and would look great with a stitched design on it.

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. He was using his Dazor magnifier lamp and didn't even notice that the bulb in the ceiling had burned out.

Kathy


From: werpetin@risky.ecs.umass.edu (Katrina Werpetinski)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: There once was a stitcher...
Date: 15 Mar 1995 14:31:21 GMT
Organization: I'm *not* organized...that's the problem

Kathy Dyer (kdyer@crl.com), being the creative woman she is, changed the format to light bulb jokes. This is the only one I can come up with...

Q. How many stitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eight. One to post to the newsgroup, half a dozen to post directions, and Kathy to put it in the FAQ.

And so I'll add in another format for the non-rhymers...

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Need little help with that cross stitch?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Thread.
Thread who?
Thread any good books lately?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hoop.
Hoop who?
Hoop you have a good day.

Katrina (who keeps getting disconcerted when seeing posts from other "Katrina"s) Werpetinski

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Who: Katrina Werpetinski Where: werpetin@kira.ecs.umass.edu
What: Anything I can get away with Why: Because I want to
When: Anytime they turn their backs How: That's for me to know...


[Bird puns...It's Pat's fault.--Ed.]

From: "Pat Porter" <pat.porter@ntlworld.com>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Airport security - a joke!
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 18:53:46 +0100
Organization: ntlworld News Service

There was an attack at the local Zoo last night - the gorillas escaped and took two ostriches!

Pat P.

From: Liz / Cozit <cozit@home.com>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Pun Jokes! was Re: Airport security - a joke!
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2001 04:34:44 GMT
Organization: Excite@Home - The Leader in Broadband http://home.com/faster

No, turns out the gorillas were just out for a lark... and didn't actually realize they were robin the zoo of their largest birds. Not to mention that the ostriches wren-ched at the hearts of the gorillas, convincing them to allow them to re-tern to their enclosure.

Sorry... it's late, and I can't help myself... bad as those are....

-Liz

From: "Pat Porter" <pat.porter@ntlworld.com>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Pun Jokes! was Re: Airport security - a joke!
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2001 10:46:47 +0100
Organization: ntlworld News Service

I don`t swallow that!!! It`s a bit of a cock and bull story if you ask me!

Pat P.

From: bsei@midamer.net (PaulaB)
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Pun Jokes! was Re: Airport security - a joke!
Date: 25 Oct 2001 08:16:01 -0700
Organization: http://groups.google.com/

I thought the gorillas were just too chicken to carry it off and wanted to duck responsibility! Seems like sort of a wild goose chase to me. Paula B.

From: kdyer@dnai.com
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Pun Jokes! was Re: Airport security - a joke!
Date: 26 Oct 2001 01:45:48 GMT
Organization: DNAI
Sender: Kathleen Dyer <kdyer@lenny.sfrn.dnai.com>

Liz / Cozit <cozit@home.com> wrote: > No, turns out the gorillas were just out for a lark... and didn't actually
> realize they were robin the zoo of their largest birds. Not to mention that the
> ostriches wren-ched at the hearts of the gorillas, convincing them to allow them
> to re-tern to their enclosure.

The gorillas were in a Loon-y mood. Puffin themselves up to the attempt, and Heron no guards, they Wren-ched open the gate, Craned their heads around to make sure the coast was clear, and Swift-ly Duck-ed into the ostrich enclosure.

The largest gorilla Grouse-d about the high fence, but the smaller said, "Working together, Toucan climb the fence! Don't be a Bittern old Coot."

The ostriches Quail-ed in the corner, as the gorillas tried to find Petrel for their escape vehicle.

"You Booby!" Shrike-d the largest gorilla. "You committed the Cardinal sin of being unprepared! Owl we get out of here? I should Hawk you on the market for a new partner. You've Gulled me. Believing you was an Egret-gious mistake! That car is a pile of Junco!"

"Here it is!" Crowed the smaller gorilla. "Don't go Cuckoo on me. There is enough Petrel here to Goose this car into action. Jump in, Oriole be caught! This is not our Swan song."

Just then, the guard showed up. The two were forced to Swallow their pride and Tern back to their cage.

The next day, they were charged with Robin zoo resources.

We all know what happened then...

The Parrot-ed in Jay-l.

Kathy (who will Sparrow no one in her attempts to pun)

--
===========================================================================
Kathleen Dyer <mailto:kdyer@dnai.com> "Sing as if no one were listening."
Counted Cross Stitch, Needlework and Stitchery Page
<http://www.dnai.com/~kdyer/>

From: sammi78_96@yahoo.com (Mo )
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Pun Jokes! was Re: Airport security - a joke!
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 10:25:33 GMT
Organization: Time Warner Road Runner - Rochester NY

Toucan climb the fence!

OK totally non related, but this remineded me. When I was driving across country the truckers were helping my roommate and I out. We were chatting on the CB with them from Ohio to Arizona. Anyway we were heading into New Mexico and came to the town of Tucumcari. Then we heard this "Is it heavy?" and the response???

"Nah... Tu-cum-cari it" *groan* It made me laugh anyway. Sometimes the puns and dumb jokes are the best!

Maureen in CNY

From: "Ruth" <jmm@e3mil.com.nospam>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Pun Jokes! was Re: Airport security - a joke!
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 08:34:00 -0600

Problem is Trish, we're all a bit too Gull-ible....

Ruth Edmonton, AB

From: Kathleen Dyer <kdyer@dnai.com>
Newsgroups: rec.crafts.textiles.needlework
Subject: Re: Pun Jokes! was Re: Airport security - a joke!
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 07:44:57 -0700
Organization: DNAI

In article <9rbnda$32s$1@ctb-nnrp2.saix.net>, "Joyce_in_RSA" <joycem@global.co.za> wrote:

> ROTFLOL.
> I'm in awe as well, but wondering if people have too much time on their
> hands!! Where's your stitching? <BEG>

Ah. Writing it required no Thrasher-ing around at all, as the story arrived in my consciousness fully Hatched. So, rather than Rail at the fates for giving me this Tail, rather than becoming a Raven-ing ingrate, a Cuckoo, rather than Chickening out, I choose to view the opportunity Eggs-actly as a Lark, a time to Chat, Eagle-y embracing the moment.

Kathy (committing Grebe-ious harm to the English language)
--
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Kathleen Dyer <mailto:kdyer@dnai.com> "Sing as if no one were listening."
Counted Cross Stitch, Needlework and Stitchery Page
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