Kathy's Web Page

This page will hopefully be designed to make people smile, and maybe even laugh :)
Sometimes in this fast paced world of ours, we either don't or can't always take the time to stop and smell the flowers, or giggle at some of our idiosyncrasies, or sometimes even other peoples idiosyncrasies :):) Hopefully here we can do that :)
GREAT AIRLINE MOMENTS . . . .,

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" *************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned arond, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane, did you make it yourself?" Our hero the cherokee pilot, was not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one." *************************************************************************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, the dreaded seven-engine approach."
**************************************************************************************
ATC: "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
Pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
ATC: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
*******************************************************************************************************
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586, we've got a little problem; go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for take off before United had a chance to object to the impersonation. ********************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his approach speed a little too high......San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able, If not able, then take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport." ********************************************************************************************************
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth." *******************************************************************************************************
Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.....by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7....did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff...and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
Some things to ponder...

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. (particularly good for the asthmatics amongst us.)
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
(We've all heard this one a dozen times, but it is worth repeating). You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say. "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in the boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Thank you Adele :)

SOME OF THOSE SILLY MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT HEALTH
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical effeciencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetables) And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables as we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice, Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?.
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, ect.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is No Pain-Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. if you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I Hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.....and as always, please check with your private doctor before beginning any new exercise program, or before listening to anyone without an MD after their name.
And these are actual label instructions on consumer goods!
On a Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be, how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure?? Let's experiment)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5-year-olds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On Sainsbur's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Really?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Ya THINK?)

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

LET US NOT FORGET OUR FINEST!
TOP 12 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP
1. Wow! I thought you had to be in half decent physical condition to be a cop.
2. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 to keep up with me. Good job!
3. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
4. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
6. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
7. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
8. Are You Andy or Barney?
9. I pay your salary!
10. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That shows how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son, your eyes look red-- have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer,
your eyes look glazed-- have you been eating doughnuts?"

Ok, It's only fair to hear the cops side.
TOP 10 POLICE COMEBACK LINES
1. I'm sorry, Ma'am, but the truth is, with the unlicensed gun in
your purse plus the DUI, you actually ARE what we call "a real
criminal."
2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank
You." Would you believe it? We stopped the very guy who pays our
salary!
3. Yeah, actually, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be
dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.
4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the
citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take
more than six hours.
5. Do you know why I stopped you? Or do you think like you drive?
6. What do you mean I won't believe you? I'm a reasonable human
being. And just because you've got three kilos of smack and two
bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable
explanation.
7. Well, you've got that wrong. I'm even tougher without the badge and gun.
8. Of course you didn't rob anybody. You just happened to start your
wind sprints in front of the department store, this VCR is providing
extra weight, and the security guards were providing motivation. Is
that about right?
9. He's the one who started it? That's the best you can do? My
four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is
crying.
10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND HAVE A HANDGUN. ANY QUESTIONS???
HELLO, WELCOME TO THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press...no one will answer.

An Idiots Idiot
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's Lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? :)

NO JOKE HERE, THESE ARE REAL FACTS...

Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1,000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthmore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.

There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see http//urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have. "That's as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
(No one left drugged in a tub of ice would *ever* wake up - kathy)

Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at http//www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html, then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.

Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?

There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try http//www.norton.com And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.

If your CC list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.

If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

If you still absolutely MUST foward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ""that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - I've probably already seen it.

When I die, I want to go just like my Grandfather did. Peacefully, with a smile on his face, and in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car were.

DMV After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash", I snapped, then apologized for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor vehicle bureau." "Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or are you going back there?"

A LITTLE BIT OF WISDOM

WHAT SHOULD BE IMPORTANT IS NOT WHO REMEMBERS YOUR NAME WHEN YOU ARE GONE,
BUT HOW MANY LIVES YOU HAVE TOUCHED WHILE YOU WERE HERE.<
Generation X Office Lingo :)

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving only the top brass with clean hands.

404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 not found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located, "Don't bother asking him, he's 404".

Prairie Dogging: Something loud happens in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what is going on.

Stress Puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiney.

Tourists: Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs.

Un-installed: Euphemism for being fired.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace.

Elderly Sisters. . . Two elderly sisters were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The sister in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time the sister was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to her sister and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving!?". Thank you Mary Lea ;)
One Liners and Things to Ponder :)

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you have a T-shirt with bloodstains all
over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Don't worry, I forgot your name too.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Better living through denial.

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog, Dorothy.

Out of my mind...back in five minutes.

Laugh alone and the world thinks your an idiot.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Make it idiot proof and somone will make a better idiot.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

i souport publik edukashun.

Forget about World Peace...visualize using your turn signal.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not to you!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

JESUS SAVES..They pass it to Gretzky..he shoots..he scores!

You are depriving some villiage somewhere of it's idiot.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

To succeed in politics you must rise above your principles.

A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

TIME :)
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time."
Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.
God replied, "A million dollars to me is like a single penny to you."
Then the young man got his courage up and asked: God, could I have one of your pennies?"
God smiled and replied, "certainly, just a second."

Rabbi and Priest
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingley, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "so you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but we are unhurt, this must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle, my car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogan david Wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest .
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Uh Oh, More One liners!
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just lost a thought, it was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

My software never has bugs, it just develops random features

Error: keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue......

Press any key....no, no, no, not THAT ONE!!!

If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become Kitty Litter?

How did a fool and his money get together?

Why do they sterilize the needles used in lethal injections?

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Indecision is the key to flexibility

There is always one more jerk than you counted on.

This is probably as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Reality is a crutch for people that can't handle drugs.

It's hard to made a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

If at first you don't succeed, try again, then quit, no use in being a damn fool about it.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "how would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The last person that quit or was fired, will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.

Written by a very smart man...
I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid", I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper to bumper. Most of the bumper to bumper is on an 8 lane highway, so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars, that brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off??? I think not.

Things you will NEVER hear a redneck say!

I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000.00, Alex.

Duct tape won't fix that.

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

We don't keep arms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog.

No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my gut is to big?

I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, we don't need another dog.

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

Spittin is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

I've got it all on the C drive.

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

I don't have a favorite college team.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

"Nope, no more for me, I'm drivin' tonight".

You mean there's another page of this? Yep