Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light , that when
the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up to?
Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought I would
be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Things you would love to say out loud at work...
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy
submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and
they hired him because he was so honest and funny!.
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're
better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries
Useless facts.....and Pigs......
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat
one cup of coffee. (hardly seems worth it...)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
automic bomb. (Uh Oh)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps that it would squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Who knew that pigs even HAD orgasms?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (And yet, there's that pig thing...)
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmm...)
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over
on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left-handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most
taste buds. (Then how come they eat anything they find?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length; it's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves to death. (Just when you thought it was
safe to go back into the kitchen...)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex
by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home..what the...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (You go Boy!)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (And might have been used quite often in the 60's!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
Can you cry underwater?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs"!
HOW SOME PHRASES AND "WORDS" ACTUALLY CAME ABOUT
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase "goodnight & sleep tight."
2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding,
the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and
because their calendar was lunar based; this period was called the honey month, or what is known today as the honeymoon.
3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's.
4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless he/she had consent of the King (unless you were in the royal family).
When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King; the King gave them a placard that they hung on their
door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it.
Now you know where that came from!
6. In Scotland, a new game was invented, it was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden....and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
Thank you Adele ;)
Now here are some unforgetable Quotes!
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.....The researchers also discovererd other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.--Lawrence Summers, Chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
Feeling Stressed out?
Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from
that place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're
holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant suprise. You let them up......just for a quick breath.....then plop!.....back under
they go....You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now...feeling better?
Things to Ponder
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid
the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.
One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. {I received this joke
from a wonderful man named Kirk who passed away, and for that reason this joke will always stay, while most
of the jokes on all three of my pages, will at one time or another be deleted and replaced with other jokes}.
Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room left for dreaming.
You can do what with duct tape???
Obliterate that blinking "12:00" on your VCR once and for all with a single strip of duct tape.
Wrap sticky-side out around your hand to pick up fuzz, lint, and pet hair from clothing
and furniture--also picks up small pets from clothing and furniture
Reinforce broken candles with the silver-gray wonder roll. Adds a special aroma when
the candles burn down to the tape. Empty duct tape rolls also make decorative holders for extra-fat candles.
Who needs a professional framer? Quickly mat your favorite art or secure photos in frame
behind existing matting. California residents: tired of straightening framed pictures after every little aftershock? Secure with duct tape!
Tape hand-held games to your car's steering wheel for amusement during afternoon traffic
jams. Also great on trips!* *Not recommended by Ralph Nader or the National Safety Council.
Stop tables from wobbling with a wad of duct tape under the short leg.
Duct tape under the bottom of all four legs provides a uniform look while preventing floor scratching.
Stop those embarrassing perspiration stains on shirts with a slab of tape in each armpit.
Remove roadkill while keeping your hands clean
Hide teenage complexion problems
Go for that scholarly look by taping elbow patches on your sport coat.
Your quarter panel decided to leave the car and drag on your tire?
Duct tape it in place before you have to replace the tire.
Tire repair (multiple layers may be required.)
Tow cars with several layers of duct tape in long strips.
Increase winter warmth by taping cardboard in front of car radiator.
Replace missing spots on fuzzy dice with duct tape dots.
Better yet, replace your fuzzy dice with a duct tape ball.
Control bird cage debris. Tape half way up around the sides of the bird cage to halt fugitive seeds and feathers in their flight. (Seeds, feathers, and an occasional canary stick to adhesive side of tape)
Remove scabs with ease.
Cover birthmarks. You can also create temporary birthmarks: simply stick tape on desired area, leave it on five to ten minutes, and then rip it off quickly.
Hold back epidermal layers during difficult surgical procedures.
Avoid annoying slippage by taping shoulder pads and bra straps in place.
Simulate a suprised look-just attach duct tape from your eyebrows to the back of your head. Works best when bald....................More of these later.........:)
Oh no, not an attorney joke!
An attorney was cross-examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No". The lawyer then asks, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?" "No" says the coroner. "Did you check for breathing?" Again, the coroner says, "No". "So", the lawyer continues,"When you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any of the usual steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the browbeating, says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could have been out there practicing law somewhere."
Attorney's, they're so much fun :)
A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he asked. "Is it night?".
A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street,
and we didn't want you waking up thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
Only a buzzard feeds on his friends.
THE FACTS OF LIFE
The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends, if they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
It has been recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
Never take another man's bet. He wouldn't offer it if
he didn't know something you don't.
Letter From School:
Dear Dad,
School i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like,
you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you,
Love, your $on.
A week later......A letter from 'HOME'
Dear son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never
study eNOugh.
Love, Dad.
He who laughs last, probably made a back-up
Have you ever thought that when we're young we don't care what people think of us,
when we get a little older, we do........however, when we get really old, we just don't care again.......
sooooooo, when I am an Old Coot......
I will go to the Dairy Queen and dip my dentures in the hot fudge when the waitress isn't looking.
I will teach young children the joys of blowing Jell-O on their little friends.
I will smile sweetly at strangers and offer to share the peppermint stick that I have been licking.
I will put a Coke bottle in my pants pocket and tell my nurse "it's the real thing."
I will have power lunches with my cat at Long John Silver.
I will break wind in public places and frown disgustedly at the fellow beside me.
I will write letters to the editor extolling the joys and social benefits of prostitution
and sign the mayor's name.
I will wear two neckties on special occasions.
I will slip an Alka Seltzer inside my cheek and tell the nurse I think I have rabies.
I will save my used dental floss to tie bows and name tags on little gifts
I will rig up a little bungee jump for my neighbor's yelping Chihuahua.
I will drop my dentures into the punch bowl at parties when I think the others have had enough.
I will go bowling and play poker with the boys and eat prunes and be a regular guy.
I will carry my sleeping bag to doctor appointments and nap on the floor in the waiting room.
I will rent a limo for the day and show up at busy offices all over town,
introduce myself as the new owner, and give everyone the day off.
I will write to the Preparation-H company and thank them from the heart of my bottom.
I will take my pooper scooper and transfer the products of my neighbors Great Dane
from my front yard to the hood of his Buick.
...................More of these later.......and thank you Roy English :)
It's better to sit on your horse and do nothing than to wear him out chasing shadows.
You've Won!
A San Diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000.00 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked. "I guess I'll go to school and get my drivers license", the man answered. "Don't listen to him", said the woman in the passenger seat, he's always a smart alec when he's drunk".
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car".
Then there was a knock from the trunk, and the voice asked in spanish, "Are we over the border yet?".
Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
More one-liners
I was going to buy a copy of the Power of Positive Thinking, but then I thought," What the hell
good would that do?"
"We're All in this alone"..........
God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?
IRS-Be Audit you can be.
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go alot farther with a smile and a gun.
