Get The Message

Throughout the course of my young life, I've done some amazing things. Swam in three oceans. Had my feet on both coasts within 24 hours. Felt the sunshine on my naked ass in the Himalayas. Even rode a private jet twice.

But I've never, ever received a blow job from a chick with a pierced toungue.

So, of course, my existence, to this point, has been fairly worthless.

To be honest, thinking back on the blowjobs I've received over the course of my life, I can't think of a single one which led me to comment, "This is great, sweetie, but if you had a chunk of metal in your mouth -- man, that'd be something else!"

But still, I need to know if I'm missing out. Is it all just a sham? A ploy to sell metal and keep piercers employed and give chicks something other than tan lines and thongs to show off at a party? Or is there really some untapped world of exceptionally wonderful knobjobs that I'm not privvy to?

Looking at the big picture, though, how can any red-blooded guy NOT dig a chick who so blatantly taps at our Achilles tendon: the dream of the perfect smoothie. It's a safe bet that most girls who opt for the barbell know full well the myth that accompanies it, and the fact that they embrace the mantle of oral experimentalists is just further proof that Earth is the single coolest planet to be living on.

In the end, I guess it doesn't really matter if the presence of a tiny piece of metal really does enhance one's fellatio skills; the fact that an entire generation of women is marching to the local piercing shop just to send out the "I give killer head" vibe is a good thing.