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ADULTERY-BOUND
SPOTTING THOSE WHO SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED
DEAR KEN & ARIEL: I'm currently in my senior year of college, and am
engaged to be married to my boyfriend of six years after I graduate next
May. He's the only lover I've ever had, and while I love him dearly and want
to spend the rest of my life with him, I'd really like to have at least one
other lover before I marry, just for the sake of experience. Would having a
one-nighter before I take the vow make me a bad person?
 KEN
SAYS: Messing
around behind the back of the dude you're betrothing yourself to might not
make you a bad person, but it would certainly win you a spot on the
"folks who shouldn't be getting married" list. While I'm not
going to doubt your love for hubby-to-be, the fact that you're pining for
another man to take you to town should raise a serious red flag.
There are basically two camps of thought on the subject
of marriage: Those who consider it the holiest bond that two people can
share, and those who shun it, believing it unnatural for any human being
to dedicate him or herself to just one lover for a lifetime. The fact that
you haven't even taken the big step but are already looking to sample
something else off the cock menu implies that you have a lot more life to
live.
My gut reaction is that if you don't address this problem
now, you'll end up one of those married women who stares a bit too long at
the landscaper as he tears up the shrubs (not a euphemism, by the way),
or, worse, ends up scandalized after offering to model thongs for the
paperboy.
So unless you're pining for a future as the "harlot of the cul de
sac," you might want to rethink your impending nuptials.
 ARIEL
SAYS: Why
the rush to get your MRS degree? Six years is admirable, and both of you
have probably gone through more than us superficial nincompoops could
possibly fathom. But there’s something about that lush, velvety green
stuff on the other side of the fence. Even if it turns out to be crab
grass or Astroturf, it’s better to see it for yourself instead of
watching the "what-if" Lifetime movie in your head for the next
30 years.
Now, my dear, the decision between monogamy or nymphomania is entirely up
to you. However, I must caution that before you prance off for some
bodice-ripping, member-pulsing excitement, it will likely prove NOTHING
like trashy Harlequin novels, nothing like the movies, not even close to Sex
in the City. The ubiquitous volunteers you’ll discover at your local
watering hole will be of a more reptilian nature, from the shallow end of
the gene pool. So, go ahead and pick one from the stack, and away we go.
Wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Sorry, no breakfast included.
As you stumble around trying to locate your bra in his pig-sty of a room
(spy the Lindsay Lohan poster on the closet door yet?), you’ll start to
wonder if this was simply beginner’s bad luck, and that you should
probably find another cute volunteer. And so on, and so on.
What I’m trying to say is that a one-night stand is not going to be
enough to satisfy your curiosity. In order to be really sure, you need to
go out and experience a little slice of life on your own, not just from
the inside of another man’s bedroom. If you and lovely 6-year dude are
meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other.
Hey, that’s what happens in the movies, right?
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