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CHICKS
WITH CHICKS
AND HONESTLY,
CAN YOU BLAME THEM?
DEAR KEN & ARIEL: This
question is for Ariel: Have you ever kissed another girl, have you ever
thought about kissing another girl, and if you absolutely, positively, in a
gun-to-your-head-sorta way had to let a girl sit on your face, whom would it
be, and why?
 ARIEL
SAYS: My
goodness! Aren't you a randy little tyke! Are you sure you didn't mean to
send this question to Penthouse Forum? I'm sure you'd get a much
more delectable response. However, since you cared enough to ask, I will
attempt to answer you in the most professional manner I can muster.
Ahem. I have kissed plenty of women: my mother, my sister, my grandmother, my friends, my yoga
instructor, and a colleague or two. Have I ever kissed a girl the way I
kiss Ken, which involves massive amounts of saliva and heavy breathing,
several teeth knocked out and fillings ingested? No. And do you know why?
Besides the whole passé hetero thing, it's really quite simple: no stubble.
I need to have my chin look as if I tried to snowplow the street with it,
my nose to be raw and redder than that famous reindeer, and my cheeks and
neck to be screaming for Vaseline. Call me an S & M vixen, but I can’t
get enough of that scruffy stuff. When I see a five o’clock shadow
calling my name, I can’t help myself; I have to wrap my arms--and
occasionally my legs--around it.
Speaking of the lower half, if I was held prisoner in a thatch hut in
southeast Asia and my captors demanded that I would only gain freedom if I
requested a particular screen actress to fly over from Hollywood just to
sit on my face, I’d say that’s a pretty fucked up scenario. (Tarantino
or Kaufman could write a killer screenplay, though.)
I’ll go so far as to say that when Drew Barrymore licked the steering
wheel in Charlie’s Angels, I was suitably impressed and turned on
in a put that in the mental rolodex to try out later on Ken kind of
way. Also, Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight was very sexy,
particularly in the bathtub scene. Elizabeth Hurley is also deliciously
sexy. But it’s more admiration than desire, more of a wonderful surge of
girl power thang than a soggy panty thang.
Sorry, love… I guess I’ll just have to be taken out back and shot.
 KEN
SAYS:
I'm man enough to admit that this letter conjured enough wily feelings
within my loins to fill Yankee Stadium six times over. You see, just as
young children reading "Hansel and Gretel" drop their jaws at
the thought of a house made of candy, so do grown men everywhere quiver at
the concept of two (or more) chicks with tongues intertwined. Call me
pathetic, but if one set of boobs is brushing against another anywhere on
this planet, I want to know about it.
I'm also man enough to admit that my head has more than
once been brimming with thoughts of Ariel making sweet with a member of
her gender. And the mental image of Ariel nestling her sweet lips between,
say, Gwen Stefani's thighs has proven powerful enough to render me
incapable of walking upright for at least three hours. But Ariel is, much
like myself, hopelessly heterosexual. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Still, is such fantasy healthy? Hell yeah--our minds are
the most erotic and sensual components of our bodies (unless, of course,
you're Anna Nicole Smith). What is unhealthy is when such fantasies are
imposed on the unwilling. To illustrate, telling Ariel that the thought of
her and another chick turns me into the merry woodsman is a lot more
acceptable than showing up one afternoon with a nubile young lass and
asking Ariel to wear her like a hat.
That, you see, wouldn't be cool.
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