DEAR KEN & ARIEL: I have met the most amazing man in the world. He's perfect in every way except for one thing—he's loud in bed. My man's a love master, until he starts yelling. He bangs the wall, he hollers and grunts until I'm convinced the police are going to break in and arrest us for scaring the neighbors. I've told him to shut up, but he says he's just being himself, and I should accept that. I don't want to lose him, but I get so distracted with his shouting that I have trouble relaxing and "enjoying" myself. What should I do?

It’s refreshing to hear about a guy who isn’t afraid to express himself in the sack. Usually we’re the ones who are supposed to perform orgasmic opera.

Passionate utterings can be flattering, but if they become too much of a distraction it can dampen the mood. How can you relax while you’re wondering if a SWAT team is silently taking position throughout your apartment, waiting for the signal to break the door down?

I would tell your boisterous babe that you don’t want to cramp his style, but that you cannot fully appreciate his expertise when he’s blasting your eardrums. Suggest role playing, like he’s your prisoner (gagged, of course) and you’re his captor. Or, pretend you’re horny mimes. Be creative! If all else fails, there’s a pet store that sells good muzzles cheap.

Here’s where the sexes differ. All men love a woman who makes like Ethel Merman in bed because it’s basically free advertising.

In other words, what those shouts and moans translate into, for every other gal within earshot, is: “If I can make her feel like this, just imagine what I can do for you.”

Take heart in what all this hootin' and hollerin' really means. Like a big tip for a waiter who delivers your meal with style or a thank you note to grandma for the matching hat and mittens, your man’s caterwauls are a sign that you’re doing a first rate job. And for that, we salute you.

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